Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Cure Cesc's impotence

Thu Jun 25 08:49AM

Impotence is no laughing matter.

It causes frustration, anger and confusion. It can erode self-esteem and break families apart, and men will go to enormous lengths to treat it.

But don't take ED's word for it. Listen to Cesc Fabregas, who has used the term to describe Arsenal.

For all their youthful vigour, it seems the Gunners lack staying power and Fabregas is considering a trip to Spain to find a remedy.

Fabregas lamented: "Cristiano (Ronaldo) said he's leaving Manchester United because he had nothing else to win. For me right now it is the exact opposite, seeing the impotence.

"This year we wanted it, we were giving everything - but we couldn't reach the level that everyone expected of Arsenal."

Not that Cesc is looking to cure his present club of their currently limp state. Instead he could ditch them altogether for a new, testosterone-soaked club that is so virile it gargles iron filings every morning and has to shave every half-hour.

A club that proves its manhood by blowing huge sums of money to land some of the most beautiful and desirable people in the world.

In fact, the price they paid for Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo makes Robert Redford's indecent proposal (a million dollars for one night) look like a bargain by comparison.

"Of course my family would understand if I signed for Real Madrid because they love me, they want me to be happy and what is best for me," said Fabregas.

"They'd support me - whichever club I joined. My family will always be there for me - whatever decision I make. "

To labour the rubbish metaphor still further, Arsenal's problem last season was not that they were shooting blanks; more that their defence needed, er, stiffening up.

Arsene Wenger will be praying newly-signed centre-back Thomas Vermaelen is the sporting equivalent of a little blue pill.

- - -

On the subject of base urges, ED got its hands on Her In Doors's copy of Heat yesterday and discovered an article claiming to list the '100 Sexiest Men Alive!'.

Among the assorted Brads, Zacs and, weirdly, Jeremy Clarkson, there was a smattering of footballers - although no place for WAG magnets Peter Crouch, Wayne Rooney and Ashley Cole.

Housewives' favourite Jamie Redknapp came in at 92, Cristiano Ronaldo was an inexplicable 31st and David Beckham maintained his heavyweight status in 12th.

But the one that really shocked ED was the bloke who kicked the list off in 100th place.

It was Yoann Gourcuff.

If you had asked ED to name the players that might be in a celeb mag's list of hotties, it would have suggested Luke Chadwick, Fabricio Coloccini and Peter Beardsley before it got round to Gourcuff.

Not because he isn't good-looking - those cheekbones are to die for - but because he is so obscure.

True, he is a French international and he spent two seasons making the odd appearance for Milan. In football circles, he is relatively well-known.

But for the romcom-watching, Pinot Grigio-slurping readers of Heat? What possible reason could they have to know about Yoann Gourcuff?

ED suspects the entire female gender have been playing their male counterparts for saps - and with a remarkable degree of success.

All this pretending not to like football, this professed interest in Grey's Anatomy and make-up, is just a front.

Girls are just as nerdily obsessed with the game as chaps, hence their detailed knowledge of the Bordeaux first team.

The letters pages of Now! and Grazia are filled with discussion about the relative merits of Craig Gordon and Marton Fulop, but until ED's discovery the male gender was just too stupid to find out.

It makes sense. Every time a so-called football widow is 'forced' to sit through some God-awful nil-all between Hull and Bolton, not only is she actually watching what she wants, she takes the moral high ground - and with it she seizes full Desperate Housewives privileges as payback.

ED suggests that men hit back by calling the women's bluff. Pretend not to care about football.

Don't talk about it, don't read about it, don't watch it. Then we'll see how quickly the women crack.

The first time ED catches Her In Doors surreptitiously clasping a transistor radio to her ear to listen to some boggle-eyed rant by Alan Green, it will know the battle of the sexes has been won.

- - -

QUOTE OF THE DAY: Robinho, when asked what music Kaka likes: "Kaka? Music? He will only listen to the Backstreet Boys!"

FOREIGN VIEW: Paolo Futre has told Marca that Cristiano Ronaldo is on the hunt for a girlfriend in Madrid: "I don't know whether he will play better when he is in love, but at least it will bring some stability."

COMING UP: This Confederations Cup has actually turned out to be pretty good, hasn't it? The second semi-final is Brazil v South Africa and you can follow it LIVE from 19:30 UK time.

