Wo ist der Bahnhof?
Thu Apr 17 08:56AM
Anyone who has ever attempted to learn a foreign language knows that in order to guarantee success you have to start with the basics.
Early Doors does not mean picking up rudimentary grammar, learning the alphabet or even knowing how to introduce oneself.
No, any linguistic course always starts with the swear words. That's what makes the Brits such marvellous and welcome guests the world over.
This tried and tested formula has benefited stag parties, travelling football fans and really anyone whose idea of a good time is to jet out to Riga, insult the locals and get smashed in the local Irish pub.
As a product of the British school system, Early Doors has a couple of GCSEs in foreign languages and reckons it could get by in any situation in France or Germany.
Any situation, that is, which involves ordering a ham sandwich or asking directions to the train station.
But when it comes to obscenity, ED is a borderline genius. It can say ******* ****** in no fewer than 18 languages, and took Kuala Lumpur by storm by referring to locals as ********s, shortly before being incarcerated and sentenced to an indeterminate number of lashes.
It is this primal urge to offend the good people whose only mistake was to let you into their country that informs UEFAs latest creation - a tri-lingual dictionary containing over 2,000 football terms in English, French and German.
"Any women who want to really impress their husbands during Euro 2008 should definitely think about buying it," said UEFA's in-no-way patronising head of language services Florian Simmen.
Sadly the dictionary contains, as you would expect from a major European organisation, a host of technical and administrative guff concerning national coefficients, draw procedures and the like.
And although it also contains vernacular definitions for "colourful terms", Early Doors wouldn't expect too much help for anyone looking to question the parentage of opposing fans on that tricky Intertoto Cup trip to Arminia Bielefeld.
In a former life, ED did some work for UEFA. While a lovely bunch of people, they did, as an official organisation, have to try rather hard not to upset anyone.
Language that hints at violence or militarism is a particular no-no. Clubs cannot be hammered or thrashed, strikers are always goalgetters and never marksmen, sharp-shooters or assassins, and describing a powerful shot as a 'tracer bullet' is a sackable offence.
- - -
Tom Hicks is a wily old fox. The man's name might be mud on Merseyside, but the Liverpool co-owner hasn't given up trying to win the fans over.
He has given an interview in which he follows a tried and tested formula:
1 - Show some tape of yourself enthusiastically watching a Liverpool game, preferably with close family members.
2 - Sit in front of the fire (reassuring and cosy) and throw your rivals in front of the proverbial bus.
3 - Most importantly, reverse your position and give the fans what they want.
In this case, that is backing for their embattled manager Rafa Benitez, whose unique brand of domestic failure and European glory continues to do just enough to keep Kop fans onside.
"If I were to buy George [Gillett] out the first thing I would do is offer Rafa a one-year extension to make sure he is going to be here up to when we get the stadium," simpered Hicks.
"Hopefully we could have some success and then extend him again."
Hicks, you may recall (Benitez certainly does), spent most of the early part of the season offering the Spaniard's job to Jurgen Klinsmann, who wisely opted to take over at Bayern Munich instead.
But no! Hicks now claims it was Rick Parry who wanted to feed Rafa to the wolves while he was in the Benitez camp all along. That is why he wants Parry out.
Early Doors obviously doesn't know the full facts of the goings on at Anfield and it doesn't particularly care.
All it knows is that the Hicks charm offensive is easier to see through than Jodie Marsh's shirt.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I've not got a clue what happened. For me to comment on something I don't know anything about would be like me talking about politics. I never saw anything there...I think the Old Firm games have gone back to a 1980s style. When I first came here it was a footballing Old Firm but it's more intense now. Atmosphere-wise it's good, as long as the players maintain discipline." Gordon Strachan goes all Arsene Wenger when asked about the on-pitch brawl that erupted at the end of Celtic's Old Firm win last night. Well, you wouldn't notice grown men throwing punches at each other, would you?
FOREIGN VIEW: "To play a World Cup you have to be 200 percent. Someone came and pointed a rifle at my head and tied up my wife while the children were in the flat. There are times when there are more important things in life... For four months my home was watched by the police and my children had to be protected when they went to school." Johan Cruyff employs the Harry Redknapp approach to arithmetic as he explains his reasons for missing the 1978 World Cup.
TALKING POINT: Toughest league in the world? Here's aardhardt on the Estonian league, where it would appear that beatings are seen as a 'mellow' course of action: "This one time, in the Estonian league, the mafia came, offered bribes to players and when they didn't comply, three people's legs were broken. This was early 90s and the league has mellowed down since to the usual beatings and stuff."
james_ssmith is always good for a bizarre anecdote about foreign climes, although ED suspects he lives, and always has, in a two-up two-down in Dewsbury: "What about waterpolo? In the European cup final a few years ago, held in Ljubljana, between Serbia and Croatia the Croatian fans were so incensed by Serbia's victory that several Serbian ministers of state attending the game had to jump in the swimming pool to avoid certain death."
Today - Early Doors doesn't want to encourage swearing, but it would like to know what terms you think should be included in UEFA's football dictionary?
