Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Cure Cesc's impotence

Thu Jun 25 08:49AM

Impotence is no laughing matter.

It causes frustration, anger and confusion. It can erode self-esteem and break families apart, and men will go to enormous lengths to treat it.

But don't take ED's word for it. Listen to Cesc Fabregas, who has used the term to describe Arsenal.

For all their youthful vigour, it seems the Gunners lack staying power and Fabregas is considering a trip to Spain to find a remedy.

Fabregas lamented: "Cristiano (Ronaldo) said he's leaving Manchester United because he had nothing else to win. For me right now it is the exact opposite, seeing the impotence.

"This year we wanted it, we were giving everything - but we couldn't reach the level that everyone expected of Arsenal."

Not that Cesc is looking to cure his present club of their currently limp state. Instead he could ditch them altogether for a new, testosterone-soaked club that is so virile it gargles iron filings every morning and has to shave every half-hour.

A club that proves its manhood by blowing huge sums of money to land some of the most beautiful and desirable people in the world.

In fact, the price they paid for Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo makes Robert Redford's indecent proposal (a million dollars for one night) look like a bargain by comparison.

"Of course my family would understand if I signed for Real Madrid because they love me, they want me to be happy and what is best for me," said Fabregas.

"They'd support me - whichever club I joined. My family will always be there for me - whatever decision I make. "

To labour the rubbish metaphor still further, Arsenal's problem last season was not that they were shooting blanks; more that their defence needed, er, stiffening up.

Arsene Wenger will be praying newly-signed centre-back Thomas Vermaelen is the sporting equivalent of a little blue pill.

- - -

On the subject of base urges, ED got its hands on Her In Doors's copy of Heat yesterday and discovered an article claiming to list the '100 Sexiest Men Alive!'.

Among the assorted Brads, Zacs and, weirdly, Jeremy Clarkson, there was a smattering of footballers - although no place for WAG magnets Peter Crouch, Wayne Rooney and Ashley Cole.

Housewives' favourite Jamie Redknapp came in at 92, Cristiano Ronaldo was an inexplicable 31st and David Beckham maintained his heavyweight status in 12th.

But the one that really shocked ED was the bloke who kicked the list off in 100th place.

It was Yoann Gourcuff.

If you had asked ED to name the players that might be in a celeb mag's list of hotties, it would have suggested Luke Chadwick, Fabricio Coloccini and Peter Beardsley before it got round to Gourcuff.

Not because he isn't good-looking - those cheekbones are to die for - but because he is so obscure.

True, he is a French international and he spent two seasons making the odd appearance for Milan. In football circles, he is relatively well-known.

But for the romcom-watching, Pinot Grigio-slurping readers of Heat? What possible reason could they have to know about Yoann Gourcuff?

ED suspects the entire female gender have been playing their male counterparts for saps - and with a remarkable degree of success.

All this pretending not to like football, this professed interest in Grey's Anatomy and make-up, is just a front.

Girls are just as nerdily obsessed with the game as chaps, hence their detailed knowledge of the Bordeaux first team.

The letters pages of Now! and Grazia are filled with discussion about the relative merits of Craig Gordon and Marton Fulop, but until ED's discovery the male gender was just too stupid to find out.

It makes sense. Every time a so-called football widow is 'forced' to sit through some God-awful nil-all between Hull and Bolton, not only is she actually watching what she wants, she takes the moral high ground - and with it she seizes full Desperate Housewives privileges as payback.

ED suggests that men hit back by calling the women's bluff. Pretend not to care about football.

Don't talk about it, don't read about it, don't watch it. Then we'll see how quickly the women crack.

The first time ED catches Her In Doors surreptitiously clasping a transistor radio to her ear to listen to some boggle-eyed rant by Alan Green, it will know the battle of the sexes has been won.

- - -

QUOTE OF THE DAY: Robinho, when asked what music Kaka likes: "Kaka? Music? He will only listen to the Backstreet Boys!"

FOREIGN VIEW: Paolo Futre has told Marca that Cristiano Ronaldo is on the hunt for a girlfriend in Madrid: "I don't know whether he will play better when he is in love, but at least it will bring some stability."

COMING UP: This Confederations Cup has actually turned out to be pretty good, hasn't it? The second semi-final is Brazil v South Africa and you can follow it LIVE from 19:30 UK time.

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