Transfer tinderbox
Wed Jul 16 09:01AM
If the 2008 Premier League summer transfer window was a party, it would be decidedly teenage.
While most of the clubs content themselves with coy glances and occasional hand-holding, only Spurs, Arsenal and Chelsea have taken anyone behind the bike sheds for some full on heavy petting, but none of them have come close to going all the way.
Portsmouth and Bolton have managed a couple of clumsy snogs each, posh kids Manchester United are indignantly swatting away the attentions of the tirelessly eager Spanish exchange student and West Brom are getting stick from pretty much everyone in sight for pulling a couple of mingers that no-one else would go anywhere near.
But with the window stretching before us like a row of spotty chess enthusiasts desperate for a dance, Early Doors can exclusively reveal the identity of the cupid we've all been waiting for.
It's Rafael Benitez.
The Liverpool manager clearly wants to sign Aston Villa captain Gareth Barry and can obviously afford him, but is stubbornly refusing to meet Villa's £18 million valuation, much as he stubbornly refuses to see that his goatee makes him look like a steretypically gregarious kebab shop owner.
Reds fans may bleat about the lack of money their club has compared to Chelsea and Manchester United, but they have spent only £30 million less than United over the past five seasons, and a club that splashed in the region of £40 million on Fernando Torres, Ryan Babel, Yossi Benayoun and Lucas Leiva last summer is hardly up against it.
And - as ED is shrewdly about to demonstrate - if the Barry deal goes ahead it could prove the catalyst for a chain reaction of big-money transfers in the Premier League.
With £18 million in the bank from the Barry sale, Villa boss Martin O'Neill will be able to land Blackburn wide boy David Bentley, prompting Chelsea winger Shaun Wright-Phillips to push through a move to Portsmouth so as not to let his England colleague steal a march on him on the international scene.
Chelsea aren't exactly short of a few bob, but the money they'll get from the Wright-Phillips transfer will enable Roman Abramovich to take Robinho off Real Madrid's hands and give new coach Big Phil Scolari yet another temperamental attacking midfielder to cram into his starting XI.
Frustrated by the Brazilian's incessant step-overs using up all the available time for deflected half-volleys from the edge of the penalty area, Frank Lampard will high-tail it to Internazionale, where former boss Jose Mourinho will give him a big cuddle and promise him that Inter's attacking football will revolve around the sole aim of setting up Lampard for scuffed long-rangers from wherever he happens to find himself on the pitch.
With Ronaldinho expected to complete his move from Barcelona to Milan at any moment, the Catalan club will use the cash to bring in Emmanuel Adebayor from Arsenal, thereby forcing the Gunners into the transfer market in search of a striker.
Alexander Hleb's likely Emirates exit will heap even further pressure on Arsene Wenger to bring in a big-name signing to appease the fans, and with any one of Roque Santa Cruz, Klaas-Jan Huntelaar and Andrei Arshavin set to arrive at the club, Spurs will be stung into action by the sight of their hated rivals splashing the cash in uncharacteristically wanton fashion, bringing Espanyol striker Luis Garcia to White Hart Lane and subsequently facilitating Dimitar Berbatov's transfer to Manchester United.
And with three and a half world class strikers in their squad (balsa-limbed Louis Saha being the half, obviously) United will realise that they don't really need Cristiano Ronaldo after all, and will ease him out of his shackles before plonking him on the first plane to Madrid, thereby bringing to a close the most exciting summer transfer window in living memory.
So if none of this happens, it is demonstrably and unequivocally Benitez's fault. You heard it here first.
- - -
Early Doors is sorry, but £48 million for Robinho? Forty-eight million pounds, for Robinho?
Zinedine Zidane, you may recall, cost £46 million, but Zidane won one World Cup, one European Championship, one European Cup, three league titles and three World Player of the Year Awards, single-handedly dragged a clearly past-it France side to the final of the last World Cup and played football of a beauty that made grown men weep.
The highlight of Robinho's career, by contrast, is probably still the seven stepovers 'n' penalty-winning dive combo he produced in a Brazilian championship decider while playing for Santos in 2002, and despite a thrilling burst of form at the beginning of last season he's yet to convince anyone that he's anything more than an indulgent tricks merchant with a cheeky grin and a commendable dedication to safe sex (he reportedly once asked a nightclub security man to bring him 40 condoms).
If Robinho is worth £48 million then Cristiano Ronaldo has to be worth about £70 million, and ED itself is probably worth somewhere around the £7.5 million mark, despite being a well-worn breakfast-time blog rather than an actual football player.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "Today's question: does Rob Wotton ever smile?" Sky Sports News presenter Mike Wedderburn after announcing the channel's presenting line-up for the morning, thereby providing a tantalising glimpse of the thinly disguised torrent of jealous hatred running through the dressing rooms at Sky Sports News HQ.
TALKING POINT: There were 586 comments on ED yesterday, 56 of which were actually about football and 12 of which contributed something worthwhile to the discussion, thanks largely to the shameless nerds who dominate the comments section every day with their stupendously self-interested twaddle.
Highlights from our laziest footballer ever topic, though, included chrisnewman950's verdict on Oliver Kahn, who "just used to stand there watching the game", while adschoey nominated Ray Wilkins for his commitment to sideways passing.
Today: Who is the most over-rated player in football history?
