Et tu, Wisey ??
Fri Sep 05 09:03AM
King Kev is dead, again, but this time it's "for real like", and it's all the fault of that nasty, ankle-biting rodent Dennis Wise - who used his rat-like cunning to send the Messiah on his way. Clearly a career spent kicking people for Chelsea, followed by a move into management at much-loved Millwall, followed by a move to much-loved Leeds hadn't quite satisfied his thirst for public disdain.
In light of his involvement Early Doors expects Wise to be issued with the Geordie equivalent of a fatwa. Ant and Dec will present a one-hour special renouncing him, Jimmy Nail will record a comeback album featuring the track "my crocodile shoes in Dennis's face" and Sting has agreed to seduce Mrs Wise to exact revenge.
"He could start a fight in an empty house," said Sir Alex Ferguson of Wise, so the next few days are likely to be as tasty as 3am in a coastal Kebab house.
As for poor Old Kev, even ED's cynicism has been tested by his plight. A manager from a bygone age, who wants to buy players he's heard of and believes he can turn Joey Barton into something other than a malevolent chav, appears to have no place in the modern game.
You can't help think Keegan's only hope of salvation would be a role with his local Under-11s. At least there he'd have the freedom to run things his way - bring in the players he liked, preach the gospel of passion and not have to see Wise or Mike Ashley on a daily basis. Judging by the reaction from the Toon Army he might even get 50,000 at home games.
Planet Toon Army has been rocked before, but this past week has been particularly hard on "the best fans in the country" (copyright Sky Sports) and their beloved city. Ninety-five percent of local businesses have been left without staff all week, and the tens of thousands who left their jobs to camp outside St James' Park have all used up their year's holiday allowance - burning a gigantic hole in the Benidorm economy in the process.
"Mike Ashley is a fraud who has put this club back 20 years," said one disgruntled fan. "We've been trying to get away from the image of whippets and flat caps and he goes and downs a pint in the stands."
Ashley's PR barometer might be awry, but ED can't see him handing Wise the keys to the Byker Grove Castle in light of the fans' reaction, and rather fancies Sven Goran-Eriksson to arrive as the club's next saviour. After all, the Svengali is motivated purely by the filthy lucre and couldn't give a hoot about his acting freedoms providing his pockets are stuffed with the green stuff.
He'd look great in a flat cap, walking a whippet too.
- - -
On to the England camp, and the news that (Sir) David Beckham is set to be sensationally axed by Fabio Capello for the World Cup qualifier against mighty Andorra on Saturday, and replaced by Theo Walcott.
ED likes to see managers taking risks, but let's be honest - England should be able to beat Andorra with Theo Paphitis operating in a midfield berth, and won't get carried away if Fabio "goes bold" against a team ranked 186th in the world.
Gareth Barry is also in the news, sensationally admitting to the Mirror that his summer transfer saga "hit me hard". If he'd have spent the last four months covering it, writing a nauseating story a day following every single event he may have felt stronger.
Back to the football, ED would like to hear your predicted line-ups for England's goal buffet in Barcelona.
- - -
TALKING POINT
Early Doors doffs its hat to kantong_wokster (the real one, not the imbecilic impostor), who has donated 15 of her hard-earned euros to UNICEF in order to secure a mention on the page.
Sensibly, she cut out the middle man, giving her cash directly to charity and sending ED the receipt as proof of her good deed.
kantong's finest contribution to the message board yesterday: "CHEEK KISSING SUCKS - I HATE having to kiss French people's cheeks all the time!!! Especially after garlic, sausages, camembert and wine. I have personal space issues."
Early Doors is starting to feel like Bono, and would like its sense of self-worth inflated further.
So, if you'd like to earn the respect of your peers and get a mention on a minor football blog, give some money to charity and send the receipt to early.doors@yahoo.co.uk.
Amir Kahn was K O'd then. He was sadly too complacent. I like Amir Kahn . He's not as cocky as most boxers. You should read some of the comments about his fight on u tube. The racism on there is absolutely disgusting. i really couldn't repeat some of the stuff.
From samuelbanks on Sun Sep 07 04:41PMracism sucks
how you doin samuel
From kantong_wokster on Sun Sep 07 04:42PMwhat r u today sam.
From jammydodge6 on Sun Sep 07 04:45PMI watched the fight last night and it was pretty disappointing. I hate when there is a big build up to fights and then it's all over in less than a minute. I must look that up on U tube.
From jammydodge6 on Sun Sep 07 04:49PMR u talking to me or kantong jammy? Hi kantong . Im feelin pretty @#$% to be honest. Did you see the fight last night. All 50 seconds of it.
