Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Early Doors

Help The Aged

Thu Jul 24 09:00AM

Have Help The Aged got nothing better to do than dispute the claim that footballers over the age of 30 are not likely to improve much?

The codger-friendly charity have weighed into the debate on whether Chelsea are too old to win the title, with a clearly very bored spokesperson taking issue with Alex Ferguson's (pictured above, possibly at a bus stop) claim that Big Phil's side are a bit past it.

"In 2008, age is no longer an acceptable yardstick to measure a person's worth ot potential. There's a lot to be said for experience," said Kate Jopling.

"People should never be written off because of their age. Ageist attitudes such as this should always be handed the red card."

ED knows there is a school of thought that claims any publicity is good publicity, and without these fatuous remarks Help The Aged would not be on the back page of The Sun.

But, while it is one thing to increase awareness, it is quite another to increase awareness of how staggeringly ill-informed you are.

Early Doors pre-empted the age debate on Monday by claiming that it wasn't a factor in football.

Following Help The Aged's implication that Chelsea should bring back Chopper Harris and Robert Fleck, ED is starting to think that such a view is as far-fetched as Anne Darwin telling her children that their father was dead.

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Next up on officially the slowest news day of the year is Carlos Tevez's claim that Cristiano Ronaldo should be allowed to go to Real Madrid if he wants.

Tevez sent shockwaves around Old Trafford with the outrageous claim that: "I understand Cristiano. Every footballer wants to play at Real Madrid. On the other hand, I also think that everyone wants to play for Manchester United."

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And finally on no-news day is the revelation that Manchester United and Portsmouth will continue to take malaria tablets after Kolo Toure contracted the disease.

You see, Toure was in the Ivory when he was bitten by a mosquito, and United and Pompey are also in Africa which clearly, in the mind of the average tabloid, is just one big country.

Never mind that Abidjan is over 3,000 miles from Cape Town, where United played inexplicably award-winning indie-rock band Kaizer Chiefs the other day.

And with that, Early Doors will give up trying to find anything worth talking about and concentrate on the strangely alluring Lisa Burke's weather forecast. A balmy 28 degrees in the south-east, you say?

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QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I can't say I can't wait to finish, but I'm looking forward to finishing and everything that goes with it. The only thing I will definitely miss is the football. The general life of a footballer is not for me I guess. People are just very invasive and are always wanting to know what you are going to do." Paul Scholes demonstrates the eloquence we are denied by his refusal to grant interviews. And also explains why he is unlikely to be pictured in a Los Angeles boutique wearing skimpy metallic shorts any time soon.

FOREIGN VIEW: There's no news either in Spain, where Real Madrid have denied a made-up transfer rumour. They don't want to sign Samuel Eto'o, according to Marca.

FEEDBACK OF THE DAY: Comment at the bottom of the 'Knife raid at Heskey house' from some bloke called karlbillo: "Heskey should know all about daylight robbery with Liverpool having spent £11 million on his services."

SONIA C hit back by claiming that the robbers "need removing off the face of the earth", while melaniejhutton put the sniggering likes of ED firmly in their place with this riposte: "The less sympathetics are idiots who have not been robbed before. I hope they experience this kind of robbery very soon."

TALKING POINT: inkwaster lived up to his/her name with two almost certainly fictitious stories of Larry David-esque misfortune, of which ED can only be bothered to print the first:

"When I was in College, I landed a date with this outstanding looking girl. The only problem was I worked this terrible night security job at Car Lot. So of course realizing the girl was more important than the job I called in and having used up my many I am sick routines in the past, I made the oh so obvious and callous move to informing that my dear gran had passed away. They of course being kind were saddened and gave me the night off. First off the date was terrible, the girl although being good looking was boring as hell and had nothing at all to talk about, ah well worth the risk I thought. The next day being Saturday I was sitting in the kitchen eating when someone came to the door. Gran answered it and it was two bouquets of flowers being delivered by the secretary of my work. I lost the job and gran didn't speak to me for a few weeks and my mom just kind of scowled at me for months after.

Today - Make up a story. Just pluck it out of thin air and bung it on the message board below.

'SEE YOU IN COURT' OF THE DAY: In yesterday's edition Early Doors was comparing the Norwegian Manchester United fans, not Daniel Levy, to Larry David. It didn't even occur to ED that Levy was Jewish, which may make it an idiot but not an anti-Semite.

