Cure Cesc's impotence
Thu Jun 25 08:49AM
Impotence is no laughing matter.
It causes frustration, anger and confusion. It can erode self-esteem and break families apart, and men will go to enormous lengths to treat it.
But don't take ED's word for it. Listen to Cesc Fabregas, who has used the term to describe Arsenal.
For all their youthful vigour, it seems the Gunners lack staying power and Fabregas is considering a trip to Spain to find a remedy.
Fabregas lamented: "Cristiano (Ronaldo) said he's leaving Manchester United because he had nothing else to win. For me right now it is the exact opposite, seeing the impotence.
"This year we wanted it, we were giving everything - but we couldn't reach the level that everyone expected of Arsenal."
Not that Cesc is looking to cure his present club of their currently limp state. Instead he could ditch them altogether for a new, testosterone-soaked club that is so virile it gargles iron filings every morning and has to shave every half-hour.
A club that proves its manhood by blowing huge sums of money to land some of the most beautiful and desirable people in the world.
In fact, the price they paid for Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo
makes Robert Redford's indecent
proposal (a million dollars for one night) look like a bargain by comparison.
"Of course my family would understand if I signed for Real Madrid because they love me, they want me to be happy and what is best for me," said Fabregas.
"They'd support me - whichever club I joined. My family will always be there for me - whatever decision I make. "
To labour the rubbish metaphor still further, Arsenal's problem last season was not that they were shooting blanks; more that their defence needed, er, stiffening up.
Arsene Wenger will be praying newly-signed centre-back Thomas Vermaelen is the sporting equivalent of a little blue pill.
- - -
On the subject of base urges, ED got its hands on Her In Doors's copy of Heat yesterday and discovered an article claiming to list the '100 Sexiest Men Alive!'.
Among the assorted Brads, Zacs and, weirdly, Jeremy Clarkson, there was a smattering of footballers - although no place for WAG magnets Peter Crouch, Wayne Rooney and Ashley Cole.
Housewives' favourite Jamie Redknapp came in at 92, Cristiano Ronaldo was an inexplicable 31st and David Beckham maintained his heavyweight status in 12th.
But the one that really shocked ED was the bloke who kicked the list off in 100th place.
It was Yoann Gourcuff.
If you had asked ED to name the players that might be in a celeb mag's list of hotties, it would have suggested Luke Chadwick, Fabricio Coloccini and Peter Beardsley before it got round to Gourcuff.
Not because he isn't good-looking - those cheekbones are to die for - but because he is so obscure.
True, he is a French international and he spent two seasons making the odd appearance for Milan. In football circles, he is relatively well-known.
But for the romcom-watching, Pinot Grigio-slurping readers of Heat? What possible reason could they have to know about Yoann Gourcuff?
ED suspects the entire female gender have been playing their male counterparts for saps - and with a remarkable degree of success.
All this pretending not to like football, this professed interest in Grey's Anatomy and make-up, is just a front.
Girls are just as nerdily obsessed with the game as chaps, hence their detailed knowledge of the Bordeaux first team.
The letters pages of Now! and Grazia are filled with discussion about the relative merits of Craig Gordon and Marton Fulop, but until ED's discovery the male gender was just too stupid to find out.
It makes sense. Every time a so-called football widow is 'forced' to sit through some God-awful nil-all between Hull and Bolton, not only is she actually watching what she wants, she takes the moral high ground - and with it she seizes full Desperate Housewives privileges as payback.
ED suggests that men hit back by calling the women's bluff. Pretend not to care about football.
Don't talk about it, don't read about it, don't watch it. Then we'll see how quickly the women crack.
The first time ED catches Her In Doors surreptitiously clasping a transistor radio to her ear to listen to some boggle-eyed rant by Alan Green, it will know the battle of the sexes has been won.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: Robinho, when asked what music Kaka likes:
"Kaka? Music? He will only listen to the Backstreet Boys!"
FOREIGN VIEW: Paolo Futre has told Marca that Cristiano Ronaldo is on the hunt for a girlfriend in Madrid: "I don't know whether he will play better when he is in love, but at least it will bring some stability."
COMING UP: This Confederations Cup has actually turned out to be pretty good, hasn't it? The second semi-final is Brazil v South Africa and you can follow it LIVE from 19:30 UK time.
Coz you're getting too old James, how's my special girl doing?
From jude.surf_10 on Thu Jun 25 11:55AMGot to go. Have a nice weekend everybody.
From james_ssmith on Thu Jun 25 11:55AMI just wonder whether the Early Doors writer realized the the ED is also an acronym for Erectile Dysfunction, a.k.a IMPOTENCE. Ironically, IMPOTENT" has been the the recent hallmark of this column recently!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. I do wonder the last time he made any sort of "penetrative" comment!!.
The guy in sunny scuny.
