Bowling a maiden over
Wed May 07 12:36PM
You know that cricket is the new rock 'n' roll when an England player describes sex as "on tap", a term previously applied only to John Smith's and - on special occasions - Chicken Tikka Masala.
Skunk-haired Lothario Kevin Pietersen, who is married to one-time pop queen Jessica Taylor, claims that scoring a century is better than sex on the basis that:
"Centuries don't come around very often, whereas sex is on tap, isn't it?"
But is it really true that carnal encounters occur more frequently than scoring a ton?
Well, maybe for the likes of KP and Cow Corner (although in the latter's case it is by a 1-0 scoreline), but not all cricketers are so fortunate with the ladies.
There may be something chubbily charming about Kent skipper and self-confessed Ugly Betty fan Rob Key, but are we really to believe that he persuades his wife to jump into bed every time he reaches three figures?
Mark Ramprakash is a virtual Casanova on both fronts, having compiled 99 first-class centuries and admitted having an extra-marital affair, which he has now knocked on the head.
But suffice it to say that since his victorious appearance on Strictly Come Dancing, Ramps has found runs and female admirers equally easy to come by.
Sir Jack Hobbs was an appealing man and his nickname "The Master" can hardly have hurt with the ladies, but he could have gone through the Kama Sutra several times on his way to matching the 197 tons he racked up during a prolific career.
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Cowers has never been a big fan of the Daily Mail, but it continues to be amazed by the paper's capacity for xenophobic propaganda.
Being fun, revolutionary and foreign, the IPL has particularly upset the Mail, and it gets the 'paedophile' treatment in today's edition with a back-page banner screaming: "NOW THE INDIANS WANT LUKE WRIGHT". Not Luke Wright! Won't somebody think of the children?
Inside, the IPL-equals-child-molesters line gets even more explicit with Paul Newman's article entitled: "Beware the IPL star snatchers - Wright next on list as youngsters are hunted".
If by hunted, you mean 'offered a six-figure sum to play cricket for a month', then fair comment.
Newman reveals that the filthy predator who is stalking the nation's youth is none other than Sachin Tendulkar - one of the 10 greatest batsmen ever and a hugely respected figure throughout the cricketing world.
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Solicitor Nick Freeman, a.k.a. Mr Loophole, must have slept well last night after once again getting a sports figure off the hook for a speeding charge.
Freddie Flintoff is once again free to drive recklessly - as is the birthright of every celebrity - despite being clocked going 87mph in a 50mph zone.
Mr Loophole has previously argued that Sir Alex Ferguson drove on the hard shoulder because he had a stomach upset and that David Beckham sped to shake off paparazzi.
This time he only had to check the date on the prosecution notice to earn his not-insubstantial fee.
Bludering police failed to send it within the 14-day limit and the case was duly dismissed.
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IMMEDIATE MCC RESPONSE TO ALBIE MORKEL'S 124-METRE SIX YESTERDAY: The MCC want to redraft the laws of cricket to outlaw the use of composite materials such as graphite and titanium in bat handles. Having seen IPL players clobbering maximums off the leading edge, Cowers is forced to concede they have a point. Only rubber, cane and glue will be allowed if the changes go through.
TALKING POINT: arviemail weighs in with this on the subject of cricketing indiscretions: "I can remember India's opening batsman Sudhir Naik on the 1974 tour to England was nicked for shoplifting for 'forgetting' to pay for some socks - I think it was at M&S."
Today - Is cricket better than sex, or is there no substitute for a quick Twenty20 between the sheets? Have your non-explicit say below.
COMING UP: Didn't you just know Shane Warne's IPL team would be sneakily good? The table-topping Rajastan Royals take on Mumbai at 3.30pm.
Meanwhile, a combined 23 men and three dogs are in attendance at today's four County Championship games.
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IM this storylst post-it says it all really-So no, cricket is not better than sex.Its quite a ridiculous question. I'd rather have toothache than watch cricket.Darts is better for goodness sake.
From samuelbanks on Wed May 07 01:14PMWith reference to sex v cricket, here in France there is a phrase"je dors a l'auberge de cul tourné" literally translated to "I sleep at the hotel of the turned arse!! Is this the equivalent of a Duck because it doesn't usually lead to a #uck!!!!!
From cafeclemence on Wed May 07 01:21PMI'm a twice married, father of 6... and I can't bat for toffee... but I know where my strenghts lie...
From hornystevers on Wed May 07 01:22PMOh well done - 1st post!! Why comment if you don't even like cricket???
Enjoy your toothache whilst I enjoy being one of the 23 men (not the dog) at a county match... Or maybe not.
Oh and come back when Darts is a sport!
From james_a_mcnair on Wed May 07 01:38PMCricket is a bit like a couple struggling to have sex. You stay in all day until someone puts the ball between the stumps.
From samuelbanks on Wed May 07 01:40PMIts in order to wind up gullible people like you.James a mcnair.Don't take it to heart pet.
From samuelbanks on Wed May 07 01:42PMsam banks - is that a name or a statement? judging by the hatred of cricket its probably a statement, with a quick thinking letter change to prevent C.C censorship.
From lewishoward_candj on Wed May 07 01:51PMp.s. dont take it to heart pet!
From lewishoward_candj on Wed May 07 01:56PMp.s. dont take it to heart pet!
From lewishoward_candj on Wed May 07 01:56PMflintoff what a joke - had to laugh at warne's desire for him to join in the IPL whoever got him would certainly get a personality...but his contribution on the pitch...he'd be the shevchenko of the IPL. Maybe it would be a good thing for flintoff, one of those ambas@#$%r jelopies in india probably couldn't manage to do 87mph, then there's the cows in the middle of the road to dodge !
