The hard graft starts here
Mon Jul 06 08:29AM
Today marks the start of pre-season training for the Premier League's brave football aces.
Having spent just six weeks messing around on the golf course or getting bored on a beach with their Page 3 WAGs, it is time for our fittest and finest to put their perfectly-bronzed noses back to the grindstone.
For those teams lucky enough not to be involved in the chore of European qualifying or Community Shield, the season starts on August 15.
And they can expect a pretty tough workout between now and then - as our sample pre-season schedule will show you.
The Premier League player's pre-season training schedule
Day 1: Meet new gaffer and team-mates. Spend day jostling for decent peg in dressing room away from volatile midfield enforcer.
Day 2: Cross-country run in surrounding countryside - half-way through, collapse from exhaustion and call agent for a lift back to the training ground gates.
Day 3: Sprint through an obstacle course of randomly distributed cones.
Day 4: Sprint through an obstacle course of randomly distributed tyres.
Day 5: Call in sick. Getting rhinoceros-sized plasma TV delivered.
Day 6: Sprint through an obstacle course of randomly distributed mini hurdles.
Day 7: Get speeding ticket after being snapped driving 83mph in 30mph zone on way home from training. Hastily establish penalty points-swapping system with fellow reckless drivers.
Day 8: Venture into weights room to build core strength.
Days 9-13: Undergo physio treatment on strained pectoral muscle following catastrophic attempt to bench press youth-teamer.
Day 14: Stand in a tight circle and ping inaccurate first-time passes around until somebody misses the ball and has to go and fetch it.
Day 15: Headers and volleys over a tennis net.
Day 16: Well-earned day off. Get pictured falling out of Essex nightclub.
Day 17: Stay indoors nursing head, emerging only to punch paparazzo on doorstep.
Days 18-22: Training camp/golf and booze binge in sun-kissed Mediterranean resort.
Day 23: Fist-fight with ageing Irish winger on flight home.
Day 24: Appear for reserve XI in arduous away-day at Hampton & Richmond Borough. Lose 3-1.
Day 25: Tactical training. Sit in darkened room watching videos of last season's woeful performances, smirking at assorted clangers and texting mates.
Day 26: Appear at charity function, get drunk with Fiona Phillips and Ainsley Harriott. Make inappropriate suggestive remark to Duchess of Kent.
Days 27: Half-heartedly travel to Switzerland for mini-tournament against Sturm Graz, Young Boys Bern and Skoda Xanthi.
Days 28-32: Play 34 minutes in three cameo appearances and return home completely lacking in fitness and form, but secure in the knowledge there is no chance of dislodging first-choice left-back from team.
Day 33: Some of the lads call early on the way to an optional training session. No chance - a season of kicking back and picking up 30 grand a week awaits.
Day 34: Accidentally fly into late challenge and rupture first-choice left-back's cruciate knee ligament.
Day 35: Manager tells transfer kitty is empty and the idiot who crocked his best player on the training ground will be first-choice for the entire season.
Day 36: Decide some last-minute fitness work is in order. Go into gym armed with cassette of Eye of the Tiger and a skipping rope.
Days 37-39: Undergo treatment on ankle tweaked three minutes into skipping session.
Day 40: Reluctantly come through fitness test and get named in team for fixture away to Arsenal.
Day 41: Go into opening day massively undercooked. Get repeatedly rinsed by that little sod Walcott. Lose 3-0, get ridiculed by Adrian Chiles and Lee Dixon. Wish the game had been on Setanta.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: Petr Cech does nothing (and something) to dampen those JT-to-Manchester City rumours: "Sometime people want to have a new challenge. They want to go on to different adventures, you never know. It comes from the personality. It has also been the case JT has always wanted to stay at Chelsea - it's in his heart."
FOREIGN VIEW: Brazil striker Nilmar gave an indication just why Manchester United are keen on acquiring his services with a brace as Internacional went top of the Brazilian championship with a 2-0 win over Nautico. Meanwhile championships were decided in both Bolivia (winners: Bolivar) and Paraguay (Cerro Porteno) over the weekend.
