Wo ist der Bahnhof?
Thu Apr 17 08:56AM
Anyone who has ever attempted to learn a foreign language knows that in order to guarantee success you have to start with the basics.
Early Doors does not mean picking up rudimentary grammar, learning the alphabet or even knowing how to introduce oneself.
No, any linguistic course always starts with the swear words. That's what makes the Brits such marvellous and welcome guests the world over.
This tried and tested formula has benefited stag parties, travelling football fans and really anyone whose idea of a good time is to jet out to Riga, insult the locals and get smashed in the local Irish pub.
As a product of the British school system, Early Doors has a couple of GCSEs in foreign languages and reckons it could get by in any situation in France or Germany.
Any situation, that is, which involves ordering a ham sandwich or asking directions to the train station.
But when it comes to obscenity, ED is a borderline genius. It can say ******* ****** in no fewer than 18 languages, and took Kuala Lumpur by storm by referring to locals as ********s, shortly before being incarcerated and sentenced to an indeterminate number of lashes.
It is this primal urge to offend the good people whose only mistake was to let you into their country that informs UEFAs latest creation - a tri-lingual dictionary containing over 2,000 football terms in English, French and German.
"Any women who want to really impress their husbands during Euro 2008 should definitely think about buying it," said UEFA's in-no-way patronising head of language services Florian Simmen.
Sadly the dictionary contains, as you would expect from a major European organisation, a host of technical and administrative guff concerning national coefficients, draw procedures and the like.
And although it also contains vernacular definitions for "colourful terms", Early Doors wouldn't expect too much help for anyone looking to question the parentage of opposing fans on that tricky Intertoto Cup trip to Arminia Bielefeld.
In a former life, ED did some work for UEFA. While a lovely bunch of people, they did, as an official organisation, have to try rather hard not to upset anyone.
Language that hints at violence or militarism is a particular no-no. Clubs cannot be hammered or thrashed, strikers are always goalgetters and never marksmen, sharp-shooters or assassins, and describing a powerful shot as a 'tracer bullet' is a sackable offence.
- - -
Tom Hicks is a wily old fox. The man's name might be mud on Merseyside, but the Liverpool co-owner hasn't given up trying to win the fans over.
He has given an interview in which he follows a tried and tested formula:
1 - Show some tape of yourself enthusiastically watching a Liverpool game, preferably with close family members.
2 - Sit in front of the fire (reassuring and cosy) and throw your rivals in front of the proverbial bus.
3 - Most importantly, reverse your position and give the fans what they want.
In this case, that is backing for their embattled manager Rafa Benitez, whose unique brand of domestic failure and European glory continues to do just enough to keep Kop fans onside.
"If I were to buy George [Gillett] out the first thing I would do is offer Rafa a one-year extension to make sure he is going to be here up to when we get the stadium," simpered Hicks.
"Hopefully we could have some success and then extend him again."
Hicks, you may recall (Benitez certainly does), spent most of the early part of the season offering the Spaniard's job to Jurgen Klinsmann, who wisely opted to take over at Bayern Munich instead.
But no! Hicks now claims it was Rick Parry who wanted to feed Rafa to the wolves while he was in the Benitez camp all along. That is why he wants Parry out.
Early Doors obviously doesn't know the full facts of the goings on at Anfield and it doesn't particularly care.
All it knows is that the Hicks charm offensive is easier to see through than Jodie Marsh's shirt.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I've not got a clue what happened. For me to comment on something I don't know anything about would be like me talking about politics. I never saw anything there...I think the Old Firm games have gone back to a 1980s style. When I first came here it was a footballing Old Firm but it's more intense now. Atmosphere-wise it's good, as long as the players maintain discipline." Gordon Strachan goes all Arsene Wenger when asked about the on-pitch brawl that erupted at the end of Celtic's Old Firm win last night. Well, you wouldn't notice grown men throwing punches at each other, would you?
FOREIGN VIEW: "To play a World Cup you have to be 200 percent. Someone came and pointed a rifle at my head and tied up my wife while the children were in the flat. There are times when there are more important things in life... For four months my home was watched by the police and my children had to be protected when they went to school." Johan Cruyff employs the Harry Redknapp approach to arithmetic as he explains his reasons for missing the 1978 World Cup.
TALKING POINT: Toughest league in the world? Here's aardhardt on the Estonian league, where it would appear that beatings are seen as a 'mellow' course of action: "This one time, in the Estonian league, the mafia came, offered bribes to players and when they didn't comply, three people's legs were broken. This was early 90s and the league has mellowed down since to the usual beatings and stuff."
james_ssmith is always good for a bizarre anecdote about foreign climes, although ED suspects he lives, and always has, in a two-up two-down in Dewsbury: "What about waterpolo? In the European cup final a few years ago, held in Ljubljana, between Serbia and Croatia the Croatian fans were so incensed by Serbia's victory that several Serbian ministers of state attending the game had to jump in the swimming pool to avoid certain death."
