Street Fighting Man
Mon Apr 28 08:48AM
There is something about footballers that makes them spectacularly bad at fighting. Given the lack of invitation they need to square up to each other, you might think that one or two had thrown a punch in their time.
Yet, Duncan Ferguson aside, they fail even to grasp the basics. Look at the picture of Patrice Evra, right, playing pat-a-cake with a Chelsea groundsman. Just what on earth is he trying to do? Grind his assailant's face with the palm of his hand? And what's with the protruding tongue?
The Manchester United defender's dancing partner is said to be one Sam Bethell, a Millwall fan who reportedly spends his free time "drinking and reading books on football hooliganism". Which, as mower men go, makes him a modern-day Albert Camus.
Evra is far from alone in his pugilistic ineptitude. Scraps are playground standard at best, with protagonists pinching, kicking and occasionally chucking pizza at each other but very rarely landing a telling blow.
Zinedine Zidane claims to be from the 'hood, but surely if you're trying to hurt somebody you don't butt him in the chest? Way to avenge the grave insult on your family, Zizou.
And anyone who hasn't seen Luis Fabiano's legendary 'windmill' fight with Carlos Diogo should go straight to any popular video sharing website to discover why, 15 months on, the clip is still in ED's 'favourites' list.
Compare that to the game with the funny balls. In yesterday's Heineken Cup semi-final, Saracens prop Nick Lloyd unleashed a Calzaghe-esque flurry of blows to the face and body of Munster's Denis Leamy. The result? Yellow card. Perfect.
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Rio Ferdinand at least managed to strike somebody in the tunnel after Saturday's defeat to Chelsea. Unfortunately, it was a woman; a steward who got in the way of the Future England Captain's flailing limbs.
Mindful that Fabio Capello might have been watching, and that 24 hours earlier Fergie said it was Ferdinand's "destiny" to become United skipper, the Rio PR machine moved quickly to defuse the situation with this statement:
"I kicked the wall in frustration at the result as I have done in the past. Unfortunately a lady was stood by and I accidentally brushed her with my foot. I went back to make sure she was okay and apologised profusely. Credit to her she laughed it off and was very understanding. She said she wasn't hurt. I have arranged for a bouquet of flowers to be sent to her."
Several things:
1- "As I have done in the past"?! So one of the most valuable and highest-paid sportsmen in the world makes a habit of smacking a concrete wall with his oh-so-snappable metatarsals?
2- "I accidentally brushed her with my foot." Now, Rio is supposed to be pretty good at kicking things, right? So to accidentally make contact with a lady when you are aiming for a wall is rather worrying, isn't it? He did not add whether he was going with his weaker left foot, but perhaps he should have tried a John Arne Riise-style diving header instead.
3- "I have arranged for a bouquet of flowers to be sent to her." Agent! Get some flowers to that woman! There, I've arranged for a bouquet to be sent.
In a way, Early Doors is encouraged by the fact that United could be so graceless in defeat. In an age where players give such little indication that they could care less about the result, it is strangely reassuring to see some short tempers and petulance.
Rio gets paid £120,000-a-week even if he loses, so if he were only in it for the money he probably wouldn't bother getting so worked up.
The incident rather caught some of the Sunday columnists on the hop, including Patrick Barclay, whose normally-sound analysis in the Sunday Telegraph was derailed by events at the Bridge.
Early Doors imagines Barclay filing his column nice and early on Friday, anticipating a relaxing weekend spent strolling around the Cotswolds, or possibly sitting at a fake kitchen table in Osterley arguing with other hacks on TV.
His article was entitled 'Rio Ferdinand matures into dream leader' and contained an impassioned argument that the United man should be the next England captain.
Rio's tantrum rather undermined Barclay, whose rhetorical bacon could not even be saved by swiftly-inserted quip about how his misbehaviour makes him more like Roy Keane.
- - -
You didn't have to be Nostradamus to know that Cristiano Ronaldo was going to win the PFA Player of the Year award (in fact, the legendary late medieval seer made a bit of a howler by plumping for Emmanuel Adebayor).
The PFA insists on gathering votes a good month before the end of the season and handing out the awards smack in the middle of squeaky bum time.
