Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Help The Aged

Thu Jul 24 09:00AM

Have Help The Aged got nothing better to do than dispute the claim that footballers over the age of 30 are not likely to improve much?

The codger-friendly charity have weighed into the debate on whether Chelsea are too old to win the title, with a clearly very bored spokesperson taking issue with Alex Ferguson's (pictured above, possibly at a bus stop) claim that Big Phil's side are a bit past it.

"In 2008, age is no longer an acceptable yardstick to measure a person's worth ot potential. There's a lot to be said for experience," said Kate Jopling.

"People should never be written off because of their age. Ageist attitudes such as this should always be handed the red card."

ED knows there is a school of thought that claims any publicity is good publicity, and without these fatuous remarks Help The Aged would not be on the back page of The Sun.

But, while it is one thing to increase awareness, it is quite another to increase awareness of how staggeringly ill-informed you are.

Early Doors pre-empted the age debate on Monday by claiming that it wasn't a factor in football.

Following Help The Aged's implication that Chelsea should bring back Chopper Harris and Robert Fleck, ED is starting to think that such a view is as far-fetched as Anne Darwin telling her children that their father was dead.

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Next up on officially the slowest news day of the year is Carlos Tevez's claim that Cristiano Ronaldo should be allowed to go to Real Madrid if he wants.

Tevez sent shockwaves around Old Trafford with the outrageous claim that: "I understand Cristiano. Every footballer wants to play at Real Madrid. On the other hand, I also think that everyone wants to play for Manchester United."

- - -

And finally on no-news day is the revelation that Manchester United and Portsmouth will continue to take malaria tablets after Kolo Toure contracted the disease.

You see, Toure was in the Ivory when he was bitten by a mosquito, and United and Pompey are also in Africa which clearly, in the mind of the average tabloid, is just one big country.

Never mind that Abidjan is over 3,000 miles from Cape Town, where United played inexplicably award-winning indie-rock band Kaizer Chiefs the other day.

And with that, Early Doors will give up trying to find anything worth talking about and concentrate on the strangely alluring Lisa Burke's weather forecast. A balmy 28 degrees in the south-east, you say?

- - -

QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I can't say I can't wait to finish, but I'm looking forward to finishing and everything that goes with it. The only thing I will definitely miss is the football. The general life of a footballer is not for me I guess. People are just very invasive and are always wanting to know what you are going to do." Paul Scholes demonstrates the eloquence we are denied by his refusal to grant interviews. And also explains why he is unlikely to be pictured in a Los Angeles boutique wearing skimpy metallic shorts any time soon.

FOREIGN VIEW: There's no news either in Spain, where Real Madrid have denied a made-up transfer rumour. They don't want to sign Samuel Eto'o, according to Marca.

FEEDBACK OF THE DAY: Comment at the bottom of the 'Knife raid at Heskey house' from some bloke called karlbillo: "Heskey should know all about daylight robbery with Liverpool having spent £11 million on his services."

SONIA C hit back by claiming that the robbers "need removing off the face of the earth", while melaniejhutton put the sniggering likes of ED firmly in their place with this riposte: "The less sympathetics are idiots who have not been robbed before. I hope they experience this kind of robbery very soon."

TALKING POINT: inkwaster lived up to his/her name with two almost certainly fictitious stories of Larry David-esque misfortune, of which ED can only be bothered to print the first:

"When I was in College, I landed a date with this outstanding looking girl. The only problem was I worked this terrible night security job at Car Lot. So of course realizing the girl was more important than the job I called in and having used up my many I am sick routines in the past, I made the oh so obvious and callous move to informing that my dear gran had passed away. They of course being kind were saddened and gave me the night off. First off the date was terrible, the girl although being good looking was boring as hell and had nothing at all to talk about, ah well worth the risk I thought. The next day being Saturday I was sitting in the kitchen eating when someone came to the door. Gran answered it and it was two bouquets of flowers being delivered by the secretary of my work. I lost the job and gran didn't speak to me for a few weeks and my mom just kind of scowled at me for months after.

Today - Make up a story. Just pluck it out of thin air and bung it on the message board below.

'SEE YOU IN COURT' OF THE DAY: In yesterday's edition Early Doors was comparing the Norwegian Manchester United fans, not Daniel Levy, to Larry David. It didn't even occur to ED that Levy was Jewish, which may make it an idiot but not an anti-Semite.

FANTASY PREMIER LEAGUE PLUG OF THE DAY: It's here, join it. OK?

