Friendly ire
Mon Aug 04 08:59AM
If there's one thing Early Doors can't stand, it's people assigning undue significance to meaningless pre-season friendlies.
That and the usual stuff like rudeness, poor time-keeping, motorsports enthusiasts and world poverty, of course.
Take Chelsea's 5-0 win over Milan Reserves in the 'Railways Cup' in Moscow yesterday. Eye-catching? Certainly. Comically one-sided? Sure. Essentially pointless? Yes.
Pre-season friendlies exist for two reasons. Firstly, to give players a chance to build up their fitness prior to the start of the season proper and secondly, to allow clubs to fulfil contractual obligations to their money-grabbing sponsors.
Managers, frankly, don't care if they win, lose or draw, provided they can get everyone back on the plane without having suffered serious injury and without having committed a horrendous cultural faux pas in any of the pre- or post-match press conferences.
Chelsea's win yesterday proves nothing more than that they are at a more advanced stage of their pre-season preparations than Milan.
The Italians, furthermore, were missing a whole host of senior players, and with blundering second-choice goalkeeper Zeljko Kalac between the sticks they would probably have succumbed in similar fashion to Chelsea's under-9s.
And yet wherever you look you find people trying to attribute meaning where none exists.
The Observer newspaper claimed Man United's narrow 1-0 win over Espanyol in Ole Gunnar Solskjaer's testimonial match proved that they are desperately lacking in firepower up front, while ED has also seen it suggested that Darren Bent's 11 pre-season goals against the likes of Norwich and Leyton Orient mean he's now a good bet for the Premier League Golden Boot.
Breathlessly caught up in the excitement you have Sky Sports, with Jeff Stelling referring to Hamburg's 3-0 win over a jaded Juventus yesterday as an Emirates Cup "six-pointer".
In none of Sky's coverage of any of the pre-season tournaments it broadcasts will you see or hear the key word ‘friendly', and ED is genuinely beginning to fear that people will start to forget the intrinsic worthlessness of these mid-summer showcases with their pointless tin-pot trophies and embarrassing presentation ceremonies.
The Wikipedia entry for the Premier League Asia Trophy describes it as "a prestigious four-team football tournament complete [sic] by three Premier League football clubs and a local team from the host", whereas in real life its prestige is comfortably superseded even by the long-deceased Zenit Data Systems Cup.
Take the Community Shield, which, if you'll believe the hype, is a chance for the teams competing - usually two of the Big Four - to score "an important psychological blow" before the business of the Premier League gets under way.
Of the last 14 winners, only three have gone on to win the league in the following season, which should serve as pretty conclusive proof that pre-season friendly results should be approached with all the caution of a night on the town with Joey Barton.
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When ED first heard the news that the world's sixth richest man Anil Ambani was preparing to buy Newcastle United, its initial reaction was one of horror.
Surely the last thing the Premier League needs is another cash-rich foreign businessman with no interest in the game muscling in at one of the country's oldest and best-loved clubs.
But then ED remembered who currently manages Newcastle, and if anyone can splurge a reported £150 million transfer kitty on talented but incurably temperamental players it's Kevin Keegan.
A forward line of Antonio Cassano, Denilson (the older, rubbish one), Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Lee Trundle would make the Newcastle of Ginola, Asprilla and Beardsley look as dour as George Graham-era Arsenal by comparison. And suddenly that takeover doesn't seem quite so unappetising after all.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I've been 10 years in Real Madrid. It would be very difficult to move. But if I move from Real Madrid I'd love to go to the Premier League. Or Dubai." Spanish full-back Michel Salgado leaves us in no doubt as to where his motivations lie. Yup, that's right. His wallet.
FOREIGN VIEW: Dennis Bergkamp's well-documented fear of flying meant he was unable to feature in any of Arsenal's more arduous overseas trips in European competition, but it could have been a lot worse. Bolivian midfielder Raul Gutierrez has had to retire from football altogether because his own plane phobia has forced him to miss all of his club side Blooming's away matches, thereby earning him a 50 per cent pay-cut.
