Monster Masch-up
Mon Mar 24 08:52AM
Footballers may well live in their own little bubbles, snugly wrapped up in cotton wool and guarded from reality by a crack team of agents, overly protective managers and highly paid lawyers.
But Early Doors refuses to accept that a basic understanding of current affairs in the real world is an entirely foreign concept to a footballer - after all, they pick up the papers to read about how well they played at the weekend, don't they?
Which makes it all the more unbelievable that last week's hoohaa about players' lack of respect for referees and the post Cole-gate fallout (gags on a postcard to the usual address, please) appears to have entirely passed by Javier Mascherano.
Given the coverage afforded to the subject over the past five days, did Mascherano not realise that his actions at Old Trafford were bordering on the wrong side of ill advised?
Regardless of whether he used foul and abusive language towards Steve Bennett - ED suspects he did not, but now wishes he had at least got his money's worth - the Argentine cannot have been surprised by the outcome.
As it was, he certainly did appear taken aback when Bennett brandished red, making him see the same colour and finally properly lose control on his way off the pitch. It even took a posse of team-mates to prevent him from doing something he may have later regretted (yeah, right, it was one of those classic 'Hold me back lads! Please. Lads? Hold me back, I'm gonna batter him' moments you see not very hard people acting out on pitches across the country week in week out).
Perhaps he's just really thick. Certainly, several of this morning's red tops agree, with the Sun running with the headline 'Dumbest Man on the Planet' on its back page while the Daily Star go for 'Mad Masch' and the Daily Mail 'Monster Masch'.
It's no secret that, as a breed, footballers aren't the sharpest tools in the box - take a quick look at last week's Question of Sport for some prime, juicy evidence (Nigel Reo-Coker could not quite remember who will be co-hosting the summer's Euro 2008 finals with Austria. Are you having a laugh, Nige? You're a professional footballer, for crying out loud).
In fairness to Mascherano, he has rarely displayed such stupidity, although he did once sign for West Ham. But there are definitely more worthy contenders for the title of dumbest man on the planet.
Regardless, Masch now seems set for an FA charge and could be on the receiving end of a five game ban, which will go nicely with his newfound status as public enemy number two (the Ashley Cole thing is still too raw to forget about just yet).
- - -
King Kev finally proved he's still got the capacity to win at the weekend, if only after nine previous failed attempts and against one of the worst teams in the Premier League.
Nevertheless, the good times rolled back onto Tyneside on Saturday night and it would be remiss of ED to let their victory over Fulham go unnoticed.
So why did the result leave ED have a sour taste in its mouth? It's simple really - Mike Ashley's post-match comments.
Apparently the Magpies owner burst into the bar at full-time and shouted to Chris Mort "let's get naked and have a party".
Fat, naked Geordie men are a common sight at St James' Park, but the thought of Ashley partying away in the St James' bar without his customary Newcastle shirt frankly scares ED.
Perhaps Ashley just wanted to enjoy the moment while it lasted, and you can't blame him for that, although there were good omens for the Toon's survival elsewhere too.
After Bad Friday's revelation that Newcastle's fate this season is intertwined with that of struggling Paris St Germain, it came as good news to Magpies fans when the link was broken nearly as easily and quickly as it had been created, PSG slipping to defeat against Lyon while Newcastle were still nursing a sweet victory and nakedness-induced hangover.
- - -
La Liga top scorer Luis Fabiano says he is under pressure from his family to leave Sevilla following an armed robbery at their house in the Spanish city.
"My family are very scared and they don't want to stay in Seville," the Brazilian said. "I'm trying to talk them round but it isn't easy."
Not easy? No kidding. For a man who has already spectacularly displayed his lack of prowess in a fight - the now famous 'drunken windmill attack' on Carlos Diogo - it's easy to see why his wife is lacking faith in his ability to protect the homestead.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE WEEKEND PART ONE: "I'm sweating. Be nice. Don't worry about upsetting me, tell me I'm sweating." Paul Jewell proves Mike Ashley hasn't got exclusive fat and naked rights to provoking repulsive thoughts in ED's mind after the News of the World revealed excerpts from the Derby boss's homemade dirty video.
QUOTE OF THE WEEKEND PART TWO: "I'm my own man. I don't want people to say that I'm a Fergie-type manager or a Hoddle-type manager. Paul Ince is Paul Ince, he's got his own style of management. People thought I was mad when I went to Macclesfield Town. They thought, because I was a big name, I should put my feet up and wait for a big club, but Paul Ince is not like that. Paul Ince, the footballer is gone, this is a new chapter in my life." Like Early Doors, Paul Ince likes to refer to himself in the third person.
NEEDLESS ADVICE OF THE DAY: "Managers must keep private lives private". An interesting insight from Tony Cascarino in the Times today, suggesting that it was actually Paul Jewell who distributed that tape of him at it with the "mystery blonde". Hardly likely.
FOREIGN VIEW: The spectre of hoologanism still looms large in South America, and it reared its ugly head once again in Argentina at the weekend as Racing Club fans, furious after their team had three players sent off in six minutes and a goal disallowed, hurled missiles onto the pitch and forced the match against Estudiantes to be abandoned. And Liverpool fans complain about one red card...
TALKING POINT: Is Javier Mascherano the dumbest man on the planet? Or was he simply the victim of circumstance? Post your comments in the usual manner below.
COMING UP: It may be a Bank Holiday, but there are still a team of worker drones buzzing their way around an updated Team of the Week, Winners and Losers and Around the World in 80 Goals for your perusing pleasure. All three should be with you before midday.
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IM this storyWell done Steve Bennett, his justified sending off of the 'gobby' Argentinian had a great effect on the conduct of the Chelsea and Arsenal players. None of the usual pressure on the ref when a foul was committed.
