Pain in the neck
Tue Apr 22 08:57AM
Good news for binary fans. The rivalry that deals only in zeroes and ones is back to bore the pants off us for the fourth time in as many seasons.
The results of Liverpool and Chelsea's six Champions League encounters since 2005 read thus: 0-0, 1-0, 0-0, 0-0, 1-0, 0-1. Which is fine if you are an Intel central processing unit; less so if you enjoy the odd goal.
If you're Jose Mourinho, the sequence is even more nought-heavy, as one of the three precious strikes was not even a goal.
All we have from 570 minutes of football is efforts from Daniel Agger, Joe Cole, and that infamous Luis Garcia 'goal' that might or might not have crossed the line (although using goalline technology to actually get the right answer would destroy the game and everything it stands for). Oh, and a penalty shootout.
Despite the quality of players on show, nobody is salivating at seeing Torres, Gerrard, Drogba and Cole strut their stuff, or anticipating bags of flair or open football. Not even Early Doors is that stupid.
No. All the talk is of desire, fear, toughness, war cries and mental blocks. This tie will be played inside the two teams' heads, which is rarely preferable to playing on a large, rectangular piece of turf.
Gerrard returns after his neck injury, sustained heading a ball in training. A more cynical observer than Early Doors might point out that the injury was a mightily convenient way of dodging criticism for leaving Gerrard out of Saturday's Fulham game.
But after watching Stevie G crane his neck in training (above), ED is convinced that the injury was not only painful, but possibly career-threatening.
Meanwhile, John Terry has laughed off suggestions the Chelsea dressing room isn't behind Avram Grant as, well, "laughable".
A week after Tal Ben-Haim said he wouldn't have signed for Chelsea if he'd known Grant was going to be in charge, talk of unrest at Stamford Bridge has been dismissed as pure speculation.
Terry himself provoked questions over Grant's authority by delivering the on-pitch team-talk before extra-time in the Carling Cup final while his boss skulked miserably around the in the background.
"We are totally behind the manager," said the Chelsea skipper. Although Grant might prefer to have Terry in front of him where he can see him.
"It is bizarre because since Avram took over, one thing we've done is that if any players are unhappy or has a problem, we've all got together, as you need to do, and speak our minds," said Terry. With or without Grant in the room?
- - -
It's official: England are bottlers.
There are few things scientists like doing more than confirming what everybody knows.
Eating burgers and boozing is bad for you. People in the North are friendlier. The world is getting warmer (American readers can delete that one as appropriate).
You may remember Early Doors reporting "proof" that teams in red do better. Because of some warlike instinct, of course, not because they are Manchester United, Arsenal or Liverpool.
Now boffins have proved that German footballers have ice coursing through their Teutonic veins, while their English counterparts are a bunch of weak-kneed losers.
Scottish academics, presumably looking for a way both to maintain their state funding and have a pop at the Sassenachs, teamed up with some chaps in Exeter to investigate why England are so rotten at penalties.
It turns out to be the ultimate self-fulfilling prophecy: We know we are going to lose, so we lose.
"If you look at the performance of individuals in the England team it would appear that they are not particularly worse than the Germans," said Prof Alex Haslam.
"But when they play for England they are aware that others expect them to fail, just as the Germans know that others expect them to win, and that has an impact on their performance and will compromise it."
All of which is a very highbrow way of saying: "You're s*** and you know you are."
- - -
Does my bum look big in this? Unequivocally, yes.
Or at least it does if you are Wolves striker Sylvan Ebanks-Blake, who has come under fire for his voluptuous physique.
Ebanks-Blake ripped his shirt off after scoring on Saturday to persuade fans he is not overweight. Early Doors remembers David Ginola doing the same when accused by then-Villa manager John Gregory of "carrying a bit of timber".
But it seems the Wolves faithful were not convinced, and now the 13-stone-4 striker is considering doing a Full Monty against Cardiff tonight to prove he is just big-boned.
