Cow Corner Blog

Exemplary Elliott embarrasses England

Tue Sep 29 10:03PM

England made New Zealand's quartet of seamers look like a pack of West Indies pacemen circa 1984 on an eccentric pitch at the Wanderers to squander top spot in Group B.

The Black Caps not only pipped Sri Lanka to a semi-final spot but usurped England in the group as Grant 'Magic' Elliott, who was born near the ground in Johannesburg, unexpectedly ran riot with his usually innocuous brand of bowling.

Just one of England's top-five reached double figures as Ryan Sidebottom and James Anderson were left to exploit the entirety of their side's batting powerplay in farcical fashion as the Kiwi seamers discovered how it felt to be Malcolm Marshall.

New Zealand required 139 to edge out Sri Lanka, and Kumar Sangakkara et al would not have been chilling the champagne in their hotel room after watching a few overs of England's bowling in reply.

For once, Andrew Strauss had to await the decision of the opposing captain after losing the toss with a countenance of stunned bemusement. The result was that England were put in to bat on a wicket that made the Sir Vivian Richards Stadium look like a garden patio.

To say the pitch was unpredictable would be like saying Owais Shah was slightly hesitant running between the wickets or that Ravi Bopara has a modicum of confidence in his own ability.

"We want to make the most of the overcast conditions," Daniel Vettori said with a wry grin while stroking his impeccably-groomed beard. There was little cloud cover above the crack-aplenty strip of mayhem, and he knew it.

A painfully slow and very iffy rendition of the national anthems was bawled out with the usual gusto by a chirpy lady wearing a pair of curtains, which left Strauss and Co in a fit of laughter. But their smiles would quickly be extinguished.

At 10 for two, Paul Collingwood has not come to the crease in such hostile conditions since Peter Siddle had steam melting his sun block in the Ashes Test at Cardiff.

Shah then played a shot so haplessly out of sync with the match situation, you wondered if he was visualising Chris Harris bowling to him, not a revved up Shane Bond.

Collingwood was the most assured of a rickety England batting line-up, but even he had a colossal mental aberration during his surprisingly enterprising knock of 40.

Colly wobbled out of his crease for no apparent reason after missing a delivery from Kyle Mills, with Brendon McCullum wrecking his woodwork.

The subsequent appeal forced Aleem Dar to hastily ground his Horlicks and press the 'Out' button on his joypad. Meanwhile Vettori had his team in a huddle-committee after which the ballot deemed that Colly's wicket should be preserved.

Ian Butler, who has reportedly lost 68kg since arriving in South Africa, must be a contestant in the ICC's Biggest Loser competition along with Jacques 'Ryvita' Kallis and compatriot Jesse 'Bottoms-up' Ryder. His bowling was all the better for it.

Such is Ryder's commitment to the Fit Club that he will play no further part in the tournament, with the less-belligerent, less binge-prone, and less accomplished batsman Gareth Hopkins filling the humongous gap.

Indeed, you would need to add up 32-year-old Hopkins's averages to make a near-respectable return - ODI 9.00, Test 13.50, Twenty20 6.00. He did not improve it in New Zealand's reply, with a quickfire two.

But that was after McCullum had bludgeoned a belligerent 48 along with his partner Martin 'Two Toes' Guptill who plundered 53 at the top of the innings.

Sidebottom was given the chance to fill his boots on an atrocious wicket in the absence of Graham Onions, but McCullum nicked his boots and chucked them into the Jukskei River.

England were bereft of ideas until Stuart Broad decided that the cracks in the batsman's half of the pitch were more inviting than those in his, and promptly demolished the Black Caps' middle order with part-time wicket-keeper Eoin Morgan snaffling anything that moved.

Graeme Swann took a blinder to send Ross Taylor back to the pavilion before the balcony door had fully closed behind the batsman, as New Zealand imploded from 84-0 to 140-6. But this served only to tease the Sri Lanka players, who at this point were most probably settling their bills at their hotel's reception.

Perhaps it was fitting that Vettori hit the winning runs after his efforts were by the far the most decisive: the Black Caps skipper not only bowled 1.1 overs of his left-arm spin, but he outwitted Strauss at the all-important coin toss.

As a result of their defeat England will play in the first semi-final at Centurion, while New Zealand have the fortune or misfortune, depending on which side the coin lands, to be back at the Wanderers for the second.

SHOT OF THE DAY: He might have bowled like a man with a pint waiting for him at fine leg, but Sidebottom creamed an extravagant cover drive off Butler to reach his 20.

STAT OF THE DAY: In hitting his seventh six in three innings, Paul Collingwood moved level with Owais Shah at the top of the most-sixes league in the Champions Trophy. Eoin Morgan is joint third with five as England rule the roost in that department.

USER COMMENT OF THE DAY: "Did I hear correctly that this exact same pitch is going to be used for India's match with West Indies tomorrow? That is as big a joke as having Bopara batting ahead of Anderson in England's batting line-up. Unbelievable!" (Garyplatt7)

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