Et tu, Wisey ??
Fri Sep 05 09:03AM
King Kev is dead, again, but this time it's "for real like", and it's all the fault of that nasty, ankle-biting rodent Dennis Wise - who used his rat-like cunning to send the Messiah on his way. Clearly a career spent kicking people for Chelsea, followed by a move into management at much-loved Millwall, followed by a move to much-loved Leeds hadn't quite satisfied his thirst for public disdain.
In light of his involvement Early Doors expects Wise to be issued with the Geordie equivalent of a fatwa. Ant and Dec will present a one-hour special renouncing him, Jimmy Nail will record a comeback album featuring the track "my crocodile shoes in Dennis's face" and Sting has agreed to seduce Mrs Wise to exact revenge.
"He could start a fight in an empty house," said Sir Alex Ferguson of Wise, so the next few days are likely to be as tasty as 3am in a coastal Kebab house.
As for poor Old Kev, even ED's cynicism has been tested by his plight. A manager from a bygone age, who wants to buy players he's heard of and believes he can turn Joey Barton into something other than a malevolent chav, appears to have no place in the modern game.
You can't help think Keegan's only hope of salvation would be a role with his local Under-11s. At least there he'd have the freedom to run things his way - bring in the players he liked, preach the gospel of passion and not have to see Wise or Mike Ashley on a daily basis. Judging by the reaction from the Toon Army he might even get 50,000 at home games.
Planet Toon Army has been rocked before, but this past week has been particularly hard on "the best fans in the country" (copyright Sky Sports) and their beloved city. Ninety-five percent of local businesses have been left without staff all week, and the tens of thousands who left their jobs to camp outside St James' Park have all used up their year's holiday allowance - burning a gigantic hole in the Benidorm economy in the process.
"Mike Ashley is a fraud who has put this club back 20 years," said one disgruntled fan. "We've been trying to get away from the image of whippets and flat caps and he goes and downs a pint in the stands."
Ashley's PR barometer might be awry, but ED can't see him handing Wise the keys to the Byker Grove Castle in light of the fans' reaction, and rather fancies Sven Goran-Eriksson to arrive as the club's next saviour. After all, the Svengali is motivated purely by the filthy lucre and couldn't give a hoot about his acting freedoms providing his pockets are stuffed with the green stuff.
He'd look great in a flat cap, walking a whippet too.
- - -
On to the England camp, and the news that (Sir) David Beckham is set to be sensationally axed by Fabio Capello for the World Cup qualifier against mighty Andorra on Saturday, and replaced by Theo Walcott.
ED likes to see managers taking risks, but let's be honest - England should be able to beat Andorra with Theo Paphitis operating in a midfield berth, and won't get carried away if Fabio "goes bold" against a team ranked 186th in the world.
Gareth Barry is also in the news, sensationally admitting to the Mirror that his summer transfer saga "hit me hard". If he'd have spent the last four months covering it, writing a nauseating story a day following every single event he may have felt stronger.
Back to the football, ED would like to hear your predicted line-ups for England's goal buffet in Barcelona.
- - -
TALKING POINT
Early Doors doffs its hat to kantong_wokster (the real one, not the imbecilic impostor), who has donated 15 of her hard-earned euros to UNICEF in order to secure a mention on the page.
Sensibly, she cut out the middle man, giving her cash directly to charity and sending ED the receipt as proof of her good deed.
kantong's finest contribution to the message board yesterday: "CHEEK KISSING SUCKS - I HATE having to kiss French people's cheeks all the time!!! Especially after garlic, sausages, camembert and wine. I have personal space issues."
Early Doors is starting to feel like Bono, and would like its sense of self-worth inflated further.
So, if you'd like to earn the respect of your peers and get a mention on a minor football blog, give some money to charity and send the receipt to early.doors@yahoo.co.uk.
Can't agree with you claire and kantong. Rob is spot on, Bono IS an @rse! "Ooh i met the pope but just to show that meeting the pope doesn't faze me i gave him some shades because i'm cool and down with the kids. And even though i'm a multi-multi-millionaire i'm gonna pester you to give your hard-earned money away to whatever charity happens to be flavour of the month" God that man irritates me. Loved it when Bill Bailey showed them up with his U2-style Jingle Bells. Sorry for the rant btw. I do like YOUR glasses though, eltonjohn_wokster!
From kevmun82 on Fri Sep 05 10:22AMQ. is dave beckham only in the england team because of the money that the f.a. & sky make out of him ?
From nigelphysick on Fri Sep 05 10:22AMA. Yes
From kevmun82 on Fri Sep 05 10:26AMKantong & Claire - We have 3 anti-bono comments at the moment.
