The Barber of Stretford
Thu Apr 10 08:59AM
Early Doors finds it hard to believe that, in 13 months out of action, Manchester United skipper Gary Neville couldn't find time to have a shave or visit the barber's.
During his injury-enforced absence, Red Nev had plenty of time to ditch, or improve on, the budget Bobby Pires musketeer look, but the wispy bumfluff moustache has survived more than a year of rehab.
It could have been a tricky evening for United against Roma had it not been for Daniele De Rossi's penalty miss, which, thanks to the front-on camera view, appeared to travel vertically into the night sky.
At half-time, karmic realignment specialist and sometime pundit Glenn Hoddle said he "never fancied" De Rossi to score because the occasion was too big.
Of course you didn't, Glenn. He only scored in a penalty shootout at the World Cup final. But obviously there were no English teams involved so the pressure was off.
Mind you, the treatment of De Rossi was less blinkered than the unanimous view that Wes Brown's challenge on Mancini was a fair one, despite the fact that Brown clearly made no contact with the ball.
Yes, the ball went off at a right angle, but it came off Mancini's boot. And the reason it went in that direction was because he was being fouled by Brown.
In the end, it took a marauding display from Owen Hargreaves to save the day, with the Anglo-Germano-Canadian laying on an inch-perfect cross for Carlos Tevez to head the winner.
Hargreaves was bought to become United's answer to Claude Makelele, but he looked more like Cristiano Ronaldo as he tried to get back in Fergie's good books following reports that he has been dropped from the team for poor timekeeping.
Incidentally, Early Doors attempted to write 'Hargreaves' in predictive text last night and ended up with 'Happieater', which could be where he spends his time when he should be at team meetings.
Hargreaves clearly reaped the reward of staying late to eat his lolly (the traditional kids' prize for finishing your meal), as the glucose boost helped him run over 11km last night - more than any other player.
- - -
Early Doors speculated yesterday that Petr Cech might cover his entire head in bandages to avoid further injury when he makes his return.
The truth, it seems, is even more ludicrous, with the Chelsea keeper planning to team his scrum cap with a face mask, on which the Sun claims construction work has already begun (can't you just buy these things?).
Like the hat, this may turn out to be more than a temporary measure as the Czech covers every part of his body in protective apparatus in an apparent attempt to get back in touch with the game of his youth - ice hockey.
There is precedent for this (well, some of it). Richard 'Rip' Hamilton, of the NBA's Detroit Pistons, started wearing a face mask in 2004 after breaking his nose. The mask is now a permanent fixture, with Hamilton somewhat misguidedly describing it as "like my Superman cape".
- - -
It has been claimed that Steven Gerrard's family enlisted the help of a Liverpool 'mob fixer' to ward off the unwanted attention of gangsters, who smashed up the midfielder's car and threatened to shoot him in the legs in an attempt to extort money out of him.
One Jon Kinsella made the claim during his trial for robbery, which he denies, reading out a letter from Gerrard's dad thanking him for his help and spelling out his "total respect".
For legal reasons, Early Doors can't shoehorn in as many Godfather/generic mafia jokes as it would like, especially as Gerrard already looked like he was playing in concrete boots on Tuesday.
So let's stick to this one: Stevie G had better watch his step or else, like Ruud van Nistelrooy's wife, he could find himself waking up next to a horse's head.
Got a better joke? Leave it on the message board below.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "It was a penalty - he pulls the shirt and the only one who complained was Toure himself. Nobody has complained after the game. The only ones who complained were the Arsenal players, who were criticising Toure." Referee Peter Frojdfeldt clearly pays even less attention to Arsene 'It was a gift' Wenger than the rest of us.
FOREIGN VIEW: "Barcelona against the English" - The Catalan press revel in the fact that their boys are the last non-cloggers left in the Champions League. Let the Messi versus Ronaldo comparisons begin. Mind you, a club director let slip yesterday that the "injuries" to Ronaldinho and Deco might be more like disciplinary sanctions.
TALKING POINT: Little surprise that Scotland feature heavily in your list of futile heroism (1974, 1978, 1990, 1996, 1998, 1999 and 2007 all qualify, as far as Early Doors can remember), but the winner is this suggestion from bongo1983uk: "Most futile comeback, Everton 3-0 down to Utd at half time. Bring on Rooney, get back to 3-3. Then Van Nistelrooy scores a last minute winner. To make things worse, the way Rooney played made Fergie's mind up about signing him!"
Today's question. Well, it's not so much a question as a plea for decent jokes relating to the Stevie G 'situation'. Bear in mind there's a court case going on, though.