COMING UP: After a rest day yesterday those gristly-thighed, testicularly-discomfited cyclists from the Tour de France are back in action, and you can follow live coverage of their travails from 11:45 BST.
all of the english players are over rated
!!!!!!!!!!
From wvmajor on Wed Jul 16 12:50PMwithout question Beckham - loses out on every 50/50 ball, no pace, rough wife, the ability to take a free kick does not make a world class footballer. The fact he plays 'soccer' now says it all.
From hunnybunni_2000 on Wed Jul 16 12:51PMwhy are so many people saying pele was overrated? Didn't you see the overhead kick in Escape to Victory? Genius!
Ronaldhino is more overrated than pele ever was
From zeekzyzygy on Wed Jul 16 12:52PM"rough wife" might be the harshest comment of them all ~ well done.
anelka could win the double ~ laziest and over-rated, unless it goes to kicks, in which case, "he's not really that kind of striker" ~ he'd like a little walkabout first.
From jcpotvin on Wed Jul 16 12:56PMWalter Mitty was a character created by James Thurber, an American humourist who wrote for the New Yorker. Walter Mitty is a middle-aged man who lives in a heroic fantasy world and thus exasperates his wife. A newly discovered story by Thurber develops the Mitty character as a tragic football-loving (British soccer, that is) figure tormented by a demon in the form of pigdin English speaking chicken. The story ends abrubtly with Mitty's hands among others round the chicken's neck.
From james_ssmith on Wed Jul 16 12:57PMMust be Hleb, good dribbler, average at everything else,rarely scores, rarely assists, rarely will he be missed
From thereverendrossriverfever on Wed Jul 16 12:57PMWhy would Hleb want to go to Barca anyway? After all, it's even more cosmopolitan than London, and there's every chance that he'll continue to be playing with Adebayor... Fireworks on the horizon?
From g_hine on Wed Jul 16 01:00PMfrankky boy mcavennie!! 'where's the burds?!'
wot a legend
From marcgrant7 on Wed Jul 16 01:01PMwvmajor = idiot. joe cole overrated? by who exactly?
From sav46e on Wed Jul 16 01:02PMWelcome to the poultry farm. *sigh*
From jcverm on Wed Jul 16 01:10PMWho would have thought a football blog would be a good plays to pick up birds?
From tompuntcom on Wed Jul 16 01:12PMtompuntcom, You need spectacles, you're confusing c0cks for birds.
From g_hine on Wed Jul 16 01:14PMcharlie nicholas has to be the greatest waste of monry and time in the history of soccer
From adebowale.arogundade on Wed Jul 16 01:15PMCheers for the explanation James, I will gladly stop being a vegetarian for the day and lend a helping hand.
From garethcoletranslations on Wed Jul 16 01:21PMWell Mooochas, I thought if you're allowed to peddle the same tired old joke ad nauseum, there's no problem with me recycling a few.
From g_hine on Wed Jul 16 01:23PMmost over-rated player. What, you think there's just one????
jeez, where do you want me to start.
both Ronaldo and Christiano Ronaldo are very over-rated, people think old fat ronaldo can still cut it when he obviously can't.
C. Ronaldo scored a few last season but that was just good form, which is temporary, as opposed to the class of Ronaldinho or Pele (even though he's like 700 yrs old, he would still wipe the floor with John Terry), which is permanent.
Wayne Rooney would be a good player if he could stay on the pitch long enough but he's always injured or gettin sent off and suspended.
From gemini_ozzie on Wed Jul 16 01:26PMshes a minger jude_surf.look at her. u are too good for her. plus she called me ben and not turtle man. she will pay
From bencornelius23 on Wed Jul 16 01:27PMsuck on that!! I AM TURTLE MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
From bencornelius23 on Wed Jul 16 01:28PMoh dear ben jude knew all along!
From jay8my on Wed Jul 16 01:32PMJohn Terry is a bit of a carthorse even before he stuffed up that pen in Moscow!
From benmychree2003 on Wed Jul 16 01:33PMokay im a bit confused!!! Whats going on with people having these double acts???
From jay8my on Wed Jul 16 01:35PMbeat's me jay8my. can't work it out myself.
From benmychree2003 on Wed Jul 16 01:41PMdouble identity sucks
From zeekzyzygy on Wed Jul 16 01:43PMjude_surf sucks
From lifeisblu on Wed Jul 16 01:49PMCan we have some order on here - this is a football blog
From early_door on Wed Jul 16 01:50PMben.wha10 sucks big time, i hope he shows his face soon. little @#$%!
From jay8my on Wed Jul 16 01:50PMwat happened to bok bok?
From lifeisblu on Wed Jul 16 01:51PM"bok", "suck", "@#$%" - what has it to with the beautiful game?
From early_door on Wed Jul 16 01:53PMJaysus, Liverpool, Spurs and Arsenal are up @#$% creek by the sound of it. I'd love to see Barry come to pool but i'd prefer someone like Bentley....hell, why doesn't Rafa just stick with an 11 for long enough.
Most overrated footbaler: Ricardo Carvahlo!
From beerbaronirl on Wed Jul 16 01:54PMokay mr early_door frog lets talk about all the games that have gone on in the last week......tumble weed!
From jay8my on Wed Jul 16 01:56PM
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