The hard graft starts here
Mon Jul 06 08:29AM
Today marks the start of pre-season training for the Premier League's brave football aces.
Having spent just six weeks messing around on the golf course or getting bored on a beach with their Page 3 WAGs, it is time for our fittest and finest to put their perfectly-bronzed noses back to the grindstone.
For those teams lucky enough not to be involved in the chore of European qualifying or Community Shield, the season starts on August 15.
And they can expect a pretty tough workout between now and then - as our sample pre-season schedule will show you.
The Premier League player's pre-season training schedule
Day 1: Meet new gaffer and team-mates. Spend day jostling for decent peg in dressing room away from volatile midfield enforcer.
Day 2: Cross-country run in surrounding countryside - half-way through, collapse from exhaustion and call agent for a lift back to the training ground gates.
Day 3: Sprint through an obstacle course of randomly distributed cones.
Day 4: Sprint through an obstacle course of randomly distributed tyres.
Day 5: Call in sick. Getting rhinoceros-sized plasma TV delivered.
Day 6: Sprint through an obstacle course of randomly distributed mini hurdles.
Day 7: Get speeding ticket after being snapped driving 83mph in 30mph zone on way home from training. Hastily establish penalty points-swapping system with fellow reckless drivers.
Day 8: Venture into weights room to build core strength.
Days 9-13: Undergo physio treatment on strained pectoral muscle following catastrophic attempt to bench press youth-teamer.
Day 14: Stand in a tight circle and ping inaccurate first-time passes around until somebody misses the ball and has to go and fetch it.
Day 15: Headers and volleys over a tennis net.
Day 16: Well-earned day off. Get pictured falling out of Essex nightclub.
Day 17: Stay indoors nursing head, emerging only to punch paparazzo on doorstep.
Days 18-22: Training camp/golf and booze binge in sun-kissed Mediterranean resort.
Day 23: Fist-fight with ageing Irish winger on flight home.
Day 24: Appear for reserve XI in arduous away-day at Hampton & Richmond Borough. Lose 3-1.
Day 25: Tactical training. Sit in darkened room watching videos of last season's woeful performances, smirking at assorted clangers and texting mates.
Day 26: Appear at charity function, get drunk with Fiona Phillips and Ainsley Harriott. Make inappropriate suggestive remark to Duchess of Kent.
Days 27: Half-heartedly travel to Switzerland for mini-tournament against Sturm Graz, Young Boys Bern and Skoda Xanthi.
Days 28-32: Play 34 minutes in three cameo appearances and return home completely lacking in fitness and form, but secure in the knowledge there is no chance of dislodging first-choice left-back from team.
Day 33: Some of the lads call early on the way to an optional training session. No chance - a season of kicking back and picking up 30 grand a week awaits.
Day 34: Accidentally fly into late challenge and rupture first-choice left-back's cruciate knee ligament.
Day 35: Manager tells transfer kitty is empty and the idiot who crocked his best player on the training ground will be first-choice for the entire season.
Day 36: Decide some last-minute fitness work is in order. Go into gym armed with cassette of Eye of the Tiger and a skipping rope.
Days 37-39: Undergo treatment on ankle tweaked three minutes into skipping session.
Day 40: Reluctantly come through fitness test and get named in team for fixture away to Arsenal.
Day 41: Go into opening day massively undercooked. Get repeatedly rinsed by that little sod Walcott. Lose 3-0, get ridiculed by Adrian Chiles and Lee Dixon. Wish the game had been on Setanta.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: Petr Cech does nothing (and something) to dampen those JT-to-Manchester City rumours: "Sometime people want to have a new challenge. They want to go on to different adventures, you never know. It comes from the personality. It has also been the case JT has always wanted to stay at Chelsea - it's in his heart."
FOREIGN VIEW: Brazil striker Nilmar gave an indication just why Manchester United are keen on acquiring his services with a brace as Internacional went top of the Brazilian championship with a 2-0 win over Nautico. Meanwhile championships were decided in both Bolivia (winners: Bolivar) and Paraguay (Cerro Porteno) over the weekend.
COMING UP: As usual, we'll have all the latest transfer gossip with our transfer ticker, plus we've got extensive coverage of the day's Tour de France stage, which starts in Eric Cantona's home town of Marseille.