I remember the old saying - "the referee is not God, you can appeal to God" - it's a pity that some of our megabucks earners don't appreciate what the ref's job is and allow him to get on with it.
From old_dubya2004 on Mon Mar 24 02:06PMED doesn't know what it's talking about, and the shot at West Ham proves that. A few days ago I said that Mike Riley, and I'm coining this phrase, suffered from Referee Masochism or R&M for short. Obviously, the little Argentine footballer didn't arouse the referee in the same way the Chelsea lads did.
From jasondharrison on Mon Mar 24 02:24PMAnd who the hell is that hot chick holding Mascherano's arm? In the photo above.
From jasondharrison on Mon Mar 24 02:29PMThe dumbest man in the planet is Benitez since he thought Liverpool were still in the hunt for the title. Now he has to worry about 4th place.
From alihatefi on Mon Mar 24 02:36PMSuch fickle minded people, talk about sheep, one bleats and you all bleat! theres not one person out there thats supports a team who haven't had ago at the ref, utd, arsenal and chelsea being the worst for it. You all sit in your ivory towers bleating and suddenly all expert lip readers but anyway 12 man utd and mr f.a. got there win so carry on bleating.
From beaker122003 on Mon Mar 24 04:05PMDear Early Doors I am Happy for you to have noticed the Clear cut difference between the PSG and Newcastle however I am Less happy you discovered it by a heroic (by that I mean desperate yet brave attempt to over turn a club with players that kinda know how to play football) 4-2 loss to Lyon THAN by my post from Friday (which I am sure you didn't read). At least Ed has One Thing going for it : although one of their self proclaimed journalists looks suspiciously like James May what they right has some kind of a strange sens to the kind of bloke who spends his life in a pub, not like the overweight dude we have in France. A guy Named FatMan Pierrot who has obviously been practicing that look for weeks is what you call Laim Not to Be Vulgar. So I Say To Early Doors Please Don't Become Fat Or I will Have To Learn Spanish.
PS : I MEAN REALYFrom stephann009 on Mon Mar 24 06:09PMMascherano must be mental, it's been in the papers all week, everyone and his dog must have known that this was not going to be the weekend to get gobby with a ref. I have to ask, why his captain didn't tell him to be quiet or why he wasn't substituted.
Cole-gate? What's toothpaste got to do with football?
From wapld20 on Mon Mar 24 06:38PMJust thought I'd clarify a few things as it seems I'm such a sore loser as quoted in an earlier comment.I watched the match and the replays. You couldn't miss the punch in the head from Ferdinand.I'm not an avid Liverpool fan but Andy Gray is right, it's called passion and emotion. By the way I don't remember the Liverpool manager being investigated regarding 'bungs' and just when was the last time Portsmouth won anything?
From c.catterson on Mon Mar 24 10:01PMJust thought I'd clarify a few things as it seems I'm such a sore loser as quoted in an earlier comment.I watched the match and the replays. You couldn't miss the punch in the head from Ferdinand.I'm not an avid Liverpool fan but Andy Gray is right, it's called passion and emotion. By the way I don't remember the Liverpool manager being investigated regarding 'bungs' and just when was the last time Portsmouth won anything?
From c.catterson on Mon Mar 24 10:01PMI Miss Mourinho
From sablengjoko on Mon Mar 24 10:12PMI think that Javier may actually be the dumbest man on the planet, for the simple reason that the subsequent Google-search of 'the dumbest man on the planet' came up with the same semi-balding midget of a man that received his South American marching orders at the weekend. Had this question been asked before the weekend (like some 'Back to the Future' time-warped, Mystic Meg predicament, only before it had happened...or something of equal and similar science fiction nonsense), then there could quite possibly could have been a different answer. To combat the officialdom of such a widely-used exercise that is the Google search engine, and thus blow the fish out of the water and elect possibilities that stretch beyond the third person personification that is ED, my choice would be OJ Simpson. After the 'I didn't do it' malarkey of his first court case, the man just had to get back into law-hating limelight and drink and drive. Did anyone not tell him that drinking and driving can result in not only a harsh sentence for committing such a felony, but also result in wet trousers because of the high risk of spillage? An unbelievable state of affairs, if one is asked on the current state of affairs at present.
From fistfullofvisas on Mon Mar 24 11:29PMmasch shud be banned... didier drogba is gay...
From dickky4004 on Tue Mar 25 12:46AMbennett sent mascherano off and not ferdinand as well because mascherano is shorter than bennett, while rio ferdinand is a monster to bennett. Perhaps he was itimidated, and man u were the home team, so he probably did it for himself, to please the home fans and to save himself from a monster
From ryanho0001 on Tue Mar 25 07:19AMass face
From vanziggy on Tue Mar 25 01:16PMThe Mascherano sending off was a clear example of RACISM. I mean, let's be honest here, Mascherano was only sent off and the FA will make an example out of him only because he's from Argentina. If he'd be english, he would get away with it, just like english players sucha Rooney, Cole and Terry who insult the ref in every single game always get away with it.If Mascherano is sent off only for asking the ref whatr happened, then Wayne Rooney should be serving a life sentence by now because I can't think of a single game where he doesn't tell the ref to f...k off at least 15 times! You can break a player's leg and put his career in jeopardy (Martin Taylor) and you'll only get banned 2 games. You're english, so it's okay. You can viciously insult a ref and get away with it (ferdinand, rooney, as.cole, terry etc), you're english so it's no problem. But if you are from Argentina, then you must be sent off for spitting on the floor and given a life sentence. It's pure english racism and hipocrisy.
From pvitton on Tue Mar 25 05:01PM
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