Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Help The Aged

Thu Jul 24 09:00AM

Have Help The Aged got nothing better to do than dispute the claim that footballers over the age of 30 are not likely to improve much?

The codger-friendly charity have weighed into the debate on whether Chelsea are too old to win the title, with a clearly very bored spokesperson taking issue with Alex Ferguson's (pictured above, possibly at a bus stop) claim that Big Phil's side are a bit past it.

"In 2008, age is no longer an acceptable yardstick to measure a person's worth ot potential. There's a lot to be said for experience," said Kate Jopling.

"People should never be written off because of their age. Ageist attitudes such as this should always be handed the red card."

ED knows there is a school of thought that claims any publicity is good publicity, and without these fatuous remarks Help The Aged would not be on the back page of The Sun.

But, while it is one thing to increase awareness, it is quite another to increase awareness of how staggeringly ill-informed you are.

Early Doors pre-empted the age debate on Monday by claiming that it wasn't a factor in football.

Following Help The Aged's implication that Chelsea should bring back Chopper Harris and Robert Fleck, ED is starting to think that such a view is as far-fetched as Anne Darwin telling her children that their father was dead.

- - -

Next up on officially the slowest news day of the year is Carlos Tevez's claim that Cristiano Ronaldo should be allowed to go to Real Madrid if he wants.

Tevez sent shockwaves around Old Trafford with the outrageous claim that: "I understand Cristiano. Every footballer wants to play at Real Madrid. On the other hand, I also think that everyone wants to play for Manchester United."

- - -

And finally on no-news day is the revelation that Manchester United and Portsmouth will continue to take malaria tablets after Kolo Toure contracted the disease.

You see, Toure was in the Ivory when he was bitten by a mosquito, and United and Pompey are also in Africa which clearly, in the mind of the average tabloid, is just one big country.

Never mind that Abidjan is over 3,000 miles from Cape Town, where United played inexplicably award-winning indie-rock band Kaizer Chiefs the other day.

And with that, Early Doors will give up trying to find anything worth talking about and concentrate on the strangely alluring Lisa Burke's weather forecast. A balmy 28 degrees in the south-east, you say?

- - -

QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I can't say I can't wait to finish, but I'm looking forward to finishing and everything that goes with it. The only thing I will definitely miss is the football. The general life of a footballer is not for me I guess. People are just very invasive and are always wanting to know what you are going to do." Paul Scholes demonstrates the eloquence we are denied by his refusal to grant interviews. And also explains why he is unlikely to be pictured in a Los Angeles boutique wearing skimpy metallic shorts any time soon.

FOREIGN VIEW: There's no news either in Spain, where Real Madrid have denied a made-up transfer rumour. They don't want to sign Samuel Eto'o, according to Marca.

FEEDBACK OF THE DAY: Comment at the bottom of the 'Knife raid at Heskey house' from some bloke called karlbillo: "Heskey should know all about daylight robbery with Liverpool having spent £11 million on his services."

SONIA C hit back by claiming that the robbers "need removing off the face of the earth", while melaniejhutton put the sniggering likes of ED firmly in their place with this riposte: "The less sympathetics are idiots who have not been robbed before. I hope they experience this kind of robbery very soon."

TALKING POINT: inkwaster lived up to his/her name with two almost certainly fictitious stories of Larry David-esque misfortune, of which ED can only be bothered to print the first:

"When I was in College, I landed a date with this outstanding looking girl. The only problem was I worked this terrible night security job at Car Lot. So of course realizing the girl was more important than the job I called in and having used up my many I am sick routines in the past, I made the oh so obvious and callous move to informing that my dear gran had passed away. They of course being kind were saddened and gave me the night off. First off the date was terrible, the girl although being good looking was boring as hell and had nothing at all to talk about, ah well worth the risk I thought. The next day being Saturday I was sitting in the kitchen eating when someone came to the door. Gran answered it and it was two bouquets of flowers being delivered by the secretary of my work. I lost the job and gran didn't speak to me for a few weeks and my mom just kind of scowled at me for months after.

Today - Make up a story. Just pluck it out of thin air and bung it on the message board below.

'SEE YOU IN COURT' OF THE DAY: In yesterday's edition Early Doors was comparing the Norwegian Manchester United fans, not Daniel Levy, to Larry David. It didn't even occur to ED that Levy was Jewish, which may make it an idiot but not an anti-Semite.

FANTASY PREMIER LEAGUE PLUG OF THE DAY: It's here, join it. OK?