HEADLINE WRITERS' DREAM: Argentine side Independiente are desperately trying to hold onto their highly-rated goalkeeper Fabian Assman, amid reported interest from Benfica. Independiente fans have been inundating the club's website with claims that a move to Europe would make him the subject of ridicule, but ED is sure European football fans have got better things to- ASS! HIS NAME'S GOT THE WORD 'ASS' IN IT! HA HA HA HA HA!
TALKING POINT: What is your favourite amusing footballer's name? ED has always been a big fan of Australian goalkeeper Norman Conquest.
COMING UP: Transfer Talk should be with you by lunchtime, and there's also the latest instalment of our guide to the really quite wonderful Yahoo! Fantasy Football game.
I see Vaughan has taken the Kevin Keegan approach to hi Kricket Kapitancy
From arttidesco on Mon Aug 04 11:19AMEngland Cockney superstar (actually only had one cap in the early 1900s) Segar @#$% and Congolese striker Bongo Christ are my favourites.
From cansofswine on Mon Aug 04 11:21AMlet me try that again without beeing bleeped by yahoo, Segar B a s t a r d
From cansofswine on Mon Aug 04 11:23AManother non-footy, but i always liked the name "world b. free", point guard for various nba basketball teams in the 70's and 80's, only fitting his current title is, 'ambassador of basketball' for the philadelphia seventy-sixers. his former teammate darryl dawkins had some of the best nicknames though, including, "chocolate thunder", and at one point claimed to be an alien from planet lovetron where he spent off-season practicing "interplanetary funkmanship" and where his girlfriend juicy lucy still lived. they don't make them like that guy anymore, used to shatter some serious backboards.
From jcpotvin on Mon Aug 04 11:26AMalrite jcpotvin i see ur trying to wearout ur keyboard this morning as usual lol, i was sickened this weekend when i saw senderos with the captains armband, i know it was a freindly and we had players missing but wengers just pushing it too far in my opinion.
From jay8my on Mon Aug 04 11:38AMFrench Ligue 2 side Chamois Niortais have a player called Romain Jacuzzi.
From raajones on Mon Aug 04 11:39AMMy favourites are Laurant Blanc (Larry White) & Thierry Henry (Terry Henry)
From gatekeeper66652 on Mon Aug 04 11:39AMBig Phil and J.T.are smilng and happy in the picture above,they seem to have won a large ladies breast-pump,Red Rom will be delighted Isuppose but lets see if they are still smiling at Xmas and at the end of the season!!!!
From dingerguts on Mon Aug 04 11:43AMchelsea are rubbish there only like they are cos of the money wiv out the money there nothing and the players are so over rated
From neilowen on Mon Aug 04 11:46AMI'm surprised no-one has mentioned the Brazilian star "Argelico F**ks", whose transfer to Benfica prompted Eurosport to give us the headline "Argelico F**ks off to Benfica". I love the Wikipedia article on him, just for stating the blindingly obvious: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Argelico_F**ks
From matt_smith2002uk on Mon Aug 04 11:48AMyes, j, the x, y and z are the only keys i can still read. franken-sanderos doesn't look like he could be captain of his own tea party, have to imagine it's wenger's way of building confidence, he does look pretty nervy out there. adebayor heard the boo-birds, how long is it gonna take to get rid of that? hope the french genius didn't have a bounty out on wesley sneijder's knee, that's not the sort of thing that should be happening in a "friendly", is it?
From jcpotvin on Mon Aug 04 11:48AMfunniest name for me is barca midfielder yaya toure especially as he has yaya on the back of his shirt
From dealerapplications on Mon Aug 04 11:50AMThe back four at charlton (at one stage) was Young Fish Costa Fortune.........doesn't need any comment really!
