Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Revolving Doors: Deadline Day Special

Mon Sep 01 08:35AM

Transfer Table: All the moves in one easy helping!

This is how the day's events unfolded.

00:48: That just about wraps things up for this summer's transfer window. So, no David Villa, Andrei Arshavin or Mario Gomez, but Robinho's move to City will go down as one of the most dramatic transfers in deadline day history. And with Berbatov's move to United confirmed, it's been a day to remember. 

00:30: There it is! Confirmation that Spurs have reached agreement with Manchester United over the permanent signing of Dimitar Berbatov for a fee of £30.75m. Part of that agreement stipulates that Spurs will not pursue its official complaint over United's pursuit of the player. And Fraizer Campbell has gone the other way on loan.

00:20: Here's confirmation that Xisco has signed for Newcastle from Deportivo La Coruna on a five-year deal.

00:15: City boss Mark Hughes: "I am absolutely delighted to get the opportunity to work with such an incredible talent like Robinho. I have said that in order to compete with the best teams in the Premier League we have to be in the market for players of this calibre, and Robinho is undoubtedly one of the best players in the world. I am really looking forward to introducing him to the rest of the squad, and to the City fans at the earliest opportunity. This is a real statement of intent as to the ambitions of Manchester City."

00:05: Still no word on Berbatov.

00:04: Real Madrid president Ramon Calderon has confirmed the Spanish giants have sold Robinho to Manchester City for 42 million euros (£34.19m).

00:00: Hear that? That's the sound of the transfer window slamming shut. Clearly there's still deals to report, Berbatov's being the main one yet to be completed, but for all intents and purposes that's it.

23:56: A few tits bits just minutes before the window shuts - Martin Cranie has moved from Portsmouth to Charlton on loan but it looks like Hull City have missed out on luring Fraizer Campbell to the KC Stadium.

23:38: Berbatov is still deep inside the bowels of Old Trafford and no deal has been announced so far. Actually, he's in the office above the Megastore, but wherever he is with just 22 minutes remaining, he'd better get a move on.

23:31: ROBINHO IS A MANCHESTER CITY PLAYER. It's a done deal. Well, let's hope it is, or there could be scrambled egg all over RD's face.

23:30: That Ramon Calderon quote in full: "We have sold Robinho for human reasons. The fact that we have accepted an offer from Manchester City tells you that he is not going for sporting reasons." What's he trying to say.

23:22: It's all quiet on the north-eastern front so far tonight. Still no news on Newcastle's move for Nacho Gonzalez and Xisco. But Michael Owen, Joey Barton and Alan Smith seem set to stay in Toon.

23:18: With Louis Saha now departed, Berbatov will wear United's number nine shirt next season. We're just waiting for the deal to be officially announced.

23:08: Real Madrid president Ramon Calderon has confirmed that the club have agreed to sell Robinho for "human and footballing reasons" but he has not, repeat not, specified who to. But it looks like it's City.

23:07: Norwich take Wigan's Antoine Sibierski on loan until the end of January.

23:00: One hour to go and it emerges that Robinho's move to Middle Eastlands could initially be a loan, so as to protect City from signing a Louis Saha-like injury casualty. That's not a bad plan considering Robinho is nowhere even near Manchester to undergo a medical tonight. Rumour has it he's in Brazil.

22:50: Manchester United striker Fraizer Campbell is increasingly looking like moving to Tottenham as part of the Berbatov deal.

22:49: All round nice-guy Joey Barton did not want to leave Newcastle because he "owes the club and the fans so much". And who said loyalty was dead? A model professional, that Joseph.

22:43: Time is running out for Chelsea to hijack Robinho's move to City. They'll have to move quickly if they aren't to lose their man. Unless, of course, they do 'an Ashley Cole' and continue after midnight.

22:41: Fulham sign Julian Gray from Coventry on a one-year deal.

22:39: Hull have signed confirmed the signing of Daniel Cousin from Rangers. The striker has penned a three-year deal at the KC Stadium.