"If we win I might take all my clothes off. I've got an arch in my back and my bum sticks out," he said. Early Doors can't wait.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "It is a very open semi-final, in which there will be a lot of goals," Fernando Torres discusses the Champions League showdown they've all been waiting for, before adding: "It's totally the opposite of ours."
LEFT-LEANING BROADSHEET'S GEORGE ORWELL-REFERENCING HEADLINE OF THE DAY: "Glum Henry attracts few homages in Catalonia as form and fitness decline." (The Guardian, obviously)
FOREIGN VIEW: It is hard to think of a way in which Ronald "He's going to flip one!" Koeman could have done a worse job at Valencia. In a few short months he took a team that was fourth in the table and still in the Champions League, and turned them into relegation battlers while drumming out several senior players. And now he is out of a job. It's enough to make the Valencia daily Superdeporte scream "Liquidated!".
TALKING POINT: Suggestions for a football-comedy connection:
"How about Roy Hodgson as Frankie Howerd? "Titter ye not, Fulham are good enough for the Premiership." dantomprez
"Avram Grant as Tony Hancock. The monotone delivery, the constant struggle to cope with a world gone mad, the feeling that whatever he does he is still doomed to fail. Even on an HD TV he appears to be in black and white. All he's missing is the homburg and the alcoholism." chrisnewman950
"David Beckham as Joe Pasquale. Yes, they both have a squeaky voice, but they also have another thing in common. They're both useless at football." samuelbanks
COMING UP: There's a Champions League semi-final coming up - follow it live with us from 7.45pm. Earlier, if you like. Plus we've got Paul Parker on Manchester United's 4-0 mauling by Barcelona in 1994, a Fernando Torres exclusive and, you know, just some news.
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IM this storyi read this every day at 4pm in taiwan. keep it coming.
From rwilsonuk84 on Tue Apr 22 09:08AMThere are 10 types of people, those who know binary and those who dont
From jacquesbittar on Tue Apr 22 09:17AMThink ED missed the quote of the day from Rafa talking about how lucky Lpool were to win the Champ League in 2005 "I have seen that squad for the final in 2005 maybe 20 times, and I still think 'Oooooh, I wonder how we did it. A surprise, eh?," he said. At least someone from Liverpool now admits they were lucky as fook to win that title. Could we see some honesty from their fans as well on the subject?
From dougbororobson on Tue Apr 22 09:34AMI got a message on ED! After my first ever comment! Get in! Made my day. Hmmm what has my life come to?
From dantomprez on Tue Apr 22 09:37AMAvram Grant and Jack Dee, uncanny! Except Avram may need to work on his comedic timing and possibly extend his vocabulary a little.
From davewhitt_2002 on Tue Apr 22 09:40AMEbanks-Blake is a bit of a porker, but i'm waiting for ED to do a pre/post Martin Jol fat test on the Spurs squad. Does wonders for your football when you can run again... Actually, thinking about it, Martin Jol = Marjorie Dawes "Anybody, no? Dusht!"
From splatrowe on Tue Apr 22 09:42AMI got a comment on! First post too. Thanks ED. Can't believe you're not licking your lips at the prospect of Liverpool and Chelsea circling each other like nervous teenagers plucking up the courage to ask each other out. Their annual advert for 'The Best League in the World' TM is what football is all about. Balls to flair and attacking, just for heavens sake don't lose.
From chrisnewman950 on Tue Apr 22 09:49AMIts a shame, we all know Scouse FC vs Russian Mafia FC will only end in a binary scoreline - but we'll still sit through 90 minutes of earth shatteeringly dreary stuff. Don't know why.
On a side note,
Anyone else see the similarities between Roy Keane and Sir Alex Ferguson
They were both pretty decent players in their footballing days.
