Et tu, Wisey ??
Fri Sep 05 09:03AM
King Kev is dead, again, but this time it's "for real like", and it's all the fault of that nasty, ankle-biting rodent Dennis Wise - who used his rat-like cunning to send the Messiah on his way. Clearly a career spent kicking people for Chelsea, followed by a move into management at much-loved Millwall, followed by a move to much-loved Leeds hadn't quite satisfied his thirst for public disdain.
In light of his involvement Early Doors expects Wise to be issued with the Geordie equivalent of a fatwa. Ant and Dec will present a one-hour special renouncing him, Jimmy Nail will record a comeback album featuring the track "my crocodile shoes in Dennis's face" and Sting has agreed to seduce Mrs Wise to exact revenge.
"He could start a fight in an empty house," said Sir Alex Ferguson of Wise, so the next few days are likely to be as tasty as 3am in a coastal Kebab house.
As for poor Old Kev, even ED's cynicism has been tested by his plight. A manager from a bygone age, who wants to buy players he's heard of and believes he can turn Joey Barton into something other than a malevolent chav, appears to have no place in the modern game.
You can't help think Keegan's only hope of salvation would be a role with his local Under-11s. At least there he'd have the freedom to run things his way - bring in the players he liked, preach the gospel of passion and not have to see Wise or Mike Ashley on a daily basis. Judging by the reaction from the Toon Army he might even get 50,000 at home games.
Planet Toon Army has been rocked before, but this past week has been particularly hard on "the best fans in the country" (copyright Sky Sports) and their beloved city. Ninety-five percent of local businesses have been left without staff all week, and the tens of thousands who left their jobs to camp outside St James' Park have all used up their year's holiday allowance - burning a gigantic hole in the Benidorm economy in the process.
"Mike Ashley is a fraud who has put this club back 20 years," said one disgruntled fan. "We've been trying to get away from the image of whippets and flat caps and he goes and downs a pint in the stands."
Ashley's PR barometer might be awry, but ED can't see him handing Wise the keys to the Byker Grove Castle in light of the fans' reaction, and rather fancies Sven Goran-Eriksson to arrive as the club's next saviour. After all, the Svengali is motivated purely by the filthy lucre and couldn't give a hoot about his acting freedoms providing his pockets are stuffed with the green stuff.
He'd look great in a flat cap, walking a whippet too.
- - -
On to the England camp, and the news that (Sir) David Beckham is set to be sensationally axed by Fabio Capello for the World Cup qualifier against mighty Andorra on Saturday, and replaced by Theo Walcott.
ED likes to see managers taking risks, but let's be honest - England should be able to beat Andorra with Theo Paphitis operating in a midfield berth, and won't get carried away if Fabio "goes bold" against a team ranked 186th in the world.
Gareth Barry is also in the news, sensationally admitting to the Mirror that his summer transfer saga "hit me hard". If he'd have spent the last four months covering it, writing a nauseating story a day following every single event he may have felt stronger.
Back to the football, ED would like to hear your predicted line-ups for England's goal buffet in Barcelona.
- - -
TALKING POINT
Early Doors doffs its hat to kantong_wokster (the real one, not the imbecilic impostor), who has donated 15 of her hard-earned euros to UNICEF in order to secure a mention on the page.
Sensibly, she cut out the middle man, giving her cash directly to charity and sending ED the receipt as proof of her good deed.
kantong's finest contribution to the message board yesterday: "CHEEK KISSING SUCKS - I HATE having to kiss French people's cheeks all the time!!! Especially after garlic, sausages, camembert and wine. I have personal space issues."
Early Doors is starting to feel like Bono, and would like its sense of self-worth inflated further.
So, if you'd like to earn the respect of your peers and get a mention on a minor football blog, give some money to charity and send the receipt to early.doors@yahoo.co.uk.
how do?
From andyc147 on Fri Sep 05 09:05AMDharrrr-um.....
From early.jaws on Fri Sep 05 09:06AMHuh?
From shrivathsaiyengar on Fri Sep 05 09:08AMThirst!
From roxydgurll on Fri Sep 05 09:10AMOh, have heard of his name for long. But didn¡¯t know himself. He did a great job in this. I know his affairs are warmly discussed at the Senior dating club [ Seeking40plus COM ] . Many girls love it very much.
From shmilyct3 on Fri Sep 05 09:10AMnikyates you bore me; get a life
From roxydgurll on Fri Sep 05 09:11AMi know this isn't football related but has anyone read the news about the deasly spider found in coop banana's, if not heres a taster!!
RSPCA officer Anthony Pulfer said: "It was very aggressive and trying to go for me when I was putting it in the box. It was really jumping around and trying to attack me."
The spider was eventually taken away to be put down.From andyc147 on Fri Sep 05 09:14AMOi! My 200 hours of work would easily equate to £2000, where's my mentions?!
