Cow Corner Blog

Close but no cigar

Thu May 08 01:23PM

The "Super Duper Fantabulosa Magnificent England Bulldogs Seventh String XI" aka the England Lions are in action against New Zealand at the Rose Bowl for the next four days.

It's a rag tag bunch of England possibles. Ravi Bopara, Chris Tremlett, Matt Prior are the next three cabs on the rank in their positions. Adil Rashid and Luke Wright are ones for the future (or August depending how the summer goes) while Rob Key and Matthew Hoggard are there to prove that eating disorders and bad hair are no obstacle to a potential Test recall.

Then there's Mike Carberry and Graham Onions - two guys over 25 who are hardly knocking at the Test door but more like giving it a gentle tap with their batting gloves on before running away.

We assume Graeme Swann is there to tell jokes (if he was an Indian chief, he would be called Funny Guy, No Spin) while Owais Shah is there to tell everyone how good he is.

"Maybe Owais Shah should play for England. Owais Shah thinks Owais Shah should. Actually, Owais Shah just wants to hear Owais Shah talk about Owais Shah. Owais Shah!"

At least Shah - who had to retire from his first Test innings with a single man living in a bedsit injury: cramp in his wrist - has had a taste of international cricket.

145 players have made their England Test debuts in the last 25 years and although there was a rule during the Ray Illingworth era that you had to have a blood relative within at least five miles of Pudsey to qualify, there are certain players who can feel hard done by never to have played for their country.

Here's Cow Corner's list of nearly men: meet the Steve Bruce or the Paul Davis of English cricket.

3) Andy Moles - The Warwickshire opening bat of the 80s and 90s was a hair's width away from a Test call-up. Sadly that was a Darrell Hair's width due to Moles' love of a good tea. Despite scoring over 15000 first-class runs at an average over 40 and winning numerous trophies with the Bears, all those scones and clotted cream meant his mobility in the field was like a gazelle - a dead one.

2) Mike Roseberry - Nicknamed Zorro due to his flashing blade, Roseberry scored over 1500 runs in three consecutive seasons when Desmond Haynes arrived at Middlesex. The two formed a highly-effective opening partnership with Roseberry doing his best Gordon Greenidge impersonation and he was picked for an England A tour of Australia in 1992-93. Sadly he then started batting like Gordon the Gopher and lost all form.

1) Alan Jones scored more runs and more centuries than any other player in Glamorgan's history (36,049 runs with 56 hundreds). The left-handed opener played for England against the Rest of the World at Lord's in 1970 in an official Test match but then just to spite the Welshman, the game was declassified by the ICC some years later and Jones was asked to return his cap and blazer.

***But all three should bear a thought for Jaie Siddons who amassed a then record 10,643 Sheffield Shield/Pura Cup runs at nearly 45 and if he had been born in Robinvale near Inverness rather than Robinvale in Victoria would have won about 100 England caps***

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England have insisted they have not approached batting legend Geoffrey Boycott to become part of their management set-up with the senior squad.

A report this morning has linked the 67-year-old former Yorkshire opener to a job as a part-time coach with England.

It is thought that coach Peter Moores was not happy with the prospect of Michael Vaughan going out to bat with a "stick of rhubarb" at Lord's next week.

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Australia's cricketers, heavily criticised for their behaviour during the recent acrimonious series against India, have lost none of their public appeal, according to a poll.

A survey of 50,000 Australians found that 83 per cent of people regarded the cricketers as good role models and cricket was still the most watched sport in the country.

What we find most surprising is that they found 50,000 Australians who could read the question.

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SELL THOSE SHARES IN CARBON RODS: In an effort to bring about an even contest between bat and ball, MCC members have voted almost unanimously in favour of re-writing Law 6 to ensure handles are made primarily from wood, cane and twine. Next week, bowling from 47 yards to increase run rates.

TALKING POINT: "No, cricket is not better than sex," the intolerable samuelbanks illustrates once more that he really knows nothing about our fine game.

"cricket was probably invented by by old english dudes who couldnt get laid who else cares about cricket a man on the steet in england knows more about rochdale untd or any other 4th division team soccer team than any cricket player," pkrgod1 is to syntax crimes as Rob Key is to KFC sales in East Kent.

Today - The best player never to have played for England and should Sir Geoffrey be coaching England's top order.

COMING UP: Due to a wildcat strike by our engineers in protest at Simon Hinks' exclusion from our Nearly Men list we have no County scorecards but have no fear, IPL is here.

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