Today - Early Doors doesn't want to encourage swearing, but it would like to know what terms you think should be included in UEFA's football dictionary?
COMING UP: Premier League football on a Thursday? Whatever next? Uncle Avram could be back digging graves by this time next week, and anything but a Chelsea win at Everton will surely put the title beyond reach. It's at 8pm right here, and IT'S LIVE!!!
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IM this story1st comment... Youpiii
From yawboakye86 on Thu Apr 17 09:16AMWatch players' lips and you often hear "F**K OFF" (Wazza and Mascheranno should know what am talking about)
From yawboakye86 on Thu Apr 17 09:20AMfascinating today; but although much of this is drawn from real life, you make the place names up, don't you, or copy them from blake's seven or such like? i've heard of kuala lumpur as they do formula one there, but places called riga? Arminia whatever? Dewsbury?
incidentally, heard that mclaren and oleary where/are in barbados; is that one of the places that 'resting' footbal managers hide before returning with messianic grace to save their former clubs, and if so, are boro and leeds in for a keeganisc experience sometime soon?and on the topic of foreign languages, whatever heppened to the 'just speak more loudly and slowly' to them approach to abusing foreigners in their own land; anglo saxon phrases did alright for many years, is the present situation one of the outcomes of uefa? and do we really want to encourage it?
From c.hawcroft on Thu Apr 17 09:23AMKnow what a smiley is? I’ve never been an angry woman - chill out, kids. I’m simply misunderstood by retards ...and I know what it takes to make clockwork monkeys march around banging cymbals. ;o) respect goes to The_kop2003 - you’re obviously far smarter than I gave you credit for ;o)
Perhaps one should consider that this is a very popular blog with thousands of readers (not bloggers) - It’s ED’s blog; ED is the blogger (not you Gar@rseholetransgenders, ahh bless - try to keep up with who’s saying what to who ;o) and I’m sure It would be very glad to receive 127 relevant comments, but ubiquitous unrelated banter about why your team is better than another or why Ronaldo is brilliant, or talentless, makes finding the valid comments relating to the article, or the ‘Talking Point’, both difficult and irritating for everyone else. I’m simply sharing that ‘luuurve’ back with the serial comment abusers! - apparently, what’s good for the goose is not good for the gander. You know who you are... ;o)
That said, today’s talking point;
Chat-monkeys – prawn sandwich munching numpties that turn up at a match to chat with their mates rather than focussing on the action.
From simonedenham on Thu Apr 17 09:24AM"Putain" and "Merde" are two french words for the dictionary. "Salaud" is another to describe your opponent; hihi
From yawboakye86 on Thu Apr 17 09:26AM"you dont know what you are doing!" is quite useful i suppose
From eomnk on Thu Apr 17 09:32AMAs there are more and more arab players around I thought I would share a few arabic terms with you (I have been living in Morocco for 15 years and have picked up the lingo) HAMMAR=Donkey, a huge insult!!! KHRA=poo, T'KOUD=Go forth and multiply, ZBILL=Rubbish
From reynoldsj_2000 on Thu Apr 17 09:35AM@ simonedenham: U really are more bitter than u give urself credit for. The fact a woman who calls others "kids" is able to lose so much sleep over this "blog"/"forum" what-have-you just reminds about the insanity that's circulating our globe. C'est la vie.
I'm sure most folks in the UK (and possibly most of Europe) are now privy to the magic of the word "KURWA" (pronounced KURRRVAH). It originates from Poland and is used to comment every possible situation before, during or after a football match (I save it for situations, when the ref fails to award Ronny a free kick [again]).
From tosinsbox on Thu Apr 17 09:40AMwhen did B.I.T.T.E.R become a censorable word?
From tosinsbox on Thu Apr 17 09:41AM@ reynoldsj_2000: I'm curious - is calling someone a "donkey" in an Arabic country "a huge insult" because camels and horses are considered more noble?
From tosinsbox on Thu Apr 17 09:43AMSo ED "doesn't want to encourage swearing?" Judging by the posts yesterday I wonder..... Still todays another day eh, its all forgotten by ED no doubt. Hope todays comments get back to what we are supposed to be discussing, without vile remarks, hatred and nasty expletives. Cos SOME individuals just love that, names don't need mentioning.
As for todays topics, awe inspiring as they are? ....get back to you later. And kop 2003, I like you , but please don't retaliate to certain remarks, it panders to his nature. As he is still allowed access to the site, please IGNORE!!!
From barny1158 on Thu Apr 17 09:44AMtosinsbox, believe me, if you said that to an arab guy he would kill you and probably get away with it.