22:31: Spanish radio stations love breaking news. So much so, they sometimes make it up. That might not be the case this time though - Cadena Ser has confirmed that City have signed Robinho for 40 million euros.

22:27: Fulham have released Alexi Smertin. But who cares when Berbatov and Robinho are so close to penning deals?

22:24: This is incredible. City are actually going to sign Robinho. Apparently, Real are happy to let the player leave the Bernabeu, only not to Chelsea. All signs are pointing towards a massive, massive (as is befitting a club of City's size) transfer coup.

22:20: It doesn't look like Joey Barton will be leaving St James's Park after all. It seems Newcastle's valuation does not meet that of his suitors.

22:01: It looks like Manchester City have missed out on Dimitar Berbatov, but they may have pulled off the biggest coup of the transfer window so far as reports of a deal to take Robinho to Middle Eastlands surface. Apparently, a deal is already in place, with a fee of £32.4m being reported. It would be worth every penny, if only to see Peter Kenyon's face in the morning.

21:32: Berbatov has completed his medical and arrived at Old Trafford where he has met with David Gill, the Manchester United chief executive. Only Spurs can derail this transfer now, although despite United's naughty behaviour this evening, it is definitely in the London club's interest to do the deal. Who wants a miserable, sulking Bulgarian taking home a fat pay packet every week for doing nothing?

21:22: If you're still incredulous that any club, let alone a Premier League club, would want to sign Joey Barton, get ready to double that incredulity when RD tells you that one of those interested is Portsmouth. Has Harry lost his ruddy cheeked marbles? The other club is Aston Villa.

21:24: Everton have signed Carlo Nash from Wigan. Guess how much the keeper cost? That's right, undisclosed. It's no fun anymore.

21:18: Daniel Cousin looks like he'll be taking his boots as well as his rather attractive girlfriend down to Hull - the Tigers have agreed to sign the Gabon international from Rangers on a three-year deal.

21:11: DEAL! Real, hard news! Not the deal most people wanted, but Danny Higginbotham has joined Stoke from Sunderland.

21:03: Just under three hours remaining and Berbatov seems to be edging closer to a move to United, and not City. Or indeed FC United, the only Manchester club not to have been linked to the Bulgarian today. The Bulgarian has completed his medical and is reportedly on his way over to Carrington.

21:00: Oh dear, after a promising start, transfer deadline day has not turned out to be that great. A bit like Neil Webb at Manchester United.

Anyway, there could be some hard news - yeah, just the way RD likes it - coming up soon as Danny Higginbotham is on verge of signing for Stoke from Sunderland on a three-year deal thought to be worth £2.5m. But Jermaine Pennant will not be swapping Liverpool for Stoke.

20:40: Hertha Berlin general manager Dieter Hoeness on the capture of Andriy Voronin: "We opted for Andriy because he knows the Bundesliga, he speaks German and he can play in a variety of different tactical systems." And not because he's any good at football?

20:18: Another man linked with replacing Berbatov has been Real Zaragoza's Diego Milito. But the Argentinian forward may not be jumping on a plane for London with reports claiming he has penned a deal with Serie A side Genoa.

20:16: Should Berbatov go - and it increasingly looks like he will given that his situation has become thoroughly untenable at White Hart Lane - one man who could replace him is RD favourite Emilio Heskey.

20:14: Don't forget that Spurs have not given United permission to talk to Berbatov, yet the player is undergoing a medical with the champions. But then again, as RD regularly reminds its mother, rules are there to be broken.

20:05: Berbatov is still undergoing a medical at a south Manchester hospital. And it seems that United are deliberately taking their time with him so no one else can speak to him. Or is that just RD being sceptical? 

20:01: Mark Hughes is still hopeful of doing business this evening, with Marca now reporting that City are after Robinho. Honestly. Why not pull out all the stops and go for Kaka too? Oh, they already have.

