Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Early Doors

The hard graft starts here

Mon Jul 06 08:29AM

Today marks the start of pre-season training for the Premier League's brave football aces.

Having spent just six weeks messing around on the golf course or getting bored on a beach with their Page 3 WAGs, it is time for our fittest and finest to put their perfectly-bronzed noses back to the grindstone.

For those teams lucky enough not to be involved in the chore of European qualifying or Community Shield, the season starts on August 15.

And they can expect a pretty tough workout between now and then - as our sample pre-season schedule will show you.

The Premier League player's pre-season training schedule

Day 1: Meet new gaffer and team-mates. Spend day jostling for decent peg in dressing room away from volatile midfield enforcer.

Day 2: Cross-country run in surrounding countryside - half-way through, collapse from exhaustion and call agent for a lift back to the training ground gates.

Day 3: Sprint through an obstacle course of randomly distributed cones.

Day 4: Sprint through an obstacle course of randomly distributed tyres.

Day 5: Call in sick. Getting rhinoceros-sized plasma TV delivered.

Day 6: Sprint through an obstacle course of randomly distributed mini hurdles.

Day 7: Get speeding ticket after being snapped driving 83mph in 30mph zone on way home from training. Hastily establish penalty points-swapping system with fellow reckless drivers.

Day 8: Venture into weights room to build core strength.

Days 9-13: Undergo physio treatment on strained pectoral muscle following catastrophic attempt to bench press youth-teamer.

Day 14: Stand in a tight circle and ping inaccurate first-time passes around until somebody misses the ball and has to go and fetch it.

Day 15: Headers and volleys over a tennis net.

Day 16: Well-earned day off. Get pictured falling out of Essex nightclub.

Day 17: Stay indoors nursing head, emerging only to punch paparazzo on doorstep.

Days 18-22: Training camp/golf and booze binge in sun-kissed Mediterranean resort.

Day 23: Fist-fight with ageing Irish winger on flight home.

Day 24: Appear for reserve XI in arduous away-day at Hampton & Richmond Borough. Lose 3-1.

Day 25: Tactical training. Sit in darkened room watching videos of last season's woeful performances, smirking at assorted clangers and texting mates.

Day 26: Appear at charity function, get drunk with Fiona Phillips and Ainsley Harriott. Make inappropriate suggestive remark to Duchess of Kent.

Days 27: Half-heartedly travel to Switzerland for mini-tournament against Sturm Graz, Young Boys Bern and Skoda Xanthi.

Days 28-32: Play 34 minutes in three cameo appearances and return home completely lacking in fitness and form, but secure in the knowledge there is no chance of dislodging first-choice left-back from team.

Day 33: Some of the lads call early on the way to an optional training session. No chance - a season of kicking back and picking up 30 grand a week awaits.

Day 34: Accidentally fly into late challenge and rupture first-choice left-back's cruciate knee ligament.

Day 35: Manager tells transfer kitty is empty and the idiot who crocked his best player on the training ground will be first-choice for the entire season.

Day 36: Decide some last-minute fitness work is in order. Go into gym armed with cassette of Eye of the Tiger and a skipping rope.

Days 37-39: Undergo treatment on ankle tweaked three minutes into skipping session.

Day 40: Reluctantly come through fitness test and get named in team for fixture away to Arsenal.

Day 41: Go into opening day massively undercooked. Get repeatedly rinsed by that little sod Walcott. Lose 3-0, get ridiculed by Adrian Chiles and Lee Dixon. Wish the game had been on Setanta.

- - -

QUOTE OF THE DAY: Petr Cech does nothing (and something) to dampen those JT-to-Manchester City rumours: "Sometime people want to have a new challenge. They want to go on to different adventures, you never know. It comes from the personality. It has also been the case JT has always wanted to stay at Chelsea - it's in his heart."

FOREIGN VIEW: Brazil striker Nilmar gave an indication just why Manchester United are keen on acquiring his services with a brace as  Internacional went top of the Brazilian championship with a 2-0 win over Nautico. Meanwhile championships were decided in both Bolivia (winners: Bolivar) and Paraguay (Cerro Porteno) over the weekend.

COMING UP: As usual, we'll have all the latest transfer gossip with our transfer ticker, plus we've got extensive coverage of the day's Tour de France stage, which starts in Eric Cantona's home town of Marseille.