FANTASY PREMIER LEAGUE PLUG OF THE DAY: It's here, join it. OK?

  1. so did i claire.U tube is full of alot of tosh. Full of cheap homemade rip offs. But there is alot of good stuff. Type in Jonathan creek and you'll get most of the episodes. I think i might have outgrown it now. It hasn't been on for over 4 years.Liked it when i was about 15/16.

    samuelbanksFrom samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 06:18PM

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  2. what a sh-it day ive had and tomorrow dont look any better, lunchtime tomorrow maybe i be back, i see i missed another jude war

    roxydgurlFrom roxydgurl on Thu Jul 24 06:20PM

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  3. Hey roxy!
    Samuel: I like it when I was that age as well when I watched, or there abouts. Still love it though, when I got the boxset I watched it all in about 2 weeks constantly till it was all done!

    claire881From claire881 on Thu Jul 24 06:24PM

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  4. Does any body know of a horror film that is really really disturbing.Not scary, but disturbing.

    samuelbanksFrom samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 06:24PM

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  5. Mmm I am a little bit lonely these days... said Bill Murray as Herman Blume in Rushmore 1998 :-)

    I am off to get some chalice water now so where am I going ?

    Answer will be posted either late tonight when I get back or in the morning :-)

    Samuel banks lots of people walked on the moon between 1969 and 1973 the only way to prove it is to go and look at the evidence they left behind, which includes several landing bases a hand full of footprints and wheel tracks and a couple of Lunar Rovers :-)

    If the Yanks had faked it Leonid Brezhnev, Yuri Andropov, Konstantin Chernenko, Mikhail Gorbachev, Boris Yeltsin and Putin would not have hesitated to produce evidence to the contrary.

    arttidescoFrom arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 06:25PM

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  6. There was no 911 conspiracy so far as the government did not demolish building 7. Watergate did happen the evidence says so The Capricorn One scenario just show's how guliible Amerikans (no offence Roxy) are they cannot see beyond their own borders but if the Yanks tried to fake a trip to Mars the Russians, Chinese, Japanese, and most European nations would no immediately:-)

    arttidescoFrom arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 06:31PM

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  7. Any way I am off for a drive in my car :-)

    Its quite nice, but it is not a Jaguar :-)

    etc etc have a lovely evening :-)

    arttidescoFrom arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 06:32PM

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  8. good point art.It seems to be just the Americans who doubt it ever happened.The moon is only 250,000 miles away after all.In the context of space, its right on our door step. Mars is just at the bottom of our garden, and the edge of our solar system is just down the road.

    samuelbanksFrom samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 06:33PM

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  9. Nikyates.How weird are you.Obsessed is not the word. Find somone else to fantascise about. What did i say to you to make you so bitter.I hurt your we feelingS so bad.Its so obvious. i embarassed you a few months back, so what.Live with it. Well done for being able to spell.Learn to string sentences together though.knat.

    samuelbanksFrom samuelbanks on Thu Jul 24 08:12PM

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  10. Just before I get on a bus.
    Kantong Wokster read page 388 of the Compact Oxford English Dictionary. You are wrong and like George Bush don't admit your mistakes or trashy smears. With an attitude like yours, you'd never last the 3 month trail period for any decent organisation .
    Some of you are losing me on this Americans on the moon denial. The next is that you'll be telling me Elizabeth II is the centre of a vast worldwide financial conspiracy. Believe there are people who are convinced of this.
    By the way, Alex Ferguson will retire and declare the Last Days when the number 666 becomes visible through his thinning hair.

