Ronaldo's tunnel vision
Fri Jan 09 09:06AM
When discussing Cristiano Ronaldo's dubious ability on free-kicks yesterday morning, Early Doors mentioned his uncanny knack of hitting the wall.
Little more than an hour later, he did just that in a two-day-old Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano that cost him nearly a fortnight's wages.
On his way to training, Ronaldo's car hit a roadside barrier inside a tunnel and bounced off a wall, leaving a smoking pile of precision Italian engineering by the side of the road.
Mike Riley immediately awarded a penalty and sent the wall off, even though replays showed it made no contact with the player.
As soon as pictures emerged of Ronaldo's wrecked Ferrari, people inevitably started to use the 'D' word.
No, not d***head. Diana.
The similarities between the two crashes were eerie. Well, both involved expensive cars and both took place in a tunnel.
However, while Diana was travelling beside the River Seine in Paris, Ronaldo's crash took place in rather less glamorous surroundings as he scooted under the runway at Manchester Airport.
And Edwin van der Sar was travelling behind in a Bentley rather than a Fiat Uno.
Ronaldo may have grinningly left training at the wheel of his back-up motor, a £150,000 Bentley Continental, but it could have ended up much, much worse.
Early Doors was tickled by the solemn tone of the video on this Manchester Evening News article.
It also features a star turn from Ronaldo's busybody next-door neighbour, who claims "he would have written it off on Monday" had she not armed him with advice on how to drive in cold weather - namely: "don't hit the brakes".
ED might be a curmudgeon, but it wishes death on nobody, least of all Ronaldo who is such a rich source of entertainment. But it can't help but wonder what might have happened had he failed to escape unscathed.
It would have been comfortably the biggest news story of ED's lifetime, knocking 9/11 and the fall of the Berlin Wall into seismically important but celebrity-free obscurity.
It would have resulted in a spontaneous outpouring of grief to dwarf even the aftermath of Diana's death, with Manchester United fans, people with Ronaldo in their fantasy team and fake tan salesmen taking to the streets in mourning.
There is also a very real chance that Elton John would have turned up to sing at his funeral, but the Daily Express's decision to relegate Ronaldo's crash to page 25 suggests it may not have dedicated a decade's worth of front pages to the investigation.
- - -
Happily, Ronaldo is OK and he has so much to live for - not least the chance to emulate the former king of pointless trickery, Denilson.
Once the most expensive player in the world, he is now less famous than his sideways-passing namesake who plays for Arsenal.
Denilson moved to Real Betis for a world record fee in 1998. Remarkably, Betis agreed a fee of £18 million with Sao Paulo before deciding to bump it up to £21m in order to set a new record.
The Spanish club adjudged that the positive publicity from their Guinness Book of Records entry would more than cover the extra £3m outlay.
As it turned out, Denilson was tragically, tragically awful. His only trick was to dance around the ball with a flurry of stepovers and tricks, and hope the defender fell over. Occasionally, it worked but most of the time opponents saw through him like Lucy Pinder's negligee.
He is one of those players who looks great in short clips, but with about as much end product as the British motor industry.
Having proved too rubbish even for MLS side FC Dallas (managed by full-time historical footnote Steve Morrow), Denilson has stooped to the depths of going on trial at Bolton just to remind everyone that he still exists.
Normally, modest clubs are so thrilled to have a big name training with them they fail to realise just how cynical the player is being.
But there was no pulling the wool over Gary Megson's eyes yesterday: "Denilson and his people are using it (the trial) as well because it somehow managed to get on Sky television at the exact time he was arriving into the country. But that's not a problem because Denilson is over here to try and get himself a contract at a football club. And at the moment he's at our club."
Early Doors hopes, in the interests of comedy, that he stays there.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: Emmanuel Adebayor finally sticks up for Willy Gallas: "He is our big brother, our rock and his behaviour since the armband was taken away proves that. William's indispensable to our team. Someone had to say these things. If he had said nothing, where would we be today." Probably in the top four.
FOREIGN VIEW: Kevin Kuranyi defends the right of his Schalke team-mate Rafinha to continue his night-owl antics: "There's nothing Rafinha can do if his neighbours have nothing better to do than call the police. There are many players who go to bed at 9pm but do not play as well as Rafinha. Just because a Brazilian is partying, it doesn't automatically mean he's getting drunk. "
COMING UP: Full weekend previews including new match stats from every Premier League game. Plus our usual Fantasy column and all manner of other goodies.
i_am_fbf NUMBER 8...YOU SOUND A BIT OF A LADYBOY YOURSELF.
From lin.hensby on Fri Jan 09 10:03AMED i have now totally lost all respect for ur writers, comparing Diana crash and ronaldo crash. how sad, pls show some respect for the dead. I am a die hard united fan but ronaldos crash is quite different from the france crash. comparing the two is trivialising the death of a great lady, who died for no good reason.
From smokezone_crew on Fri Jan 09 10:04AMIs it true that Ronaldo was heard to be moaning to the police was that the tunnel wall was not back 10 yards
From barrymepham on Fri Jan 09 10:05AMBrianmccotter - NOBODY died youfucking twatnipplegland. Maybe people like u should lighten up a bit.
Bob #48 we are not even going there. BTW One of my good friends whose on the inside at chelsea says they have really stepped up their training for the Old Twatford clash. They're going there to win.
From jay8my on Fri Jan 09 10:08AM35 it had Italian plates on it, as it was shipped from Italy, it is yet to be registered with UK plates
From barrymepham on Fri Jan 09 10:09AMSpammers Suck.....as does Ronaldo!
