The Gallowgate Massive
Fri Apr 25 08:56AM
Newcastle United want to sign Thierry Henry, if today's papers are anything to go by.
And Early Doors wants to ride a unicorn through the centre of Hounslow without local chavs attempting to nick its horn, but that isn't going to happen either.
While the Toon Army whip themselves into a frenzy, Henry takes a somewhat different view: "There's only one team in England for me. Everybody knows the love and affection I have for Arsenal."
What is it about so-called 'massive' clubs like Newcastle and Spurs that makes them think they have any chance of pulling this kind of thing off?
What makes them ignore bitter experience in favour of such naïve optimism (and no, Michael 'Damaged Goods' Owen doesn't count)?
Look at Manchester City's obviously fruitless pursuit of Ronaldinho. It is an agent's dream. They have loads of cash and ideas above their station - the perfect stooges to drive up the eventual price paid by Milan or Inter.
It seems some clubs, like plankton attempting to take down a great white shark, refuse to accept their place on the food chain.
So, to help them out and save them the bother of fruitlessly chasing players who are out of their league, Early Doors has compiled a definitive Massive List.
Now for the science bit. Early Doors did an internet search for each team name followed by "massive club" and saw how many results it got.
The table makes happy reading for Rafa Benitez's summer war chest, while Reading crash into the Champions League places. Possibly because they share their name with a popular pastime and life skill.
As in real life, Newcastle find themselves in lower mid-table while Manchester City have their sights set on Europe.
But the real shock comes at the wrong end of the table, with a team that are linked with more unrealistic signings than any other languishing in the relegation zone.
Tottenham Hotspur are 19th, with just Derby between themselves and the bottom of the pile. No wonder Rivaldo opted for Milan and sent Glenn Hoddle a nice letter instead.
The Massive List
1- Liverpool: 12,400
2- Chelsea: 11,500
3- Arsenal: 11,100
4- Reading: 10,900
5- Everton: 10,200
6- Manchester United: 9,860
7- Manchester City: 7,730
8- West Ham 7,400
9- Portsmouth: 6,260
10- Fulham: 6,100
11- Newcastle United: 5,860
12- Middlesbrough: 5,750
13- Aston Villa: 4,890
14- Sunderland: 4,730
15- Blackburn Rovers: 4,170
16- Bolton Wanderers: 3,560
17- Birmingham City: 2,330
18- Wigan Athletic: 1,020
19- Tottenham Hotspur: 1,010
20- Derby County: 633
- - -
Nothing against Rangers or anything, but Early Doors doesn't have the stomach to dissect another train wreck of a European semi-final.
Fair enough, Rangers had a lot of players out and have made the whole goalless draw at Ibrox thing work in the past. But when both teams are playing for a nil-nil it's never going to be easy on the eye.
All in all, it has been the kind of week to make Texan billionaire Sir Allen Stanford say this: "Twenty20 has the potential to be the most popular team sport in the whole world in maybe less than 10 years."
Clearly Stanford is madder than a bag of cut snakes, but Early Doors found itself coming round to his point of view as it watched Shane Warne seal the Rajastan Royals' dramatic victory over the Deccan Chargers by clobbering consecutive sixes off the last two balls.
Now all Stanford needs is to get continental Europe, the US, South America, Africa and East Asia on board. And by 'on board', Early Doors means he could start by at least making them aware that cricket exists.
If anyone has Stanford's number, let ED know as it has a cunning plan to make cheese-rolling the most popular sport in the world by 2020.
- - -
COMMUNIST PROPAGANDA OF THE DAY: "North Korea has fully prepared an Olympic Games torch relay in Pyongyang that will be high-quality, outstanding, safe and successful. It will astonish the world." Early Doors just wants to see Kim Jong-Il repeat his first-ever round of golf which, if North Korean authorities are to be believed, saw him drain 11 holes-in-one and finish 38 under par.
COMMUNIST PROPAGANDA OF THE DAY (2): Ken Livingstone boasting in the London mayoral debate that he hates sport and only bid for the Olympics as a "con" to get money to regenerate the East End. Having seen the three frontrunners in action on Question Time last night, Early Doors is seriously considering voting for that Christian fundamentalist bloke.
MICKEY MOUSE SPORTING EVENT OF THE DAY: The Tampa Bay Rays last night completed a three-game sweep of the Toronto Blue Jays in the first Major League Baseball games to be played at Disney World. Incidentally, the Rays have a third baseman by the unfortunate name of Evan Longoria.
CONTROVERSY OF THE DAY: "Kolo Toure last night warned Arsenal captain William Gallas: I want your job." Or so says the Sun. However, Toure's quotes singularly fail to back up this assertion: "It doesn't matter if I have the armband or not."
DISS OF THE DAY: kenshin22up on Thursday's Early Doors: "who wrote this bunch of junk? seems like the only thing the writer got going for is his stink mouth."
