Help The Aged
Thu Jul 24 09:00AM
Have Help The Aged got nothing better to do than dispute the claim that footballers over the age of 30 are not likely to improve much?
The codger-friendly charity have weighed into the debate on whether Chelsea are too old to win the title, with a clearly very bored spokesperson taking issue with Alex Ferguson's (pictured above, possibly at a bus stop) claim that Big Phil's side are a bit past it.
"In 2008, age is no longer an acceptable yardstick to measure a person's worth ot potential. There's a lot to be said for experience," said Kate Jopling.
"People should never be written off because of their age. Ageist attitudes such as this should always be handed the red card."
ED knows there is a school of thought that claims any publicity is good publicity, and without these fatuous remarks Help The Aged would not be on the back page of The Sun.
But, while it is one thing to increase awareness, it is quite another to increase awareness of how staggeringly ill-informed you are.
Early Doors pre-empted the age debate on Monday by claiming that it wasn't a factor in football.
Following Help The Aged's implication that Chelsea should bring back Chopper Harris and Robert Fleck, ED is starting to think that such a view is as far-fetched as Anne Darwin telling her children that their father was dead.
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Next up on officially the slowest news day of the year is Carlos Tevez's claim that Cristiano Ronaldo should be allowed to go to Real Madrid if he wants.
Tevez sent shockwaves around Old Trafford with the outrageous claim that: "I understand Cristiano. Every footballer wants to play at Real Madrid. On the other hand, I also think that everyone wants to play for Manchester United."
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And finally on no-news day is the revelation that Manchester United and Portsmouth will continue to take malaria tablets after Kolo Toure contracted the disease.
You see, Toure was in the Ivory when he was bitten by a mosquito, and United and Pompey are also in Africa which clearly, in the mind of the average tabloid, is just one big country.
Never mind that Abidjan is over 3,000 miles from Cape Town, where United played inexplicably award-winning indie-rock band Kaizer Chiefs the other day.
And with that, Early Doors will give up trying to find anything worth talking about and concentrate on the strangely alluring Lisa Burke's weather forecast. A balmy 28 degrees in the south-east, you say?
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QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I can't say I can't wait to finish, but I'm looking forward to finishing and everything that goes with it. The only thing I will definitely miss is the football. The general life of a footballer is not for me I guess. People are just very invasive and are always wanting to know what you are going to do." Paul Scholes demonstrates the eloquence we are denied by his refusal to grant interviews. And also explains why he is unlikely to be pictured in a Los Angeles boutique wearing skimpy metallic shorts any time soon.
FOREIGN VIEW: There's no news either in Spain, where Real Madrid have denied a made-up transfer rumour. They don't want to sign Samuel Eto'o, according to Marca.
FEEDBACK OF THE DAY: Comment at the bottom of the 'Knife raid at Heskey house' from some bloke called karlbillo: "Heskey should know all about daylight robbery with Liverpool having spent £11 million on his services."
SONIA C hit back by claiming that the robbers "need removing off the face of the earth", while melaniejhutton put the sniggering likes of ED firmly in their place with this riposte: "The less sympathetics are idiots who have not been robbed before. I hope they experience this kind of robbery very soon."
TALKING POINT: inkwaster lived up to his/her name with two almost certainly fictitious stories of Larry David-esque misfortune, of which ED can only be bothered to print the first:
"When I was in College, I landed a date with this outstanding looking girl. The only problem was I worked this terrible night security job at Car Lot. So of course realizing the girl was more important than the job I called in and having used up my many I am sick routines in the past, I made the oh so obvious and callous move to informing that my dear gran had passed away. They of course being kind were saddened and gave me the night off. First off the date was terrible, the girl although being good looking was boring as hell and had nothing at all to talk about, ah well worth the risk I thought. The next day being Saturday I was sitting in the kitchen eating when someone came to the door. Gran answered it and it was two bouquets of flowers being delivered by the secretary of my work. I lost the job and gran didn't speak to me for a few weeks and my mom just kind of scowled at me for months after.
Today - Make up a story. Just pluck it out of thin air and bung it on the message board below.
'SEE YOU IN COURT' OF THE DAY: In yesterday's edition Early Doors was comparing the Norwegian Manchester United fans, not Daniel Levy, to Larry David. It didn't even occur to ED that Levy was Jewish, which may make it an idiot but not an anti-Semite.
FANTASY PREMIER LEAGUE PLUG OF THE DAY: It's here, join it. OK?
Why don't we stop all this insulting eachother and do the quiz again or summit, but please stop with the insults cos its just getting annoying!
