Help The Aged
Thu Jul 24 09:00AM
Have Help The Aged got nothing better to do than dispute the claim that footballers over the age of 30 are not likely to improve much?
The codger-friendly charity have weighed into the debate on whether Chelsea are too old to win the title, with a clearly very bored spokesperson taking issue with Alex Ferguson's (pictured above, possibly at a bus stop) claim that Big Phil's side are a bit past it.
"In 2008, age is no longer an acceptable yardstick to measure a person's worth ot potential. There's a lot to be said for experience," said Kate Jopling.
"People should never be written off because of their age. Ageist attitudes such as this should always be handed the red card."
ED knows there is a school of thought that claims any publicity is good publicity, and without these fatuous remarks Help The Aged would not be on the back page of The Sun.
But, while it is one thing to increase awareness, it is quite another to increase awareness of how staggeringly ill-informed you are.
Early Doors pre-empted the age debate on Monday by claiming that it wasn't a factor in football.
Following Help The Aged's implication that Chelsea should bring back Chopper Harris and Robert Fleck, ED is starting to think that such a view is as far-fetched as Anne Darwin telling her children that their father was dead.
- - -
Next up on officially the slowest news day of the year is Carlos Tevez's claim that Cristiano Ronaldo should be allowed to go to Real Madrid if he wants.
Tevez sent shockwaves around Old Trafford with the outrageous claim that: "I understand Cristiano. Every footballer wants to play at Real Madrid. On the other hand, I also think that everyone wants to play for Manchester United."
- - -
And finally on no-news day is the revelation that Manchester United and Portsmouth will continue to take malaria tablets after Kolo Toure contracted the disease.
You see, Toure was in the Ivory when he was bitten by a mosquito, and United and Pompey are also in Africa which clearly, in the mind of the average tabloid, is just one big country.
Never mind that Abidjan is over 3,000 miles from Cape Town, where United played inexplicably award-winning indie-rock band Kaizer Chiefs the other day.
And with that, Early Doors will give up trying to find anything worth talking about and concentrate on the strangely alluring Lisa Burke's weather forecast. A balmy 28 degrees in the south-east, you say?
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I can't say I can't wait to finish, but I'm looking forward to finishing and everything that goes with it. The only thing I will definitely miss is the football. The general life of a footballer is not for me I guess. People are just very invasive and are always wanting to know what you are going to do." Paul Scholes demonstrates the eloquence we are denied by his refusal to grant interviews. And also explains why he is unlikely to be pictured in a Los Angeles boutique wearing skimpy metallic shorts any time soon.
FOREIGN VIEW: There's no news either in Spain, where Real Madrid have denied a made-up transfer rumour. They don't want to sign Samuel Eto'o, according to Marca.
FEEDBACK OF THE DAY: Comment at the bottom of the 'Knife raid at Heskey house' from some bloke called karlbillo: "Heskey should know all about daylight robbery with Liverpool having spent £11 million on his services."
SONIA C hit back by claiming that the robbers "need removing off the face of the earth", while melaniejhutton put the sniggering likes of ED firmly in their place with this riposte: "The less sympathetics are idiots who have not been robbed before. I hope they experience this kind of robbery very soon."
TALKING POINT: inkwaster lived up to his/her name with two almost certainly fictitious stories of Larry David-esque misfortune, of which ED can only be bothered to print the first:
"When I was in College, I landed a date with this outstanding looking girl. The only problem was I worked this terrible night security job at Car Lot. So of course realizing the girl was more important than the job I called in and having used up my many I am sick routines in the past, I made the oh so obvious and callous move to informing that my dear gran had passed away. They of course being kind were saddened and gave me the night off. First off the date was terrible, the girl although being good looking was boring as hell and had nothing at all to talk about, ah well worth the risk I thought. The next day being Saturday I was sitting in the kitchen eating when someone came to the door. Gran answered it and it was two bouquets of flowers being delivered by the secretary of my work. I lost the job and gran didn't speak to me for a few weeks and my mom just kind of scowled at me for months after.
Today - Make up a story. Just pluck it out of thin air and bung it on the message board below.
'SEE YOU IN COURT' OF THE DAY: In yesterday's edition Early Doors was comparing the Norwegian Manchester United fans, not Daniel Levy, to Larry David. It didn't even occur to ED that Levy was Jewish, which may make it an idiot but not an anti-Semite.
FANTASY PREMIER LEAGUE PLUG OF THE DAY: It's here, join it. OK?
muhahahahahaha
From jawadman on Thu Jul 24 09:01AM2nd
From andyc147 on Thu Jul 24 09:05AMMorning Everyone
Now Tevez want to go to Real are Real aiming to become Manchester United Lite ?
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 09:06AMgood morning all!
the "see you in court of the day" is a classic!
watch out Ed...
From kantong_wokster on Thu Jul 24 09:06AMIt is probably not my turn but I would like to get the Trivia Ball rolling with which Cup did Vitafoam Utd win in 1981 and a bonus point for which City they represent ?
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 09:07AMAnyone else notice how appropriate that photo of Fergie is?
A nice little add for a retirement fund... ?
From kantong_wokster on Thu Jul 24 09:08AMnewcastle do the treble this season. Certaily made up
From yeovilfan1 on Thu Jul 24 09:08AM3rd
From euansutherland1 on Thu Jul 24 09:09AMg'morning eDsTeRs, bitchslap the day to go your way!
i can't quite remember what it was, but i could swear there was a specific type of bewilderment they eluded to in the article yesterday, religious perhaps? must have been so subtle in disappeared from the article completely ;) now that's what i call top class writing!
there's a big west ham v. mls all-stars match back up in toronto, canada tonight, featuring such stars as david beckham, juan pablo angel, landon donovan and a few other hobos they shaved down at the bus station ~ that's what i call news!!! hammers fans got into some scuffles with 'columbus crew' supporters (yeah, great name, isn't it?), hopefully none of the becks fans will spray them in the eyes with hair product tonight ~ we all want a peaceful, bland, uneventful match.
