Help The Aged
Thu Jul 24 09:00AM
Have Help The Aged got nothing better to do than dispute the claim that footballers over the age of 30 are not likely to improve much?
The codger-friendly charity have weighed into the debate on whether Chelsea are too old to win the title, with a clearly very bored spokesperson taking issue with Alex Ferguson's (pictured above, possibly at a bus stop) claim that Big Phil's side are a bit past it.
"In 2008, age is no longer an acceptable yardstick to measure a person's worth ot potential. There's a lot to be said for experience," said Kate Jopling.
"People should never be written off because of their age. Ageist attitudes such as this should always be handed the red card."
ED knows there is a school of thought that claims any publicity is good publicity, and without these fatuous remarks Help The Aged would not be on the back page of The Sun.
But, while it is one thing to increase awareness, it is quite another to increase awareness of how staggeringly ill-informed you are.
Early Doors pre-empted the age debate on Monday by claiming that it wasn't a factor in football.
Following Help The Aged's implication that Chelsea should bring back Chopper Harris and Robert Fleck, ED is starting to think that such a view is as far-fetched as Anne Darwin telling her children that their father was dead.
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Next up on officially the slowest news day of the year is Carlos Tevez's claim that Cristiano Ronaldo should be allowed to go to Real Madrid if he wants.
Tevez sent shockwaves around Old Trafford with the outrageous claim that: "I understand Cristiano. Every footballer wants to play at Real Madrid. On the other hand, I also think that everyone wants to play for Manchester United."
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And finally on no-news day is the revelation that Manchester United and Portsmouth will continue to take malaria tablets after Kolo Toure contracted the disease.
You see, Toure was in the Ivory when he was bitten by a mosquito, and United and Pompey are also in Africa which clearly, in the mind of the average tabloid, is just one big country.
Never mind that Abidjan is over 3,000 miles from Cape Town, where United played inexplicably award-winning indie-rock band Kaizer Chiefs the other day.
And with that, Early Doors will give up trying to find anything worth talking about and concentrate on the strangely alluring Lisa Burke's weather forecast. A balmy 28 degrees in the south-east, you say?
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QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I can't say I can't wait to finish, but I'm looking forward to finishing and everything that goes with it. The only thing I will definitely miss is the football. The general life of a footballer is not for me I guess. People are just very invasive and are always wanting to know what you are going to do." Paul Scholes demonstrates the eloquence we are denied by his refusal to grant interviews. And also explains why he is unlikely to be pictured in a Los Angeles boutique wearing skimpy metallic shorts any time soon.
FOREIGN VIEW: There's no news either in Spain, where Real Madrid have denied a made-up transfer rumour. They don't want to sign Samuel Eto'o, according to Marca.
FEEDBACK OF THE DAY: Comment at the bottom of the 'Knife raid at Heskey house' from some bloke called karlbillo: "Heskey should know all about daylight robbery with Liverpool having spent £11 million on his services."
SONIA C hit back by claiming that the robbers "need removing off the face of the earth", while melaniejhutton put the sniggering likes of ED firmly in their place with this riposte: "The less sympathetics are idiots who have not been robbed before. I hope they experience this kind of robbery very soon."
TALKING POINT: inkwaster lived up to his/her name with two almost certainly fictitious stories of Larry David-esque misfortune, of which ED can only be bothered to print the first:
"When I was in College, I landed a date with this outstanding looking girl. The only problem was I worked this terrible night security job at Car Lot. So of course realizing the girl was more important than the job I called in and having used up my many I am sick routines in the past, I made the oh so obvious and callous move to informing that my dear gran had passed away. They of course being kind were saddened and gave me the night off. First off the date was terrible, the girl although being good looking was boring as hell and had nothing at all to talk about, ah well worth the risk I thought. The next day being Saturday I was sitting in the kitchen eating when someone came to the door. Gran answered it and it was two bouquets of flowers being delivered by the secretary of my work. I lost the job and gran didn't speak to me for a few weeks and my mom just kind of scowled at me for months after.
Today - Make up a story. Just pluck it out of thin air and bung it on the message board below.
'SEE YOU IN COURT' OF THE DAY: In yesterday's edition Early Doors was comparing the Norwegian Manchester United fans, not Daniel Levy, to Larry David. It didn't even occur to ED that Levy was Jewish, which may make it an idiot but not an anti-Semite.
FANTASY PREMIER LEAGUE PLUG OF THE DAY: It's here, join it. OK?
risker, it means if titus uncommon was in the league, he would be first choice center back tonight in the showcase match. they have this ridiculous salary cap that only allows for three or four quality players per team, surrounded by a bunch of american college players and part-time amateurs. the beckham move was purely an adidas concoction, the galaxy's gross revenue for the season prior to his signing of 50 million per season, was 25 million. clearly they're not picking up that tab, and he's one of only five mls players who could play at a high level anywhere else, everyone else is looking for a nice place to retire or a second income.
From jcpotvin on Thu Jul 24 10:53AMGrow up
From cowers.corner on Thu Jul 24 10:53AMStop acting like kids
From cowers.corner on Thu Jul 24 10:54AMThat means there is another 5 weeks of this transfer saga mayhem.... another question, when is the deadline for the registration of players names for the champions league...
