Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Mission to Moscow

Wed Apr 30 08:57AM

He might have had problems with double vision in recent seasons, but whichever of the two balls Paul Scholes took a swing at last night, it was the right one.

After watching his side vanquish Barcelona and finally win a semi-final, a beaming Fergie confirmed that, having missed the 1999 final through suspension, Scholes's would be the first name on his teamsheet for Moscow.

Which could be bad news for both Edwin van der Sar and United as a whole, since ED reckons the first name on the teamsheet should always be the goalkeeper's.

In an age of petulance, tantrums and self-promotion, it is easy to have a soft spot for Scholes, a man so shy he refused to talk to the media last night.

OK, he tackles like an axe murderer (ED has seen them in prison teams - they're rubbish), but the Ginger Ninja is a model professional in every other respect.

While his contemporaries spend months and sometimes years thrashing out new contracts ("They're taking the p*** Jonathan!"), do you know what Scholes does?

He walks into a room, puts pen on whatever piece of paper is placed in front of him and has the whole thing done in a matter of minutes. If it means he gets paid £80,000 a week instead of £100,000, so be it.

If Early Doors ran Manchester United, and this sentence alone probably illustrates why it does not, it would ensure that Scholes was always the highest-paid player at the club.

- - -

In the aftermath, Frank Rijkaard saw fit to have a pop at United's playing style and that of English teams in general.

"It is very difficult to beat them because they are very strong. They are very organised and all get behind the ball. It is very tough to beat an English team," he said.

Ironic, since the Catenaccio employed at both the Camp Nou and Old Trafford was a direct result of constantly losing to tactically superior foreign teams.

After a decade of brave yet hapless 4-3 defeats against the likes of Real Madrid and AC Milan, Fergie finally twigged that the best form of defence might in fact be defence.

- - -

Leo Messi can console himself with the knowledge that he comprehensively outplayed Cristiano Ronaldo over the two legs.

The Argentinian's dribbling defied belief at times last night, and Early Doors has no doubt that he could indeed beat Michael Carrick in a phone box.

Messi certainly made a better impression than Thierry Henry, who, goaded by the United fans, went on a one-man mission to win the game.

Titi's header wasn't bad, but ED particularly enjoyed the moment when he gave the ball away and, ignoring the fact that it had fallen to the feet of a colleague, charged back and booted it out for a corner.

- - -

It was an odd night for ITV commentators Clive Tyldesley and David Pleat, who seemed a little overawed by the occasion.

Pleat has a strangely antiquated speaking style at the best of times, but his references to "Owen Hargraves" and the "British Premier League" were decidedly puzzling.

At least he avoided Tyldesley's verbal diarrhoea, which reached a low point when he started prattling on about the couple next door: "My neighbours are from Barcelona. Fantastic neighbours!"

Meanwhile, Steve Rider excitedly introduced the phone-in competition in which you can win tickets for the final but not, it would seem, a visa to get into Russia.

- - -

Sepp Blatter's endorsement of a possible Spanish bid for the 2018 World Cup showed all the timing of a Scholesy scythe.

FIFA's Grand Fromage told faceless delegates just hours before United beat Barcelona: "No other league can match the quality of the football played in Spain. It is the only five-star league."

Blatter's backing for Spain was particularly surprising given the country's persistent problems with racism in the game.

Now, ED loves the Spanish. It might have once jokingly described them as "a bunch of chorizo-eating Manuels", but the reality is it loves nothing more than to sit in some sun-drenched square, tucking into a plate of Jamon Iberico and washing it down with a nice Rioja.

But it cannot be denied that, while every country has its share of idiots in football, Spain's have a regrettable habit of abusing black players. It might be a small minority, but it is a vocal and prolific one.

As if to illustrate the point, the following news broke as Blatter was speaking:

'Albacete B's Belgian youth international Ritchie Kitoko has made a report to police over racist abuse received from a Daimiel player during a match in the Spanish third division.

"He was insulting me throughout the whole match, with racist swearwords, and telling me to go back to my country and so on. You hear a lot of things on football pitches but this is too much," Kitoko said.'

- - -

QUOTES OF THE DAY: "Drogba is a fantastic player but he falls down too easily," Rafa Benitez.

"I will not speak about the players of Liverpool and what they do. I don't like it when others speak about mine," Avram Grant.

FOREIGN VIEW: A transvestite could face charges of extorting money from Brazil and Milan striker Ronaldo and stealing his driving licence, according to police.

The authorities said Ronaldo, who is recovering from a serious knee injury, had been involved in an altercation with three transvestites late on Sunday in the Rio de Janeiro neighbourhood of Barra da Tijuca.

You can read more on the subject here and here. But obviously what you really want is a slideshow of the aforementioned transvestites, which is HERE!

Come on, what is the internet for if it isn't looking at pictures of large-handed men dressed as women?

DISS OF THE DAY: Early Doors came under fire for the allegedly ropey quality of yesterday's effort, with kevmun82 bandying about accusations that ED had been up all night playing Grand Theft Auto 4.

Listen, if Early Doors wanted to endanger the physical safety of innocent female bystanders, drive a sportscar at reckless speeds and get into altercations outside seedy nightspots, it would spend more time with Rio and Anton Ferdinand.

ED wishes it could say accusations of unprofessionalism (is that a word?) had some foundation. The reality is that, like the chumps it attempts to lampoon, it is prone to the odd bad day at the office (a metaphor that loses something when you actually work in an office). Let's just say ED had "a McEveley".

As for garagemusic, in his various guises, and his constant harping on about an author who is responsible for more Early Doors stinkers than anyone, here's a newsflash:

Alex Chick is dead. His demise has been covered up in an elaborate conspiracy and his job given to lesser mortals. But if you read Early Doors backwards it might offer some clues...

COMING UP: Mission to Moscow, part 38. Chelsea take on Liverpool for the right to take part in a massive all-English punch-up in Red Square. As always, we've got all the action live from 7.45pm.

ON TV: The World Championship snooker continues all day on British Eurosport (good news for Mike Hallett fans and John Virgo-haters), while kevmun82 might be interested in the Championship Gaming Series at 1pm on Eurosport 2. It's like Gamesmaster, minus Dominik Diamond.

• E-mail this story
• IM this story