COMING UP: Rangers take on Sporting Lisbon in the UEFA Cup tonight - follow that live with us. Plus we've got Manchester United and England old boy Paul Parker's views on midweek events.
Man utd has got strength because they have realised to be consistent on d two major cups you need to spend big and that is what SAF has done over the last two seasons and its high time AW realised that too and stop buying kids.
The EPL is not the best in the world, it is just that the big FOUR have so much money and they go around the globe cherry picking the very best. I am not sure if boro or NUFC will stand up against, say getafe…
And one last thing, what was the cat fight btw jjokocha2000 and barny1158 last nite all about, it was so hilarious…
From toksonice on Thu Apr 10 09:06AMtoksonice - totally agree the cat fight was hilarious, read it this morning and it made me chuckle!
I can't help but grow a slight hatred towards Petr Cech for being such a pansy, ok fair enough you smashed your skull in, but get over it! No need to wear that silly scrum cap, it didn't exactly help you when quazimodo (Ben Haim) smashed you in the lips with his noggin did it?! Ok so the scar looks cool, i imagine you can use it to intimidate the opposition, not leave them in hysterics when you have to wear an armoured balaclava!
From the_kop2003 on Thu Apr 10 09:17AMThe English Premier League is without a shadow of a doubt the best league in the world. over the past 3 years there has been at least 3 out of the top four has been in the quater finals. for the first time in Champions league history, there was 4 clubs from one nation all in the quater finals, an un-precidented achievment un-matched by any other nation. its the best league to watch, with the best football, the best players and the best fans. show me which country matches the above list of facts
From jeromeandremelville on Thu Apr 10 09:25AMGood joke - Barcelona v's the EnGerlish - you might just get 11 EnGerlish players from MU, LFC and CFC but NOT an EnGerlish Manager. A recent survey showed that the average Sctosman walks 900 miles a year and drinks 22 gallons of beer a year. At circa 41 miles to the gallon it is yet another reason to be proud to be Scottish.
From geelte on Thu Apr 10 09:26AMso stevie G. needs protection! he should hire some of the referees that have been 'protecting' his team from defeats in recent matches
From toksonice on Thu Apr 10 09:26AMThe gangster extortion thing is not new. Andre Kanchelskis in the 1990s was allegedly a victim of it, throwing a possiblle new light on his frequent and unexplained transfers, which were allegedly to generate cash to satisfy the Russian mob who had threatened his family. I like the story about Pat Van Den Hauwe though - at a club one night in Liverpool he apparently met a pretty young local lady and ended up getting a bit of jiggy jiggy with her. He allegedly caught a dose off her, so he went back to the club and allegedly used his fists on her to express his displeasure at said dose. Unfortunately for Pat the young lady had connections, and allegedly he got a visit from some very unpleasant blokes who took revenge by allegedly slashing the backs of his legs. Pat was out of football for a long time "injured", an injury which Everton said was incurred in training. Who knows what the truth is, but I like the story all the same. In case the legal representatives of Messrs. Kanchelskis and Van Den Hauwe are reading this, you will note my repeated use of the word "allegedly" throughout my post!
From andywalker269 on Thu Apr 10 09:27AMToksonice of course the EPL is the best in the world!! So what if the top four can cherry pick, am sure that Barca or Real can do the very same and if it was not for all these teams poor Lyon would be broke by now! As for Boro not standing up too getafe; remember the run in too the UEFA Cup final? We knocked out VFB Stuttgart, Roma, Basel and Steaua! Ok I will make no comment on the final....Am also sure the Mags have had decent results in the past too, did they not beat Stoke in cup earlier in the season?
From amarzy on Thu Apr 10 09:28AMWhat better way to distract the opposition than wearing such a mask, though?
From yehia18 on Thu Apr 10 09:29AMGood morning people, I will do my best to keep my "claws" hidden today, was feeling a bit of "anti southerners" being aimed by a certain person last night, apologies to anyone offended, but hey it made toksonice and the kop 2003 chuckle so maybe wasn't so bad after all?
Well done to Man U on going through, and to agree with toksonice's comments on AW, he can have the basis of a young team thats for sure, but a couple of WORLD CLASS additions to the squad, is needed. Why he is so reticent to buy I do not know. As for the comments that AW is going and will be replaced by "The Special One" (late news last night) not sure thats a good idea?