From nucheobu on Thu Jun 25 11:56AMAnnie you can't even spell Suckmeister so shut it!
From jude.surf_10 on Thu Jun 25 11:58AMArsenal fans wake up and smell the coffee. These guys just make all this @#$% up. It’s the transfer window, they haven’t got much football stories so they just wana print anything. You actually have to listen to the interview yourself before you believe them. For the record I really don’t care if Cesc leaves, cos I have lost a lot of faith with footballers of nowadays. But I certainly don’t trust newspapers and sites either. They just want to sell their papers and fill their sites with traffic. So Cesc will have my support till the day I see it on arsenal’s website that he is no longer our player
From toksonice on Thu Jun 25 12:02PMAwww Kylie Cream Bun stop crying you big girl
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 12:02PMI've been cloned!!!!!!!!
From edgar_friendly on Thu Jun 25 12:03PMJudy bye bye bye bye Baby Bell @#$%
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 12:08PMbugger it doesnt like K nob
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 12:09PMnucheobu you're sooo original, NOT!
From jude.surf_10 on Thu Jun 25 12:11PMedgar_friendly welcome to our world I have 2 and they are both lovely
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 12:12PM118 unlike you Annie?
From jude.surf_10 on Thu Jun 25 12:12PM121 oooooooooooh like that is it I could go all indignant on your @#$% but f'uck it yes yes I do
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 12:16PMAnnie, Dean Ashton and Beattie in the same team!! Greggs shares will go thru the roof!!
From andy_lycett on Thu Jun 25 12:19PMLMAO Andy that was the old Beattie he is now in the 6 pack crowd
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 12:24PMIll have 6 packs of Wosits and a Cornish Pasty to go with my Ham and Cheese Pannini - Mr Greggs
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 12:25PMBreaking news Fergie seen in the streets of Mancherster with his new signings. 1. Johny Walker, 2.Jack Daniels,3 Glen Fiddich. Mr Taragt was unavailable to comment from the Gutter side press conference, but has announced his new spokesman Paul Gasgoigne will be doing future interviews as he is more coherent.
From copper.carl on Thu Jun 25 12:28PM125-bum bum tschhhh
From andy_lycett on Thu Jun 25 12:30PM126-Look at all the trophies he has won, imagine how many if he had been sober!! hehe
From andy_lycett on Thu Jun 25 12:33PM83-Double Deckers or Banana Splits for me Stevie!
From andy_lycett on Thu Jun 25 12:52PM129-Just wikied them both, 70s, Oh my god just shoot me now!!!!
From andy_lycett on Thu Jun 25 12:58PMWhat does ED stand for again?
From ekhty on Thu Jun 25 01:10PMED, your article about CESC and Arsenal is morally WRONG, incompetent and unprofessional. You seem to have an agenda with Arsenal and its not sportsmanship.You simply hate Arsenal like they are operating in another country ...shame on you. Why you always talk against Arsenal is poor judgement. We want to hear the same about your team Man u.Arsenal is a thorn in your heart and I enjoy it.
From mapsnyika on Thu Jun 25 01:11PMUSA beat Spain , yet no one throught this impossible act acheived by the USA was even worthy of a mention. ha ha ha I hope Sergio Ramos has nightmares , he produced an absolute howler to gift USA the 2nd goal.
From csinclair366 on Thu Jun 25 01:15PMtoo much to chose from:
Hill street Blues
Fall Guy - age dependant!
Magnum - age dependant
Police Squad
Boys from the black stuff
Cagney & Lacey
Knight Rider - age dependant
The young ones
He-Man
Dukes of Hazzard
A-team
Taggart - "Theres bin a Muhrduh suh!
Airwolf
Spitting Image
Miami Vice
The Cosby Show
Londons Burning
Morse
Red Dwarf
Roseanne
Whose Line is it anyway
The simpsons
And of course where would you be without being able to ask for a "P" please bob!
From doobie.doobiedoo on Thu Jun 25 01:16PMmapsnyika post number 132 Arsenal are a threat to no one after there limp d.ick season
From csinclair366 on Thu Jun 25 01:17PM132- You seem to have confused Early Doors with serious, reputable news columnists. "You seem to hate Arsenal like they are in operating in another country" - Wait, so it's instilled hatred bordering on xenophobia? Didn't Arsenal lose their French-ness when they sold Henry and Viera? So I suppose it doesn't really apply.
135 is right, Arsenal aren't a threat providing they' keep bentner firing blanks.
Aside, isn't wimbledon duller without Sharapova? At least Hantuchova's still there to make the ladies tournament still worth watching.
From mwstraight on Thu Jun 25 01:32PMDoubt it!
From jay8my on Thu Jun 25 01:37PMDouble Doubt it!
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 01:45PMWhat are your top 5 women and your reasons for it?
From annieh97 on Thu Jun 25 01:50PM
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