TALKING POINT: It took him the best part of 48 hours to come up with it, or read it off another website, but laurence.odea made ED chuckle with this: "John Arne Riise was arrested in the early hours of Wednesday morning on the M56. Apparently he was heading in the wrong direction."
And as for a commentator's gaffe, ED couldn't resist this from samuelbanks as it purports to be from giant-haired kids TV legend Pat Sharpe: "Borussia Moenchengladbach. Now there's a weak side if ever I saw one. But I tell you what, you wouldn't want to play them at scrabble."
Today: Which club has the biggest delusions of grandeur?
COMING UP: Big weekend previews, Fantasy Football, you know the drill. Also, live coverage of snooker, F1, tennis and the biggest team sport in the world.
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IM this storyLiverpool every time! Surely the only person who thinks they are going to win something (this or any other season) is Ian Wright in those bloody Ladbrooks adverts
From dean_stamford on Fri Apr 25 09:13AM1st one up
From yawboakye86 on Fri Apr 25 09:14AMwoot 2nd post
Gotta be spurs for the biggest delusions. Closely followed by Middlesborough
From adamjonesio on Fri Apr 25 09:17AMWell I don't know about a club having delusions of grandeur, but the lovely Georgie Thompson informed me yesterday afternoon of some toffee-nosed lease owner at Rotherham who was apparently more concerned with continued free season tickets and physio treatments. Obviously one of the ignorant surfs is going to have to get a ladder, climb up to his place on high above the little people, and point out to the guy that none of that will matter if there's no club at all...
From splatrowe on Fri Apr 25 09:18AMWhich club has the biggest delusions of grandeur?
How about every club that played in the so-called Champions League this week. ED - next week, you kidnap the lot of them and i'll draft in Barnslet and Havant & Waterlooville...
From splatrowe on Fri Apr 25 09:21AMJust read samuelbanks' comments on 'Scotch' football last night.
1. Scotch is a lazy term for Whisky used by lazy americans. Don't describe us with it. S c o t t i s h. Let's say it together now, ready? S c o t t i s h. Try and remember that.
2. I agree that the standard of Scottish Football isn't exactly high but let's take a look at the Premier League. In the 15 years its existed, it has been won by....ooh, a GRAND TOTAL OF: um, 4 teams. Let's take out the three titles that were bought (1 by Blackburn, 2 by Chelsea) and we're left with....um....well, what do you know? A Two Horse Race!! No wonder they call it the best league in the world.
3. Despite our obvious failings, we're a mere 4 places behind you in the world rankings and managed a quite comfortable draw against a team who p!ssed all over England in the qualifying....at Wembley!
Not bad for such a poor standard eh?
From kevmun82 on Fri Apr 25 09:22AMFor Mr Thaksin, "a 'massive club' is one which can pull fans to fill itz stadium."-- Fair enough!! If ED had done itz research well with the keywords 'massive football club', it would have been surprised to find this: "Woodford Massive fc" and on the description on their site :
"We are a team of friends that have a passion for football.
We have set out to prove a point that football is still played for fun, and it doesn't take money to succeed. we play in a mens sunday six a side league in plymouth"-- U got that? "Six in a side league"; and itz "massive"From yawboakye86 on Fri Apr 25 09:24AMThe biggest delusion of a non french club (they top any list) is Inter Milan, they sign like "Massive" clubs, act like ones and each season's start they set sights higher than other Massive clubs yet with gr8 players and coaches they managed not to win anything in 17 years, and they broke the habit with top Italian clubs deducted points and relegated so they steal their players also... Proof: watch them in the champions league...
From jacquesbittar on Fri Apr 25 09:26AMVery sorry to hear about Frank Lampards mom.
From al_pachino666 on Fri Apr 25 09:26AMSteady on ED - why the anti-Tottenham rant. We know our place as occasional minor cup winners and mid-table specialists. But just cast your mind back a mere 30 years when we shook up the world with the signing of Ardiles and Villa (okay, we followed it up years later with Sergei Rebrov, but no one's perfect).
From mpasc66 on Fri Apr 25 09:26AMhold on.... so by that token if we were to use an internet search to determine a few "facts" about early doors..
Early doors + stupid name = 200,000
Early doors + low iq = 405,000
Early doors + cant hit a barn door with a banjo = 55,000
Early doors + Jesus = 1,910,000It must be true. I saw it on the internet
From gremlin_the_cat on Fri Apr 25 09:32AMkevmun82, Scottish football is @#$%. I am Scottish btw. Even the old firm games are @#$%. Rangers are the worst teamIve ever watched.
Team with biggest delusions = the old firm. Liverpool seem to think they sign big players but there actually @#$%, does that count?From sav46e on Fri Apr 25 09:35AMDelusions of Grandeur?? Has to be arsenal,- under manager @#$% whinger.