From barny1158 on Thu Apr 10 09:32AMThis used to be a place for contructive contribution to the footy story above, witty retorts, or taking the p!ss out of ED. These days it's more like a chat room for the friendless retards who leave scores (pun intended) of messages each day. Told you we needed a @#$% filter... ;o)
From simondenham on Thu Apr 10 09:32AMwhatz dis story about nistelrooyz wife waking up beside a dead horsez head
From yawboakye86 on Thu Apr 10 09:37AMED been reading your bit for a few weeks now and find it rather good, this is my first post but had to because of 'toksonice's comment that the EPL is not the best league when he also mentions that all the best players play here.... EH?!?
From asswhoop12 on Thu Apr 10 09:39AMhaha yawboakye86 RVP has a considerably longer head than the average person, hence the comparison to a horse i.e waking up next to a horse!
ED wasn't implying that someone left a horse's head on his bed!From the_kop2003 on Thu Apr 10 09:40AMSimondenham,
What rattled your cage this morning? I object to your use of the word "retards" and I am sure if all you want to do is insult people, you can go to a footie match or down your local pub and prattle on till your hearts content.From barny1158 on Thu Apr 10 09:40AMObviously someone thinks Ruud looks like a horse.
From tosinsbox on Thu Apr 10 09:40AMGansters in Liverpool,well that's a rarity, ask Ray Clemence why he left the Pool in a hurry
From np41800 on Thu Apr 10 09:41AMis Barny watshisface preparing to make the ED forum a battleground everyday? out to conquer the world laddie?
From tosinsbox on Thu Apr 10 09:41AMhaving the best four clubs doesnt make it the best, that is all am saying.
From toksonice on Thu Apr 10 09:46AMED
your comments on Gary Neville, trying to look like Monsieur Pires alias Musketeer? NOOOOO. Pires carries it off, and he is indeed french, not sure what Mr Neville is trying to do with that look, maybe its his attempt at trying to scare his oppostion?From barny1158 on Thu Apr 10 09:47AMhaving 3 of the best 4 clubs in the semi-finals of the most exclusive club football competition on the planet makes it the best though.
From tosinsbox on Thu Apr 10 09:48AMTOSINBOX,
Not wanting to conquer the world at all, just like to stick up for myself when individuals attack, and er... less of the "laddie" if you don't mind.From barny1158 on Thu Apr 10 09:50AMI think you'll find that's "ladette", actually ;o)
From garethcoletranslations on Thu Apr 10 09:50AMtoksonice, I agree with ur gerrard bit. I also think its quite true what you say bout the premiership. The teams outside the top 3(hate liverpool so not doin a top 4) cant cut it against any other opposition. All theEnglish clubs are basically goin out buying the best strikers and with all teams part from Man U and Chelsea havin average defence it looks most intertaining. Its also seen as the best league cause people in England big it up n ram it down everyones throat. Just like they do with the national team, I mean sayin its a disappointment not to win world cup? get a grip, other countries are better, Simple! And Amarzy, Lyon wouldn't be skint cause if they kept all the lpayers they had then they would still be a class team n not the joke they were this season in CL. Ive read couple people now sayin that Cechs helmet didnt protect him from the challenge he needed stitches for. Its not a skin protector, it protects his skull, and did his skull suffer, no, meaning it worked.
From sav46e on Thu Apr 10 09:53AMSorry, wish these things would update instantly so that messages don't appear out of sequence! What's this about Mourinho coming to Arsenal then? He'd probably sort them out alright, no question there, plus he could "do a Harry" and move back to the Bridge in time to save their bacon...
From garethcoletranslations on Thu Apr 10 09:55AMDon't understand simondenham's qualms. ED's a forum for anything, sensible or (and mostly) senseless.Good one bout ruud, had me laughing for a while. keep up the good work!
From crazy_pee_jay on Thu Apr 10 09:55AMSAINT GERRARD.. ENGLAND CAPTAIN... the worst joke in english history!!!!!!!
From laurence.odea on Thu Apr 10 09:55AMor the other joke about liverpools greatest fans in the world.. the italians are laughing all the way to brussels..
From laurence.odea on Thu Apr 10 09:58AMWhy does the river Mersey run through Liverpool? Becuase if it walked, it would get shot in the legs...
From tor_yvresse on Thu Apr 10 10:00AMsav46e it was a joke about the silly scrum cap, of course it's not a skin protector but don't go putting any ideas in his head or he will want one!
don't gang up on barny, im sure she would kick the petr cech out of you!From the_kop2003 on Thu Apr 10 10:01AMSuggest "barny1158" and "tosinbox" either swap numbers or get a room? Maybe a chat room!
From geelte on Thu Apr 10 10:03AM
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