Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Closing ceremony

Mon Jun 30 07:58AM

So it turns out you can write off the Germans after all.

As last night marked the last time anyone will be able to complain about John Motson, Early Döorß thought it would go to town with an alternative minute-by-minute commentary of the great man's swansong.

PRE-MATCH: ED watches various members of the German squad giving interviews in English. How on earth did Christoph Metzelder get so good? Did honorary Brummie Thomas Hitzlsperger teach him?

What with the perfect English and beard so thick and sturdy you could grate cheese on it, Metzelder is perhaps the most rounded individual in world football. If only he could defend.

The teams are in and Michael Ballack plays. Of course he does. If he has learned anything at Chelsea, it is how to pick up a mysterious "injury" in training before appearing miraculously unhurt in the next game.

So, over to Motty who wisely gives short shrift to the closing ceremony, which consists of giant balloon daleks dancing to 'You'll Never Walk Alone'. An ominous sign as Motson pronounces Enrique Iglesias's name incorrectly.

2' First mention of Luis Aragones who, at 70, is no fewer than eight years older than Motson. Any attempt to draw parallels moves quickly onto the pair both falling foul of the PC cops. 

Motson's crime was to admit he has trouble identifying black players, giving them something in common with white ones. Aragones defended his racist comments to Jose Antonio Reyes about Thierry Henry thus: "All I did was to motivate the gypsy by telling him he was better than the black." Well, that's alright then...

18' A nervous start from both sides and also the commentators. Motson seems hamstrung by not knowing anyone's name, while Mark Lawrenson's 'dad gag' count is well down - a slip from the German left-back passes without so much as a "Lahm to the slaughter" quip.

28' Early Döorß has no idea how many people work for the BBC's Pronunciation Unit, but it must be enough to hit Motson in the head with a frying pan. What makes him so amazing is the variation in pronunciation. 

Xavi's name ranges from "Chavvy" to "Zharbi", while Hitzlsperger makes a brief departure into "Hitzlberger". Better than the Italy quarter-final at least, when Massimo Ambrosini became "Albertini". ED can't wait until Dani "Geezer" comes off the bench.

32' GOAL! "Oh, it's there!" Torres prods Spain in front after a horrible cock-up by Lahm and Lehmann. Obligatory Liverpool mention but otherwise a decent bit of commentary. This game seems ripe for another 50 minutes of Spanish domination but no killer goal, then the Germans nick a late equaliser and win on penalties.

35' David Silva shanks a volley way over, prompting Lawrenson - clearly lifted by the goal - to quip: "He's gone for Hollywood, Silva. Well, hey ho!"

Ballack is cut, and lies there while a team of surgeons reconstruct his eyebrow. When he returns, the big dark blob of clotted blood on the outside of his right eye make him look strangely like he's had his make-up done to look like Amy Winehouse.

51' Carlos Marchena kicks Klose in the crown jewels, prompting an "Ooh Dear" from Motson, but not the kind of agonised sympathy you might elicit from a man still in his sexual prime.

66' Silva presses heads with Lukas Podolski and is quickly withdrawn. On comes Santi Cazorla, a man whose name obviously worries Motson, who has several goes at getting it right (he doesn't). He plays for "up-and-coming" Champions League semi-finalists Villarreal. Fabregas is also off, having done precisely nothing, making way for Shahby Alonso.

78' Somebody has obviously had a word, as Spain's substitute striker becomes "Gweether" not "Geezer". A let-down for ED, but the Mallorca man does at least provoke this exchange:

ML: "Top scorer in Spain - 27 goals, no penalties."
JM: "That is some output"
ML: "And yet he took one didn't he against the Italians?"
JM: "And scored! Did he?"
ML: "No."
JM: "He was the, he was the... yes he did, he had his shot saved, he was the only who did. Yes, he didn't score."

79' Klose goes off for some forlorn-looking chap who, within the space of 30 seconds, is called "Gomez", "Gometh" and "Gomesh". You've got to cover your bases. This rather obscures the insanity of Joachim Loew removing his only player with any chance of scoring.

90' Game over. The "inevitable" German onslaught never comes. Instead Metzelder repeatedly gives the ball away in his own final third, while his team-mates are reduced to knocking back passes towards Lehmann. Rather than trying to launch a last-ditch attack, Lehmann pushes Xabi Alonso in that lovably petulant way of his.

The Spanish squad immediately splits into several factions, with Catalans, Basques, Andalusians and Castilians all celebrating in a different corner of the pitch. Just kidding...

POST-MATCH: The presentation ceremony features a silver medal 'breaking' - the medal itself coming off the ribbon and clanging onto the floor, much to the consternation of UEFA automaton David Taylor.

Then non-playing sub Andres Palop collects his medal wearing Luis Arconada's shirt from 1984. As the Spanish team go mental, the Austrian director cannot resist cutting away to a close-up of the stony-faced Lehmann. 

Motty stumbles over a painstaking tongue-twister: "Spanish subtlety superior to Teutonic tenacity." He later tries to redeem himself with another alliterative monster about what emotions people are feeling in each Spanish city, but it is too late.

As much as sarky types like ED like to mock, Motson has produced some fine commentary over the years and, more importantly, people seem to like him. He has earned his BBC pension.

Also, future pub quiz fans will delight in recalling that his final words of commentary were: "Germany nil".

Here are a few John Motson classics:

"And that's England's finest victory over the Germans since the war!"

"Bruce has got the taste of Wembley in his nostrils."

"The two other strikers who started the match have been taken off. Kuntz."

"It looks like a one-man show here, although there are two men involved."

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip."

"Northern Ireland were in white, which was quite appropriate because three inches of snow had to be cleared from the pitch before kick off."

"If David Beckham claims that goal, it will be only the second goal he has scored for England... well, no, it won't be... it'll be the fourth or fifth free kick, I think... but certainly the one in Sapporo is the one we remember most in recent times... but how often has he changed the direction of the game for England?"

"You couldn't count the number of moves Alan Ball made... I counted four, and possibly five."

"Actually, none of the players are wearing earrings. Kjeldberg, with his contact lenses is the closest we can get."

"Paul Gascoigne has recently become a father and been booked for over-celebrating."

"Whether that was a penalty or not, the referee thought otherwise."

"And chipped in. AND VOLLEYED IN!!! And it's there by David Platt! England have done it! In the last minute of extra-time!" - Motty was always best when he just said what he saw.

- - - 

Its tournament over, Early Döorß has been packed onto a bus bound for Klagenfurt - Early Doors returns tomorrow along with all the usual space-filling rubbish at the bottom of the article.

 

• Email
• Share
  • Delicious
  • Digg
  • Facebook
  • Stumbleupon
  • Reddit
  • Newsvine