Help The Aged
Thu Jul 24 09:00AM
Have Help The Aged got nothing better to do than dispute the claim that footballers over the age of 30 are not likely to improve much?
The codger-friendly charity have weighed into the debate on whether Chelsea are too old to win the title, with a clearly very bored spokesperson taking issue with Alex Ferguson's (pictured above, possibly at a bus stop) claim that Big Phil's side are a bit past it.
"In 2008, age is no longer an acceptable yardstick to measure a person's worth ot potential. There's a lot to be said for experience," said Kate Jopling.
"People should never be written off because of their age. Ageist attitudes such as this should always be handed the red card."
ED knows there is a school of thought that claims any publicity is good publicity, and without these fatuous remarks Help The Aged would not be on the back page of The Sun.
But, while it is one thing to increase awareness, it is quite another to increase awareness of how staggeringly ill-informed you are.
Early Doors pre-empted the age debate on Monday by claiming that it wasn't a factor in football.
Following Help The Aged's implication that Chelsea should bring back Chopper Harris and Robert Fleck, ED is starting to think that such a view is as far-fetched as Anne Darwin telling her children that their father was dead.
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Next up on officially the slowest news day of the year is Carlos Tevez's claim that Cristiano Ronaldo should be allowed to go to Real Madrid if he wants.
Tevez sent shockwaves around Old Trafford with the outrageous claim that: "I understand Cristiano. Every footballer wants to play at Real Madrid. On the other hand, I also think that everyone wants to play for Manchester United."
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And finally on no-news day is the revelation that Manchester United and Portsmouth will continue to take malaria tablets after Kolo Toure contracted the disease.
You see, Toure was in the Ivory when he was bitten by a mosquito, and United and Pompey are also in Africa which clearly, in the mind of the average tabloid, is just one big country.
Never mind that Abidjan is over 3,000 miles from Cape Town, where United played inexplicably award-winning indie-rock band Kaizer Chiefs the other day.
And with that, Early Doors will give up trying to find anything worth talking about and concentrate on the strangely alluring Lisa Burke's weather forecast. A balmy 28 degrees in the south-east, you say?
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I can't say I can't wait to finish, but I'm looking forward to finishing and everything that goes with it. The only thing I will definitely miss is the football. The general life of a footballer is not for me I guess. People are just very invasive and are always wanting to know what you are going to do." Paul Scholes demonstrates the eloquence we are denied by his refusal to grant interviews. And also explains why he is unlikely to be pictured in a Los Angeles boutique wearing skimpy metallic shorts any time soon.
FOREIGN VIEW: There's no news either in Spain, where Real Madrid have denied a made-up transfer rumour. They don't want to sign Samuel Eto'o, according to Marca.
FEEDBACK OF THE DAY: Comment at the bottom of the 'Knife raid at Heskey house' from some bloke called karlbillo: "Heskey should know all about daylight robbery with Liverpool having spent £11 million on his services."
SONIA C hit back by claiming that the robbers "need removing off the face of the earth", while melaniejhutton put the sniggering likes of ED firmly in their place with this riposte: "The less sympathetics are idiots who have not been robbed before. I hope they experience this kind of robbery very soon."
TALKING POINT: inkwaster lived up to his/her name with two almost certainly fictitious stories of Larry David-esque misfortune, of which ED can only be bothered to print the first:
"When I was in College, I landed a date with this outstanding looking girl. The only problem was I worked this terrible night security job at Car Lot. So of course realizing the girl was more important than the job I called in and having used up my many I am sick routines in the past, I made the oh so obvious and callous move to informing that my dear gran had passed away. They of course being kind were saddened and gave me the night off. First off the date was terrible, the girl although being good looking was boring as hell and had nothing at all to talk about, ah well worth the risk I thought. The next day being Saturday I was sitting in the kitchen eating when someone came to the door. Gran answered it and it was two bouquets of flowers being delivered by the secretary of my work. I lost the job and gran didn't speak to me for a few weeks and my mom just kind of scowled at me for months after.
Today - Make up a story. Just pluck it out of thin air and bung it on the message board below.
'SEE YOU IN COURT' OF THE DAY: In yesterday's edition Early Doors was comparing the Norwegian Manchester United fans, not Daniel Levy, to Larry David. It didn't even occur to ED that Levy was Jewish, which may make it an idiot but not an anti-Semite.
FANTASY PREMIER LEAGUE PLUG OF THE DAY: It's here, join it. OK?
dk4stars, I think I'm just older. Intellectuals like me are so last century. I'm off now for a long weekend to investigate and experience baroque transformations of the libido in the middle-aged or in other words to get my rocks off.
From james_ssmith on Thu Jul 24 04:05PMJames - it just makes me laugh hearing you speak about tolerance - its almost as funny as hearing George Bush go on about world peace. He has a grade three level in spelling just like you too.
as for cooking - actually I dont cook. I get my boyfriend to do it. Snooty little girls in my generation are no longer subservient slaves like they may have been in yours.
From kantong_wokster on Thu Jul 24 04:06PMand also. i as well work but cannot possibly have time to write suck a million times in a row.
From dk4stars on Thu Jul 24 04:06PMeuan!
thats a shocker!From kantong_wokster on Thu Jul 24 04:09PMI'd love to pull katong's pigtails.
From samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 04:10PMwow, that was ermm not funny. more jokes please (funny 1s). dont you have anymore kantong?