19:52: More on that Derek Riordan story... he's completed his dream move to Hibs, signing a three-year contract with the club where he started his career.

19:48: Nothing to do with transfers, but worth a mention nonetheless. Beer monster Mike Ashley will not face charges after he was seen delighting Newcastle fans by downing a pint in roughly 3.24 seconds inside the Emirates Stadium at the weekend. Of course, these days English stadia are supposed to be drier than 1920's America, something Ashley is clearly not too fussed about.

19:29: Having already signed Louis Saha today, Everton really fancied their chances of luring Stephen Hunt to Goodison too. Reading have somewhat rained on their parade by rejecting a £3.5m bid for the midfielder. But Standard Liege midfielder Marouane Fellaini - he who so impressed against rivals Liverpool recently - could be arriving soon.

North of the border, Hearts have pulled out of the race to sign Celtic's Derek Riordan, leaving Hibs in pole position to recapture their former charge.

And Burnley have signed Steven Thompson from Cardiff on a free.

19:00: Just five hours remaining before the most famous window in the world of glazing slams shut.

18:59:  Any news on Manchester City's audacious bids for David Villa and Mario Gomez. In a word, no. Are City going to sign anyone by the end of the day? It wouldn't surprise RD if the answer was a similarly resounding no.

What about Robinho to Chelsea? Again nothing, but if reports in Spain are to be believed - which, RD will point out, they should not - there is no way in a month of Sundays that Bernd Schuster will let the thumb sucking, baby-faced Brazilian leave the Bernabeu.

18:40: That lull didn't last long as Berbatov rears his increasingly ugly head once again. This time his slick noggin is spotted having a medical at United, according to reports. Come on, let's just get it done so we can all go home.

18:39:  A brief lull has descended on the world of transfers and RD will admit it's not too disappointed. It was all getting a little hectic earlier.

Anyway, in the Potteries, Stoke have agreed a fee to relieve Crystal Palace of midfielder Tom Soares while Sone Aluko has joined Aberdeen from Birmingham on a three-year deal. Financial details of both deals were not disclosed, as seems to be a la mode these days.

18:23: Not so long ago, George McCartney was being targeted by Italian giants Milan, but the defender has just finalised details of a move to Sunderland from West Ham. Oh well, you can't win them all.

17:56:  Liverpool are in action again. The Reds have sealed a deal for former Manchester City winger Albert Riera, who actually turned out to be quite good in Spain after leaving Eastlands. It's a four-year deal thought to be worth £8m, although the question has to be asked - what's the use of having wingers if Rafa Benitez never plays them?

But Arsenal won't be getting Gokhan Inler - the Switzerland international has signed a contract extension with Udinese.

Things are hotting up as the deadline approaches... West Brom have confirmed the signing of AZ Alkmaar defender Ryan Donk on loan while Wolves have signed centre-back Jason Shackell from Norwich for an undisclosed fee.

Meanwhile, Joey Barton could be on his way out of Newcastle, with a top 10 Premier League club apparently willing to take on the poisoned chalice.

17:39: That Real-for-Berbatov rumour appears to have been invented by a bored student on work experience in a media office somewhere in Spain.

The facts, as things stand, are like this: City have had a bid accepted by Spurs but the player himself is currently talking to United, even though the champions do not have permission to do so. It would appear that United are in pole position, but then again, City are based just next door to United at Carrington, so things can change very quickly.

Blackburn have signed Northampton goalkeeper Mark Bunn, no relation to 1980s Luton, Hull and Oldham forward, for an undisclosed fee.

17:25: Latest reports from Spain are totally contradictory to what Revolving Doors told you earlier. Real Madrid have no intention of bidding for Berbatov after all. So there. You really can't trust Spanish media. Or can you? Who knows. Madness.

Worst non-sighting of the day - Klaas Jan Huntelaar at Manchester airport. He must have just missed Fergie and Berbatov at the arrivals gate.