They are both really stubborn f**kers. (People you wouldn't really want to cross) Bobby McCulley (one of Fergie's players when he managed East Stirlingshire) said (of Fergie) "He terrified us. I'd never been afraid of anyone before but he was such a frightening bastard from the start"
They both chew so much gum on match days, it's a miracle Wrigleys hasn't offered an endorsement contract.In essence, Keano is a 30-something year old Fergie.
(I'm a Man United Fan, in case you were wondering.)
From aquapond1 on Tue Apr 22 10:00AMPerhaps the Scottish academics should have been assessing why Scotland never qualify for major tournaments any more. Come to think of it, there is a job there for English academics too...... David Ginola "carrying timber"? Maybe I have seen too many American films of the xxx variety, but when I hear a phrase like that, it makes me think Ginola was an impressive guy in the showers if you get my drift....and how would John Gregory know that?? Everton are supposed to be interested in Ebanks. Put him with Yakubu and the club will have to change the theme tune from "Z Cars" to "Baby got back" by Sit Mix-a-lot!!
From andywalker269 on Tue Apr 22 10:02AMI live and work with a bunch of Liverpool fans. They are so excited about the match tonight. They really don't realise how boring, utterly dire it will be. I hope it is exciting as I will be forced to watch it with them. And I do hope they win, or my life will be unbearable as they analyse it to death. But then it will be a giggle if Chelski win.
From dantomprez on Tue Apr 22 10:03AMwoops typo, should be Sir Mix-a-lot. By the way, come on Chelsea tonight!
From andywalker269 on Tue Apr 22 10:04AMAs a Pompey fan i'd call dibs on that song for Harry Redknapp. I can hear it now, the Chimes ringing out round Fratton Park, and a rousing chorus of 'I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny...' from the Fratton End.
From splatrowe on Tue Apr 22 10:13AMNow lets be accurate here .Scientists dont confirm what we already know . Scientists put meaning and explanation to our own experiences .We observe patterns of activity and events and we formulate an initial view of the relevant correlation eg utd and liverpool win things and they both play in red , so red is the important factor . to be continued...
From gossagemartin on Tue Apr 22 10:16AMThere was me thinking that Roy Keane had mellowed a touch since becoming a manager, boy was that theory thrown after his attack of rage at his team on saturday. Thought his head was about to explode like a volcano (just prior to half time against the toon)Still after all those years under Fergie, what else did we expect. Was a matter of time really before the 'pretence' of being calm,level headed, and in control was exposed. Agree with the comment, he is indeed Alex in the making. Frightening !! As for the game between Liverpool and Chelsea, maybe we will all be pleasantly surprised and there will be a goal feast. Then again, maybe not.
From barny1158 on Tue Apr 22 10:22AMScience will then show where in our ancient history that red has become synomomous with victory .Thus ,as our brains work to fulfill expectation ,
we see red and our mental capacities are energised to complete a pattern of success. It is the same with England at penalties .We see penalties and expect failure so our brain ensures it happens .Humans ?..pretty crap really !!"I EXPECT BIRMINGHAM TO STAY UP ","I EXPECT BIRMINGHAM TO STAY UP" I EXPECT BIR..........................From gossagemartin on Tue Apr 22 10:23AMI'm a West Ham fan- so it's great that one of those two will be losers tonight! Ha ha tuff titties. (Not jealous that we can't even make the Inter toytown cup....)
From whfcuptonpark on Tue Apr 22 10:29AMShame Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink is past it really, could have had a three up front line of him, Ebanks and Yakubu, for the Toffees. What a sight eh Andy, Everton could be renamed Big Butt Scousers F.C.Sorry just my little jest, not long been up being day off and all that....
From barny1158 on Tue Apr 22 10:32AMTonight we've got two of the most defensive-minded teams in Europe going at it, and tomorrow you've got two of the most attacking teams in Europe having a go. It's gonna make for an interesting final... Who else for 0-0 tonight and 2-2 tomorrow...?
