Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Early Doors

Jimmy's Browned off

Mon Nov 30 09:02AM

As soon as Jimmy Bullard sat the Hull team down and started giving them a talking-to after he scored his penalty on Saturday, Early Doors pressed the button marked 'Goal celebrations list feature'. So here it is.

Bullard's late goal gave Hull a 1-1 draw at Manchester City, and he aped the same fixture last season when Tigers boss Phil Brown made his players stay on the pitch when 4-0 down at half-time and gave them a rollicking in full public view.

You might think Bullard's take-off was a bit cheeky, particularly as he wasn't even at the club last autumn. But Brown loved it, principally because it was about Phil Brown, even daring to call it "great comedy".

ED isn't sure it would put Bullard up there with Morecambe and Wise or Monty Python, but he is definitely funnier than Michael McIntyre.

FIVE MORE GREAT GOAL CELEBRATIONS

Bernardo Corradi's regal touch (Manchester City, 2006)

It's a good job Bernardo Corradi only scored three goals for Manchester City. In November 2006 he hit the net twice against Fulham, and chose to celebrate by lifting the corner flag out of the ground and 'knighting' Joey Barton with it. The intervening three years have seen Barton's chances of genuine royal honours diminish significantly.

Temuri Ketsbaia goes mad (Newcastle, 1998)

Not so much as goal celebration as criminal damage. Peeved at being left out of the starting XI against Bolton, the Georgian came off the bench, scored, and went postal. He ripped his shirt off and threw it into the crowd, tried and failed to remove a boot, then gave the advertising hoardings a right kicking (we can probably assume he is a Burger King man) as shocked team-mates tried to pull him away.

Paul Gascoigne's dentist's chair (England, 1996)

Not quite so funny now in light of Gazza's descent into alcoholism, but this was possibly the defining moment of lad culture. Having been snapped indulging in a massive booze-up in Hong Kong pre-Euro '96, England marked Gascoigne's brilliant goal against Scotland with an isotonic re-enactment of the infamous 'dentist's chair', and all misdemeanours were instantly forgiven.

Juergen Klinsmann's dive (Tottenham Hotspur, 1994)

Klinsmann's self-deprecating dive to mark his first goal in English football seems a bit cheesy now, but you have to understand just how hated he was when he signed for Spurs. He personified the ruthless, cheating, humourless German stereotype, so it came as quite some surprise when he poked fun at himself. Other Klinsi highlights: driving a VW Beetle and upsetting Alan Sugar by bolting for Bayern Munich.

Craig Bellamy tees off (Liverpool, 2007)

We're still not actually allowed to say that Bellamy's golf club attack on John Arne Riise was anything more than alleged, but the Welshman issued a 'mea culpa' of sorts after scoring against Barcelona in the Champions League a few days later. Riise found Bellamy who found the net, then celebrated with a golf swing that had one foolish bookmaker paying out at odds of 100/1.

AND FIVE RUBBISH ONES

Paolo Di Canio's far-right lunacy (Lazio, 2005)

"I am a fascist, not a racist" was Di Canio's defence after his 'Roman' salute at Lazio fans after scoring against Juventus in 2005. In his autobiography, Di Canio said he would like a 'One to One' with Benito Mussolini. Clown.

Peter Crouch's robot (England, 2006)

The robot was wildly popular with the media (ooh, look at his gangly arms!), yet instantly tiresome. Don't do a celebration because James Corden tells you to.

Lee Sharpe's 'Sharpie shuffle' (Manchester United, numerous occasions)

You're not Roger Milla, and you're certainly not Evlis Presley. Even when he was sitting on the toilet shoving burgers and painkillers into his gob, Elvis had more dignity than Sharpe on Celebrity Love Island.

Facundo Sava's prop-based humour (Fulham, not often enough)

Number of games in which Facundo Sava took to the field for Fulham with a Zorro mask in his sock: 41. Number of games in which he got to wear it: six. Early Doors would also love to see all the 'tribute' vests worn by strikers beneath their shirts, but which never saw the light of day.

Paulo Diogo's ring fence (Servette, 2004)

Servette midfielder Paulo Diogo leapt on to the perimeter fence after scoring in 2004 and got his ring finger stuck. The damage when he jumped down was so severe the finger had to be amputated. And he was booked for excessive celebration.

- - -

Restraint of the day: Arsene Wenger in his post-match interview.

Jeff Shreeves: "Right now, you're not even in the title race."

Arsene Wenger: "No."

ED would obviously have said: "We have a succession of matches coming up, and we will try and win as many of those as possible. At the end of the season we will look at the table and compare our points total to everyone else's."

Incidentally, no wonder that Serbian placenta doctor went into hiding; Robin van Persie visited her facing a six week lay-off, and when he came back he was out until April.

- - -

If you have been wondering from where Graham Poll got that third yellow card at the 2006 World Cup, we now have an answer - SPL ref Steve Conroy.