Manchester City are certainly reaching for the stars and prospective new owner Dr Sulaiman Al-Fahim has confirmed the club have made bids for Valencia's David Villa and Stuttgart's Mario Gomez as well as Dimitar Berbatov.

Fulham striker Collins John has joined Dutch side NEC Nijmegen on a free transfer.

17:00: Fergie wants Berbatov badly. Very badly. So badly in fact that the United supremo was willing to pick him up from the airport in his own car and drive him to Carrington himself. Berbs has now been with United officials for the past hour and a half and if Revolving Doors was a betting entity, it would put its hard earned cash on United sealing a deal. But it isn't so it won't.

Meanwhile, Spurs may well been prolific today but it's been confirmed that Andrei Arshavin will not be joining Corluka and Pavlyuchenko at White Hart Lane.

In other, less earth shattering news, Middlesbrough defender Jonathan Grounds is set to check into a Travelodge in Norwich after agreeing a loan deal at Carrow Road.

16:55: Hold on to your hats... reports emanating from Spain tell us that the Berbatov saga has taken a dramatic new twist. Real Madrid, yes Real Madrid, are preparing to hijack both United and City's bids for the Bulgarian with a new offer of £36.5m. You couldn't make it up.

And that comes hot off the heels of reports that Berbs was in the red half of Carrington, speaking with United - and not City - officials. This one is going down to the wire.

16:40: Emmanuel Petit look-a-like Andriy Voronin has admitted defeat in his quest for success at Liverpool - at least for the time being. The Ukrainian has left for Hertha Berlin on a season-long loan.

Meanwhile, it's been a long time coming but Xabi Alonso has finally received a vote of confidence from Rafa Benitez. The Liverpool boss has confirmed Alonso will be staying put this summer. Nice to be wanted.

Meanwhile, Southampton have completed the signing of interestingly-named Romain Gasmi from Ligue 1 Strasbourg.

16.25: Take that Tyrone Mears! You're not the only one who can join a random foreign club! Steve Finnan has left Liverpool for Espanyol for an undisclosed fee. The Irishman is presumably hoping to recreate the runaway success that was Ian Harte at Levante. No word yet on Albert Riera going in the opposite direction.

Liverpool have, however, signed 18-year-old goalkeeper Peter Gulacsi from MTK Hungaria. Rumour has it he's a bit tasty...

16.10: A big hello if you're just joining us. Deadline Day has entered its final third, and there's no doubt about the story of the day. Manchester City are set to be taken over by a moneybags group of Arab investors - and have launched a £34m bid for Dimitar Berbatov, thereby gazumping neighbours United. It will be quite something if they pull this one off.

15.50: Bristol City have confirmed the signing of Ebbsfleet United striker John Akinde for £140,000. You may recall Ebbsfleet's 7,500-odd members voted on whether to accept the offer. 82 percent did, but one member, who works in RD's office, said he rejected the bid "just to be a bit of a ****". That's the kind of person you want running your football club.

Other minor moves this afternoon: Rachid Bouaouzan (that's five vowels in a row) from Wigan to NEC on loan, Gabriel Zakuani on loan from Fulham to Peterborough, and Jon Parkin from Stoke to Preston in a permanent deal.

Meanwhile it is claimed that Manchester City's bid for Dimitar Berbatov weighs in at a colossal £34m.

15.40: In what is Revolving Doors's favourite transfer of the day by a long way, Derby County's Tyrone Mears has signed for Marseille on loan. Elsewhere, Cardiff City have rejected Stoke's £5m bid for Joe Ledley and have rather huffily put a "not for sale" sign above his head.

And while Manchester City are in the business of signing world-class strikers, they are also lumping big on David Villa and, er, Mario Gomez. Oh.

15.35: It's not transfer news, but it is pretty funny. Siena's Massimo Maccarone, formerly of Middlesbrough, has refused to apologise after pushing referee Carmine Russo in yesterday's game against Atalanta, saying: "Did I shove him? I barely touched him on the chest. If that is a push then we are girls."