 

  1. first!?

    sk88erboiFrom sk88erboi on Mon Jul 06 08:41AM

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  2. worst ED for a while,
    lacked effort!

    andyc147From andyc147 on Mon Jul 06 08:47AM

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  3. hahahahahaah... funny day 2 & day 5...

    baliriotFrom baliriot on Mon Jul 06 08:52AM

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  4. yawn

    davybrooFrom davybroo on Mon Jul 06 08:57AM

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  5. Rubbish article ED but no Man U bashing for a change.

    reynoldsj_2000From reynoldsj_2000 on Mon Jul 06 08:59AM

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  6. 7th?

    catchpoledanielFrom catchpoledaniel on Mon Jul 06 08:59AM

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  7. First choice left back - Arsenal? Is ED talking bout Leighton Baines?

    squirrel4481From squirrel4481 on Mon Jul 06 09:00AM

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  8. utter s.hite

    imaygerFrom imayger on Mon Jul 06 09:06AM

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  9. WOW - I DID IT!

    catchpoledanielFrom catchpoledaniel on Mon Jul 06 09:07AM

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  10. NOT SO FUNNY THIS MORNING

    adamoconnell12From adamoconnell12 on Mon Jul 06 09:10AM

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  11. How can you call people over paid?

    danswasteFrom danswaste on Mon Jul 06 09:15AM

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  12. I was convinced that you would pounce on the "Ronaldo, Because I'm Worth It" story-line!

    who_are_ya_85From who_are_ya_85 on Mon Jul 06 09:16AM

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  13. "Get repeatedly rinsed by that little sod Walcott." simply hilarious .

    rolandawemoFrom rolandawemo on Mon Jul 06 09:20AM

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  14. Funny.

    james_ssmithFrom james_ssmith on Mon Jul 06 09:23AM

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  15. Day 8 and day 9 LOL. Dont know why but that article reminded me of Frank Lampard.

    jay8myFrom jay8my on Mon Jul 06 09:27AM

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  16. this has no humour in it...and nothing really relevant either, if u found it funny...check urself: your pathetic!

    chiggzy4lifeFrom chiggzy4life on Mon Jul 06 09:41AM

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  17. Roll on August 15, Ed has become a terrible bore

    tapiwa8From tapiwa8 on Mon Jul 06 09:41AM

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  18. Funny article. And you managed to avoid mentioning the tennis too! ohshit..

    danny_saksFrom danny_saks on Mon Jul 06 09:49AM

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  19. A bit like Big Brother, by Day 9 it was losing any appeal it may of had!!
    Morning Eders!!

    andy_lycettFrom andy_lycett on Mon Jul 06 09:49AM

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  20. When footballers under perform their out on their arse replaced by new faces,and by todays standard of reporting performance those at ED should be watching their arses

    russgar48From russgar48 on Mon Jul 06 09:53AM

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  21. God these so called stars dont know they are born, no issues in life, no worries (except if they catch clap), yes its a tough life.

    humbleman6930From humbleman6930 on Mon Jul 06 09:56AM

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  22. Whoever says this article is rubbish need a sense of humor and need their head examine... if you want serious article buy the Times newspaper better still The Financial Times..
    ED keep Up The Good Work Mates

    akesandayFrom akesanday on Mon Jul 06 09:57AM

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  23. Iknow one thing I want to watch real madrid games????

    tardanazFrom tardanaz on Mon Jul 06 10:00AM

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  24. Iknow one thing I want to watch real madrid games????

    tardanazFrom tardanaz on Mon Jul 06 10:00AM

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  25. #24 LOL Anyone believe the John Terry rumour?? £40million seems like an awful lot for a Central Defender.

    jay8myFrom jay8my on Mon Jul 06 10:01AM

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  26. Life without football sucks, roll on August 15th.

    reynoldsj_2000From reynoldsj_2000 on Mon Jul 06 10:02AM

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  27. Gooners will not win 3 - 0 on the opening day WHUFC probably will to take their usual place at the top of the EPL in week one :-) This time they will stay at the top of EPL until the end of the season :-)

    arttidescoFrom arttidesco on Mon Jul 06 10:02AM

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  28. What happened to the Scot at Wimbledon did he lose or did the Brit win ?

    arttidescoFrom arttidesco on Mon Jul 06 10:03AM

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  29. Sunhat and shades now Andy? Are you a professional footballer by any chance?

    danny_saksFrom danny_saks on Mon Jul 06 10:04AM

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  30. Its Man City Jay. I'll believe anything they say about them at the mo.

    danny_saksFrom danny_saks on Mon Jul 06 10:05AM

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