Poll showed Australia defender Josip Simunic three yellows before eventually giving him his marching orders, and Conroy did the opposite on Saturday in St Mirren's 3-1 defeat to Celtic.

Conroy booked St Mirren defender Chris Innes, then immediately pulled out a red card.

Showing admirable Corinthian spirit, Conroy did not even bother protesting and just walked off, but his team-mates pointed out the ref's mistake and he was beckoned back on to the pitch.

St Mirren keeper Paul Gallagher said: "The ref held his hands up and admitted hjis error. He quickly changed his decision ... but Chris was well off the park by then. It was freezing out there so I don't blame him."

- - -

As you know, Early Doors has a soft spot for Avram Grant, so it was nice to see his familiar hangdog features back in the dugout on Saturday.

In fact, he picked up exactly where he left off - losing on penalties to Manchester United in pouring rain.

Tiger Woods has accepted full responsibility for whatever happened in the early hours of Friday that resulted in him driving his car into a fire hydrant. ED wants to know, would Alex Ferguson have blamed the crash on Alan Wiley?

- - -

QUOTE OF THE DAY: Jimmy Bullard's fabulously un-PC take on Paul McShane's bust-up with Craig Bellamy: "It was handbags. I think he has chased Bellers, who has wound him up again. It's a classic isn't it? Welsh and the Irish, it'd be brilliant. I'd let them get on with it."

  1. B===O

    helmethunterFrom helmethunter on Mon Nov 30 09:02AM

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  2. I beat the spam... If you pardon the expression

    helmethunterFrom helmethunter on Mon Nov 30 09:10AM

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  3. You cannot go kicking the ball out of the goalkeepers hands even if you are Brazillian !!!!!!

    imanerdo99From imanerdo99 on Mon Nov 30 09:13AM

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  4. Wheres the praise for Ryan Giggs scorng his 100th goal and turning in a performance that any 20 something year old would be proud of? Even when he is pension age, Giggs will still have more to offer than Nani will ever muster in his career.

    lynch_derrickFrom lynch_derrick on Mon Nov 30 09:23AM

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  5. "Don't do a celebration because James Corden tells you to."

    Nobody knew who James Corden was in 2006.

    pkw.wilsonFrom pkw.wilson on Mon Nov 30 09:26AM

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  6. 3 - Makes a change from the cockwatcher peeking at someone elses in the public loos... LOL!

    Ballbag will be happy to talk aboutwanks with you tho LOL

    Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarararararragh arararar argh boohoo

    wartyholeFrom wartyhole on Mon Nov 30 09:29AM

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  7. 6 - Arsenal are not gonna win the league but they're not as sh it as Liverpool!! Europa League LMAO.

    jay8myFrom jay8my on Mon Nov 30 09:36AM

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  8. NOS I HAV TAY DASAGREE WIF YAY EDDAY I FINK MECHAEL MECINTIRE IS FUNNAY AS F OCK. FUNNIER THAN U YEE TRECHAROUS BASTERD. ALREET BYES A HOPE YEES IS ALL WELL.

    donneymcclainFrom donneymcclain on Mon Nov 30 09:37AM

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  9. JAMMAY BULLARDS FACE IS AN ABSALUTE DASGRACE.

    donneymcclainFrom donneymcclain on Mon Nov 30 09:39AM

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  10. A SEE AULD TEGAR WODS COUPED HES WAGON. HES NAT EVAN A REAL TEGAR. HES JUST PRETENDIN TAY BE AN ANIMOL.

    donneymcclainFrom donneymcclain on Mon Nov 30 09:40AM

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  11. I thought originally it might be a Chelsea/Arsenal 1-2 this year. After yesterday it will almost certainly be a 1-3 tho. Youre being a bit harsh saying they will struggle to make top 4 Kev.

    danny_saksFrom danny_saks on Mon Nov 30 09:48AM

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  12. "beckoned back on to the picth" - aaaaahhhhh the 'pitch' hook.... LOL!

    Come to Warty.... come on Ficky... LOL 'correction time' for Jimmy the racist? LOL

    Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrararaagh arra argh boohoo

    wartyholeFrom wartyhole on Mon Nov 30 09:51AM

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  13. "hjis error" - ooooh, the 'his' hook - worth a quick peek, cockwatcher? LOL

    Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaararrararaghar ararrarargh arrrrrrrr boohoo

    wartyholeFrom wartyhole on Mon Nov 30 09:52AM

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  14. 10 - Alright Jay whats da crack wee man? I have to disagree with you me old mucker. Arsenal are not as good as Liverpool. Do you not get tired of Arsenal's one dimensional style of football? Sure it's sexy football but it's not winning football. It's getting me a bit ancry with them to be honest. Why do they have to pass everything into the net? Has Wenger never heard of tactics? When you feel a game is getting away from you you start changing the way you play. ie. A long pass to a wide player who goes round one player and then crosses it into the box or simply doing what Liverpool do and hoofing it up the pitch. Don't get me wrong i think Arsenal are the best passing team in the world but where's that going to get you if you have no cutting edge. A change of mentality is needed at Arsenal i feel.