From samuelbanks on Sun Sep 07 04:52PMKantong sam. The girl has a new look everyday.
From jammydodge6 on Sun Sep 07 04:55PMWell done Germany last night, bad luck France. And I don't really know what to say about England.
From jammydodge6 on Sun Sep 07 04:58PMim so cross with Les Bleus - and I hate Domenech
sorry to hear you are feeing @#$% samuel - the weather doesnt help, if its as @#$% over there as it is over here
jammy: i like to change my look every now and then - right now I am dressed up as a leprechaun and have a pot of gold behind me and a four leaf clover pinned to my lapel; I need some luck this week
didnt see the fight - i was out till 4am partying last night after the game
From kantong_wokster on Sun Sep 07 05:01PMchanging look also makes it more interesting for the imposters when they want to try to pretend to be me ;)
From kantong_wokster on Sun Sep 07 05:02PMThe weather is pretty crappy but i don't really care about the weather 2b honest. I think im just getting bored with life in general. sorry to bring the tone down. I thought you might be partying last night, don't know why. i did alot of partying the week before last and now im as flat as a pancake. I think its hightime you got rid of that Domenech idiot. you're getting nowhere fast with him. France and England have alot in common it seems. They're both joined by a tunnel and they're both pis h at football.
From samuelbanks on Sun Sep 07 05:10PMyou know, life has its ups and downs - its kind of like a rollercoaster - yeah the partying thing has killed me - ive been out since friday night... trying to say goodbye to all my friends in France before I fly home.. starting to get a little sad myself!
you know samuel maybe a flat period now, but you'll find it will pick up again - its all a matter of positive attracts positive; take life by the ballz and make the most of it, dont ever live with regrets. whats stopping you from making your life what you want it to be in the end except for your own limitations ;)you see?
as for the French team - the only thing limiting them is the fact that domenech is friends with the owner of the OL Lyonnais and he is on the board of the FFF (federation de foot français) who decide who stays and goes. In fact, there was a putsch last year to try to get Desailly to coach the team, but it was only cause Domenech has friends in the right places he stays. the french voted on whether they wanted to keep him or not - and the result was an overwhelming "NO". But hey... bummerFrom kantong_wokster on Sun Sep 07 05:20PMHere's some jokes to cheer you up samuel...
Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.Q: Why don’t they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.Q: Why do the French call their fighter the *Mirage*?
A: Because it doesn’t really exist.Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. L'Armee Français (frech army)From kantong_wokster on Sun Sep 07 05:25PMMy rollercoaster has come off the rails and gone straight into the ferris wheel . Hahah. Only joking. No i hear what you say sam. So when do you go home sam. you must have mixed feelings about that. Do you suffer from jet lag. I've never been on a long haul flight.
Desailly would be a good appointment. He strikes me as somone who knows what he's doing. Although when he speaks in English he makes me laugh.
From samuelbanks on Sun Sep 07 05:31PMIt got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.” The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from.”
St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. “Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. “OK, picture this; I’m naked, hiding inside this refrigerator.....”
From kantong_wokster on Sun Sep 07 05:33PMyeah my rollercoaster has no one in control of it unfortunately - i make rash decisions all the time samuel - thats my little weakness. like what i have done with my job - im giving away an orsm salary and very good job cause i think i can get better - but its a big risk im taking too ;)
as for giong home - i have mixed feelings - ive been here so long, on one hand looking forward to seeing everyone, and on the other hand im scared of the "unknown" a bit - im moving to brisbane, which is 9 hours drive away from where i came from in australia, (ive never been there! haha)
leaving paris on the 28th of sept to arrive on the 30th - thats such a looooooong flight hey; and the jet lag always kills me!as for desailly - he would have made a far wiser choice, one of the 98 team and part of the heros of the youngsters that are on the team today (nasri, ribery) and even some from that era, (henry) - granted last night we were missing a few players from injury too... (when ribery is missing, the team just doesnt play very well)
as for his english - im so used to the french massacaring the english language now I havent noticed - thats all i hear every day - whenever you walk into a shop, even though i speak perfect french - they love to try out their "school yard english" on you - sometimes its really painful when you are in a hurry to get a baguette ;)From kantong_wokster on Sun Sep 07 05:38PMThat was good kantong. made me laugh quite a bit there. And the moral of the story is- don't climb inside a fridge, no don't have affairs
From samuelbanks on Sun Sep 07 05:43PMvoila ;)
I like this one too - makes me laugh - im going to try it on the plane... ;)
A blonde chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.
The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
From kantong_wokster on Sun Sep 07 05:43PMQ: Why are Mexicans so bad at the Olympics?
