Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Cure Cesc's impotence

Thu Jun 25 08:49AM

Impotence is no laughing matter.

It causes frustration, anger and confusion. It can erode self-esteem and break families apart, and men will go to enormous lengths to treat it.

But don't take ED's word for it. Listen to Cesc Fabregas, who has used the term to describe Arsenal.

For all their youthful vigour, it seems the Gunners lack staying power and Fabregas is considering a trip to Spain to find a remedy.

Fabregas lamented: "Cristiano (Ronaldo) said he's leaving Manchester United because he had nothing else to win. For me right now it is the exact opposite, seeing the impotence.

"This year we wanted it, we were giving everything - but we couldn't reach the level that everyone expected of Arsenal."

Not that Cesc is looking to cure his present club of their currently limp state. Instead he could ditch them altogether for a new, testosterone-soaked club that is so virile it gargles iron filings every morning and has to shave every half-hour.

A club that proves its manhood by blowing huge sums of money to land some of the most beautiful and desirable people in the world.

In fact, the price they paid for Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo makes Robert Redford's indecent proposal (a million dollars for one night) look like a bargain by comparison.

"Of course my family would understand if I signed for Real Madrid because they love me, they want me to be happy and what is best for me," said Fabregas.

"They'd support me - whichever club I joined. My family will always be there for me - whatever decision I make. "

To labour the rubbish metaphor still further, Arsenal's problem last season was not that they were shooting blanks; more that their defence needed, er, stiffening up.

Arsene Wenger will be praying newly-signed centre-back Thomas Vermaelen is the sporting equivalent of a little blue pill.

- - -

On the subject of base urges, ED got its hands on Her In Doors's copy of Heat yesterday and discovered an article claiming to list the '100 Sexiest Men Alive!'.

Among the assorted Brads, Zacs and, weirdly, Jeremy Clarkson, there was a smattering of footballers - although no place for WAG magnets Peter Crouch, Wayne Rooney and Ashley Cole.

Housewives' favourite Jamie Redknapp came in at 92, Cristiano Ronaldo was an inexplicable 31st and David Beckham maintained his heavyweight status in 12th.

But the one that really shocked ED was the bloke who kicked the list off in 100th place.

It was Yoann Gourcuff.

If you had asked ED to name the players that might be in a celeb mag's list of hotties, it would have suggested Luke Chadwick, Fabricio Coloccini and Peter Beardsley before it got round to Gourcuff.

Not because he isn't good-looking - those cheekbones are to die for - but because he is so obscure.

True, he is a French international and he spent two seasons making the odd appearance for Milan. In football circles, he is relatively well-known.

But for the romcom-watching, Pinot Grigio-slurping readers of Heat? What possible reason could they have to know about Yoann Gourcuff?

ED suspects the entire female gender have been playing their male counterparts for saps - and with a remarkable degree of success.

All this pretending not to like football, this professed interest in Grey's Anatomy and make-up, is just a front.

Girls are just as nerdily obsessed with the game as chaps, hence their detailed knowledge of the Bordeaux first team.

The letters pages of Now! and Grazia are filled with discussion about the relative merits of Craig Gordon and Marton Fulop, but until ED's discovery the male gender was just too stupid to find out.

It makes sense. Every time a so-called football widow is 'forced' to sit through some God-awful nil-all between Hull and Bolton, not only is she actually watching what she wants, she takes the moral high ground - and with it she seizes full Desperate Housewives privileges as payback.

ED suggests that men hit back by calling the women's bluff. Pretend not to care about football.

Don't talk about it, don't read about it, don't watch it. Then we'll see how quickly the women crack.

The first time ED catches Her In Doors surreptitiously clasping a transistor radio to her ear to listen to some boggle-eyed rant by Alan Green, it will know the battle of the sexes has been won.

- - -

QUOTE OF THE DAY: Robinho, when asked what music Kaka likes: "Kaka? Music? He will only listen to the Backstreet Boys!"

FOREIGN VIEW: Paolo Futre has told Marca that Cristiano Ronaldo is on the hunt for a girlfriend in Madrid: "I don't know whether he will play better when he is in love, but at least it will bring some stability."

COMING UP: This Confederations Cup has actually turned out to be pretty good, hasn't it? The second semi-final is Brazil v South Africa and you can follow it LIVE from 19:30 UK time.

