Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Red mist

Mon Jul 14 08:55AM

We've all been there. Sometimes you have a moment when all common sense and good judgement goes out the window, the red mist descends and you do something really, really, ridiculously stupid.

You wake up the next morning with a nagging sense of unease before your memory kicks in and the terrifying realisation of what you have done comes flooding back.

Early Doors knows the feeling well, having last experienced such horror when it rolled over to turn off its alarm clock and found itself staring Geri Halliwell in the face. (Note to lawyers - this never happened)

This is how Rio Ferdinand must feel most mornings since he went nuts and kicked a female steward after Manchester United's defeat to Chelsea round about squeaky bum time this spring.

And unlike that referee in Belarus, Rio didn't first need to consume enough vodka to get a herd of elephants doing karaoke to 'It's Not Unusual' and telling each other they are their best mate.

It has now been revealed the FA are investigating the incident, which means Rio could cop a four-match ban and an eye-watering £300,000 fine for lashing out at Tracy Wray.

Perhaps more importantly, it could scupper his bid to be the first TV personality to captain England.

Ferdinand apologised, saying he "accidentally brushed her with my foot", although The Sun claims Wray needed hospital treatment for severe bruising.

That a possible England captain could blame the incident on a lack of basic coordination must be more concerning to Fabio Capello than the fact that he kicked a woman.

You can't imagine the technically-superior likes of the Spanish connecting with anything other than the concrete wall they were aiming for, the sweetness of the strike resulting in several broken toes.

- - -

Pre-season is a time for wild optimism, when results don't matter and fans blow even the smallest positive into a harbinger of certain success.

Wayne Rooney has been criticised for not scoring enough goals, particularly headers, so what better way to begin life after Cristiano Ronaldo (ED has had enough, it's just going to assume the transfer goes ahead) than to nod one in against Aberdeen?

Rooney also won a penalty in a performance that would have left Manchester United fans cock-a-hoop - until they saw photos revealing that a summer of partying has left him sporting roughly the same dimensions as a Citroen Picasso.

Judging by the paparazzi photos (and ED sees no reason to use any other yardstick) Rooney has been drinking, smoking and looking uncomfortable in suits ever since Nicolas Anelka stuffed up his penalty in Moscow.

Two months on the lash have clearly taken their toll on the self-proclaimed 'big man', who faces a tough month to get down to his fighting weight, which is just slightly pudgy.

Then there was Michael Carrick, boldly staking his claim to become a Ronaldo-less United's first-choice penalty taker after sticking one away at Pittodrie, quipping: "I'll take a few more if they become available!"

While Everton and Aston Villa both geared up for their upcoming European failures with defeat against Swiss opposition, Charlton Athletic showed exactly how pre-season should be done.

Aware that a disappointing season has left morale low, Alan Pardew arranged two matches for Saturday against less-than-challenging opponents.

Charlton's first-team spent an afternoon's shooting practice against a Kent railway station as they ran out 6-0 winners at computer geek-owned Ebbsfleet.

Meanwhile, a 'Charlton XI' faced an even easier assignment as they romped to a 9-0 win against Braintree, meaning the Addicks' combined forces contrived to win by a tennis score.

But the biggest mismatch of the weekend took place in Germany, where Mikael Forssell scored 10 goals on his Hannover debut in a 23-0 win against local outfit FC Boffzen, which ED can only conclude translates as "school for the blind".

- - -

QUOTE OF THE DAY: "My mum knows what women are like and has told me not to bother having a girlfriend. Maybe I'll have to marry some who is wealthy or knows nothing about football," Micah Richards issues a come-and-get-me plea to the spoilt, brainless Hiltons and Lohans of the world.

TALKING POINT: A measured response from g_hine to Early Doors's willingness to overlook the fact that most of the comments on its message board involve people telling each other they suck: "An oversight worthy of a Holocaust denier ED. Shame on you."

It would seem that Yahoo's spamkillers agree with you, Sir, as they lopped about 200 comments off Friday's post thereby putting paid to the first four-figure haul of comments.

Today - Should Rio face further punishment for his epic strop? Alternatively just banter your way past the thousand-mark again.

