Red mist
Mon Jul 14 08:55AM
We've all been there. Sometimes you have a moment when all common sense and good judgement goes out the window, the red mist descends and you do something really, really, ridiculously stupid.
You wake up the next morning with a nagging sense of unease before your memory kicks in and the terrifying realisation of what you have done comes flooding back.
Early Doors knows the feeling well, having last experienced such horror when it rolled over to turn off its alarm clock and found itself staring Geri Halliwell in the face. (Note to lawyers - this never happened)
This is how Rio Ferdinand must feel most mornings since he went nuts and kicked a female steward after Manchester United's defeat to Chelsea round about squeaky bum time this spring.
And unlike that referee in Belarus, Rio didn't first need to consume enough vodka to get a herd of elephants doing karaoke to 'It's Not Unusual' and telling each other they are their best mate.
It has now been revealed the FA are investigating the incident, which means Rio could cop a four-match ban and an eye-watering £300,000 fine for lashing out at Tracy Wray.
Perhaps more importantly, it could scupper his bid to be the first TV personality to captain England.
Ferdinand apologised, saying he "accidentally brushed her with my foot", although The Sun claims Wray needed hospital treatment for severe bruising.
That a possible England captain could blame the incident on a lack of basic coordination must be more concerning to Fabio Capello than the fact that he kicked a woman.
You can't imagine the technically-superior likes of the Spanish connecting with anything other than the concrete wall they were aiming for, the sweetness of the strike resulting in several broken toes.
- - -
Pre-season is a time for wild optimism, when results don't matter and fans blow even the smallest positive into a harbinger of certain success.
Wayne Rooney has been criticised for not scoring enough goals, particularly headers, so what better way to begin life after Cristiano Ronaldo (ED has had enough, it's just going to assume the transfer goes ahead) than to nod one in against Aberdeen?
Rooney also won a penalty in a performance that would have left Manchester United fans cock-a-hoop - until they saw photos revealing that a summer of partying has left him sporting roughly the same dimensions as a Citroen Picasso.
Judging by the paparazzi photos (and ED sees no reason to use any other yardstick) Rooney has been drinking, smoking and looking uncomfortable in suits ever since Nicolas Anelka stuffed up his penalty in Moscow.
Two months on the lash have clearly taken their toll on the self-proclaimed 'big man', who faces a tough month to get down to his fighting weight, which is just slightly pudgy.
Then there was Michael Carrick, boldly staking his claim to become a Ronaldo-less United's first-choice penalty taker after sticking one away at Pittodrie, quipping: "I'll take a few more if they become available!"
While Everton and Aston Villa both geared up for their upcoming European failures with defeat against Swiss opposition, Charlton Athletic showed exactly how pre-season should be done.
Aware that a disappointing season has left morale low, Alan Pardew arranged two matches for Saturday against less-than-challenging opponents.
Charlton's first-team spent an afternoon's shooting practice against a Kent railway station as they ran out 6-0 winners at computer geek-owned Ebbsfleet.
Meanwhile, a 'Charlton XI' faced an even easier assignment as they romped to a 9-0 win against Braintree, meaning the Addicks' combined forces contrived to win by a tennis score.
But the biggest mismatch of the weekend took place in Germany, where Mikael Forssell scored 10 goals on his Hannover debut in a 23-0 win against local outfit FC Boffzen, which ED can only conclude translates as "school for the blind".
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "My mum knows what women are like and has told me not to bother having a girlfriend. Maybe I'll have to marry some who is wealthy or knows nothing about football," Micah Richards issues a come-and-get-me plea to the spoilt, brainless Hiltons and Lohans of the world.
TALKING POINT: A measured response from g_hine to Early Doors's willingness to overlook the fact that most of the comments on its message board involve people telling each other they suck: "An oversight worthy of a Holocaust denier ED. Shame on you."
It would seem that Yahoo's spamkillers agree with you, Sir, as they lopped about 200 comments off Friday's post thereby putting paid to the first four-figure haul of comments.
Today - Should Rio face further punishment for his epic strop? Alternatively just banter your way past the thousand-mark again.
Terry is a good choice especially as he has proven himself in the crying department.
From londoncarl on Mon Jul 14 10:13AMthat's why i mention "tradition", 'memento' really had me scratching my head after all.
From jcpotvin on Mon Jul 14 10:13AMMonty Panesar seems a bit handy with the ball maybe he should be kapitain do not go for Collingwood 'cause he is only 5th in the AFL Home and Away
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 10:14AMwell jay, if arsenal buys gareth barry, you'll have a contender for the yellow strip! (and you'll have saved liverpool 18 million pounds) i thought that was the funniest transfer rumor yet.
From jcpotvin on Mon Jul 14 10:15AMart the ballack thing is getting abit boring now. As a WHUFC supporter u should be hoping they buy players that dont get injured the next day.
