Street Fighting Man
Mon Apr 28 08:48AM
There is something about footballers that makes them spectacularly bad at fighting. Given the lack of invitation they need to square up to each other, you might think that one or two had thrown a punch in their time.
Yet, Duncan Ferguson aside, they fail even to grasp the basics. Look at the picture of Patrice Evra, right, playing pat-a-cake with a Chelsea groundsman. Just what on earth is he trying to do? Grind his assailant's face with the palm of his hand? And what's with the protruding tongue?
The Manchester United defender's dancing partner is said to be one Sam Bethell, a Millwall fan who reportedly spends his free time "drinking and reading books on football hooliganism". Which, as mower men go, makes him a modern-day Albert Camus.
Evra is far from alone in his pugilistic ineptitude. Scraps are playground standard at best, with protagonists pinching, kicking and occasionally chucking pizza at each other but very rarely landing a telling blow.
Zinedine Zidane claims to be from the 'hood, but surely if you're trying to hurt somebody you don't butt him in the chest? Way to avenge the grave insult on your family, Zizou.
And anyone who hasn't seen Luis Fabiano's legendary 'windmill' fight with Carlos Diogo should go straight to any popular video sharing website to discover why, 15 months on, the clip is still in ED's 'favourites' list.
Compare that to the game with the funny balls. In yesterday's Heineken Cup semi-final, Saracens prop Nick Lloyd unleashed a Calzaghe-esque flurry of blows to the face and body of Munster's Denis Leamy. The result? Yellow card. Perfect.
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Rio Ferdinand at least managed to strike somebody in the tunnel after Saturday's defeat to Chelsea. Unfortunately, it was a woman; a steward who got in the way of the Future England Captain's flailing limbs.
Mindful that Fabio Capello might have been watching, and that 24 hours earlier Fergie said it was Ferdinand's "destiny" to become United skipper, the Rio PR machine moved quickly to defuse the situation with this statement:
"I kicked the wall in frustration at the result as I have done in the past. Unfortunately a lady was stood by and I accidentally brushed her with my foot. I went back to make sure she was okay and apologised profusely. Credit to her she laughed it off and was very understanding. She said she wasn't hurt. I have arranged for a bouquet of flowers to be sent to her."
Several things:
1- "As I have done in the past"?! So one of the most valuable and highest-paid sportsmen in the world makes a habit of smacking a concrete wall with his oh-so-snappable metatarsals?
2- "I accidentally brushed her with my foot." Now, Rio is supposed to be pretty good at kicking things, right? So to accidentally make contact with a lady when you are aiming for a wall is rather worrying, isn't it? He did not add whether he was going with his weaker left foot, but perhaps he should have tried a John Arne Riise-style diving header instead.
3- "I have arranged for a bouquet of flowers to be sent to her." Agent! Get some flowers to that woman! There, I've arranged for a bouquet to be sent.
In a way, Early Doors is encouraged by the fact that United could be so graceless in defeat. In an age where players give such little indication that they could care less about the result, it is strangely reassuring to see some short tempers and petulance.
Rio gets paid £120,000-a-week even if he loses, so if he were only in it for the money he probably wouldn't bother getting so worked up.
The incident rather caught some of the Sunday columnists on the hop, including Patrick Barclay, whose normally-sound analysis in the Sunday Telegraph was derailed by events at the Bridge.
Early Doors imagines Barclay filing his column nice and early on Friday, anticipating a relaxing weekend spent strolling around the Cotswolds, or possibly sitting at a fake kitchen table in Osterley arguing with other hacks on TV.
His article was entitled 'Rio Ferdinand matures into dream leader' and contained an impassioned argument that the United man should be the next England captain.
Rio's tantrum rather undermined Barclay, whose rhetorical bacon could not even be saved by swiftly-inserted quip about how his misbehaviour makes him more like Roy Keane.
- - -
You didn't have to be Nostradamus to know that Cristiano Ronaldo was going to win the PFA Player of the Year award (in fact, the legendary late medieval seer made a bit of a howler by plumping for Emmanuel Adebayor).
The PFA insists on gathering votes a good month before the end of the season and handing out the awards smack in the middle of squeaky bum time.