Consequently Ronaldo did not attend the ceremony. Instead he came straight from an audition for 'You're The One That I Want', gelled of quiff and leather of jacket, to accept the award from the man who decided he wasn't worth a place in the side for United's biggest league game of the season.
And it was nice to see some recognition for embattled Spurs keeper Paul Robinson, who ended a difficult season by being named in the Championship team of the season at left-back. As a West Brom player.
With Juande Ramos preparing to splash £10m on some giant-handed Spaniard over the summer, the Baggies defender ensures there will still be one Paul Robinson playing top-flight football come autumn.
The Premier League team of the season continued a seemingly Stalinist effort to write Chelsea out of history, which could be difficult if they win the title.
The champions-elect (you just watch United stuff it up against West Ham) had no representatives, while the crumbliest, flakiest football team in the world had four - Fabregas, Adebayor, Clichy and Sagna.
- - -
Time to pay lip service to those north of the border, where Celtic's 3-2 Old Firm win leaves them five points clear at the top of the SPL with three games to go.
Game over, surely? Well, yes, but the title is going to Rangers, who have three games in hand. The only problem for the Gers is that nobody seems able to agree when to play the extra matches.
The SPL have issued two fixture lists - one if Rangers reach the UEFA Cup final and another if they do not, the former scenario seeing the final round of fixtures moved to May 22nd.
Celtic, of course, would rather the season not be extended, thereby forcing their rivals to play five matches in seven days. For the "sporting integrity" of the competition, obviously.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: Avram Grant's wife Tzofit: "I really don't know what will happen next year. I also don't know if Avram knows. I've learned something important during the last year - not to make plans." Really? ED would have thought if Mrs Grant had learned anything important, it would be not to drink urine on national TV.
GOAL OF THE WEEKEND: Marcos Senna's remarkable lob from halfway for Villarreal against Real Betis that kept the Liga title race alive (just). A shame Sky missed the goal as it only showed the second half of that game, reserving the 6-7pm spot on its four channels for more Premier League analysis, Seamaster Sailing, Nottinghamshire v Ireland cricket and WWE wrestling.
FOREIGN VIEW: "¡CAMPEONES! ¡CAMPEONES!" To hell with the fact that Real Madrid haven't clinched La Liga yet, Marca wasn't about to waste its celebratory front cover. Mind you, a 10-point cushion with four games to play says Spain's most one-eyed sports daily probably won't be wearing egg on its face any time soon.
DISS OF THE DAY: The normally-reliable james_ssmith takes exception to the tongue-in-cheek 'Massive List': "Seems to have been a bit of naivety this weekend from ED. If you're going to have "massive" collocating with an FC name then you've got have "huge" or "gigantic" plus all the other syninyms you can think of. Then you might get an idea of which club has the biggest reputation if you really want an answer to this utterly pointless exercise." At least Early Doors can spell 'synonym'.
TALKING POINT: Early Doors is sure you have plenty to talk about from the weekend. Visited a nice stately home? Got that filing done at last? Thrown a punch at Patrice Evra? Share your experiences below.
COMING UP: Who could have imagined that Derby v Arsenal would count for so little at this stage of the season? Still, it's a chance for Arsene Wenger to give the kids a run out and compile a cricket score. Follow it LIVE with us from 8pm this evening.
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IM this storytaurent016:what happened after the game is what we call passion really, thats one of the reasons why Man U is top and liverpool has been stuck in 4th for i dont know how long. And when teammates fight over a freekick, then thats what i would define as acting like a 3 yr old kid.
From a_azrae on Mon Apr 28 10:40AMa_azrae: agreed with you on the freekick case(they looked stupid)... and i never say chelsea always good, neither Man United... i'm just looking into the incident with neutral mind...that's all...
From taurent016 on Mon Apr 28 10:45AM@ comment 26, a_azrae....in the normal world, your very reasonable and balanced comment would be spot on. However, this is the parallel universe known as Early Doors, which is about banter, taking the p1ss, wild exaggerations, the odd joke, relatively well-intended sarcasm, and an overall irreverent approach. For all I know, in the photos Evra could be the aggressor trying to pull off a Vulcan Mind Meld, or he could be trying to use his hands to teach the groundskeeper to count...in fact he was probably signalling the amount of penalties his manager said ManUre were denied by the ref on the day.....but whatever, we'll leave the sober, balanced coverage to the serious papers and blogs and ED will continue to be as it is.....