From some_steam on Thu Jul 24 10:54AMFootball talk I said
From early_door on Thu Jul 24 10:54AMSorry Roxy all I know about the transfer window Roxy is that it closes before the next one opens
Promise despite the German spelling of Moooh! it is not me doing the Cow since it has not started sucking yet I think Mr Rainbow Smurf is out of the picture
Ave Maria and Herr 56 varieties of Heinz are my suspects
risker15 I hope you have a big suitcase
Ballack knocked his new manager out of Euro 2008, he has not gone with Chelski to China for his fix of pharmaceuticals, Ballack is on record saying he is 'not in a hurry to sign for Chelski', Big Phil has made no public statements about Ballacks future, and we know that Ballack likes jellied eels. Big Phil has signed more mid fielders than you can shake a stick at
The only thing keeping Ballack is his age
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 10:54AMAnimals be gone and take the german with you
From early_door on Thu Jul 24 10:55AMjcpotvin a star as usual
From early_door on Thu Jul 24 10:55AMso basicly the only thing that keeps the mls ok is cash wich i supose is the same in all other leagues apart from country's like brazil
From risker15 on Thu Jul 24 10:58AMdunno some_steam but now i think you have all your players but if u sign somebody later he cant play (i think)
From risker15 on Thu Jul 24 10:59AMs-steam, there's no deadline for registration, players are eligible to play at any point providing they are fifa eligible and have not played a champion's league match with another squad (ie. january transfers from big clubs aren't allowed to play for a second team in the ucl)
From jcpotvin on Thu Jul 24 11:00AMyes but he wouldnt go to west ham (no offence)
From risker15 on Thu Jul 24 11:01AMBenefit people get a life
From cowers.corner on Thu Jul 24 11:01AMFootball is not a sport it is a show like american wrestling
From cowers.corner on Thu Jul 24 11:02AMClaire the probable reason why nobody answered you is that your original post was lost in the dross of lizards, cows and god knows what else.
From benmychree2003 on Thu Jul 24 11:02AMWest Ham does not play football - it will make a great cricket pitch
From cowers.corner on Thu Jul 24 11:03AMStay away from our corner and we will stay away from yours
From cowers.corner on Thu Jul 24 11:03AMMOOOOOHH! MOOOOOHH!
From cowers.corner on Thu Jul 24 11:04AMMOOOOOHH! MOOOOOHH!
From cowers.corner on Thu Jul 24 11:04AMMOOOOOHH! MOOOOOHH!
From cowers.corner on Thu Jul 24 11:04AMWhat the @#$% is going on here today?
From richard.ekman on Thu Jul 24 11:05AMcan anybody design a shirt that would not be tugged, as this evil ruins the game. Best i can come up with is one that gives tugger an electric shock, or a patch comes away from the shirt and is stuck to culprits hand. Surely early doors combined brains can crack this problem, and we can watch ronaldo tricking his way past the entire opposition side a couple of times in what i hear will be a chelsea shirt
From edwardsm3 on Thu Jul 24 11:06AMNo quiz?
From richard.ekman on Thu Jul 24 11:06AMRest Assured Ballack will come to West Ham
Why else would they sign a swiss international but to make Big Boy Ballck feel compfy speaking German with a team mate The cow looks like a gone wrong spaniel
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 24 11:06AMI watched most of LA Galaxy v New York Red Bulls yesterday (score 2-2). Played by average players on a plastic pitch, with the ball bouncing around like it was filled with helium. Juan Pablo Angel (ex-Villa) looked like a world beater - not difficult looking at the standard of the league. The analyst gave a number of "keys to winning" which were full of blindingly obvious insights like don't give the ball away, concentrate on high percentage passes, get the ball out wide for crosses, make sure their star player doesn't see much of the ball. The Americans are trying their best, but top quality it ain't.
From benmychree2003 on Thu Jul 24 11:06AMi never thought for one minute arti that you were the meat in a big mac that came to say hello in a very german way before being made into patties
From roxydgurl on Thu Jul 24 11:06AMmy mate once was bored on holiday, so he wiped his backside with all his Dads clean underwear. His dad was not best pleased as you can imagine, having to fork out money for a new pack of y fronts!
From rick7unit on Thu Jul 24 11:07AMthe only hope for the mls is domestic talent. if having a league here can create an atmosphere where some of the better young athletes choose footy over the major sports and come up through the youth ranks, anything is possible. new york, los angeles, chicago, miami ~ these are all big cities that could conceivably support big clubs, providing the owners splashed the cash out to bring in top players to go along with the homegrown talent. no country in the world has more unnecessary sports cathedrals/stadiums than america, whoever is second might as well be 300th, it would blow your mind. the best part of the beckham deal was the money, when people heard they were paying him 50 million, everyone instantly respected him, they like their highest paid athletes around here. kaka could move to the mls for half that and no one here would think it was a big deal, "if he's good, why did he sign for half of what they gave hairdo?" they need the big cities to start throwing money around get people's attention, the facilities and media outlets are already in place.
From jcpotvin on Thu Jul 24 11:09AMarti thats exactly wat i was going to say (no not that ballack will go because of a german speaking team mate)
anyway ballack wouldnt go because have u seen anybody in the last 5 years who has gone to a club for less cash (espiacially ballck who is a world class player who people know well
From risker15 on Thu Jul 24 11:11AMOk who is impersonating my snake so badly that he looks like a lizard? He's brown NOT green!!
Ben: What question did I ask that you were referring to, I've lost it myself!
I'm with you Richard, I want a quiz!
From claire881 on Thu Jul 24 11:17AM
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