What's the deal with airline food?
Mon Apr 21 08:59AM
During Arsenal's game against Reading, Early Doors noticed a mysterious message on the advertising hoardings proclaiming: "The Cesc Fabregas Show".
As billboards go, it was obviously no match for the legendary "Morten Olsen prefers Widex hearing aids", but fairly intriguing all the same.
Early Doors naturally assumed it was a sly dig at the Gunners' reliance on their boy genius, but it turns out young Cesc has indeed got his own one-hour TV special.
Like Derby County, the programme "attempts to bring together the worlds of football and comedy", and ED can't wait to hear him reel off a few one-liners in his opening monologue.
"I said to my wife, 'Where do you wanna go for our anniversary?'
"She said, 'Let's go somewhere I've never been.'
"I said, 'Try the kitchen.'"
[Cymbal crash]
"The last time I was in Spain I got through six Federico Garcia Lorca novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
"No, but seriously folks. My father only hit me once - but he used a Seat Ibiza."
Early Doors hopes that, as with all good 'An Audience With' programmes, the show features guest appearances from some familiar faces.
Jens Lehmann as Basil Fawlty: Lanky, balding custodian who feels the world is against him and doesn't like to mention the war. Blames everything on Manuel.
Harry Redknapp as Derek Trotter: Mystifyingly popular salt-of-the-earth type who likes a bit of wheeler-dealing. Assisted by a big plonker, Tony 'Rodney' Adams.
David Beckham as Derek Zoolander: "I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is."
Steve McClaren as David Brent: Wernham Hogg's finest explains McClaren's Wembley meltdown against Croatia thus: "If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation."
John Motson as Alan Partridge: Horribly out of touch, yet still able to conjure moments of hyperbolic commentary genius: "The proof is in the pudding and the pudding in this case is a football. Boof! Eat my goal! The goalie has got football pie all over his shirt!"
But there will also be serious drama. A corporate "insider", possibly clothed in numerous large swooshes, said: "Cesc's acting ability was frightening."
Frightening in a good way, you understand. Like the Exorcist or the Blair Witch Proje... well, like the Exorcist.
Cesc's smouldering performance was like watching a young Robert De Niro in the Godfather II, only in front of a sycophantic studio audience (much like an Arsenal home game, then).
In a 'sneak preview', he is shown flying into a rage at his agent (Must. Resist. Temptation to mock. Ashley. Cole. They're. Taking the p**s. Jonathan.).
Fabregas furiously sweeps a load of paper off a desk and breaks a window, but in a way that suggests he doesn't really want to make a mess.
The breathless insider continued: "Like with his football, he really took it to the next level and it'd be no surprise if he started getting calls from Hollywood when his football career is over!"
Of course, Vinnie Jones has already conquered the big screen in such blockbusters as Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Mean Machine and Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties.
Despite his impeccable acting credentials, it would be a push to call Jones multitalented, giving his singular lack of football ability.
Vinnie gave Reading the benefit of his unique brand of motivational speaking before Saturday's game via a special video.
The Royals lost the game and now lie just one point off the relegation. Cheers, Vinnie. Maybe you should stick to shooting people with pretend guns.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I have played at Liverpool and I have played in derbies, I have played in the Maracana, I have played in the Nep Stadium, but this is the best place in the world when you are winning. It's a tough place if you are not going well, but hey, they are the rules of the game." Kevin Keegan has a dig at the Toon Army in the middle of a typically odd ramble. The Nep Stadium?
ENGLAND GOALKEEPER OF THE DAY: David James, whose calamitious mix-up with Sol Campbell led to Manchester City's first goal against Portsmouth. Looks like Jamo might not pick up the PFA Player of the Year award after all.
STROPPY FOREIGN STEREOTYPE OF THE DAY: Let's see how many boxes Mauro Zarate ticks: Fancy-dan South American attacker? Check. Greasy locks held in place by hairband? Check. Goes missing in blood-and-thunder derby game? Check. Gets in a right paddy when substituted? Check.
FOREIGN VIEW: The Portuguese and Italian media have got very excited at claims in the Currant Bun and Mirror that Jose Mourinho is going to Inter and is taking Frank Lampard and Didier Drogba with him. They know it's almost certainly untrue, right?
