Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Closing ceremony

Mon Jun 30 07:58AM

So it turns out you can write off the Germans after all.

As last night marked the last time anyone will be able to complain about John Motson, Early Döorß thought it would go to town with an alternative minute-by-minute commentary of the great man's swansong.

PRE-MATCH: ED watches various members of the German squad giving interviews in English. How on earth did Christoph Metzelder get so good? Did honorary Brummie Thomas Hitzlsperger teach him?

What with the perfect English and beard so thick and sturdy you could grate cheese on it, Metzelder is perhaps the most rounded individual in world football. If only he could defend.

The teams are in and Michael Ballack plays. Of course he does. If he has learned anything at Chelsea, it is how to pick up a mysterious "injury" in training before appearing miraculously unhurt in the next game.

So, over to Motty who wisely gives short shrift to the closing ceremony, which consists of giant balloon daleks dancing to 'You'll Never Walk Alone'. An ominous sign as Motson pronounces Enrique Iglesias's name incorrectly.

2' First mention of Luis Aragones who, at 70, is no fewer than eight years older than Motson. Any attempt to draw parallels moves quickly onto the pair both falling foul of the PC cops.

Motson's crime was to admit he has trouble identifying black players, giving them something in common with white ones. Aragones defended his racist comments to Jose Antonio Reyes about Thierry Henry thus: "All I did was to motivate the gypsy by telling him he was better than the black." Well, that's alright then...

18' A nervous start from both sides and also the commentators. Motson seems hamstrung by not knowing anyone's name, while Mark Lawrenson's 'dad gag' count is well down - a slip from the German left-back passes without so much as a "Lahm to the slaughter" quip.

28' Early Döorß has no idea how many people work for the BBC's Pronunciation Unit, but it must be enough to hit Motson in the head with a frying pan. What makes him so amazing is the variation in pronunciation.

Xavi's name ranges from "Chavvy" to "Zharbi", while Hitzlsperger makes a brief departure into "Hitzlberger". Better than the Italy quarter-final at least, when Massimo Ambrosini became "Albertini". ED can't wait until Dani "Geezer" comes off the bench.

32' GOAL! "Oh, it's there!" Torres prods Spain in front after a horrible cock-up by Lahm and Lehmann. Obligatory Liverpool mention but otherwise a decent bit of commentary. This game seems ripe for another 50 minutes of Spanish domination but no killer goal, then the Germans nick a late equaliser and win on penalties.

35' David Silva shanks a volley way over, prompting Lawrenson - clearly lifted by the goal - to quip: "He's gone for Hollywood, Silva. Well, hey ho!"

Ballack is cut, and lies there while a team of surgeons reconstruct his eyebrow. When he returns, the big dark blob of clotted blood on the outside of his right eye make him look strangely like he's had his make-up done to look like Amy Winehouse.

51' Carlos Marchena kicks Klose in the crown jewels, prompting an "Ooh Dear" from Motson, but not the kind of agonised sympathy you might elicit from a man still in his sexual prime.

66' Silva presses heads with Lukas Podolski and is quickly withdrawn. On comes Santi Cazorla, a man whose name obviously worries Motson, who has several goes at getting it right (he doesn't). He plays for "up-and-coming" Champions League semi-finalists Villarreal. Fabregas is also off, having done precisely nothing, making way for Shahby Alonso.

78' Somebody has obviously had a word, as Spain's substitute striker becomes "Gweether" not "Geezer". A let-down for ED, but the Mallorca man does at least provoke this exchange:

ML: "Top scorer in Spain - 27 goals, no penalties."
JM: "That is some output"
ML: "And yet he took one didn't he against the Italians?"
JM: "And scored! Did he?"
ML: "No."
JM: "He was the, he was the... yes he did, he had his shot saved, he was the only who did. Yes, he didn't score."

79' Klose goes off for some forlorn-looking chap who, within the space of 30 seconds, is called "Gomez", "Gometh" and "Gomesh". You've got to cover your bases. This rather obscures the insanity of Joachim Loew removing his only player with any chance of scoring.

90' Game over. The "inevitable" German onslaught never comes. Instead Metzelder repeatedly gives the ball away in his own final third, while his team-mates are reduced to knocking back passes towards Lehmann. Rather than trying to launch a last-ditch attack, Lehmann pushes Xabi Alonso in that lovably petulant way of his.

The Spanish squad immediately splits into several factions, with Catalans, Basques, Andalusians and Castilians all celebrating in a different corner of the pitch. Just kidding...

POST-MATCH: The presentation ceremony features a silver medal 'breaking' - the medal itself coming off the ribbon and clanging onto the floor, much to the consternation of UEFA automaton David Taylor.

Then non-playing sub Andres Palop collects his medal wearing Luis Arconada's shirt from 1984. As the Spanish team go mental, the Austrian director cannot resist cutting away to a close-up of the stony-faced Lehmann.