From stuchristieph on Wed May 07 02:06PMEr, seems Cowers gets turned into a mudslinging match yet again! Sex v Cricky? depends which team you bat for i suppose as well as conditions on match day. She could be cloudy day with a chance of rain that'll making you lose a few overs, although the overcast conditions could help in the swing of the ball. If you can get an extra runner, that always motivates a player to stay in longer even if injured. Not sure which is best, all depends on the trac, the day and of course the quality of your opposition...
From adogshow on Wed May 07 02:10PMHow many of you think England can win the Ashes back next summer?
On the other hand how many of you think Australia will win them?
From thomas_rea1977 on Wed May 07 02:46PMI can't get sex or hundreds!!
From xdowntomylastx on Wed May 07 02:50PMEngland win the Ashes? We've got more chance of KP taking a vow of chastity and Flintoff taking the pledge.
From g_hine on Wed May 07 02:53PMlet us lay the argument to rest - the best combination ? a quickie at 3 p.m. before dashing off to the greens, score a hundred, have a couple of pints and come back home for a prolooooooooooonged session - orgasm at both ends of the spectrum... howzzat ?
From arviemail on Wed May 07 03:43PMfinally this will separate the cricket fans from the samuelbanks' - can anyone name a cricketer who was never run out in a career spanning more than a 100 test matches ?
From arviemail on Wed May 07 03:45PMOh i donoe arviemail- maybe Sashin Tendulkar or Phillip Neville. I been rackin me breens leek an a canny think of de ansar leek.Go on tell me who it is or ell not sleep ta neet.
From samuelbanks on Wed May 07 03:55PMMessage to C.C. - When someone does/says something stupid in the world of cricket can we say they did a "samuelbanks", like when schoolkids in the nineties skied a football you "Rory Delap-ed" it; or when, during school cricket games in the 07's you bowled a shocking over and gone for 27 you had "bowled a Harmy", go on C.C use your powers.....
From lewishoward_candj on Wed May 07 04:11PMi second lewishoward_candj (even if your name is a bit of a mouthfull!)
From adogshow on Wed May 07 04:19PMOn im flattered lewis.your best not to pay any attention to people like me-but some people never learn.go suck your bowls you twat.
From samuelbanks on Wed May 07 04:19PMI second Lewishoward_candj...
From adogshow on Wed May 07 04:20PMTime for me to wade into the batting order with a quick single - top marks to SamuelBanks' superbly witty comeback - go suck your bowls you *&^*. The equivalent of a Harmy bouncer, sadly predictable, not at all threatening and unl;ike to trouble a mature chap.
One is beginning to suspect SB is a true darts fan, rolled sleeves, drunk and ready to fight anyone for "looking at them in a funny way."
From oxycute2001 on Wed May 07 04:36PMWell, learned friends, on behalf of the readership of Early Doors I wish to apologise for letting Mr Banks loose on you lot. I did say he is not fit to walk the streets unassisted, but would they listen? By the way, played my first ever game of cricket on Sunday, and due to the misbalanced number of players present for each team, I ended up, er, batting for the other side. Despite such unexpected excitement I can safely say that sex wins hands down (or tied up, for that matter).
From garethcoletranslations on Wed May 07 05:21PMsamuelbanks - man, learn to spell (at least the names of cricketers) - this is not your ED blog.. we are all learned members (like the House of Lords) and if you don't like cricket what are you doing, posting entries here left, right and centre ?? Anyway thanks for the humour - God knows what we will do without the likes of you..
From arviemail on Wed May 07 05:38PMcricket is better than sex lol ya since cricket was probably invented by by old english dudes who couldnt get laid who else cares about cricket a man on the steet in england knows more about rochdale untd or any other 4th division team soccer team than any cricket player
From pkrgod1 on Wed May 07 05:42PMOk, on a potentially life-changing note, what exactly is a Cow Corner? Anything to do with eveil-smelling lumps of brown stuff in the poorly mowed outfield?
From garethcoletranslations on Wed May 07 05:42PMBack again. However, do not fear. I will be leaving these parts for better shores soon. As a famous poet once said ‘the caged bird will no longer sing. The fisherman trawls fresh waters. So Samuel banks must depart, beckoned by the call of Early doors…. or I mean drama.’ Samuel banks came in peace, but the guarded enemy drew its sword in anger. So I will be leaving now- never again to tread the hallowed turf of cow corner green.
From samuelbanks on Wed May 07 07:50PMLook i don't hate cricket.I was simply trying to boost the post numbers.I used to play the sport regularly. But a bad experience involving 2 balls and a stump has made be rather bitter about the whole sorry affair.You won't be hearing from this uneducated soul again. Unless Cow Corner is having a particularly bad day(everyday),in which case i might drop in to say hello-or contribute the odd insult or two. By the way, who was it said i couldn't spell? Let me remind you that there is a huge differnce between not knowing how to spell and accidentally pressing the wrong letter in the keyboard. Now would you all leave sammy alone and stop being so touchy. Oh and no-samuelbanks does not play or watch darts.Samuelbanks is much too refined for that kind of caper. Ahuht!
From samuelbanks on Wed May 07 08:09PMBy the way i know quite alot about cricket so don't patronise me.(That sounded a bit American.) Infact, i have quite an extensive knowledge of the game. That doesn't mean i have to like the sport. Anyway, Cow corner refers to the area of the field where few shots are usually placed-leading to the idea that cows could happily graze in that area.But arviemail- i wouldn't know the answer to; Who was never run out in a career spanning more than a 100 test matches ? That's a trivia question mate-and only nerds know shit like that. See ya
From samuelbanks on Wed May 07 08:24PMSo does nobody know what a Cow Corner is, or have you all quite rightly decided that life is too short?
From garethcoletranslations on Wed May 07 08:24PM
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