Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

The new Perry Groves

Thu Jul 31 08:38AM

Under normal circumstances, a big club signing a 21-year-old with all of one senior appearance under his belt would hardly get noticed.

Maybe the club just wanted an extra body to fill out the squad, maybe they wanted to give their new Brazilian star somebody to talk to, or maybe they did it as a 'favour' to some shady agent.

But when the club is Arsenal, everybody sits up and takes notice. Therefore, great excitement greeted the plucking of Amaury Bischoff from the total obscurity of Werder Bremen reserves on a free.

He breaks the Arsene Wenger mould by not hailing from West Africa. Instead, like his new manager, comes from Alsace. He has a German name, he was born in France and he plays for Portugal Under-21s. Other than that, ED knows nothing.

Yet, given Wenger's track record for polishing turds so hard they crystallise into diamonds, within 24 months Bischoff will probably be a first-team regular, huffily demanding a five-fold wage increase or a move to AC Milan.

Gooners are already abuzz about the youngster's potential (NB: He's older than Cesc Fabregas), refusing to let the fact that nobody has ever heard of him, much less seen him play, dampen their enthusiasm.

Various sweaty-handed message boards users described him as a direct replacement for both Alex Hleb and Mathieu Flamini, two players that Early Doors has actually watched in action, and who are as different as chalk and a bag of spanners.

So, bearing in mind the only 'video' of Bischoff anywhere on the internet is actually a still shot, artfully zoomed in and out of to give the impression of movement, ED decided to do some proper digging.

By doing an internet search for Bischoff in conjunction with other footballers and seeing what came out on top.

It searched for 'Amaury Bischoff is the new...' followed by a variety of recent Arsenal heroes, and the results proved great news for fans of ineffective five-a-side players.

Alex Hleb 9,880
Gilberto Silva 1,400
Mathieu Flamini 792
Robert Pires 423
Freddie Ljungberg 376
Perry Groves 301

- - -

Aston Villa's dealings with Liverpool over Gareth Barry have proved a resounding triumph for the little guy.

Admittedly, they are a little guy with loads of fans, a whacking great stadium, a European Cup and an American tycoon owner, but humour Early Doors.

In today's top-heavy Premier League, Villa are a selling club. They are supposed to roll over and let the big clubs sign all their best players to maintain the natural order.

Sure, they'll fuss a little bit when their star players get a 'dream' move somewhere slightly more lucrative, but they know their place.

Basically, they are meant to be Spurs.

Yet rather than fussing about enforced sales and contracts not being worth the paper they are printed on, Villa have stood up and said: "Actually, we'll decide whether we want to sell our players."

When Liverpool weighed in with a derisory opening offer, Villa told them to get stuffed. To meet their valuation or forget it.

When Barry criticised the club in the press, they fined him, stripped him of the captaincy and temporarily banned him from the premises, knowing full well that footballers don't actually go on strike.

When the saga dragged on, they set a deadline for the deal to be done. Liverpool missed it by just 15 minutes yesterday afternoon, but by then it was too late because Villa had already issued a statement saying Barry would stay.

All the while, Villa have been honest, transparent and totally unwilling to get shoved around. Liverpool tried to play them for saps and got what they deserved.

While Barry might be angry, he still gets to play for the sixth best team in the country instead of the fourth best, and he still gets paid millions of pounds a year. He'll survive.

- - -

QUOTE OF THE DAY: "Cristiano works for five to six hours a day and we haven't had that many days off. The trip to LA was fantastic. We were able to work far from the pressure. " Despite abundant photographic evidence to the contrary, Cristiano Ronaldo's fitness trainer Antonio Gaspar insists his recent visit to Los Angeles was about hard work and staying out of the limelight:

SIGN OF THE DAY: 'Welcome to our workplace' - Erected at Manchester City's training ground by Mark Hughes. It is meant to remind the players to knuckle down, but it sounds more like a load of touchy-feely PC bull. ED prefers the Galatasaray-style 'Welcome to hell' written in blood above the entrance to its own office.