COMING UP: Premier League football on a Thursday? Whatever next? Uncle Avram could be back digging graves by this time next week, and anything but a Chelsea win at Everton will surely put the title beyond reach. It's at 8pm right here, and IT'S LIVE!!!
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IM this storyA bit rich that Mido should call anyone a donkey. Maybe the term "Mido" should be internationally adopted for a pie eating, goal shy moaner.
From mpasc66 on Thu Apr 17 11:18AMThanks.
Getting back to the Benitez saga, I did say the other day that business and footie matters do not necessarily mix well and as Tom Hicks has come out and said he will give Benitez a new contract if he gets to buy more of the club? .....Sort of confirms my post the other day that managers can end up being yes men for the "businessman" owners,and pawns for the bartering. Not good and far from fair.Benitez has been treated appallingly.
From barny1158 on Thu Apr 17 11:18AMas a frequent goer to U.D. Marbella, it tickles me when i hear "Arbitro. ¡Tu madre es una cerda!" there have been some really dodgey decisions this season
From marcosdelama on Thu Apr 17 11:20AMone for the fans "can we play you every week?"
From g_evil_h on Thu Apr 17 11:28AMBarny, Kop: ;o)
From garethcoletranslations on Thu Apr 17 11:35AMPridurki, urody, kretiny
From al_pachino666 on Thu Apr 17 11:36AMMeans idiots, buggers, freaks
From al_pachino666 on Thu Apr 17 11:36AMTo add to the proverbial ED dictionary, "Wo ist der PUB" (Gareth, german for pub please? My german was useless at school.) Then again will there be any English fans at Euro 2008 to need any translations? I wonder.......
From barny1158 on Thu Apr 17 11:46AM..
As tosinsbox wrote - KURWA (or pronounced KURRRVAH ) originates from Poland, but I can assure You it means @#$% / HORE in HUNGARIAN!! Interesting, hah??
..a Hungarian Liverpool and Krisztian Nemeth Supporter..From katona777 on Thu Apr 17 12:12PMWo ist die KNEIPE?
From garethcoletranslations on Thu Apr 17 12:16PM@the-kop, no wonder. u must be riling at that 3-0 loss. the portuguese was the plunderer
From kaggwa2000 on Thu Apr 17 12:25PM@the-kop2003, no wonder. u must be riling at that 3-0 loss. the portuguese was the plunderer
From kaggwa2000 on Thu Apr 17 12:25PMreynolds thanks for the advice, next time I have cause to insult one of our Arab cousins I will be armed with the useful phrase "t'koud zbill khra hammar" ... "go forth and multiply you rubbish poo donkey".
Who said ED and the resulting discussions were a waste of time?!!!
From dozey_gsy on Thu Apr 17 12:26PMI heard in once somewhere .. that the fastest sending off was in a lower division game : 4 seconds !!!
The striker stood next to the referee in the circle at the first whistle and shouted: " Ohh f**kin' @#$% / sh*t that was LOUD ! Red card.
The swear words in football are common language everywhere from top to bottom level. Rooney is my prime example.. He swears at the referre and linesman all the time and gets away with it. Remember when he clapped a Swedish referre after a yellow card in a CL match in Villarreal?! He was sent off immediately. International referre - right judgement. Well well and Mascherano gets sent off the other day for cursing all the time RIGHTLY SO, but Rooney doesn't :S - English referee.
Has EVER an English referre sent off Rooney for cursing, swearing?? I can't remember.. Anyone?From katona777 on Thu Apr 17 12:33PMPost No.4 - Simon you appear to have a nervous tick in your right eye. There are muscle-relaxing drugs you can take to nullify this affliction, which is quite off-putting - sorry to bring it up.
In the same way my girlfriend, and people from Hereford, are vaguely aware that there is a Football World Cup that is on occasionally but have no in interest in it and consequently don't watch it, I am vaguely aware that there is a World Handbag Championships currently in progress. I discovered this surprising fact whilst skimming through the above posts looking for footballing views, or, failing that, something amusing to read while at my desk.
ED, if and when this event reaches it's - I am sure - dramatic and nail-bitingly exciting conclusion, perhaps you can present the proud victor with a cup of some sort? Or at least a medal?
From alsltd on Thu Apr 17 12:39PMah al_pachino666, we get those a lot in the Estonian league
Jop tvoju mat, joobanoi kozjol! . A suggestion to perform intercourse with a maternal figure followed by something i dare not translate. Also after I nutmegged a defender an was after a while waiting for a corner, he suggested to rearrange my facial features by asking: po mordy hochesh? I think the million dollars spent by our government to promote Estonia around the world is being single-handedly torn down by yours truly. It's good, really. We have beautiful women.
From aardhaart on Thu Apr 17 12:56PMOops. did not mean to imply I play in the top flight, far from it. Just an observation from the Sunday League
From aardhaart on Thu Apr 17 12:58PMI actually from Estonia myself, only I'm russian..... And I do know that estonians use russian swear words. That's sounds so funny thou
))From al_pachino666 on Thu Apr 17 01:10PM@kaggwa2000 for posts 41 and 42 (both the same)
What are you on about? If you are referring to our loss to Man Utd a few weeks back, then congratulations you worked out i support Liverpool quite suprisingly from my name.