From kevin1985kane on Fri Jan 09 10:09AMGood morning all. I happen to think the ED article is very funny today. But that probably just shows my base sense of humour. Jedi that mask is far more Darth Maul than anything. Are you turning to the dark side?
From danny_saks on Fri Jan 09 10:10AMJohnny - If i was in Wengers shoes then i would play a strong team but use my subs to full effect. So maybe start 3 players that wouldn't normally then bring on the 3 regulars and Cardiff Utd wont know what hit them. So id start Ramsey i think he'd get a good reception at Ninienanienan Park.
From jay8my on Fri Jan 09 10:13AMCalling for a cease fire is 1 thing, making sure that it actually works is something else. United Nations are just posturing again like most politicians - All talk and no real action!
Thought you had a different avatar until recently. Still you look very much like a judge and if tyhe cap fits...
How about being the unofficial referee on today's blog to ensure that yesterday's stupidities are relegated to yesterday?
My avatar's in a disco and i am exhausted from the dancing!!
From jonathangrosskopf on Fri Jan 09 10:13AMGet Ulrika out! Get Ulrika out! Get Ulrika out!
Terry to win! Terry to win! Terry to win! Terry to win!
Lucy is Boring! Lucy is Boring! Lucy is Boring!
I wonder how long it will take QPR to get into the Prem? Any1 have any ideas??From jay8my on Fri Jan 09 10:16AMJohnny evz,
Could you be Jonny Rotten from the Sex Pistols in disguise??From jonathangrosskopf on Fri Jan 09 10:16AMOuote of the Day = Quality
From kevin1985kane on Fri Jan 09 10:17AMnot a tru united supporter beatween you lot.
From iainfraser62 on Fri Jan 09 10:17AMKev Kano, How are ya mate? I think ManPoo and chelski will be a draw so its time Liverpoo show their ruthless side and take advantage. I can see ManPoo getting stronger yet they're not that far behind. Im not going in to Arsenal's chances, i want Villa to win the league.
From jay8my on Fri Jan 09 10:22AMIanfraser,
I admit to be a Manchester United fan since circa 1958 (annie close your eyes) since the Munich Air Crash, but Ronaldo is a playboy a la George Best but not half as good as GB!
Anyway GB's girlfriends were mostly the A or AA list!! Ronaldo's are just wannabies!From jonathangrosskopf on Fri Jan 09 10:22AMYoure wrong Iain. There are at least two. But why would that matter anyway? I don't see the words 'Utd Supporters Blog' anywhere...
From danny_saks on Fri Jan 09 10:23AMu lot are a complete bunch of T OSSERS
From thedobbo2000 on Fri Jan 09 10:24AMwho cares about Dianna she's dead and has been for 10 years. get over it
From tommihew on Fri Jan 09 10:24AMHiya Matty. Who are the mighty Bulls losing to this week then?
From danny_saks on Fri Jan 09 10:24AMleave out the ladyboy jokes, the tiny @#$% jokes, the hitting te wall the diana crash...god the pathetic degree of intelligence shown on these pages really does give one little hope for the human race....a footballer, the sport we supposedly adore, nearly dies in a horrific road crash...lucky he walked away...just be grateful it wasnt ou or yours..
From stuartxland on Fri Jan 09 10:25AMMatty,
Top of the morning to you.
How comes you're so full of vim and energy on this friday morning?From jonathangrosskopf on Fri Jan 09 10:28AMMatty - Notice you, Noticing me.
That Mullets so Dangerous
That Mullets so dangerous,
That Mullets a 'Bad' WigFrom jay8my on Fri Jan 09 10:29AMCrikey we have some people who have got outta bed on the wrong side this morning here today don't we? Lighten up people. It's Friday! And nobody gives ashit what you think anyway.
From danny_saks on Fri Jan 09 10:33AMshould have broke his bloody neck the reckless b------d, lucky he didn't wipe anybody else out
From chrisw7892000 on Fri Jan 09 10:34AM75 - Hereford...why does that name ring a bell...? im a brighton fan
From jediknight20001 on Fri Jan 09 10:35AMWhats with the friday Lurkers, they're in such a bad mood today. I didnt know half of them fancied Ronaldo. So they Lurk and Love Ronaldo and then tell us off for saying anything about him. U Friday Lurkers should be ashamed of urselves!!
From jay8my on Fri Jan 09 10:35AMIts good to see you Matty. Was a bit worried after the death of John Travoltas son that you might be suffering from the same dose of Saturday Night Fever and having trouble ah-ah-ah-ah staying alive...
From danny_saks on Fri Jan 09 10:37AMNo Bob GB's girlfriends Miss World / Miss Universe for starters and the ex model wives he married?
Johnny,
No not John Travolta, but live in hope!
There was a programme about 70's Glam Rock and Alternative Rock.Rock on Queen - The Greatest Rock Band!!!
From jonathangrosskopf on Fri Jan 09 10:38AMOh and the Owls have got Ipswich. A real 6-pointer if there was one. But its away, so we'll lose.
From danny_saks on Fri Jan 09 10:39AMMatty thats not what i meant yesterday regarding ilurvemen22. I emailed you with the link, then said I smell Matty but u didnt show up so people would have prob thought i was accusing u of being gayboy. It was suppose to be "i Smell Matty" and then u were suppose to blog....but no!!
From jay8my on Fri Jan 09 10:39AM
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