From jcpotvin on Thu Jul 24 09:16AM56th?
From ddickzim on Thu Jul 24 09:16AMI wouldn't mind chopper coming on as a substitute in the 80th minute and giving Ronaldo good bone crunching tackle. I think this crazy old form help the aged has apoint about the usefullness of old people.
Also when choppers suspension is over he can just repeat the cycle on the other premiership filth. Works for me!
From davewhitt_2002 on Thu Jul 24 09:17AMI wouldn't mind chopper coming on as a substitute in the 80th minute and giving Ronaldo good bone crunching tackle. I think this crazy old form help the aged has apoint about the usefullness of old people.
Also when choppers suspension is over he can just repeat the cycle on the other premiership filth. Works for me!
From davewhitt_2002 on Thu Jul 24 09:17AMChelsea aint too old. Makelele was gettin past it so was allowed to move on n even he played a season the Euros. Deco is old who was signed but Bosingwa aint, other targets such as Robinho aint.
Fergie is a doddering old fool!
From sav46e on Thu Jul 24 09:24AM- jc you rock! I can picture the hairspray wielding fans and well shaven hobos all so clearly!
well - im working on something this morning - might drop by a bit later!
have a good one
From kantong_wokster on Thu Jul 24 09:25AM While Cape Town may indeed be 3000 miles from Abidjan, this shouldn't provide much comfort to United or Portsmouth as the match is being played in Nigeria.
From tarzan156 on Thu Jul 24 09:27AMI skimmed. Got bored after the 2nd paragraph..! and LOL @ the person who thought they got the 3rd post but actually ended up 8th. And also, what's the obsession with getting one of the 1st few posts. Especially when they have nothing to do with the article above..?!?
WOW..you people are weird..!!
From alecblack on Thu Jul 24 09:28AMgood luck to you, kw, i'll let you know all about the boring mls all-star match-up, i'm predicting 0-0.
From jcpotvin on Thu Jul 24 09:29AMVitafoam United won the Zambian Cup in 1981, beating Strike Rovers 2-1.They represnted Ndola, the second largest city in Zambia,
From davidgraham63 on Thu Jul 24 09:31AMI hate Help the Aged, why isn't there a 'Help The Young' that's ageist in itself... @#$% hypocrites!
From claire881 on Thu Jul 24 09:35AMweird you say!!!
how very dare you!From andyc147 on Thu Jul 24 09:36AMTrue Story about a Lie (with changed names) since I missed yesterdays gig
The only thing I remember about the interview for the last proper job I had was a tanoy message 'Terry Hall....Telephone Call'.
I got the job selling big swedish cars in Londidnium and everyday at 12:05 a message would come out on the tanoy 'Terry Hall...Telephone Call.'
Terry Hall was a lovely hardworking no nonsense diligent mechanic and the person calling him every lunchtime at 12:05 was his girlfriend who spend 50 mins filling up his head with all sorts of useless stuff stoping at 12:55 precisely so he would have just enough time to go for a whizz before returning to work.
After two years I got promoted to Quality Controller in the workshop (our quality was that bad) and I was feeling mighty sorry for Terry who was having to spend 50 mins every lunchtime getting an earful from his misses, and one day Terry finished work just before lunch and told me he was going across the road to get his sarnies and would I tell his girlfriend Kate he would be back soon.
Sure enough at 12:05 Kate called and asked if she could speak to Terry I said he was out and she snapped back 'Where is he!' now being the kind of wind up merchant you all know me to be I could not resist lying by saying he had gone out with the new sales girl Saskia.
I wont repeat the torrent of expletives that followed but I think the last thing she said was 'make sure the b(explitive)d calls me the instant he gets back!'
Two mins later Terry comes back and asks if he has had any calls and again I lie just managing to keep a straight face and said 'Not so far as I know.'
Terry for the first time in two years had a proper lunch break, to wards the end of which I confessed that Kate had called earlier and when he asked why I had lied I confessed that I had lied to her and told Kate that he had gone out for lunch with Saskia upon which he managed a half smile but his I eye's told me he was completely mortified
Terry called Kate back and spent the next two hours trying to convince her that she had been victim of a prank
As a result of my wind up Kate took a course in anger management and started to get over her anxiety to the point where Terry & Kate got engaged and invited me to the wedding. They both thanked me for my wind up as it helped her get some help with chilling out and gave Terry the confidence to pop the question
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 09:36AMtrivia's just not the same when you have google available!!
From andyc147 on Thu Jul 24 09:37AMOooh Jc imagine instead of handbags at dawn, hair products at dawn... unless any of them carry manbags?!
From claire881 on Thu Jul 24 09:39AMa story then
Once upon a time there was a little boy called rinildi(tm) he wanted to play for a club called real madras(tm) the end
From risker15 on Thu Jul 24 09:40AMWell done David Graham good googling skills next question is yours to ask
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 09:40AMalecblack, even if he had the 3rd post i would have laughed at him
From risker15 on Thu Jul 24 09:43AMarti - do you like Captain Beefheart?
From euansutherland1 on Thu Jul 24 09:43AMTrivia is much more competitive when you have google he /she with the fastest machine and connection wins
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 09:44AMWhat the @#$% was the question?
From claire881 on Thu Jul 24 09:44AMwhat a load of b0llocks arttidesco
From andyc147 on Thu Jul 24 09:44AM
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