A: Because anyone who can run, swim or jump is already in the United StatesFrom kantong_wokster on Sun Sep 07 05:46PMHow long have you been in France. Will that be you left France for good then. You might have trouble readjusting into Aussie life if you've been in pari long. Atleast you know that wherever you go you'll always have access to a computer.
From samuelbanks on Sun Sep 07 05:51PMIve been in France for almost 9 years now; i went home for 6 months in 2006 to try to live in Australia, but i came back here cause i got bored... so you are prob right, might be hard to adjust! I know already im going to miss paris - i know it like the back of my hand
the plan is that i am supposed to go back there to be with my bf... he lives in brissy; It will be good to see him sure... but then im pretty independant and i have to find a good job or i know i will get bored which makes me cranky ;) so i hope i find something pretty quick that i enjoy - i have a few job interviews already lined up though
you're right about the computer - i cant live without my computer - i take it with me even when i go on holidays
and always book hotels with wireless 
how sad... but not really cause i keep in contact with all my family and friends on MSN and skype, dunno what i would do without itFrom kantong_wokster on Sun Sep 07 05:58PMThat is another good one sam. i can't think of any jokes at the minute.
From samuelbanks on Sun Sep 07 06:00PMah never mind for the jokes - i just love having a giggle every now and then - jokes cheer me up
just thought i would share to cheer you up tooFrom kantong_wokster on Sun Sep 07 06:05PM9 years. wow. i know my life has changed beyond recognition in 9 years. i mean you were only about 20 when you came to Europe so things must have changed for you quite a bit. Maybe you'll find that you have become more European than Aussie whilst you have been away an you'll start to miss it badly. Hope im not scaring you. But when i lived away from home i found it very difficult to readjust when i returned. I was only away for just under 2 years. Plus i was only living 60 miles down the road.
From samuelbanks on Sun Sep 07 06:10PMSam do you like tennis. i was wondering if you knew where i could get the Andy murray/ Nadal match online.
From samuelbanks on Sun Sep 07 06:17PMyeah its always hard to readjust to new things - i remember when i came over here 9 years ago i was completely freaked out - i was a country kid and came from a town of 500-600 people in australia, and didnt speak a word of french. But i got through it and now i get by quite fine. You kind of have to challenge yourself in life or you get stuck in a rutt i guess is my philosophy. Im going to give it a go, if that doesnt work - im going to put in for some jobs overseas (i still have papers to work in europe until 2012). I dont want to have kids, so there is nothing tying me down or anything - so why not? lifes short, may as well do something other than just metro, work, sleep metro, work, sleep and the occasional 2 week holiday. Its just not me....
but then i wont be going home to live with my family either; there isnt really anywhere for me to go there anyways, my family is a bit messed up and all over the place - my mum has remarried now and my dad's dead so i dont have to worry about going home and trying to fit in there... they'd drive me nuts anyways! im staying with my bf for a bit - but will prob find my own place pretty quick cause i like my space
im a bit worried about readjusting culturally too in Oz - i dont really know whats been going on over there for ages; last time was really bizarre, cause people would talk about "so and so from big brother" or some other tv show or whatever, and I had no idea what they were talking about.. hehe. aaaah will be like going to a new country i guessFrom kantong_wokster on Sun Sep 07 06:17PMyeah not sure samuel - had a quick scout about online but cant find any channels - normally on star sports on TVU but they are showing soccer right now
From kantong_wokster on Sun Sep 07 06:29PMThat must have been difficult at first. From a little community of 500/600 people to a monster city of over 9 million people. I come from a town of about 60,000 people, just outside Belfast. If i went to Paris, now, at the age of 24 i would be totally freaked out. Sadly i have no plans to go and live in Europe any day soon.
You mention kids. Do you know, im not sure whether i want kids for the right reasons. Im not sure whether anybody has kids for the right reasons. Most people want them because it is the done thing so to speak (conforming to the status quo), or because they want to have somone to look after them when they are older. Am i being unfair? Anyway i need to grow up before i consider having any mini me's.
From samuelbanks on Sun Sep 07 06:36PMif you have windows media player and dont mind watching it in chinese : you might be able to watch it here after this match later on tonight
mms://202.201.0.202/CCTV5
From kantong_wokster on Sun Sep 07 06:38PMyeah thats what i sat down and thought about and was my logic too - do i want to have kids cause i want kids, or is it cause its expected of me to
i came to the conclusion i dont need to have a mini-me ;)
From kantong_wokster on Sun Sep 07 06:40PMI am i Europe, i meant France of course.
From samuelbanks on Sun Sep 07 06:40PM
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