From andywalker269 on Mon Apr 28 10:52AMSomeone enlighten me, if its so important which way the grass is mowed, why not mark direction lanes on the pitch so that the bldy players dont run willy nilly during games like they have over past century or so.
From bkm265 on Mon Apr 28 10:52AMtaurent016:Your "neutral" point of view isn't really evident in your previous post.
From a_azrae on Mon Apr 28 10:55AMAs neither a Chelsea nor MUFC fan I just love it when SAF gets so het up about decisions which he would welcome if they went in MUFC's favour. How easily we forget the 100+ minute games at Old Trafford when MUFC were losing/drawing!
From geelte on Mon Apr 28 10:56AMIt was Rio's "as I have done in the past" line that troubled me. It wasn't just the fact that he had done it before that was the problem - it was the fact that he used it as his justification. In otherwords he's done it before without hitting anyone so it wasn't really his fault this time!
From michelangeloindeed on Mon Apr 28 10:57AMFrom what i understand, Man Utd fans are not wanted here? Our opinions are not accepted or respected? Understood.
Before I get rid of myself, I'd like to underline the fact that the punishment/ridicule given to a footballer is different from that given to a groundsman after a scuffle. if the pic had been one of Evra throwing the punch, the gist would have been different (eg. Evra the French thug), but ok, let's agree that Evra should have punched back or at least, been caught on cam with a clenched fist. Happy now?
Forget the lawnmower story-it's possible that the players were disobedient, but did everyone miss the fact that EVRA was insulted!? Given the fact that it was Tevez that mentioned it and not Evra (even using the word "grave"
means there's more to it than the silly pic up there. (do you guys ONLY READ ED's BLOG??)
"and to top it off Man Utd players defended each other..." - that's being in A TEAM is all about.To end my rant - Chelsea played well. Won the match and are now on level points. Bravo. 2 more matches for both teams, may the best team win.
It's kinda disappointing to hear that this blog is biased (I mean the writers not the fans, we all know whenever Man Utd plays, half the pub don't support the other team but just don't want us to win anyway)
C'est la vie. Enjoy
From tosinsbox on Mon Apr 28 11:03AMit's shame of you Man United, acted like a 3 yr old kid after losing the match...come on, you are still no.1 at the moment and be professional a bi...
2 seasons ago, anyone remember what we did when Chelsea playes us after winning the league? It's called showing respect to the oposition.
From tosinsbox on Mon Apr 28 11:04AM@ pachinno... : why don't u worry about ur own games. Just in case u don't remember - Bolton, Newcastle and 'Pool. Leave worrying about Man Utd's results to Man Utd fans.
Nevertheless - Win or Lose, **** the blues.
From tosinsbox on Mon Apr 28 11:07AMclichy, sagna, cesc and adebayor are way better and have had a much better season than cole, beletti/essian/ferrira/the rest of chelsea's reight backs, fat lampard and drogba. so to complain that no chelsea players arent in the team and that arsenal players are in there is a bit of a joke. the only player than comes close is cech and maybe wright-philips for his remarkable achievement of starting the season as one of the best wingers in the league to going straight back to the bench in the space of 3 months
From mullens66 on Mon Apr 28 11:10AMtosinsbox
he he he...you are so funny. It's because you scared. It's ok....There will be your year I'm sure, just not this one
)From al_pachino666 on Mon Apr 28 11:10AMandywalker269:then i guess i belong in the real world after all not in this twisted alternate "comments universe" (accompanied by orchestrated and intense music). I must say i enjoyed reading the article though and i'll leave all the nonsense ramblings to the professionals.
From a_azrae on Mon Apr 28 11:10AM@ pachi: Scared?? Of course I am. I'm also @#$%, nervous, mad, disgusted, terrified and pumped up. However, I believe in my team, so don't worry about me so much. Thanks for caring though.
From tosinsbox on Mon Apr 28 11:14AMU folks remember how many times during our 9 championships, the whole country and half the globe prayed that MANCHESTER UNITED losed during practically every match?
