Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Et tu, Wisey ??

Fri Sep 05 09:03AM

Cor blimey, I've dun 'im over good and proper Govner

King Kev is dead, again, but this time it's "for real like", and it's all the fault of that nasty, ankle-biting rodent Dennis Wise - who used his rat-like cunning to send the Messiah on his way.

Clearly a career spent kicking people for Chelsea, followed by a move into management at much-loved Millwall, followed by a move to much-loved Leeds hadn't quite satisfied his thirst for public disdain.

In light of his involvement Early Doors expects Wise to be issued with the Geordie equivalent of a fatwa. Ant and Dec will present a one-hour special renouncing him, Jimmy Nail will record a comeback album featuring the track "my crocodile shoes in Dennis's face" and Sting has agreed to seduce Mrs Wise to exact revenge.

"He could start a fight in an empty house," said Sir Alex Ferguson of Wise, so the next few days are likely to be as tasty as 3am in a coastal Kebab house.

As for poor Old Kev, even ED's cynicism has been tested by his plight. A manager from a bygone age, who wants to buy players he's heard of and believes he can turn Joey Barton into something other than a malevolent chav, appears to have no place in the modern game.

You can't help think Keegan's only hope of salvation would be a role with his local Under-11s. At least there he'd have the freedom to run things his way - bring in the players he liked, preach the gospel of passion and not have to see Wise or Mike Ashley on a daily basis. Judging by the reaction from the Toon Army he might even get 50,000 at home games.

Planet Toon Army has been rocked before, but this past week has been particularly hard on "the best fans in the country" (copyright Sky Sports) and their beloved city. Ninety-five percent of local businesses have been left without staff all week, and the tens of thousands who left their jobs to camp outside St James' Park have all used up their year's holiday allowance - burning a gigantic hole in the Benidorm economy in the process.

"Mike Ashley is a fraud who has put this club back 20 years," said one disgruntled fan. "We've been trying to get away from the image of whippets and flat caps and he goes and downs a pint in the stands."

Ashley's PR barometer might be awry, but ED can't see him handing Wise the keys to the Byker Grove Castle in light of the fans' reaction, and rather fancies Sven Goran-Eriksson to arrive as the club's next saviour. After all, the Svengali is motivated purely by the filthy lucre and couldn't give a hoot about his acting freedoms providing his pockets are stuffed with the green stuff.

He'd look great in a flat cap, walking a whippet too.

- - -

On to the England camp, and the news that (Sir) David Beckham is set to be sensationally axed by Fabio Capello for the World Cup qualifier against mighty Andorra on Saturday, and replaced by Theo Walcott.

ED likes to see managers taking risks, but let's be honest - England should be able to beat Andorra with Theo Paphitis operating in a midfield berth, and won't get carried away if Fabio "goes bold" against a team ranked 186^th in the world.

Gareth Barry is also in the news, sensationally admitting to the Mirror that his summer transfer saga "hit me hard". If he'd have spent the last four months covering it, writing a nauseating story a day following every single event he may have felt stronger.

Back to the football, ED would like to hear your predicted line-ups for England's goal buffet in Barcelona.

- - -

TALKING POINT

Early Doors doffs its hat to kantong_wokster (the real one, not the imbecilic impostor), who has donated 15 of her hard-earned euros to UNICEF in order to secure a mention on the page.

Sensibly, she cut out the middle man, giving her cash directly to charity and sending ED the receipt as proof of her good deed.

kantong's finest contribution to the message board yesterday: "CHEEK KISSING SUCKS - I HATE having to kiss French people's cheeks all the time!!! Especially after garlic, sausages, camembert and wine. I have personal space issues."

Early Doors is starting to feel like Bono, and would like its sense of self-worth inflated further.

So, if you'd like to earn the respect of your peers and get a mention on a minor football blog, give some money to charity and send the receipt to early.doors@yahoo.co.uk.