Comments61 - 90 of 507
First
Previous
1
2
3
4
5
6
Next
Last

ha ED you make my day. cant wait for when IT returns tommorow.
From kaggwa2000 on Thu Jul 24 10:14AM
Report abuse
y eat my comment ed
are u a vampire
From milesandy73 on Thu Jul 24 10:15AM
Report abuse
the end
From risker15 on Thu Jul 24 10:16AM
Report abuse
Who is Barney?
Art: Wtf Vitafoam United? Who the @#$% are they? Talk about obscure!
My favourite Captain is Captain James T Kirk! Gotta love William Shatner!
From claire881 on Thu Jul 24 10:16AM
Report abuse
Does Gob pronounced Jobe eat frozen shoes & mice Claire ?
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 10:16AM
Report abuse
With all the other premiership clubs winning by cricket scores against weak opposition I hope West Ham manages to at least score tonight
Not sure how long we can wait before signing Ballack
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 10:18AM
Report abuse
I just finished reading the Denis Nilsen book 'Killing for company' I would recommend it.
He wasn't such a bad guy you know.
From euansutherland1 on Thu Jul 24 10:19AM
Report abuse
does the transfer windo close at the end of july or august?
From roxydgurl on Thu Jul 24 10:20AM
Report abuse
claire, i hope you didn't trip and fall, get up, only to find somewhere along the way you bought a pair of shoes. that's quite something, like a car wreck, but with footwear. i'm hoping to accidentally buy the new liverpool kit, but despite a number of spills, i keep waking up with the same shirt.
arti, behrami is so good, he kept liverpool free transfer phil "pipo" deggen on the bench at the euros. his hair has some excellent frosting, which if the bbc ever picks up the option for "milkshakes with curbishley", will make it a much more marketable crowd to the young hip, yugoslavian community in east london.
From jcpotvin on Thu Jul 24 10:22AM
Report abuse
This is actually a true story.
My house got burgled on a Sunday when I was visiting friends back home. I later found out that one of my housemates was in the house when I got burgled, but despite hearing noises and voices, decided to stay put in bed, even though he was the only one inside the house. In the end, I had to miss a trip to Morocco for my university project, as well as replace an expensive laptop and redo all my work.
To take my mind off it, I want out the next night with some friends, who all paid for my drinks and got my drunk. As the night wore on, I saw this girl, who, after dancing with, seemed like she fancied a slice of action. She wasn't particularly fit, though she did like food, leaving me to think that it was going to be a piece of cake to pull. That seemed to be the way, when he said she was having a party at her friends house in New York (a council estate built in the 1970s near Washington/Sunderland/Newcastle). Her friends were a former 18-year old smackhead who looked about 40 and hadn't been to school since he was 8 and a paraplegic who was always kicking off and creating trouble.
We went back to Wasington, where I found out we couldn't have a room to ourselves, meaning no sex. To make matters worse, everyone was to drunk to carry the paraplegic girl upstairs. I volunteered, and found myself sharing a cold, hard, wooden floor with a fat @#$% and a cripple in the bed next to me. To make matters even worse, by the time we were about to actually go to sleep, I realized that I should be fling out to Morocco.
From fistfullofvisas on Thu Jul 24 10:22AM
Report abuse
Art look closer only ONE of james's list was a LIE.
Captain Birdseye for me.
From some_steam on Thu Jul 24 10:22AM
Report abuse
Watch out for Di Santo this season - Chelsea's new YOUNG striker. You heard it here first (or possibly somewhere else).
From michelangeloindeed on Thu Jul 24 10:23AM
Report abuse
I agree that Vitafoam United is obscure Claire but with Man Utd playing the Kaiser Chiefs and Chelski playing Guangzhou Pharmaceutical I thought it might be topical to do my bit to bring international recognition to that fabulous footballing nation Zambia
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 10:24AM
Report abuse
would recommend the arsenal board sacked arsene wenger cos hes more of a coach than a manag
er
From milesandy73 on Thu Jul 24 10:26AM
Report abuse
would recommend the arsenal board sacked arsene wenger cos hes more of a coach than a manag
er
From milesandy73 on Thu Jul 24 10:26AM
Report abuse
would recommend the arsenal board sacked arsene wenger cos hes more of a coach than a manag
er
From milesandy73 on Thu Jul 24 10:26AM
Report abuse
i recomend that if wenger doesnt bring in anybody and thinks he can cope with players like denilson in the first squad then u can sack him
From risker15 on Thu Jul 24 10:28AM
Report abuse
why pharmaceutical are there sponsors a bunch of doctors
From risker15 on Thu Jul 24 10:29AM
Report abuse
Chelski are using young players only as bench warmers except Ballack cause he knocked Big Phil out of Euro 2008
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 10:29AM
Report abuse
sorry for the repeatition
From milesandy73 on Thu Jul 24 10:31AM
Report abuse
Looks like some folk here think Wenger is a gooner
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 10:31AM
Report abuse
MOOOOOHH! MOOOOOHH!
From cowers.corner on Thu Jul 24 10:32AM
Report abuse
risker, it's not a matter of who they could beat, it's a matter of bringing over an opponent that will spark some interest in the media, someone with a champions league pedigree perhaps? it's an exhibition, and as such, none of the sides they bring in care if they win, wouldn't be surprised if they help out the mls squad a little. there's definitely nothing too seriously to be taken from the results, it's just a matter of making the sport somewhat relevant in this country, so the cost of watching it on television doesn't have a monthly cost similar to some of my utility bills.
the best xi mls players could all probably all play in the top flights of europe, but any team that played with that straight squad would get relegated. the level of defending in the mls is titus-sized terrible, which would make it impossible for a back line like that to survive, even in league two.
From jcpotvin on Thu Jul 24 10:32AM
Report abuse
MOOOOOHH! MOOOOOHH!
From cowers.corner on Thu Jul 24 10:32AM
Report abuse
MOOOOOHH! MOOOOOHH!
From cowers.corner on Thu Jul 24 10:32AM
Report abuse
MOOOOOHH! MOOOOOHH!
From cowers.corner on Thu Jul 24 10:32AM
Report abuse
MOOOOOHH! MOOOOOHH!
From cowers.corner on Thu Jul 24 10:32AM
Report abuse
MOOOOOHH! MOOOOOHH!
From cowers.corner on Thu Jul 24 10:32AM
Report abuse
MOOOOOHH! MOOOOOHH!
From cowers.corner on Thu Jul 24 10:32AM
Report abuse
MOOOOOHH! MOOOOOHH!
From cowers.corner on Thu Jul 24 10:32AM
Report abuse