From jcverm on Tue Apr 22 10:36AMAnd then 1-1 at the Bridge (Gerrard penalty to win it at the end) and 2-0 for United at Old Trafford...
From jcverm on Tue Apr 22 10:42AMIm not really excited about tonights match. But you cant tell me knowone is excited about tommorows prospect of Barca against Man Utd. I hope its worth getting excited about.
From goodechuff2001 on Tue Apr 22 10:52AMA football comedy connection? That's easy. Newcastle United.
From t.nutkins on Tue Apr 22 10:58AMForget the football. Be entertained by the Kop's singing and noise of wonderful Anfield. That in itself is worth watching and listening to. Unique in English football. Man Utd fans might learn something about passion.
Oh, and Liverpool were not 'lucky' to win the tournament in 2005. The facts are, no team beat Liverpool on aggregate during the CL that season. The 2005 trophy wasn't won on one final game alone. It took Liverpool 14 games to get there. That's almost half a Premiership season. No team managed to beat Liverpool in the knockout stages and Liverpool won 5 of the 7 knockout games, scoring 12 goals and conceeding just 6. That wasn't 'luck'. That was bottle, grit, determination and guts. The fact that it wasn't a fluke is demonstrated by Liverpool reaching another final soon after with the possibility of a 3rd.
Man Utd's win in '99 was the fluke. They haven't been back to a final since.
From lcmprist on Tue Apr 22 10:59AMLiverpool defensive? LOL, I guess the 8 goals v Besiktas and 4 goals each against Porto, Marseille and Arsenal didn't really happen? Liverpool are the TOP SCORERS in the Champions League this season with 26 goals.
That's a fact.
From lcmprist on Tue Apr 22 11:01AM2-1 to chelsea tonught mark my words
From umar2050 on Tue Apr 22 11:07AMlcmprist, point taken. Messrs Gerrard and Torres has been exceptional (and also Crouch when he's played). Hoping for a Utd-Liverpool final to show you guys that '99 wasn't a fluke...
From jcverm on Tue Apr 22 11:13AM" and it`s been an amazing game here today .liverpool totally dominated by the team in blue conceding three trememndous goals.A fulminating drive from the swarthy South American was followed by a pristine header from a midfielder who played in the african nations and the rout completed by the ex arsenal frenchman" "Yes zarate , nafti and muamba could keep blues up" .
From gossagemartin on Tue Apr 22 11:17AMon man u fluke , yes good win it was and of course liverpool only go for the champions league as they can rest the players before the games cos in the premier they will never make it , yes man u , arsenal and chelsea are normally fighting for premiership whist liverpoool think the league is for 4 place only you liverpool fans our a sad bunch and only remember the bits you like but i can understand that coming from boring liverpool , so keep restig the players whilst the big teams still fight it out for the premier title , so stop talking crap about how you won it in 2005 , and try to compete in 2 compitions opps barnsley ha ha your boring ,and stay fourth and just to inform you its 3 more places to be top and a great team
From pompey80uk on Tue Apr 22 11:21AMLet's hope your prediction for this match is as accurate as your previous statement about the second leg Liverpool v Arsenal.
Do you remember telling us how boring that game was going to be?,unlike the exciting Chelsea v Fenerbahce match, 6 goals, really boring!From john20554 on Tue Apr 22 11:21AMand also you never walk alone was fist sung at old trafford in the memorial to munich so you even stole that
From pompey80uk on Tue Apr 22 11:22AMWell done jacquesbittar, I was gonna write that. Although u should have wrte "who understand binary".
Wish Ben Haim would shut up, surely he knew he was backup behind other 3, plus new boy Grant brought in who we havent seen yet. Comes in, plays shite against Liverpool, hurts cech n greets bout nuhin. Away u go to spurs.
Come on Chelsea the nyt. Grant says will not play tactical but Im sure Liverpool will spoil that. They are aways lucky in Champions league but hopefully luck will run out
From sav46e on Tue Apr 22 11:25AM
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