Comments1 - 30 of 236
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Just because I can
From johnnywilkinson on Thu Jun 25 08:50AM
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Gillian, your abusive behaviour has been reported
From johnnywilkinson on Thu Jun 25 08:53AM
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No Comment on Spain last night? I thought it was hilarious.
From mwstraight on Thu Jun 25 08:56AM
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Let me get this straight. A failed no hoper wannabe businessman who spends his days spamming Yahoo comments sections with advertising for a site which is clearly a complete ripoff and gets no visitors thinks someone else needs to get out more? Bless.
I had more respect for you when I assumed you were a bot.
From johnnywilkinson on Thu Jun 25 09:03AM
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Howay the USA! That was an impressive win, but also unlucky for Spain. I certainly wish them well in future tournaments as they are a real class team.
From christhefuzzy on Thu Jun 25 09:05AM
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ED, take a bow, you have outdone yourself today. One just hopes that the Arsenal team can 'stand up' for itself this year
From joker_of_the_deck on Thu Jun 25 09:19AM
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a team full of spanish superstars gets beat by the usa rather convincingly...says alot about arsenal and the scouse...halfwits, half hearted and generally limp!
From stuartxland on Thu Jun 25 09:21AM
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yes and none more impotant than himself last year stupid boy needs to keep his gob shut!!!
From epc4umidlands on Thu Jun 25 09:25AM
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with th egreatrest respect gillain (if that is your name) i can't quite see what promting a website has to do with commenting on this particular sports topic
I am pretty sure that yahoo have something in their t's and c's about commercial website promition
From carmel_andrews on Thu Jun 25 09:30AM
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Was good to see the USA crotch shot the Spaniards and deliver an upset. And on topic of impotence I only noticed Cesc when he was getting subbed off.
I'm not sure whether I want South Africa to win tonight, not seeing them overcome Brazil, but either way there's another game with some potential drama.
From mwstraight on Thu Jun 25 09:30AM
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#8 - If johnny "don't know nothing", the implication therefore is that he must know something. Go to Google, and type the question "What is a double-negative?" Once you start learning things like that, you can go get a proper job, in an office of all places, with real people. Better that, than replying to roadside adverts for "Earn £ £ £ £ While Working From Home".
From isanyoneelseboredyet on Thu Jun 25 09:34AM
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great article. now if we could only kill paul parker....
From iiclisoy on Thu Jun 25 09:35AM
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Yoann Gourcuff plays for Bordeaux and is the face of Blue Nun wine (Posh Spice's alleged favourite tipple) - that's why Heat readers know him.
From felixlowe on Thu Jun 25 09:42AM
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Wow must be a slow day if you have to read the girly mags to make up 1/2 of the article you could have ripped the piss out of Spain or done statistics on Englands under 21's but no ED has proved without a shadow of a doubt that they aspire to be OK or Hello writers - grow some you big girls
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 09:45AM
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WOW spammer can talk
From marcus_norfolk on Thu Jun 25 09:45AM
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16-Now thats the kind of research that makes sense/nonsense of the above story!!
From andy_lycett on Thu Jun 25 09:48AM
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Had to log in if only to take the micky out of gillianhood17 trying to take the highground on pasting the garbage that was pasted!! defending it is so funny.
Johnnywilkinson... I like that fact that you dont need to repond to its (as in gillianhood17 is an "it"0) come back, but allow me!.
I hope everyone else starts clicking on the "reporting abuse" when they see it on comment number 2.
Sad gIT.
From gparratt on Thu Jun 25 09:49AM
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I find this article morally bankrupt. ED should be ashamed of itself for making such morally reprehensible allusions to Arsenal - of all teams in the EPL!!! Take a Religious Education class ED!!!!!!!!
From spiritdotcom on Thu Jun 25 09:54AM
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johnny loving the "banter" with the spammer. Sounds like a chellenge for ED's investigative powers:
Is Gillian's offer the real deal or a rip off?
I am sure they can link it into a comment on rip off transfers or something and maybe get a free PS3 while they're at it!
From dozey_gsy on Thu Jun 25 09:54AM
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Interactive spammers rock
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 09:56AM
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I take it no-one on here has actually won a PS3 from one of these sites - Gillian how many free PS3's do you actually give out per day?
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 09:58AM
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Live and let live boys and girls, scroll past and have a longer less stressful life.
From andy_lycett on Thu Jun 25 09:59AM
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Hey! Gourcuff is indeed the HOTTEST footballer! If not the hottest man!! Don't underestimate women. We do check out men as much as you guys check out women. We just don't discuss it with you lol
From chicabona on Thu Jun 25 09:59AM
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21-How can an inanimate object be morally bankrupt??
From andy_lycett on Thu Jun 25 10:00AM
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Can they really make this article stand up??
From andy_lycett on Thu Jun 25 10:05AM
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This article doesn't make you snap to attention does it?
From andy_lycett on Thu Jun 25 10:06AM
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Did you win last night Andy did the other girls turn up
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 10:06AM
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Is this article a bit one eyed??
From andy_lycett on Thu Jun 25 10:06AM
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Annie, now that ED are finally onto you what you gonna do? Are ED's days numbered? Or do you start playing the dumb girl, support Man Utd and giggle over 'hot' players. Like chicabona?
From danny_saks on Thu Jun 25 10:07AM
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If he's Impotent just get some of them little blue pills, should sort him out you would be able to hang your hat off it.
From donkeysbeck0 on Thu Jun 25 10:10AM
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