Motty stumbles over a painstaking tongue-twister: "Spanish subtlety superior to Teutonic tenacity." He later tries to redeem himself with another alliterative monster about what emotions people are feeling in each Spanish city, but it is too late.

As much as sarky types like ED like to mock, Motson has produced some fine commentary over the years and, more importantly, people seem to like him. He has earned his BBC pension.

Also, future pub quiz fans will delight in recalling that his final words of commentary were: "Germany nil".

Here are a few John Motson classics:

"And that's England's finest victory over the Germans since the war!"

"Bruce has got the taste of Wembley in his nostrils."

"The two other strikers who started the match have been taken off. Kuntz."

"It looks like a one-man show here, although there are two men involved."

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip."

"Northern Ireland were in white, which was quite appropriate because three inches of snow had to be cleared from the pitch before kick off."

"If David Beckham claims that goal, it will be only the second goal he has scored for England... well, no, it won't be... it'll be the fourth or fifth free kick, I think... but certainly the one in Sapporo is the one we remember most in recent times... but how often has he changed the direction of the game for England?"

"You couldn't count the number of moves Alan Ball made... I counted four, and possibly five."

"Actually, none of the players are wearing earrings. Kjeldberg, with his contact lenses is the closest we can get."

"Paul Gascoigne has recently become a father and been booked for over-celebrating."

"Whether that was a penalty or not, the referee thought otherwise."

"And chipped in. AND VOLLEYED IN!!! And it's there by David Platt! England have done it! In the last minute of extra-time!" - Motty was always best when he just said what he saw.

- - -

Its tournament over, Early Döorß has been packed onto a bus bound for Klagenfurt - Early Doors returns tomorrow along with all the usual space-filling rubbish at the bottom of the article.