Consequently Ronaldo did not attend the ceremony. Instead he came straight from an audition for 'You're The One That I Want', gelled of quiff and leather of jacket, to accept the award from the man who decided he wasn't worth a place in the side for United's biggest league game of the season.
And it was nice to see some recognition for embattled Spurs keeper Paul Robinson, who ended a difficult season by being named in the Championship team of the season at left-back. As a West Brom player.
With Juande Ramos preparing to splash £10m on some giant-handed Spaniard over the summer, the Baggies defender ensures there will still be one Paul Robinson playing top-flight football come autumn.
The Premier League team of the season continued a seemingly Stalinist effort to write Chelsea out of history, which could be difficult if they win the title.
The champions-elect (you just watch United stuff it up against West Ham) had no representatives, while the crumbliest, flakiest football team in the world had four - Fabregas, Adebayor, Clichy and Sagna.
- - -
Time to pay lip service to those north of the border, where Celtic's 3-2 Old Firm win leaves them five points clear at the top of the SPL with three games to go.
Game over, surely? Well, yes, but the title is going to Rangers, who have three games in hand. The only problem for the Gers is that nobody seems able to agree when to play the extra matches.
The SPL have issued two fixture lists - one if Rangers reach the UEFA Cup final and another if they do not, the former scenario seeing the final round of fixtures moved to May 22nd.
Celtic, of course, would rather the season not be extended, thereby forcing their rivals to play five matches in seven days. For the "sporting integrity" of the competition, obviously.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: Avram Grant's wife Tzofit: "I really don't know what will happen next year. I also don't know if Avram knows. I've learned something important during the last year - not to make plans." Really? ED would have thought if Mrs Grant had learned anything important, it would be not to drink urine on national TV.
GOAL OF THE WEEKEND: Marcos Senna's remarkable lob from halfway for Villarreal against Real Betis that kept the Liga title race alive (just). A shame Sky missed the goal as it only showed the second half of that game, reserving the 6-7pm spot on its four channels for more Premier League analysis, Seamaster Sailing, Nottinghamshire v Ireland cricket and WWE wrestling.
FOREIGN VIEW: "¡CAMPEONES! ¡CAMPEONES!" To hell with the fact that Real Madrid haven't clinched La Liga yet, Marca wasn't about to waste its celebratory front cover. Mind you, a 10-point cushion with four games to play says Spain's most one-eyed sports daily probably won't be wearing egg on its face any time soon.
DISS OF THE DAY: The normally-reliable james_ssmith takes exception to the tongue-in-cheek 'Massive List': "Seems to have been a bit of naivety this weekend from ED. If you're going to have "massive" collocating with an FC name then you've got have "huge" or "gigantic" plus all the other syninyms you can think of. Then you might get an idea of which club has the biggest reputation if you really want an answer to this utterly pointless exercise." At least Early Doors can spell 'synonym'.
TALKING POINT: Early Doors is sure you have plenty to talk about from the weekend. Visited a nice stately home? Got that filing done at last? Thrown a punch at Patrice Evra? Share your experiences below.
COMING UP: Who could have imagined that Derby v Arsenal would count for so little at this stage of the season? Still, it's a chance for Arsene Wenger to give the kids a run out and compile a cricket score. Follow it LIVE with us from 8pm this evening.
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From vitali_oiltrade on Mon Apr 28 08:51AMfor?
From tosinsbox on Mon Apr 28 09:01AMchelsea are scum. But when watching the match, ballack was prolific in lampards absence.
From goodechuff2001 on Mon Apr 28 09:02AMi think all players should have to leave their hangbags at the door,
From newgator67 on Mon Apr 28 09:03AMthe bit about paul robinson just made my day
From chelseabears11 on Mon Apr 28 09:04AMthe bit about paul robinson just made my day
From chelseabears11 on Mon Apr 28 09:04AMED get ur bloody glasses, obviously the palm was aimed in the direction of the palm - in my opinion, he was trying to block it off. If u're of the opinion that a pro footballer should throw punches with a groundsman, then I think I'd better stop reading this blog.