From reynoldsj_2000 on Thu Apr 17 09:52AMPerhaps we can get some good foreign translations for the usual goal kick chant of 'oooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh you're s*it arrghhhhhhhhhh'. That used to be my terrace favourite.
From freeandrewdickson on Thu Apr 17 09:54AMMorning barny, i always wondered what you look like and now i know you look just like, well, a cartoon!
Sorry tempers rose a little yesterday, and i begrudgingly have to admit that our chum simon is right about some of the moronic "comments" that are posted on here every day. I suppose i just have to accept that we (Simon and I) clash like chocolate and lager (i had some last night and it didn't, as promised, go down a treat) but we will live with it.I think that the term "she fell over" should be in there. I can just picture a whole terrace shouting "sie fiel rüber! sie fiel rüber!"
From the_kop2003 on Thu Apr 17 09:56AM@SimonDenham: Nagel dir doch dein Scheiss an die Kniescheibe. Du bist ein absolutes Arschloch. Wichser. Enough of the foreign rude stuff yet?
From garethcoletranslations on Thu Apr 17 10:07AMHey ;o) The potty filter doesn't work on German ;o)))
From garethcoletranslations on Thu Apr 17 10:11AMsomething about nailing his kneecaps, gareth? Don't rise to it, even though i would love some more foreign insults flying around... it's what makes a thursday a thursday!
From the_kop2003 on Thu Apr 17 10:16AMHammar really isn't that bad, try calling someone in Morocco a Zemel and you'll see what happens. Then again Mido called Hassan Shehata (Egyptian manager)a donkey when he was taken off in the African Cup final in 2006 and his reaction was furious, and the guy that came on in his place (Amr Zaki if i remember correctly) scored with his first touch. But I could think of a lot more derogatory terms that are worse than calling someone a donkey.
From double_t_uk2002 on Thu Apr 17 10:21AMKOP2003,
Whilst there may be some posts that don't necessarily please, we can just move on and ignore. As long as posts are not offensive it should not matter. The fact that one person deems himself to be overseer of what content is put on here, much to his dissatisfaction, and general irateness, is irrelevant. Its not his blog.
And the cartoon is as near me as I could get it, minus a few wrinkles....From barny1158 on Thu Apr 17 10:30AMJudging by the new addition of the letter "e" to his name, maybe Simon/Simone does indeed have his/her own fair share of gender-related issues.
On the footie front: surely Benitez will have to leave now, whatever happens, as he has been let down so badly and has no basis on which to build. Is there anybody else being talked about as a possible replacement?From garethcoletranslations on Thu Apr 17 10:33AMOk it's not a dictionary but when a game is replayed on say, match of the day why not have someone in the corner doing sign language telling you what the players are saying at the refs, it would be an interesting to watch someone signing "ref you ***** ******* what the **** was that you blind ******* cheating ******"
From ima_fat_tw on Thu Apr 17 10:34AMCompletely agree barny, i may not like some of the posts on here but i don't make it my interest to tell them you can't post on here you "chat-monkey".
So barny, what will you be adding to the dictionary?From the_kop2003 on Thu Apr 17 10:36AMgareth
I surely hope that Rafa stays on, but unless we stop coming out in public and slating each member of the board then it looks likely Rafa will tell G&H, with the help of a german translator, to "Nagel dir doch dein Scheiss an die Kniescheibe. Du bist ein absolutes Arschloch!"
From the_kop2003 on Thu Apr 17 10:39AMAs an aid to understanding the coaches and managers the phrase "I didn't see the incident" is obviously a must
From phayisin on Thu Apr 17 10:41AMChris Waddle - The equivalent of "dark matter" in the English vocabulary.
From davewhitt_2002 on Thu Apr 17 10:47AMNot sure I agree with foul words, but a few years back, some now Ex arsenal players loved to use the word "Putain" on a regular basis. (not sure about the spelling.) Means woman of ill repute I think......
From barny1158 on Thu Apr 17 10:52AMCan teach you a few russian swear words
From al_pachino666 on Thu Apr 17 10:53AMGarethcole,
It may seem you are in a place I was in just few days ago. My advice is simple my friend, have a scream, yell or what have you, compose yourself, deep breaths, and move on. He/she/it? Not worth your time. By the way, your german is good. !!!From barny1158 on Thu Apr 17 10:58AMI'm guessing by garethcoleTRANSLATIONS that he is multi lingual... and yes you should take mrs barny's advice. She's a knowledgable lass that one, i tell thee.
From the_kop2003 on Thu Apr 17 11:08AMThe word "diving" should be highlighted or put on the front page of the dictionary. It has to be one of the most used words in modern football. Except for Mauro Camoranesi and a few other exceptions, there aren't any south americans in the Euro 2008, but expect the word to be used a lot in matches involving Portugal.
From g_tande on Thu Apr 17 11:14AM
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