From mjs272 on Fri Apr 25 09:39AMit has to be ,by a long way, newcastle united. what team that hasn't won a trophy since bobby charlton's combover can believe that they belong to the elite of european football.if anyone needs to get off the crack its them cos thats what you have to be smoking if you think their any good
From michaelmhindu on Fri Apr 25 09:43AMI DID say Scottish Football's standards aren't exactly high didn't I? I agree completely. it's pretty rubbish. But the EPL is not all it's cracked up to be either which was kind of my point.......
From kevmun82 on Fri Apr 25 09:43AMEd is never an interesting place if there is no major football match. viva liverpool.
From utamudar on Fri Apr 25 09:43AMWell I deliver papers for the Evening Chronicle (Newcastle-based paper), and the headlines they have on the back and the way their sports writers go, you'd think Newcastle United were the biggest team in Europe, firmly capable of beating anybody in the world. Honestly, it doesn't surprise me one bit that they want Henry.
From alex.ranahan on Fri Apr 25 09:49AMDelusions of grandeur, at this moment, has to be Man City. They may have a rich owner, but Ronaldinho are you serious? Cannot see the brazilian wonder gracing the City of Manchester Stadium, not unless he's paid a million a week. Not wishing to pan City, but they are "not quite there" yet are they.Improving, yes.
From barny1158 on Fri Apr 25 09:53AMSo if I'm reading this correctly, according to ED, Clubs and their fans are not permitted to have high asperations or ambitions right? Soooo, what then, lets just create one league made up of Arsenal, Chelsea and Man Utd? Yeees, and while we're at it, lets make all of London officially the best place in the Universe ey? and 'my dads bigger than your dad' (it's true cos he said so) and ner ner ne ner-ner....Early Doors, couldn't you come up with a topic more enlightened than the boring old schoolboy fishhook of "Your not big cos I said so - so there" Playtimes over girls, now go and stand in the corner with your hands on your head. PS When London floods you can take the rest of the rats with you in your overpriced sinking ships.
From st_ephen1 on Fri Apr 25 09:56AMmjs272
Arsenal, Delusions of grandeur, don't think so somehow. One of the richest clubs, always in the top four, so get a grip please. Agree that Arsene may be a whinger, but you sound like a spurs fan to me. No offence to mpas66 or my partner, but get real.From barny1158 on Fri Apr 25 10:01AMDelusions of Grandeur? ED has it spot on with Spurs and Newcastle. At the start of every season all we hear is that this is their season and with the signings they've made they're going to win the league. That'll be another lower mid-table finish then...
From northern_hamster on Fri Apr 25 10:02AMAs much as I despise Chelsea I would like to send my condolences to Frank Lampard
From reynoldsj_2000 on Fri Apr 25 10:04AMComment number 19, good post.
Mpas66, so spurs are responsible for starting the foreign invasion, eh? lol.......From barny1158 on Fri Apr 25 10:07AMEvery Geordie could not understand why Newcastle were not challenging for the premiership title with a back four that contained Jean-Alain "short studs" Boumsong and Titus "No shame" Bramble. Enough said.
From davewhitt_2002 on Fri Apr 25 10:09AMsav46e, scottish football isnt @#$%. it may be of a lower standard than the epl, but thats due to finances. teams have been forced to play kids and still compete with the old firm and in europe. Yet we are still churning out quality players e.g. alan hutton, craig gordon, barry robson, james mcfadden to name a few. teams are working on shoestring budgets, yet still compete at the top level. its no coincidence then, that the best managers are scottish
From marcgrant7 on Fri Apr 25 10:10AMtwenty20 was started in SOUTH AFRICA THANK YOU VERY MUCH
We've had a domestic league of twenty20 for 3 years running
the indian premier leauge went larger because of the big name players that signed up for it
Why do you think we had the twenty20 world cup in South AFrica?
BEcause we started it
Just like we started Hawk Eye
From dannickbates on Fri Apr 25 10:12AMI think ED has delusions of grandeur to think that we would fall for such tripe. I just searched on Google for 'Tottenham Hotspur Massive Club' and got 619,000 hits.
No-one would have though West Ham would get Tevez and Mascherano, but they did (albeit a bit dodgy). So no club should undersell themselves if they have the cash.
ED, At least if these players went to Spurs they would be going to a club who have won silverware this season, unlike your beloved Arsenal, again.
From joseph_brownett on Fri Apr 25 10:12AMThe premier league will remain in 3 tiers for the forseeable future simply because of money. Maybe that is not right but it is fact.
From reynoldsj_2000 on Fri Apr 25 10:21AMHi ED,
Great job you're doing here.
I would like to know if you have an archive for your aricle and if it will be possible to have this sent everyday as a mail so that I do not get to miss your article as I sometime don't have access to internet when I am in some remote location. This will afford me the opportunity of reading misssed articles.
Thanks,
From lateefjaiye on Fri Apr 25 10:22AMSorry Mpasc66 missed your 'C'out!!
I agree that all clubs should aspire to be better and bigger, or there's no point. Shame all football clubs are not all equal in status that way competition would be balanced and fair, but the world is money mad and selfish. What can you do?From barny1158 on Fri Apr 25 10:24AM
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