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bok
I'm likin wot u did there, GarethadvertiseforfreeonEDtranslations. what yer gonna doodle-do next? gizzard a hug. this is for u.... BOK!
From mooochas on Mon Jun 30 12:35PM
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Good suggestion for a sound track Matt, as you say perhaps a tad political
I can't imagine many folk from Catalunya or The Basque Country would have been at the Spanish end.
In light of recent allegations I think Sir Cliffs 1968 classic 'Congratulations' might have gone down a bit better in the Stadium than the idiotically obvious 'we are the Champions '
From arttidesco on Mon Jun 30 12:44PM
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Haha! Yeah, I'm liking where you're coming from with the Sir Cliff angle arttidesco. Maybe he had an Austrian bug's eye-view of Enrique Englasias and was training his sniper target on the singer in case he performed said song...
From mattheath2003 on Mon Jun 30 12:47PM
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Well done ED. Brilliant article! Fitting tribute to Motty and Spain actually.
But for some classic sayings, i would suggest Andy Gray (champions league). He is living proof that garbage comes in all shapes and sizes.
From dineshj23 on Mon Jun 30 12:48PM
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MoochasadvertiseforfreeonED are you doing an airmail service for GarethadvertiseforfreeonEDtranslations per chance ?
From arttidesco on Mon Jun 30 12:49PM
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Of course to really please the spanish and add a bit of spanishness in to the proceedings the DJ at the Ernst Happel Stadium could have whipped out that Spanish other 1968 'Classic' La la la by Massiel aka María de los Ángeles Santamaría Espinosa of Madrid
From arttidesco on Mon Jun 30 12:55PM
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That would have caused a f**king riot with all the hard core fans from Sir Cliff's "firm" kicking off and smashing up the seats...
From mattheath2003 on Mon Jun 30 12:57PM
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Early Dumb -- Your Boring briefing bore
From blu_deman on Mon Jun 30 01:02PM
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However good Motty and Andy Gray I do not think there is a commentator alive who will ever match Bruce Willis look alike Murray "The atmosphere is so tense you could cut it with a cricket stump" Walker
From arttidesco on Mon Jun 30 01:14PM
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Indeed Sir Cliff is so popular in Germany he once sang a whole song in German
From arttidesco on Mon Jun 30 01:26PM
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Great party here in Madrid last night and it should keep going a few more days!
I'm glad they one but you should hear the @#$% they are coming out woth on spanish TV - best team for the last 20 years, best team in the world, etc.
They wre good, but I think there is a lot to do to prove they are the best in the world.....
Anyway Viva España!!
From stephenjadamson on Mon Jun 30 01:27PM
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Spain likes to get excited
From arttidesco on Mon Jun 30 01:32PM
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No arttidesco snakes don't like flies, that would be lizards! I don't get the fly thing at all and I can't be arsed reading through everything to get it! Did anyone hear Motto (it may have been Lawrenson) last night "oh and he's limping!!" Sounds innocuous enough until you consider the guy (I forget who) was holding his c*ck, oh limping was he? What on his 3rd leg??
From claire881 on Mon Jun 30 01:39PM
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7 world cup finals and 6 european finals, not a bad record,england have a lot of catching up to do,3rd in 2006 2nd in 2008 aswell,dream on eng-er-land! jealous you will always be.
From irmcraut480 on Mon Jun 30 01:47PM
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Why on earth do people write on here just to tell ED its rubbish? I don't get it, I can think of much more constructive time wasting techniques! I hate Cliff Richard he's like an older version of Christiano Ronaldo... there was even a thing on football365 lookalikes! Come to think of it they have the same initials oh my God he's Cliff's love child arrrrgh!!!
From claire881 on Mon Jun 30 01:51PM
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Anybody think that Joachim Loew, instead of looking like Brian Ferry, is more like the actor in An Inspector Lynley Mystery, especially with those trousers and that thick Mr Plod belt he was wearing for the final?
From james_ssmith on Mon Jun 30 01:54PM
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He is as camp as Sir Cliff - you might have a disturbing point there Claire. Maybe he'll accompany his old man at Wimbledon in cheering up the crowd with a rendition of his erstwhile pop hit "summer holiday"...?
From mattheath2003 on Mon Jun 30 01:56PM
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"I hate Cliff Richard he's like an older version of Christiano Ronaldo... there was even a thing on football365 lookalikes! Come to think of it they have the same initials oh my God he's Cliff's love child arrrrgh!!!"
... whoa, less sugar next time :P
From lolqbabolq on Mon Jun 30 01:57PM
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I'm sure I saw Joachim Loew on an episode of "Rosemary & Thyme" as an evil hotel owner...
From mattheath2003 on Mon Jun 30 01:58PM
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Right, I'm off for the summer - ten days instructing 20 young women (young compared with me)in the mountains in Serbia, then doing this and that until September well beyond the temptations of the internet.
I've enjoyed this mostly and learnt quite a lot mostly about football in Scotland.
Thank you - maybe I'll be back to be irritating in September.
From james_ssmith on Mon Jun 30 02:00PM
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Even Spurs could have beaten sucky Germany last night, and Spurs suck!
From jude_surf on Mon Jun 30 02:00PM
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I think it Kolse with the 3rd leg problem that Lawrenson described as 'Limping' that made me laugh to Lol Certainly was not Schweinsteiger, or Pig Climber as he would be known in English
I like the idea of Cristiano Ronaldo being Cliff Richard's love child especially since Cliff owns half of Portugal and its wine production. Did you no Christiano was named after Ronald Rayguns the former US President ? Remember Latin names are reversed so Surnames First That would be well in line with Sir Cliffs politics......alledgedly
From arttidesco on Mon Jun 30 02:06PM
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Pig Climer's face always looks to me as like a person who is experiencing g-force on, lets say, a rollercoaster...
From mattheath2003 on Mon Jun 30 02:09PM
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Is it time for lollipops again Mr Smurf, since 'we Germans' lost last night have a cherry lolli on me
I am not sure Spurs would have beaten Germany last night cause they couldn't finish in the top half of the premiership although if Eto'd (Ha ha who's idea of a joke i that rumour ?) joins Tottenham would probably muster a 1 - 1 draw against Germany
From arttidesco on Mon Jun 30 02:14PM
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Unfortunately my bf is called Richard and for a while my 3 year old nephew was convinced he was called Cliff Richard! He kept saying he went up the park with Auntie Claire and Cliff Richard, no one knew what he was on about till we went to visit one day and he ran at my bf shouting "yay Cliff Richard!" The first and last time that sentence has ever been uttered! Ronaldo's calender and his are very similar as well!
From claire881 on Mon Jun 30 02:19PM
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By James have fun with your young women sure those scottish football tips will come in handy
Funny about g-force Schweinsteigers head. do you suppose he's had a face job and is actually twenty years older than he looks ?
From arttidesco on Mon Jun 30 02:20PM
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bok bok bok
yeah yeah yeah Jimboid. in the mountains in Serbia this, 20 young women that. maybe I'll be irritating in September. bokooorin bokooorin bokolloks
see u tomorrow or when u get back from the caravan holiday. bokhoobok bam
From mooochas on Mon Jun 30 02:21PM
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Cliff's boyfriend is called Richard too.
Watch "National Lampoon's Vacation" - Pig Climber (or indeed Holland's Kuyt) played Rusty, the son of Clarke Griswald - FACT.
From mattheath2003 on Mon Jun 30 02:23PM
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haha quality story claire
hopefully he's not as old as cliff richard!
he must of been mortified at getting called cliff richard!!
From marcgrant7 on Mon Jun 30 02:27PM
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If I take the quality (or lack of it) in the Germany side they might have been lucky to avoid relegation.
From jude_surf on Mon Jun 30 02:32PM
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