Cow Corner Blog

Bowling a maiden over

Wed May 07 12:36PM

You know that cricket is the new rock 'n' roll when an England player describes sex as "on tap", a term previously applied only to John Smith's and - on special occasions - Chicken Tikka Masala.

Skunk-haired Lothario Kevin Pietersen, who is married to one-time pop queen Jessica Taylor, claims that scoring a century is better than sex on the basis that:

"Centuries don't come around very often, whereas sex is on tap, isn't it?"

But is it really true that carnal encounters occur more frequently than scoring a ton?

Well, maybe for the likes of KP and Cow Corner (although in the latter's case it is by a 1-0 scoreline), but not all cricketers are so fortunate with the ladies.

There may be something chubbily charming about Kent skipper and self-confessed Ugly Betty fan Rob Key, but are we really to believe that he persuades his wife to jump into bed every time he reaches three figures?

Mark Ramprakash is a virtual Casanova on both fronts, having compiled 99 first-class centuries and admitted having an extra-marital affair, which he has now knocked on the head.

But suffice it to say that since his victorious appearance on Strictly Come Dancing, Ramps has found runs and female admirers equally easy to come by.

Sir Jack Hobbs was an appealing man and his nickname "The Master" can hardly have hurt with the ladies, but he could have gone through the Kama Sutra several times on his way to matching the 197 tons he racked up during a prolific career.

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Cowers has never been a big fan of the Daily Mail, but it continues to be amazed by the paper's capacity for xenophobic propaganda.

Being fun, revolutionary and foreign, the IPL has particularly upset the Mail, and it gets the 'paedophile' treatment in today's edition with a back-page banner screaming: "NOW THE INDIANS WANT LUKE WRIGHT". Not Luke Wright! Won't somebody think of the children?

Inside, the IPL-equals-child-molesters line gets even more explicit with Paul Newman's article entitled: "Beware the IPL star snatchers - Wright next on list as youngsters are hunted".

If by hunted, you mean 'offered a six-figure sum to play cricket for a month', then fair comment.

Newman reveals that the filthy predator who is stalking the nation's youth is none other than Sachin Tendulkar - one of the 10 greatest batsmen ever and a hugely respected figure throughout the cricketing world.

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Solicitor Nick Freeman, a.k.a. Mr Loophole, must have slept well last night after once again getting a sports figure off the hook for a speeding charge.

Freddie Flintoff is once again free to drive recklessly - as is the birthright of every celebrity - despite being clocked going 87mph in a 50mph zone.

Mr Loophole has previously argued that Sir Alex Ferguson drove on the hard shoulder because he had a stomach upset and that David Beckham sped to shake off paparazzi.

This time he only had to check the date on the prosecution notice to earn his not-insubstantial fee.

Bludering police failed to send it within the 14-day limit and the case was duly dismissed.

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IMMEDIATE MCC RESPONSE TO ALBIE MORKEL'S 124-METRE SIX YESTERDAY: The MCC want to redraft the laws of cricket to outlaw the use of composite materials such as graphite and titanium in bat handles. Having seen IPL players clobbering maximums off the leading edge, Cowers is forced to concede they have a point. Only rubber, cane and glue will be allowed if the changes go through.

TALKING POINT: arviemail weighs in with this on the subject of cricketing indiscretions: "I can remember India's opening batsman Sudhir Naik on the 1974 tour to England was nicked for shoplifting for 'forgetting' to pay for some socks - I think it was at M&S."

Today - Is cricket better than sex, or is there no substitute for a quick Twenty20 between the sheets? Have your non-explicit say below.

COMING UP: Didn't you just know Shane Warne's IPL team would be sneakily good? The table-topping Rajastan Royals take on Mumbai at 3.30pm.

Meanwhile, a combined 23 men and three dogs are in attendance at today's four County Championship games.

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