Majority rules, Bono Sucks!From kevin1985kane on Fri Sep 05 10:27AMthe rise and fall of kevin kane. people loved him at first, saying 'what a lovely chap'.then he made a unicef booboo and now everyone thinks he's a @#$%!!!!! love it
From early_doors on Fri Sep 05 10:27AMI dont think kevin keegan had as much skill as most players but made up for it in enthusiasm and a knack of gettinginto the right spot at the right time, i think his managemant skills are similar, a shame really as he's english and if wisey dont take the job a foreigner will yet again
From roxydgurl on Fri Sep 05 10:30AMHello sailor love the hat
From roxydgurll on Fri Sep 05 10:32AMI want to be your lover
From benhornlust on Fri Sep 05 10:33AMHey Claire! Good on ya mate! Sorry was flitting about doing some work... all the imposters are back so it seems today!
kevmun: Glasses are great arent they? I've been belting out a rendition of "Dont let the Sun write about me" here in the office
early_doors: Kev and I can agree to disagree ;) its not exactly a fall from grace
From kantong_wokster on Fri Sep 05 10:38AMBono is definitely a publicity seeking egomaniac. He's also a good signer. But remember, he could just sit back and make money if he wanted. Instead he's active in helping others (whether for his ego or not). The truth is that there is probably a lot of African people alive today thanks to him and his pestering for aid. I don't particularly like him but I respect what he's done.
From kgh_r on Fri Sep 05 10:39AMnigelphysick is my twin, cool!
From martsssss on Fri Sep 05 10:39AMkevin kane=no friends left on here!
thats what happens when you act like a big man trying to be funny, but then it majorly backfired didnt it!haha
sailor outfit + japan probably does = @#$% but so what? what if i am gay? are you a homophobe keven? stupid and ignorant? is your lack of buddies on here a reflection of the state of your real life?
From early_doors on Fri Sep 05 10:39AMArsenal don't need Abu Dhabi - they already have Abou Diaby.
From felixlowe on Fri Sep 05 10:40AMwell said kgh_r!!!!!!!
finally someone who gets the point
so what if he cant help the whole world - at least he is doing his bit which is more than we can say for others
kevin kane = my friend early_doors, but good try
From kantong_wokster on Fri Sep 05 10:47AMI don't think anyone takes someone wearing a sailor outfit and claiming to be early doors seriously. I think it would be quiet a low point in my life if I had to come on to a football blog looking for friends.
Sam - glasses are Cool but if I met the pope I wouldnt be giving him a pair
!From kevin1985kane on Fri Sep 05 10:50AMive had to report kevin kane for being homophobic. what gives you the rite to call be a @#$%? your a narrow minded little kid who thinks its funny that someone is gay. you cant even defend yourself. you constantly use @#$% as an insult. like it makes someone inferior. im afraid you are the inferior. i can only assume your a little boy on his school holidays that thinks saying 'all gays are gay' is witty. your an imbicile kevin. clearly very unintelligent and narrow minded. you strike me as a very unpleasant person to be around. and yes you can call me a hypocrite. but we are all human and i have a rite to point out why you are unintelligent.u fail
From early_doors on Fri Sep 05 10:52AMWise is and has always been a nasty slimey piece of dog @#$%....say no more!
From nigelwhite3 on Fri Sep 05 10:53AMErm ok your taking the mick out of geordies yet you spell a hole in something with a w... maybe it is you who is the thick charv
From aliion on Fri Sep 05 10:53AMnothing wrong with that - you are a "@#$% erectus" early_doors ;)
kevin: the pope and I go way back already, and he is a big fan of the glasses. Of course, I have to get a few pints in him before he will put them on and give us a cheesy grin, but he's usually up for it...
From kantong_wokster on Fri Sep 05 10:55AMkgh_r - You basically said what I thought I was saying but only in a nicer manner.....respect!
From kevin1985kane on Fri Sep 05 10:55AMdennis wise is ok, bit little but hes ok, i wouldnt mind him sitting on my knee at some point.
From jediknight20001 on Fri Sep 05 10:58AMjediknight: are you related to Gary Glitter in any way?
From kantong_wokster on Fri Sep 05 10:59AMi own an album? is that being related? if it is...then he's my dads nan,
From jediknight20001 on Fri Sep 05 11:01AM@#$% floresiensis hominid with a brain the size of an orange. hmmm, sound familiar.
From martsssss on Fri Sep 05 11:01AMjediknight: I was just curious, condisering you were saying you wanted to have that spoiled little child come sit on your knee at some point ;)
I still cant believe you have one of his albums....
! haha
From kantong_wokster on Fri Sep 05 11:03AMLike the glasses Sam, think they're a bit more Dame Edna than Queen Elton tho.
From rob_snaith on Fri Sep 05 11:04AMYou krack me up kantong
From roxydgurll on Fri Sep 05 11:05AMHAHAHA ROBMEISTER IS IN DA HOUSE!
You're the only one who got the look I was going for, possum!
From kantong_wokster on Fri Sep 05 11:06AMYou crack me up too roxydgurll
From kantong_wokster on Fri Sep 05 11:07AMabdulanusars =
uh-oh - another disgruntled Newcastle supporter...
From kantong_wokster on Fri Sep 05 11:09AM
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