COMING UP: As usual, we'll have all the latest transfer gossip with our transfer ticker, plus we've got extensive coverage of the day's Tour de France stage, which starts in Eric Cantona's home town of Marseille.
Stop crying Jay
From annieh97 on Mon Jul 06 01:41PMyou are making a mess of your petticoat
From annieh97 on Mon Jul 06 01:47PMOOOooooooooh OOOOOOOooooooh I forgot to tell ya Bwert is me mate on FB
From annieh97 on Mon Jul 06 01:48PM100
From jay8my on Mon Jul 06 01:52PM100
From jay8my on Mon Jul 06 01:52PM100
From jay8my on Mon Jul 06 01:52PM100
From bobo.spamble on Mon Jul 06 01:53PM100
From bobo.spamble on Mon Jul 06 01:53PM100
From bobo.spamble on Mon Jul 06 01:53PMf*ck sake!
From bobo.spamble on Mon Jul 06 01:55PMAnnie u twatBitch you told me 100 was there for the taking.
But i guess you thought Jack had 20 majors too - still having trouble reading numbers; illiterate tard!From bobo.spamble on Mon Jul 06 01:59PMLMAO Bobo you are such a noob!!!!!
From annieh97 on Mon Jul 06 02:01PMBOBO that was @#$% you @#$% - Congrats Jay well done I can be gracious
From annieh97 on Mon Jul 06 02:01PMStop crying B
B
To think you used to be good at this game, you are over the hill give it up
From annieh97 on Mon Jul 06 02:02PMAnne #97 stop adding my friends on facebook lol!!
From jay8my on Mon Jul 06 02:05PMlol Jay its so I can see all ya faux pars
From annieh97 on Mon Jul 06 02:08PMI dont have any faux pars. If i did u wouldn't find them on E1's or Bwerto's FB pages. Bwert's sent me sum well funny texts lately, do u want me to send u any? You've gotta hear the way he shouts at me and says "Hwug hwug u r a gway mwan, why du yu wike peder wandwe so mwuch, i thwing u wove him."
From jay8my on Mon Jul 06 02:16PMComment No. 40 applies too to Ade of Arsenal. So no problem for other team
From peter.ansell2 on Mon Jul 06 02:17PMYAWN! Zzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzzz
From who_are_ya_85 on Mon Jul 06 02:18PMKev - Brill #113 really livened things up. Peter Ansell2 what was 112 all about. Comment 40 was about a burning orphanage.
From jay8my on Mon Jul 06 02:23PM106-108 - you're a big useless stupid girl with a handbag full of tampons and lipstick
From bobo.spamble on Mon Jul 06 02:23PMYeah Jay please send them it makes me piss meself
From annieh97 on Mon Jul 06 02:23PMUtter s hit, no effort, you usually have me laughing my b ollox of are you sure your not ED's evil s hitty twin?
From danny_gauci on Mon Jul 06 02:24PM#114 - I'm just a boring f.ucker when there is nowt in the news about LFC!
From who_are_ya_85 on Mon Jul 06 02:27PM118 Reality check you are a boring f'ucker when there IS news about LFC
From annieh97 on Mon Jul 06 02:30PMCRonaldo is going to have his massive ego massaged by 80,000 bellends at 8pm this evening in the Benderbeau Stadium!
From who_are_ya_85 on Mon Jul 06 02:31PM#119 - That's rich coming from you Bellend! Har har har (No smiley face... I'm dead serious)
From who_are_ya_85 on Mon Jul 06 02:32PM#120 - "80,000 bellends" refer to 80,000 annieh97's Har har har!
From who_are_ya_85 on Mon Jul 06 02:33PMlol Kev nice come back and you know Im kidding you are not a boring f'ucker at all just a f'ucker
From annieh97 on Mon Jul 06 02:36PMHey Kev looks like Arsenal might be getting rid of Eboue in a swap deal with Melo of Fiorentina. That would get rid of the club clown.....speaking of clowns, is Lucas staying at Anfield??
From jay8my on Mon Jul 06 02:40PM
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