From tosinsbox on Mon Apr 28 09:06AMFrom the article about the scuffle, it's obvious the groundsman has something to hide ("they told me not to say anything"
. I wouldn't be surprised if he used the N word.From tosinsbox on Mon Apr 28 09:09AMNB. "palm was aimed in the direction of the fist"
From tosinsbox on Mon Apr 28 09:09AMtosinsbox that ridiculous for you to think that a player shouldnt defend himself in case of a fight. Both men should show that they are men. Evra is a sissy and from the look of things he got what he deserved. Man U crumbled and lost the plot, SAF, his assistant,his captain and the rest of the players had a bad day in the office and they behace like kids.THE FUTURE IS BLUE, THE FUTURE IS CHELSEA!!!!!!!!
From kudachisepo2000 on Mon Apr 28 09:19AMIf evra is to get banned(which is going to happen anyway) he should at least have gone down fighting!!!
From kudachisepo2000 on Mon Apr 28 09:22AMFrom what I have read, the whole handbags incident was caused by the ground staff asking the ManUre players to run in a certain direction on the pitch because of grass mowing patterns, a request which the directionally-challenged players then failed to comply with? Is there some disease spreading in the EPL with players not knowing which way to go on the pitch? First it was Riise and now it is Evra and Co? And since ED is so interested in our weekend, on Friday we went to the gym early and then spent the morning sunbathing round the pool in 36 degree heat (centigrade that is - 36 fahrenheit is UK temps
), had friends round for dinner in the evening, then Saturday just chilled out and watched the Chelsea game and then the later games. Made my day to see Fergie going ballistic about the penalty...yeh, you have a perfect right to complain as you get penalties awarded against you every week don't you! Er no actually, it was your first of the season. If you listen to fergie Man U have never given away a legitimate penalty in their whole history, yet are disgracefully denied at least 3 every match. Get a life Ferguson. And send Evra to some self-defence classes........
From andywalker269 on Mon Apr 28 09:24AMhaving seen ballack put in his best performance at stamford bridge since he played there against chelsea in the champions league, i went to see if my ailing german car had also finally sprung into the kind of exhilarating life i had expected of it when i bought it; surprisingly, it really performed; yestrday evening i had to go out again, this time with a load of passengers (including one from a former eastern block county), so had to use my alternative vehicle. this morning my german car seems to have returned to its former ways, reluctant to perform as it should. I'm thinking i maybe should get rid of my alternative (a british car) so that the german one may realise i will be depending on it to perform if i am to keep it in the maner to which it seems to want to be accustomed (lots of loving attention from all around)
From c.hawcroft on Mon Apr 28 09:33AM"Is there some disease spreading in the EPL with players not knowing which way to go on the pitch? First it was Riise and now it is Evra and Co?"
LMFAO!!!!!!
From kudachisepo2000 on Mon Apr 28 09:37AMtosinbox: pls stop reading this blog. its so obvious that u are a manure fan. common, u know what ED is all about, so if u cant stand it, then u can go
From toksonice on Mon Apr 28 09:58AMoh, i think d mancs are IMPLODING!!! Mr Red nose fergie is losing it and my weekend couldnt have been better. chelski, well done
From toksonice on Mon Apr 28 10:00AMwhere are all the ManUre fans today????
From kudachisepo2000 on Mon Apr 28 10:05AMchelsea are not scum you narrow minded ape !!!
man united are the team beatin up ground staff
havin temper tantroms cos they cant kick a ball at the goal !!!!
all im gonna say is come the final match day who gonna be laughing ????
CHELSEA!!
From ipswich9382 on Mon Apr 28 10:06AMI had a good weekend. I introduced my 9 week old kitten to my 7 year old cat for the first time. These two moggies managed to put on a better fight than most footballers. Of course, the tiny kitten won.
I still like the David Batty/Graeme LeSaux fight. Fractured wrist? Maybe footballers should be taught how to throw punches. Having said that, Gary Flitcroft threw a good one in his debut for Blackburn (yes going back a few years) - he walked up and chinned big Dunc. Brilliant.