TALKING POINT: The Early Doors message board has turned into West Side Story. It is not entirely clear who are the Jets and who are the Sharks, but it's open warfare. If you're going to meet up and have an actual fight (preferably with knives and nunchuks), send ED a tape. Otherwise, all this cyper-sniping seems a bit pointless. Let's just stick to slagging off Middlesbrough, eh?
Today - Any additions to the footballers-as-comedians canon? Submit your suggestions below.
COMING UP: No live football today, but there is Team of the Week, Winners and Losers and a whole load of other features.
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IM this storyBack to form... good start to the morning - See I can be as sycophantic as a Cesc Fabregas audience member
From g_hine on Mon Apr 21 09:12AMmorning ED
From andyc147 on Mon Apr 21 09:13AMU mean I missed warfare?
From tosinsbox on Mon Apr 21 09:14AMBest Early Doors i have read, what a great way to start a Monday. Top notch guys, and i refuse to take part in a full scale riot because, frankly, I'm a nancy boy.
From the_kop2003 on Mon Apr 21 09:24AMWise up ED.If you want to stop the 'sniping' get rid of the people who are doing it.What sort of a talking piont was that? The articles just get worse and worse.
From samuelbanks on Mon Apr 21 09:37AMBit old I know, but Graeme Souness in the eighties, dead ringer for "Baz" in Harry Enfields tele show back then.. .and Tery Mcdermott the brother Gaz?....Emile Heskey aka Lenny Henry...? ... and Cashley cole earning a few more bucks as Chris Rocks stand in....
From barny1158 on Mon Apr 21 09:38AMI could see Dennis Wise linking up with someone called Morcombe to do a bit of stand up but I can see the likeness with Norman Wisdom too - he was always falling over & making a pratt of himself...
From nickrichco on Mon Apr 21 09:40AMEarly Doors had the easiest of chances at comedy today, but opted to hit the post with a "Westside Story" reference instead of "The Outsiders".
This mistake will surely resurrect "The Early Doors Diss of The Day!"
From jasondharrison on Mon Apr 21 09:46AMFootball comedy man? How about Roy Hodgson as Frankie Howard? "Titter ye not, Fulham are good enough for the Premiership" - comedy gold! And a few years ago "Ooh, I might have been sacked by Blackburn, but I should be England manager." Classic! And as for his blind faith in Jari...
From dantomprez on Mon Apr 21 09:55AMDon't be silly - Dennis Wise is Nookie Bear
From g_hine on Mon Apr 21 09:55AMDavid Walliams could do his gerontophiliac sketch as a manager motivating one or two of the premier league goalkeepers. Whatever happened to giving a chance to potential Peter Shiltons?
From james_ssmith on Mon Apr 21 09:59AMNep Stadium, Budapest. Wonder what game mad kev is referring to....
From drpeterreynolds on Mon Apr 21 10:00AMAlan Pardew as Dirty Den and Glen Roeder as Curly
From marcosdelama on Mon Apr 21 10:11AMDamn! Now I have to go and look up what gerontophiliac means!
From nickrichco on Mon Apr 21 10:16AMED, what IS the deal with airline food? You never said.
From the_kop2003 on Mon Apr 21 10:21AMFerguson and Arsene Wenger - Harry Enfield's "The Old Gits"
From g_hine on Mon Apr 21 10:23AMAlan Hansen and Mark Lawrenson as Cannon and Ball, (sorry, another golden oldie,) Neil razor ruddock as the late Mike Reid,......and Robbie Savage as..well robbie Savage, a comedian in his own right eh?
From barny1158 on Mon Apr 21 10:40AMCapello as Harry Worth if anyone can remember that not very funny genial incompetent. Or Capello as one of Dick Emery's drag characters - the desperate one. Capello - "You're a nice young man". Beckham "Fank you very much". Capello "Are you married?"
From james_ssmith on Mon Apr 21 10:41AMthat was priceless this morning, kept muffling laughs with choking noises, might get the day off now, shirley you could have brought Fat Frank into the cameo appearence as Fat bastrd from Austin Powers? my favourite ED ever is still when he was likened to an Avocado, man a day rarely goes by without bringing that up from the archives... Jens, Basil, Manuel, genius
From duffyshuffle on Mon Apr 21 10:47AMDave Dee as Mourinho? Roy Keane as the Dr.House character played by Hugh Laurie, minus the limp and painkillers, but still unpleasant to his team. Have to earn my living now.