U know why winning when u're down and hated tastes so good? Didn't think so.From tosinsbox on Mon Apr 28 11:19AMtosinsbox
Anytime my friend, anytimeFrom al_pachino666 on Mon Apr 28 11:26AMtosinbox:dude, you really shouldnt say too much about the truth or whats really going on in the normal world, you might upset the "comment gods".
In the real world, Man U is still on top, and anybody else who doesn't agree with that needs this "alternate universe" to imagine a world where Chelsea is (don't mind me being specific, it is the topic of the day)
do they drive on the other side of the road here?From a_azrae on Mon Apr 28 11:27AMtosinbox:dude, you really shouldnt say too much about the truth or whats really going on in the normal world, you might upset the "comment gods".
In the real world, Man U is still on top, and anybody else who doesn't agree with that needs this "alternate universe" to imagine a world where Chelsea is (don't mind me being specific, it is the topic of the day)
do they drive on the other side of the road here?From a_azrae on Mon Apr 28 11:29AMa_azrae....the real world is an OK place. I spend my whole day being very serious at work and dealing with other very serious people, so ED gives me a little bit of light relief, and I suspect the same is true of many lurkers and many of the regular posters. If you are looking for serious coverage and serious comments, you are on the wrong web page.
From andywalker269 on Mon Apr 28 11:33AMP.S. pisses me off when some fool tries to proclaim that most Man Utd fans don't live in Manchester#@$@! During the match at the Bridge, there were frigging Millwall and Arsenal fans rooting for Chelsea!!! For crying out loud people!! Imagine United rooting for City when they play 'Pool. What's happened to the fans of today?
From tosinsbox on Mon Apr 28 11:33AMI once went to kick the settee in frustration as Tottenham conceded yet another late goal, only to kick my 10 year old daughter by mistake. Mind you, with our increasingly leaky defence this season its a wonder she hasn't left home.
From mpasc66 on Mon Apr 28 11:34AMIt it was true that Rio kicked a woman then his case is even worse than Evra. English writes should not display their racism here. Demand equally good purnishment for Rio, and stop talking about Evra alone.
Sir Alex can go to hell for thinking that there was injustice for Chelsea to score them. Writers can ask him or go back to view the recorded version of the match between Chelsea and Man U at Old Trafford. The penalty given to Man U was wrong. The second goal of Man U came in the extra-extra time. There was 2 minutes official extra-time. But the second goal came in the 95th minute. So go to hell Sir Alex.
From damoah_afari on Mon Apr 28 11:34AM@ mpasc66: firstly, bragging about domestic violence on a blog is neither funny nor intelligent.
Secundo, what do Derby fans kick?From tosinsbox on Mon Apr 28 11:36AMIf it was true that Rio kicked a woman then his case is even worse than Evra. English writers should not display their racism here. Demand equally good purnishment for Rio, and stop talking about Evra alone.
Sir Alex can go to hell for thinking that there was injustice for Chelsea to score them. Writers can ask him or go back to view the recorded version of the match between Chelsea and Man U at Old Trafford. The penalty given to Man U was wrong. The second goal of Man U came in the extra-extra time. There was 2 minutes official extra-time. But the second goal came in the 95th minute. So go to hell Sir Alex.
From damoah_afari on Mon Apr 28 11:39AM@ afari: Learn to read mate. Real press i.e. It's now clear to me that if not for the comments on this blog, several individuals in here WOULD NOT know anything about events in the footballing world.
From tosinsbox on Mon Apr 28 11:39AMWe will see the kind of decision that the FA will make. Always getting hard on black players and teams that are not seen to be one of the so-called "English" teams.
From damoah_afari on Mon Apr 28 11:40AM@tosinsbox............. pleae let me know your problem about my post
From damoah_afari on Mon Apr 28 11:42AM@tosinsbox............. please let me know your problem about my post
From damoah_afari on Mon Apr 28 11:42AMMan United will probably get fined a couple of thousands and Evra (maybe Tevez) will miss the 1st two games next season.
No punishment for Chelsea. He was just a lawn boy. No model to the society.From tosinsbox on Mon Apr 28 11:45AMatokoi2002 You cant speak English I dont think. Ballack n Drogba fightin over the free kick was funny.
From sav46e on Mon Apr 28 12:17PM
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