FOREIGN VIEW: Is that the sound of Claudio Ranieri setting himself up for another dead man walking routine? The Tinkerman has told Corriere dello Sport it is "impossible" for his Juventus team not to win anything this season.

TALKING POINT: So, it seems you don't like Early Doors's talking points, then. Well what question would you ask?

COMING UP: European football comes to Barnsley. Thanks to Bon Jovi, Eastlands is out of action, meaning Manchester City take over Oakwell for their UEFA Cup first qualifying round second leg against Faroe Islands champions EB/Streymur. It gets no bigger than this.

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muhahahahahaha
From jawadman on Thu Jul 31 08:40AM
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morning all
From andyc147 on Thu Jul 31 08:41AM
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bon jovi ruined the grounds at eastlands, what the bloody hell? people aren't still falling for that routine still, are they? i would have thought the theater of dreams would be a better place for tight jeans, hairspray and crappy taste.
From jcpotvin on Thu Jul 31 08:51AM
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Hi!
Join "the best of Naija league" for lots of fun and competition.
Group ID: 8713
Password: 1234
From kukuski on Thu Jul 31 08:52AM
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Morning all
The main talking point in my life this morning is :-
'Where the f(expletive)k are my car keys ????????
Have a good day
Hugz
Art
ps I found out last night that 'Bok' means 'Ciao' in Croation
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 31 08:52AM
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Amaury Bischoff is the new Ronaldinho because yesterday I ate banitsa.
From zoltanrullz on Thu Jul 31 08:55AM
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ello goodbye. Who is the worst underrated player in the prem?
From united4lifebaby on Thu Jul 31 08:56AM
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Surfs Up is definitely going to be the best League Mr Kukuski, not sure I would want to join a league where members avatars wear suits and tie's are you sure your not looking for Cow Corner they like shirts and ties their
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 31 08:57AM
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who is the best overrated player in the prem?
From united4lifebaby on Thu Jul 31 08:57AM
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haha i rok
From united4lifebaby on Thu Jul 31 08:57AM
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good on Villa and Martin O'neil for sticking to their guns!!
its about time more smaller teams did this , if they did they might just upset the usual 4 at the top!!
From andyc147 on Thu Jul 31 08:59AM
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Take the money and run or have a bun fight sounds like an interesting topic
Given the Legal Beagles from Sheffield United still have not finished with us WHUFC will probably take the money and run, except when it comes to Micheal ' I love jellied eels' Ballack
From arttidesco on Thu Jul 31 09:02AM
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my question would be "what would YOU do if you were in the FA and wanted to improve England's talent pool"
Personally i'd improve the club football for youngsters, i live in Spain and here its brilliant, clubs get money from the local council for the pitch + stadium to be well maintained and theres even a rule for 2010 to have artificial turf in all pitches (as opposed to gravel) and at the moment nearly all pitches are artificial turf anyway. The league is competitive and games feel v satisfying.
I was in England and my local team was @#$%, rubbish manager who favours his kid. 1 half hour training a week as opposed to the 3 1 hour and a half trainings here. How can you want to live and breathe football if your pitch has a tractor plow halfway through it? (our home pitch)
From the.clanger on Thu Jul 31 09:03AM
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Incredibly moving and sincere (and faintly neurotic) view of the misery and madness of the comfortless gap between fotball seasons . . . http://www.mediapart.fr/club/blog/robert-mcliam-wi
lson/250708/roy-keane-tu-me-connais-pas-mais-je-te
-hais
In English (controversially).
From wiltedblanchflower on Thu Jul 31 09:03AM
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the liverpool bashing seems to be in fashion, though at £18 million for barry, i have to wonder who exactly would be getting bashed there. watched robbie keane's reds (er, gray) debut against the yellow submarine yesterday. liverpoolfc tv went all bonkers, presumably trying to accommodate all the curious new supporters and offered only a very low-fi, very youtube version of the match, which was just as well, another 90 minutes of scoreless football (180 and counting) with only a disastrous robbo chip attempt and a lazy sidefoot by the new frenchman, mgog in the first half and a couple missed chances by pacheco and torres, in a cameo, in the second.