Comments31 - 60 of 507
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I hope Fergie has his bus pass with him in that picture. If he hasn't got one maybe Help the Aged will agitate on his behalf. So FERGIE DENIED PENSIONER RIGHTS!! on the back of the Sun.
If we're going to have Chopper Harris we've got to have Norman (Bites yer legs) Hunter. That'll sort the boutique owners out from the pub landlords.
From james_ssmith on Thu Jul 24 09:44AM
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morning folks.
euan, bad news. weve sold hunty for 600k to reading.
deal rises to 1m after appearances tho.
we will miss him but hopefully the strikers levein has brought in will do the business.
From marcgrant7 on Thu Jul 24 09:45AM
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theres a skill to google???
From andyc147 on Thu Jul 24 09:46AM
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can we try a quiz perhapd where its not just football cos some of the questions are getting ridiculous and google is becoming a necessity!
From claire881 on Thu Jul 24 09:46AM
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Claire you really would make an excellent PM I afre Help the Aged is an oxymoron if your a non ageist
How are the Celtic Communist PArty funds looking today ?
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 09:46AM
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ask me a football question i bet i can answer it in seconds
From risker15 on Thu Jul 24 09:48AM
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Excellent Picture~~~
From vitorlam on Thu Jul 24 09:48AM
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News Flash!! !!!News Flash!! !!!News Flash!!!!!
Man Utd have filled there vacant assistant manager job
From stroke182181 on Thu Jul 24 09:49AM
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Claire, i reckon its bcoz the young dont need viagra, or any one to pass them their beer. but your one line is funnier than edz total effort today
From lifeisblu on Thu Jul 24 09:51AM
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heres a talking point seeing as ED couldn't give a rats!
favourite captain??
i'm going for Captain Pugwash! that show was class
From andyc147 on Thu Jul 24 09:51AM
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claire, i would not mess with the hodge-podge of soccer-moms, metrosexuals, trannies and hair-stylists that follow david beckham here in north america, no matter how crazy they make hammer heads look in "green street hooligans".
From jcpotvin on Thu Jul 24 09:53AM
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wats rong witchu artti? your story looks 2 long and therefore2 uninteresting to read. a bit like the history of Everton fc
From lifeisblu on Thu Jul 24 09:53AM
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Awrite Marc.
Yeah I saw it on Utd's homepage.
I'm looking on the brightside, he only cost 50k when he was average 2 years ago, Levein has transformed him into one of the best in the SPL and sold him for 12 times his original price!
We've got Sandanza, Feeny, Flood this season. Not to mention the young lads (Goodwillie, Robertson, Robertson, Adrioni to name a few) who are one or two years older than when they were hailed as the next big thing so it's not like when Robson left, or if you cast your mind back to 1999 when Dodds left and we went from 3rd place to finishing 8th.
Chin up Marc. Come Saturday yuo'll have forgotten all about him!
From euansutherland1 on Thu Jul 24 09:53AM
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I see West Ham are taking a softly softly approach to signing Ballack by anouncing they have signed Switzerland international Valon Behrami
The next question is to be set by David Graham 63
The last question was about which cup Vitafoam United won in 1981 Clare
I love Captain Beefheart Euan
Emboss me !
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 09:54AM
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arttidesco that is mind-blowingly tedious.
From james_ssmith on Thu Jul 24 09:54AM
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Chelsea might keep a few more clean sheets with Chopper Harris back in the squad
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 09:56AM
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I've got his 'Strictly Personal' album arti. One of my favourites.
I love the psychdelic nature of the lyrics.
'Safe as milk'???
From euansutherland1 on Thu Jul 24 09:56AM
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in 06 the mls had their all-stars play chelsea, last year it was celtic, now they've decided to play ... west ham? the tenth best side in england is not exactly a glittering matchup, one more in a long reason why football in america will always be soccer.
From jcpotvin on Thu Jul 24 09:56AM
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think we ra in for the times when every player wants to play for madrid.
where is barney?
From milesandy73 on Thu Jul 24 09:57AM
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claire is barney
From andyc147 on Thu Jul 24 09:59AM
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Make up a story! Give me some spare time later today and I'll come up with something even more sporific than arttidesco. What are you on, man?
Here's a quiz. One of these statements is a total pork pie. You can be abusive as you like, if you like.
1) I disarmed an drunken American GI in an hotel in Cairo.
2) I shared a girlfriend with a Guiness heir.
3) jude_surf is my natural son.
4) I had shot for 4 runs denied due to the intervention by a camel.
5) A Libyan police chief threatened to jail me for writing poems.
6) Denis Nielsen invited me back to his place for a cup of tea.
From james_ssmith on Thu Jul 24 10:02AM
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yeah ur prob right, it is a good bit of business for the club.
i liked huntys work rate but levien demands that off all the players so we should be awrite.
yeh, when hunty first came to us i didnae think he was any good, but fair play to the lad and credit to levien. lets hope he does the same with the likes of andreoni, davie robertson etc. plus weve got danny swanson, he's pure magic!
From marcgrant7 on Thu Jul 24 10:04AM
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Thank you lifeisblu, how very kind!
Art: I'm afraid the funds are a tad low, I accidentally bought shoes!
From claire881 on Thu Jul 24 10:05AM
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ron harris and vinnie jones back in chelsea would be sheer class. we could put dennis'the menace' wise on the sidelines to give the refs a mouthful for 'unfairly' sending off the above two. I wonder if rom wd consider signing fashanu upfront just for good measure?!
From lifeisblu on Thu Jul 24 10:06AM
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claire now barney and u are all here quizing ronaldo about wanting to be a hollywood star
From milesandy73 on Thu Jul 24 10:07AM
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*soporific. When will I learn to type?
From james_ssmith on Thu Jul 24 10:07AM
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lADIES AND GENTS, we seriously need a talking point today coz ED'S gone off its thinking rails. some one suggest summin please, even jude_surf!!
From lifeisblu on Thu Jul 24 10:10AM
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no offence to ameican football but the mls all stars could be drawn against hull and still lose who is there anyway at the starting XI apart from becks
From risker15 on Thu Jul 24 10:11AM
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smith ,go to high school
From milesandy73 on Thu Jul 24 10:12AM
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I 'll have to check out Strictly Personall Euan, highly recommend Bongo Fury was listening to it yesterday driving across England
James the only true one must be sharing a girlfriend with a guinness hair that the kind of thing lesbians do
Shame the Denis Nielsen story is not true
Miaow !
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 10:13AM
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