Ronaldo's tunnel vision
Fri Jan 09 09:06AM
When discussing Cristiano Ronaldo's dubious ability on free-kicks yesterday morning, Early Doors mentioned his uncanny knack of hitting the wall.
Little more than an hour later, he did just that in a two-day-old Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano that cost him nearly a fortnight's wages.
On his way to training, Ronaldo's car hit a roadside barrier inside a tunnel and bounced off a wall, leaving a smoking pile of precision Italian engineering by the side of the road.
Mike Riley immediately awarded a penalty and sent the wall off, even though replays showed it made no contact with the player.
As soon as pictures emerged of Ronaldo's wrecked Ferrari, people inevitably started to use the 'D' word.
No, not d***head. Diana.
The similarities between the two crashes were eerie. Well, both involved expensive cars and both took place in a tunnel.
However, while Diana was travelling beside the River Seine in Paris, Ronaldo's crash took place in rather less glamorous surroundings as he scooted under the runway at Manchester Airport.
And Edwin van der Sar was travelling behind in a Bentley rather than a Fiat Uno.
Ronaldo may have grinningly left training at the wheel of his back-up motor, a £150,000 Bentley Continental, but it could have ended up much, much worse.
Early Doors was tickled by the solemn tone of the video on this Manchester Evening News article.
It also features a star turn from Ronaldo's busybody next-door neighbour, who claims "he would have written it off on Monday" had she not armed him with advice on how to drive in cold weather - namely: "don't hit the brakes".
ED might be a curmudgeon, but it wishes death on nobody, least of all Ronaldo who is such a rich source of entertainment. But it can't help but wonder what might have happened had he failed to escape unscathed.
It would have been comfortably the biggest news story of ED's lifetime, knocking 9/11 and the fall of the Berlin Wall into seismically important but celebrity-free obscurity.
It would have resulted in a spontaneous outpouring of grief to dwarf even the aftermath of Diana's death, with Manchester United fans, people with Ronaldo in their fantasy team and fake tan salesmen taking to the streets in mourning.
There is also a very real chance that Elton John would have turned up to sing at his funeral, but the Daily Express's decision to relegate Ronaldo's crash to page 25 suggests it may not have dedicated a decade's worth of front pages to the investigation.
- - -
Happily, Ronaldo is OK and he has so much to live for - not least the chance to emulate the former king of pointless trickery, Denilson.
Once the most expensive player in the world, he is now less famous than his sideways-passing namesake who plays for Arsenal.
Denilson moved to Real Betis for a world record fee in 1998. Remarkably, Betis agreed a fee of £18 million with Sao Paulo before deciding to bump it up to £21m in order to set a new record.
The Spanish club adjudged that the positive publicity from their Guinness Book of Records entry would more than cover the extra £3m outlay.
As it turned out, Denilson was tragically, tragically awful. His only trick was to dance around the ball with a flurry of stepovers and tricks, and hope the defender fell over. Occasionally, it worked but most of the time opponents saw through him like Lucy Pinder's negligee.
He is one of those players who looks great in short clips, but with about as much end product as the British motor industry.
Having proved too rubbish even for MLS side FC Dallas (managed by full-time historical footnote Steve Morrow), Denilson has stooped to the depths of going on trial at Bolton just to remind everyone that he still exists.
Normally, modest clubs are so thrilled to have a big name training with them they fail to realise just how cynical the player is being.
But there was no pulling the wool over Gary Megson's eyes yesterday: "Denilson and his people are using it (the trial) as well because it somehow managed to get on Sky television at the exact time he was arriving into the country. But that's not a problem because Denilson is over here to try and get himself a contract at a football club. And at the moment he's at our club."
Early Doors hopes, in the interests of comedy, that he stays there.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: Emmanuel Adebayor finally sticks up for Willy Gallas: "He is our big brother, our rock and his behaviour since the armband was taken away proves that. William's indispensable to our team. Someone had to say these things. If he had said nothing, where would we be today." Probably in the top four.
FOREIGN VIEW: Kevin Kuranyi defends the right of his Schalke team-mate Rafinha to continue his night-owl antics: "There's nothing Rafinha can do if his neighbours have nothing better to do than call the police. There are many players who go to bed at 9pm but do not play as well as Rafinha. Just because a Brazilian is partying, it doesn't automatically mean he's getting drunk. "
COMING UP: Full weekend previews including new match stats from every Premier League game. Plus our usual Fantasy column and all manner of other goodies.
COMMENT #83 : SAID IT ALL!
From peculiarpraise on Fri Jan 09 01:02PMI did lovely annie.peace
From jacknfor on Fri Jan 09 01:07PMSCREW WHAT PEOPLE SAY AND THINK, RONALDO IS DOWNRIGHT SEXY, MMMMMH..........
From lnaidoo36 on Fri Jan 09 01:14PMI did have a lovely Christmas and New Year.Hope you had an even beter one?peace
From jacknfor on Fri Jan 09 01:23PMcelebrating something special this year lovely annie?