Comments181 - 210 of 595
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Not if jude has anything to do with it!
From mickr273 on Fri Sep 05 12:30PM
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Peace to you sir my jackfor mucker
From samuelbanks on Fri Sep 05 12:30PM
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Its good counting practice for jude. 1, 2, 3.
From samuelbanks on Fri Sep 05 12:31PM
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meaningful discussion- absolutely not! and yes, i know, i suck!
From martsssss on Fri Sep 05 12:31PM
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'cor blimey, ive dun im over good and proper govner'
10 quid for anybody who can tell me where that quote came from.
From samuelbanks on Fri Sep 05 12:34PM
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Well said Early_Doors there are some really sad people on here far more interested in abusing one another than discussing football. Anyone who has to come out with a tirade of abuse just because some1 comes out with a comment they disagree with has bigger issues than can be addressed on this blog..intelligence and worth is in the value people hold for us rather than what we acheive for ourselves. This Blog used to be worth looking forward to, now its just sad
From helenarmstrong76 on Fri Sep 05 12:35PM
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Don't you mean 'your inability to just "AGREE" with what I say proves you are stupid?' If you are going to insult someones intellegence, at least try and cover up your own thick demeanour.
I can just visualise a seal flapping it's flippers, barking humorously while playing keepy-ups with a blow up ball right now!
From kevin1985kane on Fri Sep 05 12:36PM
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How long's this behaviour going to continue jude.
Early doors -go something yourself.
From samuelbanks on Fri Sep 05 12:36PM
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trondheim rock!
From martsssss on Fri Sep 05 12:37PM
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jude!!!!
dundee utd dont suck
From marcgrant7 on Fri Sep 05 12:38PM
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still on a suck quest jude? luchtime and i'm cold, should have dressed for winter
From roxydgurl on Fri Sep 05 12:40PM
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THERE ONCE WAS A GUY CALLED EARLY DOORS
WHO WAS A POOF
From samuelbanks on Fri Sep 05 12:40PM
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An imposter called 'Early doors'
Would post from outside these shores
So red was his bu?m
From being spanked by his Mum
For failing to do all his chores
From james_ssmith on Fri Sep 05 12:42PM
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helen who do u blame for the current state of the blog the way u see it?the same early_doors with whom u agree could be classified as one of those contributing to that.peace
From jacknfor on Fri Sep 05 12:43PM
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3 report abuse submissions you say early_doors? - Well there would be me for one, I'd say Jude would be easliy convinced if he hasn't already done it and after comment No. 338 although as much it pains me we could take samuel on board, all in all 3 strikes and your out!
Although the chances of it working are relatively slim because everyone knows that early_doors is susceptible to talking out of his ar$e!!
From kevin1985kane on Fri Sep 05 12:43PM
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King Kev the top man only lost the prem league by 3 pts after leading by 14 pts what a record, Toon could do better..
From a.wallace620 on Fri Sep 05 12:44PM
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keegan sucks the most
From martsssss on Fri Sep 05 12:46PM
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jude i enjoyed that. r u finished.
From samuelbanks on Fri Sep 05 12:48PM
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it sucks there are no more sucks
From jediknight20001 on Fri Sep 05 12:48PM
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my mouse hand nearly froze, keep this going and 666 will be mine
From roxydgurl on Fri Sep 05 12:49PM
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dont do parma as it's the family's team so i'm told, aw hell do it i dont care
From roxydgurl on Fri Sep 05 12:50PM
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there was a young man called jude, who's suckfest lightened the mood, he did it with style and for quite a while, until he needed some food...... now that sucked
From martsssss on Fri Sep 05 12:52PM
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jude i think you do alot of w anking. so people in glass houses.......
you can't tell me you havent thought about roxy without putting your hand down your trousers atleast once.
From samuelbanks on Fri Sep 05 12:54PM
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I wonder if King Kev was worried that Denise Wide-boy was up to George graham-type transactions in the transfer market. Could explain a lot.
From james_ssmith on Fri Sep 05 12:54PM
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the biggest problem newcastle and west ham have with finding a new manager is who is getting denise van outen to audition them first
From roxydgurl on Fri Sep 05 12:57PM
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no kevin i do not mean 'your inability to just agree'. i meant exactly what i said. use your head boy. i dont expect you to agree at all. im saying you cannot just disagree can you? eg 'no i am not' or 'no i do not'. instead you exaggerate to the opposite effect, which is a trait of a lying man. shall i explain??
coment: kevin you are thick
smart reply: 'no i am not'... happy in the knowledge that you are mature and not taking the bait. thus making you look clever.
your reply:'ive got loads of degrees and money'
your not terribly smart for a uni lad are you?
From early_doors on Fri Sep 05 01:00PM
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thats called the suck meister jiggle sam B, but my hand is very cold right now and the scream would be deafening
From roxydgurl on Fri Sep 05 01:00PM
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they have a bit so far this season but good times are only just around the corner!
yeh scumdee suck much more than us!
From marcgrant7 on Fri Sep 05 01:09PM
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But if I disagree with you early_doors and if what you are saying is true, doesn't that mean that what I have been saying all along would be 100% accurate.....think of the detrimental effect that will have on you ego, apparently you are always right!
From kevin1985kane on Fri Sep 05 01:10PM
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wow - you have been on a sucking mission jude - theres plenty of sucking going on here
james: you do try to stir, don't you? remember, subtlty is the key! i dont wrestle mooses - I started off with Crocodiles, but have moved onto white pointer sharks now as they are a bit more challenging.
As for the kissing thing - indeed there are other places to kiss - I've learned my lesson now though kissing frenchies... so I dont give the French kisses down under ;)
hey rox: these are special "Possum Glasses" that enable me to see through imposters kind of like an x-ray
Early_doors: you seriously must be bored to come out with all this cràp... my god you are boring. Thing is - in all the time you have been posting your little gems of information on this blog, I still have NO idea which team you support... funny no?
From kantong_wokster on Fri Sep 05 01:11PM
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