15.20: If it's non-Man City news you want, you've come to the wrong place. If Berbatov joins, he might well take Javan Vidal's peg in the dressing room. The England Under-19 international has gone on loan to Grimsby.

BUT HOLD ON A MINUTE! Real Madrid, ever the mischief-makers, have got wind of all this nonsense and are apparently readying themselves to make a rival bid!

And back in the real world, Ipswich have signed Jon Stead on loan from Sheffield United. So well done them.

14.50: Lordy lordy! Mark Hughes has just said that Manchester City's bid for Dimitar Berbatov has been accepted! They're paying over £30m for him, and call Revolving Doors crazy but it is starting to believe that this might actually happen. 

Stoke have made a £5m bid for Cardiff City's Joe Ledley. Can't really think of a punchline other than to question the Welsh international's wisdom.

14.40: What is the point of having a medical if even Louis Saha can pass one? Anyway, that's what has happened and Manchester United's massive crock is now the Everton physios' problem.

However, the smile has been wiped off the Toffees' face with the news that Internazionale's Nigerian striker Victor Obinna has been denied a work permit. That means his loan move is no more. Apparently the fact that Obinna earns tens of thousands of pounds a week isn't enough to convince the Department of Work and Pensions that he won't be a drain on the country's resources. Idiots.

 14.20: Plymouth Argyle have emerged as favourites to sign City reject Emile Mpenza. "The championship in England is better than the top league in certain countries," said the Belgian. Rubbish ones.

And Hibernian have signed Ivory Coast defender Souleymane Bamba from Dunfermline on a three year deal.

14.15: What fun! Dimitar Berbatov has left Tottenham's training ground for Stansted Airport, where he will board a plane for Manchester. Where he goes once he lands will presumably depend on which club can rustle up the plusher limo to meet him from the airport.

14.05: Who said Roy Keane only signs Republic of Ireland players? Sunderland's doctor is currently giving the once over to George McCartney of, er, Northern Ireland. That, of course, will be an SWP-style emotional return for the West Ham left-back.

13.50: Henrik Larsson has poured pure, cold, Swedish spring water on talk of him returning to the Premier League with Everton: "I will not go anywhere," said the Helsingborgs fella.

And confirmation of a deal that went through earlier, but which RD couldn't be bothered to mention - Bolton's Blerim Dzemaili has joined Torino on loan.

13.30: This Dimitar Berbatov to Manchester City chat is gaining momentum. It is thought that City have made a bid in excess of £30m and have the means to offer him a trouser-bulging 200 large a week.

Spurs have been thoroughly peeved at United's bahaviour this summer and it is seen as a given that they'd rather sell to City. But, at the risk of letting reality intrude for a second, aren't City a much bigger threat in the battle to finish fourth?

13.20: Alan Smith's move to Everton has been kaiboshed, likewise Shola Ameobi's switch to anyone who will take him. Both men were at training today, which apparently means they cannot be transferred.

And in the absence of real transfers, here is a City fan's two-step guide to welcoming the club's new owners.

1 - Get white tea towel, place over head.

2 - Get black masking tape, wrap around forehead.

Makeshift Arab head-dress - DONE.

They are actually doing this. It hardly needs saying that this is the city which brought us Bernard Manning.

12.45: Fans of probable poppycock will be delighted to hear that Manchester City are in the process of hijacking United's bid for Dimitar Berbatov. Oh, how we'd chuckle if that were true... 

Does anyone care about Liverpool signing Brazilian 'starlet' Vitor Flora from Botafogo? He might be the new Pele for all Revolving Doors knows, but that doesn't make RD want to pay attention.

Anyone interested in Jason Shackell moving from Wolves to Norwich? Anyone? Suit yourselves.

12.25: Apparently there is a lot of "buzz" about Michael Owen, which basically means people would like him to move as it would give them something to write about.

