Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

The hard graft starts here

Mon Jul 06 08:29AM

Today marks the start of pre-season training for the Premier League's brave football aces.

Having spent just six weeks messing around on the golf course or getting bored on a beach with their Page 3 WAGs, it is time for our fittest and finest to put their perfectly-bronzed noses back to the grindstone.

For those teams lucky enough not to be involved in the chore of European qualifying or Community Shield, the season starts on August 15.

And they can expect a pretty tough workout between now and then - as our sample pre-season schedule will show you.

The Premier League player's pre-season training schedule

Day 1: Meet new gaffer and team-mates. Spend day jostling for decent peg in dressing room away from volatile midfield enforcer.

Day 2: Cross-country run in surrounding countryside - half-way through, collapse from exhaustion and call agent for a lift back to the training ground gates.

Day 3: Sprint through an obstacle course of randomly distributed cones.

Day 4: Sprint through an obstacle course of randomly distributed tyres.

Day 5: Call in sick. Getting rhinoceros-sized plasma TV delivered.

Day 6: Sprint through an obstacle course of randomly distributed mini hurdles.

Day 7: Get speeding ticket after being snapped driving 83mph in 30mph zone on way home from training. Hastily establish penalty points-swapping system with fellow reckless drivers.

Day 8: Venture into weights room to build core strength.

Days 9-13: Undergo physio treatment on strained pectoral muscle following catastrophic attempt to bench press youth-teamer.

Day 14: Stand in a tight circle and ping inaccurate first-time passes around until somebody misses the ball and has to go and fetch it.

Day 15: Headers and volleys over a tennis net.

Day 16: Well-earned day off. Get pictured falling out of Essex nightclub.

Day 17: Stay indoors nursing head, emerging only to punch paparazzo on doorstep.

Days 18-22: Training camp/golf and booze binge in sun-kissed Mediterranean resort.

Day 23: Fist-fight with ageing Irish winger on flight home.

Day 24: Appear for reserve XI in arduous away-day at Hampton & Richmond Borough. Lose 3-1.

Day 25: Tactical training. Sit in darkened room watching videos of last season's woeful performances, smirking at assorted clangers and texting mates.

Day 26: Appear at charity function, get drunk with Fiona Phillips and Ainsley Harriott. Make inappropriate suggestive remark to Duchess of Kent.

Days 27: Half-heartedly travel to Switzerland for mini-tournament against Sturm Graz, Young Boys Bern and Skoda Xanthi.

Days 28-32: Play 34 minutes in three cameo appearances and return home completely lacking in fitness and form, but secure in the knowledge there is no chance of dislodging first-choice left-back from team.

Day 33: Some of the lads call early on the way to an optional training session. No chance - a season of kicking back and picking up 30 grand a week awaits.

Day 34: Accidentally fly into late challenge and rupture first-choice left-back's cruciate knee ligament.

Day 35: Manager tells transfer kitty is empty and the idiot who crocked his best player on the training ground will be first-choice for the entire season.

Day 36: Decide some last-minute fitness work is in order. Go into gym armed with cassette of Eye of the Tiger and a skipping rope.

Days 37-39: Undergo treatment on ankle tweaked three minutes into skipping session.

Day 40: Reluctantly come through fitness test and get named in team for fixture away to Arsenal.

Day 41: Go into opening day massively undercooked. Get repeatedly rinsed by that little sod Walcott. Lose 3-0, get ridiculed by Adrian Chiles and Lee Dixon. Wish the game had been on Setanta.

- - -

QUOTE OF THE DAY: Petr Cech does nothing (and something) to dampen those JT-to-Manchester City rumours: "Sometime people want to have a new challenge. They want to go on to different adventures, you never know. It comes from the personality. It has also been the case JT has always wanted to stay at Chelsea - it's in his heart."

FOREIGN VIEW: Brazil striker Nilmar gave an indication just why Manchester United are keen on acquiring his services with a brace as  Internacional went top of the Brazilian championship with a 2-0 win over Nautico. Meanwhile championships were decided in both Bolivia (winners: Bolivar) and Paraguay (Cerro Porteno) over the weekend.

COMING UP: As usual, we'll have all the latest transfer gossip with our transfer ticker, plus we've got extensive coverage of the day's Tour de France stage, which starts in Eric Cantona's home town of Marseille.

 

• Email
• Share:
  • Delicious
  • Digg
  • Facebook
  • Stumbleupon
  • Reddit
  • Newsvine