From dk4stars on Thu Jul 24 04:11PMFunny though, i've got better one's than that.
From euansutherland1 on Thu Jul 24 04:11PMI'm gonna change my picture seeing as everyone else is, this one looks nothing like me.
From euansutherland1 on Thu Jul 24 04:12PMi dont agree with the slagging off of sammy. but i also didnt agree with some of the stuff he was coming away with yesterday. (although he has apologised). james i like u, ur a smart guy, but i dont see the need to slag off kantong and that, they arent doing any harm to anyone and i find them quite funny and pretty clued up on the football.
dk4stars, does it matter how many friends he has on facebook??
From marcgrant7 on Thu Jul 24 04:14PMWhat year will Fegie retire. I see you can put a wager on it at The bookies. He's 66 now.So he might retire in 2012 when he's 70. Or 2016 when he would mark his 30th year at the club. You can bet it will be one of those two.
From samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 04:14PMMessage To: All Al-Queda Fighters
From: Bin Laden, Ossama
Subject: The CaveHi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few
concerns:First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster ... have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the **** out of most of the world's population, okay? That means those while we’re taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' 'you suck' thing. Thanks.
Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairymilk chocolates recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairymilk slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidels' bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.
Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.
Love you lots, Group Hug.
Os.
PS - I'm sick of having "Ossama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag.
Cut it out, it's not funny any more.From kantong_wokster on Thu Jul 24 04:15PMkanting, loved the 'its great for traction' comment last nite!
morning jay
morning euan
morning judy
morning roxy
morning sam @#$%s
morning james cat
morning claire
morning jack
From bencornelius23 on Thu Jul 24 04:15PMmarc
i was just being silly yesterday.im not usually ike that. I do deserve all the abuse im getting in return. Back to the footy debate for me now.Why you hate Rangers so much? Im not a big fan either.From samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 04:17PMmorning to you ben
From kantong_wokster on Thu Jul 24 04:18PMsee thats what im talking about. you're just not hmmm interesting. you are the 1 that keeps on saying the same thing over and over again. how long did it take you to think of that, eh. you just seem so stupid. always talking about suck suck suck. go suck yourself. by the way, that was very funny kantong.
From dk4stars on Thu Jul 24 04:20PMDid anyone notice that i just turned into a dog? A person one minute, a cannine the next.
From samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 04:20PMSamuel - this one is for you!
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a
large purple parrot in the seat next to him.The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the
aisle past the man and his seat mate. "Hey, b itch," says the parrot,
"bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"The flight attendant looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she
walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: "Goddammit,
you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"Visibly flustered, the flight attendant hurries up the aisle and
returns quickly with the parrot's drink.Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some
quick service for himself."Hey, slùt," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your
sorry àss - I want it right now!"The flight attendant turns red with anger and runs to the front of
the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two
burly male flight attendants.The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the
emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 30,000
feet.As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know,
for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."From kantong_wokster on Thu Jul 24 04:23PMi have no ambition of ever becoming friends with you jude.
From samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 04:25PMno jude i was prepared to let by goes be by gones.Thats not the same as sucking up. I think i can live with being rejected by a reject.
From samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 04:29PMomg. i cant believe it. you actually think you are funny. u beat me up, i would love to see you come to where i live and try. u post like a billion post and think you are somebody. im workin right now and dont have time 4 prics like you
From dk4stars on Thu Jul 24 04:36PMReminds me of a story Jude...
(in this story - you are a "cat" and samuel is a "dog" and "ghine" and "kop" are Adam and Eve respectively.)
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, we are lonesome here." And God said, I will create a companion for you that will accept you as you are and will love you." And God created a new animal and it was a good animal. And the new
animal was pleased and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, " His name will be a reflection of my own name, call him DOG."And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved
them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content
and wagged his tail.After a while, an angel came to the Lord and said, "Adam and Eve
strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with
them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of
their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of
adoration.And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's
eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a @#$% one way or the other.
From kantong_wokster on Thu Jul 24 04:36PMA man goes to bed at 10.00 at night and switches off the light. He wakes up the next morning to find hundreds of dead bodies around his feet. Why is this?
From samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 04:37PMciao jude ;)
From kantong_wokster on Thu Jul 24 04:41PMben: what u up 2??? I cant really say anymore, otherwise samuel might be calling me a suck up!! Apparently ur not allowed to have mates online.
From jay8my on Thu Jul 24 04:41PMdo you have a life jude? what exactly do you say here every morning, tell me. all you do is suck. go suck your mum if you like it so much.
From dk4stars on Thu Jul 24 04:41PMyou too jude!
by all!
From kantong_wokster on Thu Jul 24 04:43PMbye samone!!
From jay8my on Thu Jul 24 04:43PMyou are allowed mates online but when the 1st mates are people you met over a football forum u start to wonder where the persons life went wrong?
From dk4stars on Thu Jul 24 04:44PMoriginal once again. you are sounding even more stupid than before. never thought that was possible, congrats
From dk4stars on Thu Jul 24 04:46PMkantong, a question. u said 'they are good for traction', traction meaning grip obviously. so how could oils be good for grip? surely it would alow for a even smoother ride?
jay, im eating pancakes.bit sick of them already though. slight hangover. stayed at a mates last night, and shes gotta hot tub, so we filled it with washing uo liquid and had an awsome foam party! hows life in england? my mom called me yesterday morn and sed it was pretty hot
From bencornelius23 on Thu Jul 24 04:49PM
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