Owen's contract expires in the summer, and it is thought that as little as £2m could take him to Everton, Tottenham or Manchester United.

12.15: Valencia mustn't have made much of Ignacio Gonzalez's first training session with them. No sooner have they signed him from Danubio in Uruguay than they have loaned him to Newcastle. Madness! 

11.55: A big-eared chap on the telly thinks that Chelsea right-back Paulo Ferreira is in talks with West Ham. And he may very well be right. 

Otherwise, the anticipated torrent of transfer news has slowed to a trickle. Honestly, did you ever imagine you'd be reading that Crystal Palace's Ben Watson has turned down Nottingham Forest as he has his heart set on a move to QPR?

11.41: STOP THE CLOCK! It's the first Portsmouth signing of the day, and my goodness it's underwhelming. Harry Redknapp has signed Algerian left-back Nadir Belhadj on loan from French second division side Lens. Which, by 'Arry's logic, probably means Hermann Hreidarsson will be unceremoniously dumped by the close of play tonight.

11.40: Maybe Felipe Caicedo doesn't like the new regime at Eastlands, or maybe he just isn't very good. Either way, he could be signing for Hertha Berlin ever so soon.

Revolving Doors has always had a soft spot for Danny Blind. Cool, stylish, a great passer and a useless defender; Blind was the archetypal sweeper. So RD is going to choose to believe him when, in his capacity as Ajax technical manager, he says it is "impossible" for Klaas Jan Huntelaar to join Arsenal, Tottenham or Real Madrid.

Even though it isn't.

11.20: It wouldn't be transfer deadline day without Lassana Diarra moving somehwere. This time last year it was Chelsea to Arsenal, then in January Arsenal to Portsmouth. Today it could be Pompey to Tottenham. Harry Redknapp says he doesn't want the Frenchman to go but fears he might not be able to help himself.

Further afield, former Newcastle flop Albert Luque has joined Malaga, while Brazilian striker Nilmar is expected to sign for Palermo. But, to be honest, none of our foreign colleagues seem particularly excited by Deadline Day.

10.50:  That Corluka deal has gone through. He has cost his new owners £8.5m. Meanwhile, Hull City have not given up hope of signing Manchester United's Fraizer Campbell and/or Daniel Cousin.

Cercle Brugge have turned down "a lot of money" from West Brom for their striker Tom De Sutter. And by a lot of money, they mean £1.8m.

10.20: Blimey. The Thaksin Shinawatra era at Manchester City is over. The club have been taken over by the snappily-named Abu Dhabi United Group for Development and Investment. We're going to need an acronym for them. ADUGD it is.

They have targeted a top-four finish this season, which is good news for fans of continued unrealistic expectations at the City of Manchester Stadium.

09.50: Following the longest medical in the history of football, Roman Pavlyuchenko has actually joined Tottenham Hotspur! In Revolving Doors's day it was just the traditional metal-hammer-on-knee reflex test and you were away...

Pavlyuchenko has signed a five-year deal for a £13.8m fee. Meanwhile, Spurs have failed with a new bid for Andrei Arshavin, which could in turn knock the Berbatov move on the head.

And Spurs have also agreed a deal to sign Vedran Corluka from Manchester City. That was on the cards but it looks like a great signing. Unless you're Alan Hutton.

West Bromwich have agreed a deal to sign defender Ryan Donk, according to Dutch outfit AZ Alkmaar.

The Eredivisie club claim Donk will join the Premier League new boys on a season-long loan deal.

09.30: Sarky, sarky Jose Mourinho. "I'm not going to sign anyone else, I have the squad I need, oh look Ricardo Quaresma has just pitched up at Internazionale for a medical." 

Having failed to sign anyone good, Everton will settle for Alan Smith instead. £3m should persuade Newcastle to stop high-fiving long enough to sanction his departure.