Comments31 - 60 of 369
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Not Countdown... Family Fortunes - Can you imagine the answers you'd get with a lineup that includes Rio, Anton and Les Ferdinand?
From g_hine on Mon Jul 14 09:39AM
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if we are going to have tv personalities as captain Jonafun Woss and Terry Wogan would be in the running or heaven forbid Carol 'get yourself some life insurance' Vodermman :-0
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 09:40AM
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What would Rooney look like in Lederhosen ?
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 09:42AM
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andywalker269: u seem really jealous of rooney.
From jay8my on Mon Jul 14 09:44AM
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No commission from ED regrettably Andy, might be a bit desperate for a short film script though
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 09:46AM
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No commission from ED regrettably Andy, might be a bit desperate for a short film script though
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 09:46AM
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unless the stewardess was camouflaging with the tunnel wall then it would be an accident if rio kicked her so i think he should get a punishment for that
From agent67 on Mon Jul 14 09:47AM
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Andywalker, Rooney is from a council estate, so what? Is this going to be a blog where lower middle class get to vent against people a step or two down in the pecking order? Is this a cue for a chicken?
From james_ssmith on Mon Jul 14 09:48AM
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watch your spelling every1 g_hine is about.
From jay8my on Mon Jul 14 09:49AM
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There are some really pathetic attitudes on display here. I'm going to watch the cricket and pretend to be better wot i really am.
From james_ssmith on Mon Jul 14 09:52AM
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Has Rio ever entered the Hot Dawg Eating Championships ?
With a gob (no disrespect to Jobe Claire) like that you would have thought he could manage a couple of hundred Hot Dawgs in two minuets
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 09:53AM
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punish him...dont punish him what do we care???yawn..doesnt make a difference he is just guna be 300grand poorer and we non the wiser
From watsupiyke on Mon Jul 14 09:54AM
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mind you do not fall asleep james with a 1.93 run per over average you might miss something
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 09:54AM
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Rio's a bad bad man. Bad. Rooney is fat... Fat. Fat. Carrick is drab. Drab. Drab... Ronaldo's a @#$%... @#$%. @#$%.
From theoherdman on Mon Jul 14 09:55AM
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Mt Heinz is probably to busy contributing to compost corner to be worrying abaht ours spellings now's LOL
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 09:56AM
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23-0 Thats a goal every 3.9 Minutes. How can any team be THAT bad?
From richardc3162002 on Mon Jul 14 09:57AM
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was ferdinand really captain material before? it's not the first time he's been linked to something other than an intelligent move. ghetto stereotypes aside, what does being from a poor area have to do with getting tubby, which is what ED mentioned. becoming a gigantic fat-arse is something afforded to just about everyone in the western world, for better or worse.
From jcpotvin on Mon Jul 14 09:58AM
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andywalker spot on re Rooney mate!
As for 'drunken' referees having to be escorted off (no red card, note!), this should be made more of (especially considering his authoritarian hands-off-me reluctance to go)- how many like him ( blind, deaf, dumb, drugged, corrupt etc) are there, and what should be done about their crazy, ridiculous, game-threatening/altering 'decisions' on penalties etc?
The next time someone defends refs I will just send the clip as a reminder and condemnation...
From grammarman2001 on Mon Jul 14 09:59AM
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Anyone notice Macdowell secured his place in the Ryder Cup ?
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 09:59AM
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No, artti, it's just your spelling is so far out, I don't know quite where to begin
From g_hine on Mon Jul 14 10:01AM
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it's traditonal to begin at the start.
From jcpotvin on Mon Jul 14 10:02AM
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Are Rio/Anton and Les related? Sorry if it was a joke.
Shame for Rio, I thought he had the England captaincy in the bag. Or does nobody mind if the England captain goes around beating up little old ladies? Talking point: who should be England captain. Personally, I don't think any of them deserve it.
From garethcoletranslations on Mon Jul 14 10:02AM
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With out referees their would be no game only a bun fight
you know where to send the clip grammarman
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 10:02AM
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yes, he's their cousin
From g_hine on Mon Jul 14 10:03AM
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liverpool fans should say gerrard, man utd ferdinand and chelsea terry. i would prefer gerrard (as a red), but missed penalty aside, john terry is worth of the armband.
From jcpotvin on Mon Jul 14 10:04AM
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I think England should go back to having ex hammer David James in Goal that might keep the score a bit more manageable richard 16th March 2002 I suggested that to compost corner yesterday but no one ever listens to a German WHUFC supporter wearing Lederhosen
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 10:06AM
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agreed it should be terry...he is the pick of the lot
From dannickbates on Mon Jul 14 10:07AM
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As an arsenal fan i would say gerrard, he is just 1 of those people who can lead by example and is more consistant tha rio and JT. Also Stevie G can handle the pressure that comes with it.
From jay8my on Mon Jul 14 10:08AM
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Well said jc of bin ladens toon if in doubt start at the beginning unless of course your backward in which case you will want to start at the end On the other hand if your confused you could start in the middle
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 10:10AM
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As a WHUFC fan I'll say Ballack in anticipation of his soon to be announced arrival
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 10:11AM
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