Bowyer on loan to Birmingham City.What is happening to him?I had once thought of him as a decent midfielder who could fit into any of the top 4 teams.peaceFrom jacknfor on Fri Jan 09 01:34PMHi bro fbf,how was the festive season bro?peace
From jacknfor on Fri Jan 09 01:44PMJust a come together of all family members and sharing some happy moments while taking some good Grant whisky.peace
From jacknfor on Fri Jan 09 01:57PMannieh96 can I lick your ...........ahem
From wolfwhistle07 on Fri Jan 09 02:32PMLast!!
From jay8my on Fri Jan 09 02:56PMThis is where uve been hididng then Bob
From jay8my on Fri Jan 09 03:52PMTHE ONLY BAD THING WAS HE DIDNT INJUR HIMSELF.BUT THEN AGAIN IF HE DID WE WOULD BE SEEING AND HEARING ABOUT IT FOR THE NEXT YEAR OR SO.@#$% TO ALL OF IT.SLIMEY DIVING TIT!!!!!!!!!!!
From s.robinson560 on Fri Jan 09 06:56PMWitnesses at the scene of the Ronaldo crash say he was only lightly tapped from behind, when all of a sudden the car flipped over and rolled ten times, it then span around on the floor for two minutes, until eventually all the wheels fell off and it caught fire
From peterfarrelly on Fri Jan 09 08:32PMWell it might have cost him £ 200,000 but at least Shiney Pants has a new theme tune ' Driving In My Car '
Beep Beep
I've been driving in my car, its not quite a Jaguar
I bought it in Manchester, from a bloke from Brazil
It was made in '08 and I crashed it in '09
It says Ferrari on the door, the wheel fell off now its on the floor
I drive in it for my job, the govenor calls me a slob
But I don't really care giving it some gas in a tunnel was a bad idea,Its a bit old but it's all mine I mend it in my spare time
Just last week I changed the oil, the rocker valves and the coil
Last week it went round the bend and up the wall, I guess I had a little knock
I dented the fender, I learnt how to park on a bender, ha ha haIve been driving in my car, it dont look much but Ive been far
I can't drive to muswell hill, or even down to selsey bill
I drove along the at 45, I had her up to 58
This copper stopped me the other day, youre mistaken what could I say
The tyres were a little worn, they were o.k., I could have sworn
I like driving in my car, Im not satisfied I didn't get very farI like driving in my car, it dont look much Ive not been far
I like driving in my car, even with a flat tyre
I like driving in my car, its not quite a jaguar
I like driving in my car, Im not satisfied I did not get very farPurrrrfekt
From arttidesco on Fri Jan 09 08:54PMYou know why ronaldo crashed dont you?1 To show others how to drive and 2 how not to spend a weeks wages
From philipallan1 on Fri Jan 09 08:58PMBenitez is right all the ref's in the prem are in the pay of Manchester United
Go for it Liverpool West Ham will win the F A Cup
From arttidesco on Sat Jan 10 06:21AMShame it didn't kill the Munich Basatrd
From mainerd78 on Sat Jan 10 01:47PMvilla rock!
From martsssss on Sat Jan 10 03:11PMsorry Ronaldo its never over untill its over bro!
From charles4love_2 on Sat Jan 10 06:53PMWell done Stoke I bet Anne is pleased
Does anyone actually want to win the premiership this year ?
Lets hope Mancy United and Chelski manage another dull draw tomorrowWTF West Ham what are you playing at draw against Newcastle c'mmon we've got an FA Cup to win and a top four spot in the prem to win
WAKE UP ! WHUFC !From arttidesco on Sat Jan 10 08:17PMED, stop killing Ronaldo in your blog. He's class, you're crass.
From mlgmoyo on Sun Jan 11 08:40PMre Ronaldo crash - on his way to training. could'nt wait to get there. Tried the fancy leg work and forgot pedals under his feet not the ball park. e.xby.
From ericxby on Sun Jan 11 08:51PMChelski Rubbish Mancy Utd Sucks !
If you ever want to know how to stop your car just ask Cronaldo
I've been driving in my car it brand new but it wont go very far !!!
Beep Beep
From arttidesco on Mon Jan 12 02:22AMAzz anybuddyseeenAlexesboggleovredwinerondhererecently
?From arttidesco on Mon Jan 12 02:39AMFerrari might win the EPL if they can sign shiney shorts Cronaldo before the transfer window closes
From arttidesco on Mon Jan 12 02:40AMCall your selves Early doors its 6:22 am and you still haven't posted I shall desist from further posts until you start doing what you promise on the tin !!!
If I were American I'd make it my personal business to come round and Whup your @#$% into shape !
WAKE UP EARLY DOORS ITS NEARLY 6:30 AM ALREADY !!!!!
From arttidesco on Mon Jan 12 06:25AMchristiano ronaldo is a d-bag. i wish he would have gotten injured in that accident
From syth137 on Tue Jan 13 12:53AMronaldos girlfriends wannabes so true he needs to meet me
From yas1704 on Thu Jan 15 06:24PMsome one should buy him a motor bike a fast one.lol
From ianebdon on Thu Jan 15 07:09PMi wonder if his ccar is for sale i would like to ring it.lol
From ianebdon on Thu Jan 15 07:13PMi know this tunnel well hit at over 130 you gain 20mph looks like ron did the same sounds top with the windows down !!
From nlwarburton on Wed Jan 21 04:46PM
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