Daniel Cousin scored in the Old Firm game yesterday. If, as Glaswegians would have us believe, it is the biggest club game in the world, would the Frenchman really be set for a shock move to Hull?

We may be in the throes of a credit crunch, but at least Bolton can still get a loan. Fresh from taking over the Abbey, Racing Santander have lent the Trotters Ebi Smolarek for the season. That's a done deal.

Having signed another Hispanic keeper, Liverpool are desperate to lose Charles Itandje. A quick call to fixers Real Zaragoza could make him disappear.

Can life get any more exciting for Cardiff? First 'Only Men Aloud!' win Last Choir Standing, then the Bluebirds try to sign Alexei Smertin. Heady days...

Two 'shock' moves that wouldn't really shock anybody: Andre Ooijer from Blackburn to AZ Alkmaar, and David Nugent from Portsmouth to Birmingham City.

08.35: Revolving Doors writes:  

Last night, Early Doors headed to its local boozer to celebrate Jimmy Bullard's England call-up and Colin Montgomerie's Ryder Cup non-call-up.

Having broken its nine o'clock curfew, EDs overprotective Mediterranean mother called the police, who - having received copious kickbacks from Mamma Doors's money-laundering business - promptly sent out a search team.

There was no sign of ED until sunrise, when a police chopper spied it lying in a ditch, covered in filth and cuddling up to a piece of local livestock.

It was immediately jetted home but finds itself in no fit state to work this morning.

Early Doors has therefore been granted a Duvet Day - management's way of saying your job is so unimportant it really doesn't matter whether you turn up or not.

So, as ED buries its head under the covers, emerging only to ingest vast quantities of Alka Seltzer, Lemsip and fizzy Vitamin C tablets, its distant cousin Revolving Doors has been left holding the metaphorical baby.

One of those ugly, puffy-faced babies who insists on wailing loudly and continuously in a public place, until an entire bus, restaurant or airport lounge of people wonder simultaneously whether it would be considered an overreaction to rip the infant's head clean off its shoulders and drop-kick it into the nearest dustbin.

ED could hardly have picked a better morning to wallow in its own filth, for today is the day the Transfer Window slams shut. Well, RD says 'slams', but really nothing could be further from the truth.

If we assume the transfer window is of the kind found in the average home, it probably opens no more than 50cm.

So if it takes an entire day to close, it does do at the painstaking rate of 2.08cm an hour. That's 0.0000129mph, or Mach 0.0000000168.

At 0.03mph, the average garden snail travels over 2,000 times faster than the Transfer Window.

Even it if were something rather bigger, like a patio door, it would still be hopelessly slow. So let's cut out the 'slam' talk once and for all, OK?

So, where are we on this day of fun, frolics, and at least a dozen transfers involving Portsmouth?

This morning's headline rumour is Batman to Chelsea. No, not some South American with a silly goal celebration, but the actual Caped Crusader.

What makes RD so sure? Well, Real Madrid president Ramon Calderon has said Chelsea have "more chance of signing Batman" than they do of making that job lot of 'Robinho' replica shirts anything more than an embarrassing testament to their own hubris.

Andrei Arshavin and Dimitar Berbatov are two more names of which we have all become heartily sick. They could complete their respective moves to Tottenham Hotspur and Manchester United today. On the other hand, they might not, rendering three months of speculation as meaningless and unnecessary as the final part of the Smokey and the Bandit trilogy.

Anyone who has ever been out on Newcastle's Quayside will tell you that Geordie girls are not afraid of putting on a thong before stepping out of an evening.

Nobody knows more about that particular item of clothing than one-time R&B star Sisqo. Which could be why Deportivo La Coruna claim that they have agreed a deal to sell him, or someone spelt a bit like him, to Newcastle. OK, it's Xisco.

Revolving Doors will be back throughout the day with the latest news, rumours and humiliating climbdowns. So stay with us as your club tries desperately to bring in the no-name Energie Cottbus 'starlet' that will set its season alight.

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