From dantomprez on Mon Apr 28 10:06AMAgbonlahor denies Everton??????? What were u guys thinking? And since when did the giant Norwegian looked like this guy who has forgotten his roots and wanting to wear the England shirt? This was a really blunder and like a big boo-boo. Wondering if you needed a line man () to show Alan Wiley(ED) that you guys don’t know how to use your hands (Carrick) when you are in the box. Shame on you and shame on Ballack and Drogba. What were they do and as usual, he “Grant”ed them all the unnecessary time and thinking he’s gonna win the title. To hell with him and since his wife doesn’t plan, no wonder Chelsea isn’t planning either.
From atokoi2002 on Mon Apr 28 10:09AMI always love it when United lose, just to see Fergie's indignation. He always remminds me of that really obnoxious bloke trying to get into a club "What do you mean you're giving a penalty against us? How dare you! Don't you know who we are? We're United!" So he admitted that it was a handball but doesn't think it should be a penalty? I'm an Arsenal fan, and since we're not going to win it this season, I want Chelsea to do it, for 3 reasons, as an up yours to people who've dissed Grant, even though he pretty much saved Chelseas season without anyone noticing, to shut Fergie up from claiming that his current crop of divers and nancy @#$% are "the best he's ever had", thus insulting the achievements of the '99 side that won the treble, and thirdly, well its always funny to see United get knocked down a peg or two.
From godot_isnt_coming on Mon Apr 28 10:09AMtoksonice: i duno knw why short sighted pple should go surfing the net without their glasses. i've always had the biliv that chelsea fans r arrogant and bunch of scoufers. the pic tells it all. evra was only on the defensive end "he's a denfender u knw',... besides the punch came from the the ground staff and not evra. why shd he be baned, can somebody tell me why?
From mails4joe3k on Mon Apr 28 10:16AMI am surprised ED didnt go for Drogba vs Ballack dispute over the free kick. It just showed up what does team spirit mean to Chelsea...just bunch of stupid egos they are...They dont worry about team success but they want to see their names in the papers. I think Fergie should have thought twice about his team selection and play at least tevez with rooney up front...never mind...MAN UTD is still gonna win it...no doubts whatsoever...
From peto.ceco on Mon Apr 28 10:16AMYou guys act like you witnessed what really happened. Its not just about what you read and to say anything before any official conclusions are made just displays insecurities to chelsea's innocence. Just wait for the investigation report, then we'll all know what really went down in stamford bridge. For the time being chelsea fans should just do what their groundsman Sam Bethell was instructed to.
"I've been told not to say anything about what actually happened" - Sam BethellFrom a_azrae on Mon Apr 28 10:25AMmails4joe3k : i am not a chelski fan. No chance!!! i just love it when mr fergie continue ranting.
From toksonice on Mon Apr 28 10:25AMThis weekend I went to kick a wall in frustration, but hit the cat in the ar$e instead. It's fine though, I arranged for some Whiskers to be sent to it...
From splatrowe on Mon Apr 28 10:25AMit's shame of you Man United, acted like a 3 yr old kid after losing the match...come on, you are still no.1 at the moment and be professional a bit... when liverpool lose to MU 0-3 with a red card, they still behaved professionally and played like gentlemen... what this called??? this called "can't afford to lose" and very narrow minded...
From taurent016 on Mon Apr 28 10:29AMAnd to top it off, Man U players actually defended each other during the scuffle. Tevez was watching Evras back, as for chelsea, back watching was taken too literally. If anyone remembers what happened during the game, Ballack turned his back to an irrate Drogba so he could watch it intently and furiously.
From a_azrae on Mon Apr 28 10:33AMSo now we even on points with ManU, how cool is that!!!The next best thing would be for ManU to draw or even better to lose to West Ham, and lose to Barca
) It would be absolutly fantastic to win the premiership by one point...And get to Moscow. Be affraid ....We are coming to get ya....From al_pachino666 on Mon Apr 28 10:37AMAnd to top it off, Man U players actually defended each other during the scuffle. Tevez was watching Evras back, as for chelsea, back watching was taken too literally. If anyone remembers what happened during the game, Ballack turned his back to an irrate Drogba so he could watch it intently and furiously.
taurent016:what happened after the game is what we call passion really, thats one of the reasons why Man U is top and liverpool has been stuck in 4th for i dont know how long. And when teammates fight over a freekick, then thats what i would define as acting like a 3 yr old.From a_azrae on Mon Apr 28 10:38AM
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