From claire881 on Thu Jul 24 05:27PMOne Art, I find most men get impressed by women flash their t!ts, even if they look like dogs!
From claire881 on Thu Jul 24 05:30PMAnswer to my question how many things does a woman have to do to impress a man ?
Two. 1) Turn up naked, 2) Bring food
I seem to have caught up with everyone on page 22 is any body still here ?
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 05:32PMDid anybody ever watch Jonathan Creek. Great show. do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do DOOOOOOOOOOOO.
From samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 05:34PMI find a smile does the trick for me. no tits required. Im not shallow.
From samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 05:35PMNice to see you were paying attention who was three pages behind the programme Claire
I did say to impress a man rather than a plonker you are right when referring to the latter
Question os there a difference between a man and a plonker may be that is what we are here to debate ?
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 05:39PMI wonder if we could all get through a day on ED without using one swear word.just a little social experiment. I bet you we couldn't. we're a vulgar lot.
From samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 05:40PMim just noticing how gay i look in my avatar. A rent boy or sommit.I can honestly say i've never come over a little queer.
From samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 05:41PM644. That is probably why you are staking shelves at Tesco's and not riding the waves on the Mediteranian
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 05:41PMart
i've never worked in a supermarket.From samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 05:43PMSuck is not a swear word any way all the swear words are automatically deleted even when they are innocent like S @#$% H O R P E United
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 05:44PMYeah I used to watch Johnathan Creek, got the complete box set at Christmas, really good, my favourite episode was when they found that 'alien'!
From claire881 on Thu Jul 24 05:46PMYesterday you were defending working in Tesco's now you are saying you are not a shelf stacker and your wearing the kind of hat I would expect to see someone wearing in gay bar, whatever next rainbow hair ?
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 05:49PMBack to Trivia what is the Capital City of Bulgaria ?
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 05:50PMWhat was that episode claire with the alien. You know u tube, its just about the best thing on the internet.For example you can watch full re runs of jonathan creek-all the old classics. You know all this im sure. what was that episode called claire?
From samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 05:51PMSofia
From claire881 on Thu Jul 24 05:51PMI can't remember what the episode was called, give me a minute and I'll go and check...
From claire881 on Thu Jul 24 05:52PMThe obvious flaw in the men have never walked on the moon argument is if not why did the Russians not say something at the time ?
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 05:53PMIts called the omega man, its on series 3 and its really good!
From claire881 on Thu Jul 24 05:55PMWell done Claire your question ? ( Unlees you got some help from Gob pronounced Job
)From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 05:56PMActually i didn't know thatyou could watch full reruns of episodes on you tube, are there other things you can watch, full episodes of?
From claire881 on Thu Jul 24 05:57PMrocket man
I don't know where you got this idea that i work in tescos.Theres nothing wrong with menial jobs though. I am qualified up to post graduate level but it doesn't mean i will be able to secure a good job. I might have to slum it in tescos while i get the job im lookng for.This is life my friend. Can we have a discussion about these moon landings now.From samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 06:02PMIn which film does Bill Murray play Herman Blume?
From claire881 on Thu Jul 24 06:04PMArt you shouldn't put down manual or '@#$%' jobs, someone has to do them, or else who would sevre the food in McDonalds or be on the checkout in Tesco?
From claire881 on Thu Jul 24 06:06PMyeah Claire. Go to your yahoo home page.Type in u tube.nothing else.And click on the 1st site.Type in what you wanna watch and it will most likely appear. Remember you'll need to go into the official u tube site.
From samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 06:06PMfirst ever episode of eastenders and things like that. Lots of documentaries aswell.
From samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 06:07PMI thought samuel banks worked in tescoes johannesburg store while he was on holidayat university, there is nothing wrong with working at tescoes or macdonalds it is just a trifle boring and unimaginative making 21,000 buns an hour when you could be working on a sailing boat in my experience
if i got some thing wrong in all that please take offence From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 06:14PMI know aout you tube but I didn't realise there was full episodes, just clips I thought!
From claire881 on Thu Jul 24 06:14PMThe moon landings are suspect.But how many people would have had to have been in on that kind of conspiracy? Admittingly, it would haver been easier to pull off than the 9/11 conspiracies. Watch the movie Capricorn one.It gives you real insight into how easy it would have been. NASA and the government can not be trusted. Watergate-enough said.
From samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 06:15PMYeah but Art its not everyone who can get a job on a sailing boat, I for one wouldn't want one as I am scared of the sea, well more appropriately the stuff in!
From claire881 on Thu Jul 24 06:18PM
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