Other than that, i have no idea "über was Sie sprechen".
From the_kop2003 on Thu Apr 17 01:18PMsimonedenham. please don't use the word "retard" as an insult.
From michelangeloindeed on Thu Apr 17 01:21PMThey should give some special treatment to the words "offside" and "penalty". Beyond the usual explanations there must be also "political offside", also referred to as "uefa offside", and "host penalty". I believe England fans should not regret their side missing the European Championship. UEFA and FIFA did their best in leading international competitions from bad to worse. I don't think you have forgotten Korea 2002.
From raykov_t on Thu Apr 17 01:35PMGarethcole,
Ta for that, you are a much educated man, very envious of your linguistic capabilities. Can utter some french, italian, little spanish, enough for my holidays, thats it.
Aardhaart; excuse my ignorance , but I would never know how to pronounce what you have written!! Not that I would have occasion to utter such words, but I do envy anyone who is bi-lingual.From barny1158 on Thu Apr 17 01:40PMHello all. I live in Italy and i would like to point out this fact: Italian does not have many swear worlds (at least in comparison to English) but what is funny is that I can think of at least about 30 "swear signs". Now can you imagine a full house San Siro in dead silence still delivering an abundant variety of obscenities to the ref and players? Would you think UEFA have thought about this for their dictionary? Do you think they are actally capable of thought? Cheers
From gcondemi on Thu Apr 17 02:06PMas al_pachino pointed out, Estonians trying to utter Russian sounds ridiculous most of the time. Now Finnish I am more adept at. Unfortunately the swearing is mostly the same. However, Estonian for hawk is Finnish for the male reproductive organ. There was a racing driver named Hawk that used to create quite a stir when competing in the Finnish league. Then he chose an alias, Finnish for hawk.
I think motd should be subtitled whenever possible! highly entertaining.
From aardhaart on Thu Apr 17 02:08PMermm i think it should incourage players to stop diving or how to do it proply so the drog can get it right lol mybe how to refere for the fans at home young kids to leard from! how about that or sumthing boring noing uefa!!!
From greglfc on Thu Apr 17 02:13PMDang it! im late on here again, must be earlier tomorrow. Funny morning again. My german saying to you is "Ich gebrochen mein hund," not sure if its spelt well. If your dyslexic in English you must be dyslexic in German.
It actually means " I broke my dog" could be useful.I do think Rafa is a great manager, i still think he needs to change his team, dont get me wrong Stevie G is a great player, but should the whole team be based around him. Il let you guys discuss.
From goodechuff2001 on Thu Apr 17 02:34PMThere is a saying that football is a universal language. Erm, so is the language the players use, to themselves and the match officials. Watching them, no one needs to be experts at lip reading, Rooney, Ferdinand, Terry, Mascherano are all great advertisements for "footie language" eh boys? Lol
From barny1158 on Thu Apr 17 02:53PMI play football on a Saturday with a guy who teaches PE at my old sixth form and he is a top bloke, good footballer and has a great engine so never stops running. He has a tendency to have a go at referee's using foul language but always adresses them as 'sir' which is hilarious when he is getting worked up!
"For eff's sake, sir, that is beeping outragous, sir!"From the_kop2003 on Thu Apr 17 03:10PMThe (in)famous words that Materazzi said to Zidane in last World Cup final should be included in this dictionary under the title "How to piss off your rivals and make them get a red card"...
From andresf1984 on Thu Apr 17 03:48PMDennis wise once said, “We’ve signed five foreigned players this season. But don’t worry, I’ll be on hand to learn them a bit of English”. Instead of a tri- lingual football dictionary for foreigners, maybe the FA should create their own dictionary for brainless English footballers.Interestingly when Gian Franco Zola was asked how his English was coming on, he replied. "Well it helps if i don't spend too much time with English player".He was quite serious. But what about UEFA’s new Tri- Lingual phrase book? No doubt, it would probably have to feature a wide selection of Ron Atkinson phrases- like the strangely familiar ‘Early Doors’. Sadly, Professor Atkinson is no longer with us, ( I mean he’s no longer commentating-still alive I think) but the new UEFA phrasebook could provide a rough translation of the following: “The boys done good there, getting in early doors to play a spotter’s badge for Rooney to put Ronaldo clear, who’s done one lollipop , two lollipops, three lollipops, and then smashed it in at the second post.” What a lot of gibberish or Ronglish as it has become known.Even no nonsense players like Roy Keane may have needed an interpreter in their time. The new UEFA phrasebook could translate the following quip from Keano: “The Gaffers read us the riot act there at full time. He’s given us a serious dose of hair dryer treatment I can tell you. We didn’t deserve to win there today but I don’t take kindly to being booed off the pitch by the fu**in prawn sandwich brigade.”The long and short of it is that nobody in the game of football has the faintest idea what they are talking about.So a UEFA phrasebook...that would come in very handy thank you very much.
From samuelbanks on Thu Apr 17 04:17PM
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