From ima_fat_tw on Mon Aug 04 11:53AMRocky Baptiste, Havant & Waterlooville forward. By far the coolest name in football. Also, how can we all have forgotten about Dean Windass?
From uksteve98 on Mon Aug 04 11:54AMjc, adebayor will smash in a hatrick at white hart and that will get rid of the boo-boys. I thought sneijders injury was rather suspect too, its a shame real madrid didn't suspect anything, they could have got their own back and snapped senderos in two!!!
From jay8my on Mon Aug 04 11:57AMwow, argelico is a bad enough first name, but what an unfortunate surname. i disagree with #73, i think chelsea are rubbish because they were relegated as recently as 1983 & 1988, plus, their stadium is off in cottage country and they play a less exciting brand of football then whey they were "okay" with zola ~ not because they have a ton of money ~ that's why they won't be a big club once the oil baron decides to pursue a different interest.
From jcpotvin on Mon Aug 04 11:58AMtrue j, no fan bitterness ever seems to last past a few well placed goals, so a derby hat-trick should do the trick, providing he's up for it. cronaldo managed to get them off his back, and he was public enemy #1 in england after the world cup, curious to see how the theater of dreams receives him in the event he doesn't make his "dream move".
i don't think you could really snap franken-swiss in two, because i think he's made up of 14 other dudes, they'd just sew him up and throw him back out there.
From jcpotvin on Mon Aug 04 12:10PMI think the euro's were full of amusing player names....Turkey had a few funnies in Knee Hat and (H)arder, but of course, the best of them all was the russian star 'arse shaving'-priceless....
From roders25 on Mon Aug 04 12:12PMDunno if it was a wind up story in the press, but somebody (Sunderland?) was supposed to want to buy Senderos and Wenger said the asking price was £10 million. He's not worth £100 and a Toblerone. Wenger must have a sense of humour after all.
From andywalker269 on Mon Aug 04 12:42PMFUNNY FOOTBALLERS' NAMES; JUNINHO PERNAMBUCANO; BENJANI MWARWARI; JAN VENNEGOR OF HESSELINK
From ezyezurike on Mon Aug 04 12:45PMkaka, onesize fitzhall, pantsil, but really the funniest was in an african champions league match last night : SITHOLE (unfortunately no H) from DYNAMOUS, unlucky for him he got crocked and is probably bathing in preparation H right now
From everhard6964 on Mon Aug 04 12:54PMEighty-Sixth!
From kevmun82 on Mon Aug 04 01:07PMRight, the reason why ED is all sour today is because he is a big fan of Italian hand on hip, not a hair out of place, walking pace, sexy football. And his team had 5 goals scored against them. But I think what really does it for ED in Italian football is the dark hairy legs. We know ED!!!!
From jeanjohnson101 on Mon Aug 04 01:23PMThx Ordered, saves on the hassle of fiddling around with rechargeable batteries and convenience of using the board while charging.
From some_steam on Mon Aug 04 01:27PMUwe Fuchs ex Middlesbrough clodhopper and aptly named fellow German Stefan Kuntz. Great strike partnership Uwe Fuchs Stefan Kuntz enough to make your eyes water.
From paulio_is_no1 on Mon Aug 04 01:30PMED you dunce, Hamburg's win was a six pointer! Emirates cup's points system gives 3pts for a win and 1 point per goal, so a 3-0 victory makes..................
From benjipoulton on Mon Aug 04 01:35PMMan United Fans Suck Cronaldo's Little Spur
From arttidesco on Mon Aug 04 01:38PMif benjipoulton is right then GUTTED ED!!!
From jay8my on Mon Aug 04 01:39PMhi jude, plenty of sucking going on today. So how long until u sign berbatov???
From jay8my on Mon Aug 04 01:56PMYes I did enjoy the fresh air at weekend Spur Sucking Mr Smurf Jude
Were you living life to the max this weekend
From arttidesco on Mon Aug 04 01:58PM
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