From jay8my on Mon Jul 14 10:16AMwhile very late, on the "best transfer by your favorite club in your lifetime" topic, kenny dalglish to liverpool from celtic should be #1, but seeing as i was in diapers, i'd have to go with fernando torres. we've never brought a foreign player into the fold like him, and we've certainly never had someone from outside the UK be that effective.
From jcpotvin on Mon Jul 14 10:19AMI see the buggers who lost their colours to WHUFC in a bet are starting the new season against Obense BK on Saturday I wonder if ED will have the privilege of attending what is sure to be a bacon butty event
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 10:20AMJoey Barton could be a good example for the next England captain or he could become a referee
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 10:23AMYeah i thought the barry to arsenal rumour was quite funny, but i generally think he would fit into arsenals style of play. I think the funniest move so far has been fowler to blackburn.
From jay8my on Mon Jul 14 10:24AMjoey barton would be a brilliant captain, the perfect barometer for rooney. whenever tubby felt one of his raging tantrums coming on, he could look over at barton (presumably pistol-whipping someone) and realize, 'i don't wanna be that guy'.
From jcpotvin on Mon Jul 14 10:25AMMock ye not Jay, once we have Ballack WHUFC will be 2nd in all competitions
Guaranteed From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 10:25AMI wander if Fowler to Blackburn had anything to do with Ince and Fowler being team mates at Anfield ?
Is Robbie F still on the Leeds payroll ?
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 10:27AMI wander if Fowler to Blackburn had anything to do with Ince and Fowler being team mates at Anfield ?
Is Robbie F still on the Leeds payroll ?
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 10:27AMi think barry would be a good fit for arsenal ~ an upgrade from flamini, but not at 18 million. fowler to blackburn probably is funnier, because it seems to be true. i guess robbie was never very quick, so maybe he'll be able to swing his walker around the park for 15 minute substitute stretches.
From jcpotvin on Mon Jul 14 10:27AMCrouch for England captain, and David Seaman to sensationally return as England goalkeeper!
From alex.ranahan on Mon Jul 14 10:27AMgerrard would definatly be the best contender for captain. terry can be hit or miss and rio can barely control his own right foot(as the steward would agree to) so what hope does he have of controlling a team
From bencornelius23 on Mon Jul 14 10:27AMart why do u keep repeating urself is it some kind of german thing, i think podolski has more chance of going to the hammers than ballack.
From jay8my on Mon Jul 14 10:36AMJust can't see Scolari keeping the man who terminated his Portugal career
If you watch a replay of Ballack's last goal against Portugal the camera pans to Scolari who is pointing at Ballack and if you read Scolari's lips he is screaming Ballack you B(explitive)d I am going to transfer you to West Ham !'
It is only a matter of time and transfer windows
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 10:45AMLooks like the girls are all working again this morning
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 10:46AM921 comments to go...
From richard.ekman on Mon Jul 14 10:50AM920 comments and one hippy hat to go
is it lunch time in Sweden Richard ?From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 10:52AMye but not for me. Stupid boss....
From richard.ekman on Mon Jul 14 10:54AMTJ M of Australia wants to know what Liverpool will do without Torres and Gerrard ?
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 10:56AMballack, gomez, huntelaar, van der vaart & lahm should transfer together to madrid and unite all the sons of bismark at the bernabeu! glazed-ham united could get robinho, raul, ramos ~ virtually any latin player whose name begins with the letter R, or perhaps even K. those players, in the rich tradition of mascherano and carlito tevez, will be sparsely used as rubber hammers and ultimately sold off to the "Big 4", perhaps even at auction.
in a bold turn, real will lead the spanish armada as they invade carlos queiroz' portugal with their new germanic technicians calling the shots. they might have to purchase a few u.s. aircraft to finish the job, but ultimately, the iberian derby will fall to the spaniards after it is revealed big phil scolari sold tactical secrets to the men wearing white in exchange for a big russian pay day in the most fashionable town in england. i think this is a "win-win" for everyone.
From jcpotvin on Mon Jul 14 11:01AMliverpool fc without gerrard and torres is like the beatles without lennon & mccartney.
From jcpotvin on Mon Jul 14 11:02AMOMG two whole paragraphs jc of Bin Laden's toon are you all right ?
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 14 11:04AM"Chelsea have anounced their plans to build a stadium in solid gold. This would be possible with the money they will recieve from the "Ballack to West Ham"-transfer"
Dagens Nyheter (swedish newspaper)
From richard.ekman on Mon Jul 14 11:05AMonly trying to ensure the credibility of reaching 1000 posts is preserved
From jcpotvin on Mon Jul 14 11:06AMits a shame the girls arent here dis morning to add another dimension to this mornings board as it seems to be very slow this morning
From bencornelius23 on Mon Jul 14 11:10AMFerdinand is over rated. King should take his place in england when he gets fit.
From richard.ekman on Mon Jul 14 11:10AM
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