    samuelbanksFrom samuelbanks on Mon Nov 30 09:53AM

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  15. HANS UP HOO WAD LIKE TAY DO TIGERS WEMON?

    donneymcclainFrom donneymcclain on Mon Nov 30 09:56AM

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  16. Danny 14 - I think Kev Kano and any Liverpool fan in general have been known to make a few silly comments. Arsenal look comfy for top 4 finish with our game in hand.
    Sheff Weds are struggling Danny, I thought the goals they conceeded were awful.

    jay8myFrom jay8my on Mon Nov 30 09:56AM

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  17. A HAV SPLIT A NAIL.

    donneymcclainFrom donneymcclain on Mon Nov 30 09:57AM

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  18. I KNOW WAT HAPPANED. TEGARS WEMON FOOUND OOT A WASINAY A REEL TEGAR SA SHAY LOSSED DA HEAD OND TRYED TE KIL EM. INNIT THO?

    donneymcclainFrom donneymcclain on Mon Nov 30 09:59AM

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  19. ALRITE SAMYIL DA YEE FONCAY A BUM WEE MON?

    donneymcclainFrom donneymcclain on Mon Nov 30 10:01AM

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  20. A MUST CUT THON NAIL AFF. A FINK IL CUT ALL ME NAILS AFF. WERES ME FINGAR LAPPARS?

    donneymcclainFrom donneymcclain on Mon Nov 30 10:02AM

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  21. 20 - I'm kinda with you on all accounts there Jay. I'm not sure where this Liverpool rivalry with Arsenal is coming from tho. I mean, apart from the infamous title decider, surely they have other fish to fry in the North? Or have they given up hope of competing with Man Utd these days? And the least said about my team the better :(

    danny_saksFrom danny_saks on Mon Nov 30 10:02AM

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  22. 20 - "Arsenal look comfy for top 4 finish with our game in hand" - after a 1/3 of the season played... LOL!

    Jason in general, has been known to make a few silly comments. LOL Clown.

    Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaararrarararrara arrrrrrr argh boohoo

    wartyholeFrom wartyhole on Mon Nov 30 10:04AM

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  23. It was 3 yellow cards for the Croatian defender in that game, not the Australian representative.

    free_neshamaFrom free_neshama on Mon Nov 30 10:06AM

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  24. 25 - Your 'team'? Which 'team' do you mean Fonda...? LOL

    Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaararrararargh arra argh boohoo

    wartyholeFrom wartyhole on Mon Nov 30 10:06AM

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  25. Josip Simunic was playing for croatia against australia

    danafrantzFrom danafrantz on Mon Nov 30 10:07AM

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  26. 18 Fair enough Samuel but would you have made that comment before our best player this season Van Persie got injured. Wenger has heard of tac-tics, i find that hard to take coming from a Man Utd supporter. When it comes to the league and big games it can get frustrating not having a drogba or Terry esq leader among the pack with a physical presence but last year we did beat Chelsea away. If Drogba wasn't playing like we were missing Van Persie it would have been closer, not taking anything away from Chelsea. Wenger has his principles and certain types of players he goes for, theres no denying the current Arsenal team has potential. In 3 or 4 years time, Drogba and Lampard wont be around but Fabregas an co will be. Arsenal fans are patient and theres more ups and downs with Wenger so im okay to sit tight and not complain. Arsenal dont have sky high expectations like Liverpool fans so being realistic does help. Liverpool better this season?? Are you sure.

    jay8myFrom jay8my on Mon Nov 30 10:08AM

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  27. ALRITE HEMATHUNTAR BYE. WATS DA CRECK WEE MONS?

    donneymcclainFrom donneymcclain on Mon Nov 30 10:09AM

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  28. ITS TEEM THA WARTY HOWL WAS BANNED.

    donneymcclainFrom donneymcclain on Mon Nov 30 10:11AM

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  29. JAMMAY BULLARD SHAD BE BANNED FAE DA TELEBAX A CAME ON METCH AV DA DAY WHILE A WAS EATAN A KIT - KOT OND A WAS NEER F OCKAN SACK.

    donneymcclainFrom donneymcclain on Mon Nov 30 10:13AM

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  30. 32 - Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghghghghaaarrragh I'm melting.....! LOL

    I've been deleted haven't I, Jason? LOL! No wait. Jason's been known to make a few silly comments. LOL

    Haaaaaaaaaaaaararrararagh arrrargh rrrrrrrrrr boohoo

    wartyholeFrom wartyhole on Mon Nov 30 10:15AM

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