Comments61 - 90 of 234
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Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 11:23AM
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What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 11:24AM
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Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 11:24AM
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How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 11:24AM
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Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 11:25AM
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Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 11:25AM
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Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 11:26AM
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This spammin' malarkey is clearly time consuming. Methinks that the lady doth have feminine issues.
Change of subject. We've done 80's films, we've done 80's music. How about 80's TV shows? It was Andy's "Why Don't You" that got me thinking.
My vote goes for "The Red Hand Gang".
From edgar_friendly on Thu Jun 25 11:27AM
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How to make Blueberry muffins (sterotypical woman way)
Heat the oven to 375 degrees F.
Step 2Generously butter a standard 2 1/2-inch muffin tin or line it with paper liners.
Step 3 Sift the dry ingredients into a bowl, stir together and form a well in the center.
Step 4 Beat the egg and milk together in another bowl, then beat in the butter.
Step 5 Pour the wet ingredients and the blueberries into the flour and stir the mixture together slowly only until everything is combined. The mixture should still be lumpy, not smooth.
Step 6Divide batter between muffin cups, filling each one about 3/4 full.
Step 7Bake about 20 minutes or until the tops turn golden.
Step 8Let the muffins cool in the tins about 5 minutes, then remove them to a rack to finish cooling.
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 11:29AM
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Annie, who rattled your cage?
Why can't we all just get along?
From edgar_friendly on Thu Jun 25 11:29AM
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Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 11:32AM
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Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 11:32AM
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Oh dear Edgar's a noob LMAO!!!
From edgar_friendly on Thu Jun 25 11:33AM
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What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 11:33AM
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How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 11:34AM
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What's the difference between women and toilets?
Toilets don't follow you around after you have used them.
What is the useless piece of skin on the end of a penis called?
A man.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
You should have done what he said the first time.
From chili_palmer1 on Thu Jun 25 11:35AM
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gillianhood17 - i usually dont get involved but this is interesting - you offering (spamming) your product or service to your customers who you call losers, is that right? then having a loser product, who is the bigger loser mate? and your yawning; wishing a good day and scorning is meaning that you will never turn up here again? which is what we would like. not certain about your massive wages there, but anyway - stay cool & keep rocking - you always get a thumbs down from me ;)
From steinbachmartin on Thu Jun 25 11:36AM
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Sounds like the Arse-enal dont like it up them on the pitch, they should concentrate on stroking the balls instead of hitting them so hard. Also if your playing against ugly players like Tezev or Gary Neville It easy to see how you can loose focus on the job in hand. Just close your eyes and think of Ron and co in Madrid.
From copper.carl on Thu Jun 25 11:36AM
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Gillian go bang one off
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 11:41AM
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100!!
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 11:41AM
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100!!
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 11:41AM
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if i was fab i pick barca than real...1.becuz that is his own city and he is one of barca fans as well 2.cuz barca had more chance to win a cup than real...not so long time ago when any team past after champs league group stage they all avoid to meet RM but now most of team rather to take RM than Barca..as next stage rival
From luffylennon on Thu Jun 25 11:43AM
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101?
From bobo.spamble on Thu Jun 25 11:43AM
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f.eck sake luffy!
fabregas wudnt take the place or xavi or iniesta anyways
From bobo.spamble on Thu Jun 25 11:46AM
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LMFAO BOB SU.CKS AT THE TITLE CHALLENGES!!!
From jude.surf_10 on Thu Jun 25 11:47AM
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As I suspected, Arsenal start the season fast and suddenly about a third of the way through (no, not after 15 seconds, Annie) they lose interest.
What tyey ned is some really dirty talk!!!
From james_ssmith on Thu Jun 25 11:48AM
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I am having a manual skills dysfunction. Why can't I type fast any more?
From james_ssmith on Thu Jun 25 11:49AM
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yaboo must be making money from these spammers, why else are they never deleted? We used to be able to down rate the @#$%, but now they've removed that facility here!
If Cesc goes, the goners will be just that, adios amigos....
From twomjc on Thu Jun 25 11:49AM
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Bit miffed by Cesc. Is he implying he wasn't part of the collective responsibility for Artsenal not winning anything?
From james_ssmith on Thu Jun 25 11:50AM
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Wuhoooo go me I beat cheating Bobo CC and Gillian GFHS and Luffy what the f'uck sorta name is luffy???? And the Suckmiester Judy Cream Pie wuhooooooo
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 11:53AM
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