From not_blonde_really on Fri Sep 05 09:17AMhow exactly do you put down a spider?
lethal injection? , shoot it?From andyc147 on Fri Sep 05 09:18AMNewcastle, Kevin Keegan, Mike Ashley, Denise Wise, Byker Grove, Ant & Dec, Whippets & Flat Caps, The Toon Army, Fabio Capello, David Beckham, Garth Barry, Theo Walcott, UNICEF, Bono and Early Doors SUCK!!!!!!!!!
From kevin1985kane on Fri Sep 05 09:19AMhello. i have ripped my kex, and my arse is hanging out. a bit like mike ashley's face if the geordies get hold of the silly fat bas tard. i hope keegan gets a nice payoff, he got shafted. and dennis wise couldn't manage a fart in his own underpants. have a nice day.
From westcoast_ices on Fri Sep 05 09:20AMTell you what its a bit distastefull of Wise and his cronies to be laughing and pointing at the funeral there attending!!
From andyc147 on Fri Sep 05 09:20AMYAY! Morning all - ED you rock
Bout time they got rid of that poser Beckham
Its a sad indictment of our great sport the day that KK walks away and Barton, Ashley and Wise stay...
From kantong_wokster on Fri Sep 05 09:24AMdon't think its a funeral......knowing the boy wise, he's probly ripping the p ss out of some 10 year old kid before he beats him up. just about his style.
From westcoast_ices on Fri Sep 05 09:24AMTake a spider away to be put down?
why didn't they just swat it with a newspaper
From g_hine on Fri Sep 05 09:24AMgary glitter only likes girls.
From westcoast_ices on Fri Sep 05 09:25AMkevin: actually - its like contributing towards an AIDS charity for little kids - its a win/win situation
Like to see you put your money where your mouth is
like Bono - its not for the recognition - its for the cause!
From kantong_wokster on Fri Sep 05 09:26AMGood Moaning All
What a lovely day it's tipping down cats and dogs the forecast is for two weeks rain in 24 hours
Why are there still so many owners in the premiership who are complete knobheads ?
If that Icelandic prawn Magnumpi or what ever his effing name is takes us down I shall personally pay some ex Intercity lads to fill him up with live eels 'til he chokes
On the bright side it looks like a good opportunity to bring Big Boy Ballack in as Player Manager
If we end up with a Croation or Italian manager I fear WHUFC will end up having the first manager sent barred from the Managers area for headbutting
Kantong Sam I am still absolutely WHUFC will beat the rusty hubcaps on DEC 3rd, buy your WHUFC shirt now, they might be giving them away but you will be making a vid of yourself singing 'I am forever blowing bubbles in a Hammers Shirt guaranteed
Ps Any sign of the vid of you singing the German National anthem yet KS ?
From arttidesco on Fri Sep 05 09:26AMHow does Wise do it ????????????????
As you have already documented,his meteoroic rise to fame.
He couldnt play without kicking people up in the air.Then when he got FASHIONABLE Millwall to the final.The only memorable thing he did,was grab Scholsey by the gonads............
Thats what he needs,i rest my caseFrom harkinsinturkey on Fri Sep 05 09:26AMYou're a heartless bàstard to say that UNICEF sucks, Kev....
there is a limit to the sucking
From kantong_wokster on Fri Sep 05 09:28AMI wonder if Kevin Keegan is miffed that the Toon management delayed his exit from management so long that Curbishley beat him to the "First Out the door 2008/9" title ?
From arttidesco on Fri Sep 05 09:29AMheya artti - its planned for the weekend!
From kantong_wokster on Fri Sep 05 09:29AMRoxy, looking good on this friday morn.xxx
From hometerryblue on Fri Sep 05 09:30AMLooks like the misadventure's of Joey Barton could get lively again
From arttidesco on Fri Sep 05 09:31AMNo way Ballack ever go to that shithole,get real.Blue Forever
From hometerryblue on Fri Sep 05 09:33AMhometerryblue - She's a fake!!
From kevin1985kane on Fri Sep 05 09:33AMKevin,your breaking my heart,shame on you.
From hometerryblue on Fri Sep 05 09:36AMkevin: I do hope for your sake one day you dont ever need help from anyone ;)
I take it you are jealous of Bono - great singer, admired by women all over the world, huge generous heart, always there where he is needed and using his fame for a good cause...
and here you are, giving away yoru hard earned tax dollars, whinging about supporting "mcdonalds starved couch potatoes"... its a sad life innit?
I feel sorry for you...
From kantong_wokster on Fri Sep 05 09:37AMKS your I am sure your next vid will be a number 1 you tube hit
Ballack is as blue as the ten squid notes stuffed in his back pocket
From arttidesco on Fri Sep 05 09:37AMI reckon there should be a cap on transfers and salaries imposed by the football gods
These prima donnas can only earn a certain amount, after that the money goes to charity
For example, limit the transfers to say... i dunno .. 15£million - then using Berbaknobs transfer as an example - the surplus (ie 19£mill) would be sent to the charity of his choice.
Voila - one way to stop the selfish money grabbing little swines
From kantong_wokster on Fri Sep 05 09:39AM
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