I thought JT was Chelski to the death ? haha, all these mega transfers of the fat over 25's end up as sad expensive stories on the bench, look at Michael Owen
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 06 10:06AMYeah Danny i suppose. I saw Redknapp had a moan about the wages they're offering. Apparently he tried to sign Barry and Santa Cruz but spurs were way off when it come to wages. I think every1 needs to wait for Man City to buy who they want then start recruiting after as City just double what any other team are offering. Plus as soon as a team know City are in for their player they double the price.
From jay8my on Mon Jul 06 10:09AM#28 £40m is a complete waste on a mockney who's Mum needs to steal Dog Food
We agree on something but lot's not make it a habit
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 06 10:09AMCall in sick. Getting rhinoceros-sized plasma TV delivered. LOL
From kaggwa2000 on Mon Jul 06 10:11AMyawn...another four minutes of every readers life wasted...
From stuartxland on Mon Jul 06 10:12AMArt I agree, lets not make this a habit. Hows those east London Jellied eels tasting?? Old boy Ze Ballack was watching the Wimbledon final yesterday afternoon. I thought he would have been in negotiations with Zola by now.
From jay8my on Mon Jul 06 10:21AM#25, todays article is about as funny as a burning orphanage, you must be easily amused.
From reynoldsj_2000 on Mon Jul 06 10:22AMManager confirms JT is Chelski forever and has no price, makes me think JT is making his way to Eastlands for an afternoon medical already
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 06 10:26AM32-My baldiness was becoming offensive to some of our viewers on Friday!
From andy_lycett on Mon Jul 06 10:27AMArt #41 Why dont City just go for the cheaper option of buying JT Co-England Central defender Matthew Upson. Im sure he'll do the job at Man City......if he doesn't get injured.
From jay8my on Mon Jul 06 10:29AMComment 29, spot on.
From tfnholt on Mon Jul 06 10:30AMLets hope Ballack signs on for WHUFC before he misses the boat
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 06 10:31AMandy_lycett = jongros
First he dress like him,
Next he'll think like him,
Then finally it's "Annie run for your life"
From all.knowing_eye on Mon Jul 06 10:32AMWhat? No mention of Federer - Roddick???
From kohtohyong on Mon Jul 06 10:33AMwhat happened to ED today?article very uninspiring,lucked humour and dull.worst ever!!!
From sley.isaac on Mon Jul 06 10:44AMOh, oh
Evacuate the dancefloor
Oh, oh
I’m infected by the sound
Oh, oh
Stop this beat is killing me
Hey Dr. DJ let the music take me underground
From annieh97 on Mon Jul 06 10:46AMGood place for all big and tall singles, please check: ---Tallconnect Co M ---- ,More fun waiting for you...
From ericasos23 on Mon Jul 06 10:46AMDoubt it Eric.
From jay8my on Mon Jul 06 10:47AM#43 Upson is a Hammer for ever much like Fabergas is a Gooner forever LMAO
From arttidesco on Mon Jul 06 10:48AMDoubt it Arti
From annieh97 on Mon Jul 06 10:50AMMorning all - Tiger is da man wuhooooooooo brill GALF did you watch it Jay or did you watch the bat and ball?
From annieh97 on Mon Jul 06 10:54AMI watched the tennis Anne, i did nee see any of the golf. I take it Tiger won then?
From jay8my on Mon Jul 06 11:02AMFFS get a room
From chili_palmer1 on Mon Jul 06 11:04AMArt - We will have to wait and see where Cesc's future lies. He said he's committed but it doesn't count for much these days. Our skipper shouldn't be sold. Whose the new West Ham skipper now Neil has left??
From jay8my on Mon Jul 06 11:06AMchili_palmer1 - Do i look like a room!!
From jay8my on Mon Jul 06 11:07AMThank you for your registration.
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From chili_palmer1 on Mon Jul 06 11:10AMjay8mydogspoo no we don't look like a room
From chili_palmer1 on Mon Jul 06 11:11AMHe did Jay it was brilliant he sunk a 22ft putt on the 16th to go ahead of Hunter Mayhem and didnt drop any after that his round on Saturday was a bit dodgy he has now won 44 out of 48 (I think) where he lead going into Sunday thats pretty impressive isnt it - he even made time to text Feds to congratulate him on his 15th GS victory
From annieh97 on Mon Jul 06 11:12AMPopsy Topsy
From jay8my on Mon Jul 06 11:13AMAnne i doubt he sunk 22ft putt on the 16th, thats impossible, why do u feel the need to lie to make Tiger sound better than Roger.
From jay8my on Mon Jul 06 11:15AM
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