From jcpotvin on Thu Jul 31 09:05AM
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in the wake of cristiano ronaldo's work scheme......has football become more of a form of entertainment than a sport?? if yes why??
From luka_v69 on Thu Jul 31 09:10AM
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how about the wonderkid jack whiltshire? who has scored three times for arsenal in the last couple of matches and not only is he 16 but he`s ENGLISH!!!
From rsnooks on Thu Jul 31 09:15AM
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why dont we all ' report abuse ' the serial spammers!!
think they'll do anything then?
From andyc147 on Thu Jul 31 09:24AM
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does anyone remember when liverpool were a big club? they've lost the power to shove other clubs around. nice one villa, a club on the up!
From martsssss on Thu Jul 31 09:24AM
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no, i can't recall, i just started supporting liverpool yesterday, the 05 champions league? doesn't ring a bell. i'm curious to see which villa club comes out this season, the one scrapped to 6th last season, or the one that bumbled to 16th the campaign before. i'd also like to know how they plan to replace both fullbacks (none on the roster, at least not healthy) and find another central defender, without selling barry. they set a deadline in the sand, which is all very nice, but if liverpool meets the valuation, he's be in red before september.
From jcpotvin on Thu Jul 31 09:32AM
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Amaury Bischoff is a superb player. He played against us 4 years ago when he was in the UK seeing his cousin. I remember it well- Wyman & Abbott Soccer Sevens division two on a Thursday night. He slipped a lovely ball through to The Royal Oak's forward to put them 6-4 up.
Afterwards I saw him in the KFC. Said one day he would play for The Arsenal. He was right.
From whfcuptonpark on Thu Jul 31 09:37AM
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Morning,
its obvious barry will end up at liverpool eventually, it just seems like a matter of time, villa are just holding out for as much cash as they can get. I cant believe bentley joined spurs, why would he want to go there, blackburn finished higher than them in the table.
From jay8my on Thu Jul 31 09:37AM
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that'll be a bite then! too easy!
From martsssss on Thu Jul 31 09:37AM
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Perry Groves = Legend
From j.herbert709 on Thu Jul 31 09:39AM
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Who is the least qualified manager in either the EPL or the SPL? We might get at least 250 posts of passion, information and heated argument about football.
From james_ssmith on Thu Jul 31 09:46AM
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Bischoff looks horribly like the character who cuts his wrists in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I hope his mother doesn't know Nurse Ratched
From james_ssmith on Thu Jul 31 09:48AM
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that one's easy, paul ince doesn't even have all his coaching papers yet, it's difficult to be less qualified than that.
From jcpotvin on Thu Jul 31 09:49AM
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Recalling one or two posts from yesterday, which EPL or SPL manager looks most like Hugh Hefner? Or which footballer's lifestyle is most like Hugh Hefner's.
From james_ssmith on Thu Jul 31 09:50AM
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ya all @#$% writers on yahoo , such bias @#$% u lot write daily , bloody slack writers , go back to school plz , u know sh it about football,
From tony_montana01uk on Thu Jul 31 09:51AM
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To martsssss on Thu Jul 31 09:24AM- "does anyone remember when liverpool were a big club?" You've probably achieved what you set out to do with your comment by me answering but what a top hat you are. Not wishing to open up the oldest can of worms in the cupboard but there is not a single team in the country who would not want to have achieved what Liverpool have...NOT ONE...if the world was to end tomorrow, we all know who the most successful team of recent times is but overall throughout history, well, I don't need to go on. Oh, and please save your no doubt putrid breath (with the @#$% that comes out of it) with the "old Division 1 championship/Premiership" bore, the winner of the top league in England won that trophy whatever it's name, then or now, like it or lump it, it's just a name, it's what it stands for that matters. Now go on and get back to mother, it's bitty time.
From dmconnell1970 on Thu Jul 31 09:54AM
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