Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

The right move for United?

Fri Jun 12 08:46AM

Ever since the yellow bar started scrolling across the bottom of the TV screen yesterday, Early Doors has been torn.

Half of it thinks Manchester United are mad to sell Cristiano Ronaldo, while the rest of it thinks they have done a brilliant piece of business.

Unable to resolve its internal conflicts, ED's brain has split into two separate entities, a bit like the 118 blokes.

The analytical left side of the brain thinks that it is rarely a good idea for a football team to sell their best player, while the creative right side thinks Ronaldo is an idiot.

ED put the two hemispheres in a room, locked the door and recorded their conversation.

- - -

Right brain: Well, what about this Ronaldo thing then?

Left brain: It's all happened so quickly. We've only had 23 hours to digest the news.

RB: That's the beauty of the blog format, though, isn't it? Instant analysis. Almost as soon as something happens you're reading some clot's views about it. ED must be one of the first to talk about this Ronaldo deal.

LB: Um... almost. Still, you must have had enough time to think up some hilarious quips?

RB: Not really. Hence this conversational style, a blatant rip-off of popular newspaper column Pass Notes. Anyway, let's get down to business. £80 million for a sulky, self-obsessed poser who didn't want to be at the club. Surely that's deal of the century for United?

LB: Are you kidding? Need I remind you he's the reigning Ballon d'Or and World Player of the Year, and two seasons ago scored 42 goals without even playing up front? This season just gone everyone agreed he was rubbish because he only weighed in with 26 goals. He's also one of the quickest, strongest and er, skilfulest players in the world.

RB: Enough with the numbers. Alex Ferguson's replaced great players in the past without any problem, hasn't he? Just look at David Beckham, Ruud van Nistelrooy and Roy Keane. They all left and United were fine.

LB: Who took over from Beckham on the right wing? Ronaldo. Who picked up the goalscoring slack when Van Nistelrooy left? Ronaldo. He even replaced Keane as United's most obvious hate figure. The man can do it all. Except replace himself.

RB: You seem to be forgetting United will have £80m in the bank to sign new players. Ribery, Benzema, Valencia - they could conceivably buy all three for that money. Or Newcastle United.

LB: You know what they can't get?

RB: What?

LB: Anyone as good as Ronaldo. Money's all very well, but there is not a player in the world who will be as effective as him for United. They might get a bit of squad depth but their first team will definitely be worse.

RB: It's not all about individual ability, though, is it? You can imagine a few members of the United dressing-room might not be sad to see him go. Seriously, what must he and Nemanja Vidic talk about? Sunbeds? Earrings? Paris Hilton?

LB: Eh?

RB: Paris Hilton. It's all over the papers. Ronaldo celebrated his move by hitting a Hollywood nightclub with the Hilton sisters.

LB: Give him a break. Just because he's famous he should be able to enjoy an evening out without people bothering him. It's not like either of them are the type to draw attention to themselves. I bet he was just having a quiet drink. Water probably.

RB: Not everyone's as straight-laced as you, lefty. If it was water, it was fizzy and came out of Cristal champagne bottles, and he consumed it while wearing a gold shirt and, according to The Sun's eyewitness, "sucking the face off" Paris Hilton (pictured-ish).

LB: Eeewww.

RB: Quite. It gets worse. "At one point Ronaldo had a bottle between his legs and Paris was stroking it. It was very racy."

LB: Look, I don't care if he's a fool. He's a great player and this deal is historic.

RB: Who told you that, Cristiano Ronaldo?

LB: What?

RB: That's exactly what Ronaldo said, with characteristic humility, I might add: "This deal is historic."

LB: Well, he's right. You can't criticise a man for telling the truth. Unless he's leaving an answer phone message for Andrew Sachs.

RB: Was he telling the truth when he kept saying he wanted to stay at United all of last season? Former Real president Ramon Calderon said the deal was done six months ago.

LB: Former Real Madrid president Ramon Calderon, recently deposed in humiliating circumstances? What possible reason would he have to try and take credit for signing Cristiano Ronaldo? Thanks all the same, but I'm going to give credit to Florentino Perez, who has also signed Luis Figo, Zinedine Zidane, Ronaldo, David Beckham and Kaka. Not the bloke to whom Sir Alex Ferguson said he would not sell a virus. What would that make Ronaldo, swine flu?

RB: You're not far off, judging by the reaction of most United fans. Former United man Paul Parker judged the general mood pretty well when he said: "£80m represents good business for United, who will be glad to get shot of a player who was increasingly becoming problematic."

LB: You're using Paul Parker as a barometer for the mood of all United fans? He hates all fancy dans. You should hear him go on about Didier Drogba. This is why you should steer clear of trying to use facts, you arty-farty latte-drinker.

RB: OK, well what about the lukewarm response of the Old Trafford crowd? They spent all season chanting for Carlos Tevez and Wayne Rooney, but hardly gave Ronaldo the time of day. Too much whingeing, preening and smashing up motorway tunnels with his Ferrari.

LB: Of course Ronaldo is a difficult character, but he's paid to play football, not be everybody's chum. He's an enigma. Like Eric Cantona.

RB: I can't believe you've even made that comparison. Cantona might have been prone to the odd kung-fu assault or supremely arrogant goal celebration, but the fans loved all that. He respected United and there was always a bond between him and the supporters.

LB: Alright, you don't have to get all worthy. So you're basically saying that in 10 years time we won't be going down the local multiplex to watch 'Looking for Cristiano'?

RB: Precisely. Well, not unless it's a documentary about Ronaldo going missing in the Champions League final.

LB: You couldn't let it lie, could you?

- - -

QUOTE OF THE DAY: "He's one of the most brilliant players in the world. I think people will be sad that he's lost to the game in England. I know Sir Alex well and he will be rebuilding the team. He will make them emerge in a new way, and probably make them even stronger in the long run." Well, when something is this important, you have to get a soundbite from the Prime Minister, haven't you?

FOREIGN VIEW: You know when earth-shattering events happen, and newspapers do a double-sized landscape front page to capture the enormity of it all? Well, today's Marca has gone all broadsheet to commemorate 'the signing of the century' There is also a self-congratulatory montage of all the paper's previous front pages pre-emptively (and incorrectly) 'announcing' the transfer.

COMING UP: Ronaldo, the aftermath: day two. More news, views and analysis, including the considered opinion of Jim White, which you won't want to miss. And while enormous events like the Ronaldo deal really put things like cricket and tennis into perspective, we'll be covering them as part of our commitment to minority sports.

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