    james_ssmithFrom james_ssmith on Thu Jul 24 09:17PM

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  11. watch out for that bus, James - :o
    You are very much like my own cat - when you get your claws out, you're quite a nasty little beast. ;)
    Actually, James, I work for a very large organisation, and we observe certain rules in regards to the particular spelling of words, titles, etc., So no, I'm not wrong. And I can assure you I have been working here a long time already, (well past the trials) - would you like to try your luck at a trial period here perhaps? You can be my intern and make me coffee while I read Early Doors in the morning if you like.
    Of course, according to Oxford - you can use the word unfocussed. I should have been so much more specific. I find it ironic that you enjoy to point out that your "organisation" would not employ any of us because we were "unfocussed" - when in fact no reputable international organisation would use that particular spelling in any official document or correspondence. We use the word 'focused'. But then I guess that is too much irony for one cat; and in any case I'm not very inbterested in discussihg etymology with you to be honest.
    As for my attitude - I do believe you have quite an attitude yourself pussycat, so I am in no way apologetic. You dictate to people on here in your imperiously haughty manner using indecipherable words to intimidate people. I guess this makes you feel clever and superior in your own little way - but in fact it just makes you seem pretentious and arrogant. What right do you have to tell people to post or not post - and what they post? If people want to tell jokes on here - so what? If you dont like what you read, skip over and move on! Thats what tolerance is all about after all... ;)

    kantong_woksterFrom kantong_wokster on Thu Jul 24 10:40PM

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  12. Maybe we should just report all animal avatars as abusive :-)

    After all there is a cow corner specifically for animals :-)

    Miao go 4 it Kantong Sam shoe the kat out of here along with the lizard, frog, david icke things, the cow and the part time dog :-)

    This is an international blog of repute not a farm yard in Scunthorpe !

    arttidescoFrom arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 11:06PM

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  13. Ever get the feeling peeps are getting a tad possessive about ED ?

    arttidescoFrom arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 11:08PM

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  14. hi artti - how are things?

    dont get me wrong - Im an animal lover in general ;) I had a baby kangaroo when I was growing up that I used to feed with a baby's bottle, a pet yabbie (an australian lobster) a dog and I now have a cat. I generally love all animals big and small :)

    kantong_woksterFrom kantong_wokster on Thu Jul 24 11:15PM

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  15. Fab thanks Kantong Sam just been for a drive out to Glastobury Tor :-)

    I am not suggesting you do not like animals I am just suggesting animal avatars go and find another trough to feed in :-)

    arttidescoFrom arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 11:17PM

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  16. What happening en francais ? You can answer in English or German :-)

    arttidescoFrom arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 11:18PM

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  17. aha; the home of Gwyn ap Nudd; king of the fairies, hey?

    How was it?

    kantong_woksterFrom kantong_wokster on Thu Jul 24 11:19PM

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  18. haha - I wish I could speak German! Unfortunately I am only fluent in French and Australian sign language (yes bizarre I know). Actually - I'd love to learn Chinese...

    and as for whats happening? I'm procrastinating as I am supposed to be doing some writing at the moment; however I am somewhat devoid of inspiration tonight. Nothing a good nights sleep wont fix I would imagine...

    kantong_woksterFrom kantong_wokster on Thu Jul 24 11:22PM

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  19. Very relaxing a tad windy with the usual assortment of spliff toting hippies with drums guitars Harley D's and VW camper vans :-)

    Just nice to get out into the country and get a whiff of only mildly nuked air :-)

    arttidescoFrom arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 11:23PM

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  20. Alas no faries tonight :-(

    arttidescoFrom arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 11:24PM

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  21. that should be bewitchin hour :-) doh !

    arttidescoFrom arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 11:25PM

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  22. ;) i get you - Im glad you had a nice time Ralph! I cant wait to go home soon and have some time to myself to go fishing and out "walkabout"! I need some country air myself..

    Well I must be heading off to bed - I wish you a great night! à demain!

    kantong_woksterFrom kantong_wokster on Thu Jul 24 11:28PM

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  23. and yes its well past the bewitching hour - but I am an incurable insomniac! ;)

    kantong_woksterFrom kantong_wokster on Thu Jul 24 11:31PM

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  24. Sleep well :-)

    arttidescoFrom arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 11:32PM

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  25. merci! ciao :)

    kantong_woksterFrom kantong_wokster on Thu Jul 24 11:33PM

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  26. Luego :-)

    arttidescoFrom arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 11:33PM

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  27. OMG how low does one have to hang ones head in shame when ones team cannot beat the f(explitive)g MLS All Stars most of who's players no one has ever heard of and would have trouble making the starting line up at Luton Town ?

    Micheal Ballack WHUFC needs you now !

    arttidescoFrom arttidesco on Fri Jul 25 08:29AM

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