From james_ssmith on Mon Apr 21 10:47AMSexist jokes?! How very dare you, ED?! ;o)
From simondenham on Mon Apr 21 10:50AMAnyone else think Roy Keane at yesterdays Tyne/Wear derby looked like 'Psycho Paul' from BBC2's Ideal?
From yearzero81 on Mon Apr 21 10:54AMScraping the barrel but, how about gordon strachan as Jimmy Krankie, Gary Megson aka Lee evans, and Andy Gray as Billy connolly, well at least Andy's commentaries have lots of comic value.......James I hate to admit I sort of remember Harry worth, Trilby and glasses yes?
From barny1158 on Mon Apr 21 10:55AMRubbish
From helmza on Mon Apr 21 10:56AMbig ron atkinson, comedy genius!! makes a prat of himself every time he talks
From marcgrant7 on Mon Apr 21 10:56AMThe Premiership managers in a re-make of Dad`s Army to be entitled MANAGER`S ARMY and staring:- Steve Coppell as Capt.Mainwaring - ineffectual leader of a bunch of missfits: Arsene Wenger as Sgt.Wilson - "Oh! I say! That just isn`t on. (when he isn`t playing Hello Hello`s Officer Crabtree - Gute Moaning"
; Kevin Kegan as Cpl.Jones - they don`t like it up `em: Alex McLeish as Pte.Frazer - "Doomed! Doomed! we`re all doomed: Harry Redknapp as Pte.Walker "`ere! `av I got a deal for you": Gavin Southgate as Pte.Pike - "stop picking on me": Avram Grant as Pte.Godfrey - Please sir! may I be excused?": Alex Ferguson as ARP Warden Hodges - "you bunch of hooligans"and Sven-Goran Eriksson as The Vicar - "You know ziz is my office".From safire183 on Mon Apr 21 10:57AMOK. This was a weekend of entertainment.
To further cement ED's place in the hall of journalistic heavyweights, I feel this cannot be left untold.
An Estonian newspaper referring to ED as "Eurosport's info letter" picked up the story (well not really) of alleged beatings in Estonian football and sent a formal inquiry to the Estonian Football Association. The paper ran it in their online publication (http://www.ekspress.ee/2008/04/19/sport/2268-euro
sport-maffia-murdis-90ndatel-eestis-kolme-jalgpall
uri-jalaluud) for anyone feeling particularily good at Estonian
The representative went on to state these allegations (sic!) were absurd and that he had "only" had proof of a team being disqualified in the early 90s because burglars broke into a referee's house trying to convince him to help said team in the league.
All this because I posted what this ukrainian bloke told me occured in a lowly semi-professional league match
I, aardhaart (or aardhaardt as pasted by ED - forgiven - and naturally the newspaper - not -, since, honestly, who can be bothered to check?).Being of the inquisitive nature that I am, I rang him up and he told me that actually happened back in his country! I feel my journalistic (commentatory?) integrity is now in shambles
I am expecting a story in the Corriera Della Sport suing Eurosport for their official #1 source of facts and solid evidence info letter (tm) referring to Cappello in a derogatory manner.
Oh, good article btw
From aardhaart on Mon Apr 21 11:07AMJust to clarify: the beatings I was referring to in that comment actually took place between fans. This happened in the top flight here: the fans of the top two teams - one of which has an ethnically mostly russian following and the other one being mostly estonian had a bit of a jostly after the match. Of course, the paper assumed these were also between the don corleones and footy players. Funny storm in a water glass is all I can say!
From aardhaart on Mon Apr 21 11:37AMAvram Grant as Tony Hancock. The monotone delivery, the constant struggle to cope with a world gone mad, the feeling that whatever he does he is still doomed to fail. Even on an HD TV he appears to be in black and white. All he's missing is the homburg and the alcoholism (though given the way things are going at Chelsea who knows?).
From chrisnewman950 on Mon Apr 21 11:40AMTalking of Basil Fawlty -William Gallas does a good impression-will ocaasionally Fall to his hands and knees in a fit of despair.I take it you all remember his little hissy fit after the Birmingham game.Did he cry aswell.Very much like Basil fawlty then.Don't mention the wa.. or i mean the Injury to Mr Eduardo.
From samuelbanks on Mon Apr 21 12:08PM
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