Collecting splinters
Tue May 06 09:00AM
Losing that game to Croatia was the best thing that could have happened to English football.
Just look at the state of the players Steve McClown would have been taking to Euro 2008.
Wayne Rooney is injured (again), while his replacement Carlos Tevez is showing him up with vastly superior performances.
Fellow striker Michael Owen has at least been playing, but his recent form deserted him against Chelsea yesterday.
The self-proclaimed "still world-class" Owen missed four more-than-presentable chances at St James's and ED reckons he is approximately 17 minutes away from his next injury - probably a hamstring this time.
Frank Lampard has obviously had a tough time recently and yesterday had to sit on the bench while Michael Ballack kept Chelsea in the title race with another vital goal.
Alongside him was Joe Cole, curiously dissed by Avram Grant and left out in favour of the streaky Florent Malouda.
There was no sign at all of Shaun Wright-Phillips, nor has there been for some weeks. ED is starting to get worried, and thinks Chelsea should put out an announcement on their Tannoy system:
"Would the small child with the diamond-encrusted Rolex please make himself known to a member of staff."
Ashley Cole was also left out of the squad altogether and had a free Bank Holiday Monday, although tragically he didn't indulge in a traditional all-day drinking session at his local boozer.
He is still battling his way out of the dog house after recent alleged indiscretions, while wife Cheryl weighs up a host of alternative propositions.
Ashley knows a thing or two about stringing one suitor along while scanning the field for better offers, having dumped Arsenal and their p***-taking £55,000-a-week to join Chelsea.
He can only hope Cheryl is not also pictured secretly meeting Jose Mourinho in an exclusive London hotel, as there would be only one winner in that tug-of-love.
For the moment, Cheryl must make do with the affections of grammatically-impaired Black Eyed Peas star Will.i.am (middle name Ivanhoe, like Emile Heskey) and a load of women.
Having recorded some godawful song with Girls Aloud, .i.am said: "If Cheryl was single, hell yeah! She'd just have to holler. I saw her a few days ago. She's doing good - she was looking hot."
Last month, Cheryl was voted as the top lesbian icon in a poll, romping to victory with 43 percent of the vote when lesbians were asked to name their dream WAG.
- - -
After watching Arsenal win the women's FA Cup yesterday, Early Doors has concluded that football, like the Yorkie bar (but not Cheryl Cole), is not for girls.
What exactly is the appeal of ladies' football? The players are slower, weaker and less skilful and the league is even less competitive than the men's one.
And the goalkeeping makes those hapless blokes from the African Cup of Nations look like 16 Dino Zoffs.
Arsenal clinched their third Double in a row after scooping their fifth straight league title with a record of 20 wins and a draw from 21 games.
It is not like tennis, where the less powerful hitting makes the game better to watch, or beach volleyball, where the maximum bikini size requirements (no, really) keep things interesting.
Still, it is good to know FIFA have a masterplan to promote the game. Here's ED punch bag Sepp Blatter: "Let the women play in more feminine clothes like they do in volleyball. They could, for example, have tighter shorts. Female players are pretty, if you excuse me for saying so ..."
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "This league is in danger of becoming one of the most boring but great leagues in the world. The top four will be the same again next year. What I can say to the fans is that we will be trying to get fifth and win the other league that is going on in the Premier League. We are a million miles away though." Kevin Keegan on the "boring but great" spectacle of English football.
FAN OF THE DAY: David Witthoft, a Green Bay Packers American Football fan who wore his Brett Favre shirt every day for four years but has now removed it following Favre's retirement.
Newcastle frequently and preposterously claim to have the best fans in the world, but you don't see similar acts of devotion from the Geordie faithful.
Of course, the equivalent would not be wearing a replica shirt every day, which plenty of people round Early Doors's way do anyway, but rather turning up to work topless with just an Alan Shearer tattoo and a beer gut to preserve your modesty.
FOREIGN VIEW: It's a while since we had a transfer rumour from Corriere dello Sport. It is obviously Premier League midfielder week in Italy, with Juventus set to splash £14 million on Xabi Alonso following Milan's capture of Mathieu Flamini for nowt.
TALKING POINT: First of all, a joke from sav46e: "What's the first sign of madness? Suggs walking up your driveway."
Next, you can actually see the moment in this post when chrisnewman950's excitement fades and he realises Stoke are the new Derby: "I no longer care about lower league football now that the mighty, mighty Potters are strutting their stuff in the Premiership. You Big Four fans won't know what's hit you when we unleash big Mama Sidibe (imagine Drogba with no touch, no technique and no simulation ability) and Ricardo Fuller (pathologically unable to pass) on you. Watching us struggle to dispatch a very ordinary Leicester side I was struck by the chilling thought that there will soon be two divisions between us and that we are no where near good enough for that."
Finally: "I suspect ED is a staunch fan of the meat club (Spartak Moscow), secretly wishing their club was in Manchester United's position to play Chelsea in the Champions League final; fantasizing the meat players thrashing Chelsea by a record breaking margin including one scored by the meat goal keeper to beat Petr Cech on the other end. Dream on." Well, ED suspects pimpsy10101 had just got home from a Bank Holiday bender when he left that effort at 1am last night.
Today - Is anyone prepared to defend women's football?
COMING UP: Team of the Week was held back a day for the benefit of all the Bank Holiday slackers, so that is coming up shortly. There's also Bundesliga and Coupe de France live later on if you're interested.
With regards ED's headline, collecting splinters, Shevchenko should have his shorts full by now. What a joke its been to see him make about four consecutive sub appearances at around the 85th minute for Chelsea recently. This the man that once lit up Europe when playing for A.C Milan, what a waste. He does not fit in at Chelsea, so why keep him? Surely such a professional cannot be happy seeing his glorious career end in such a way? Shaun wright phillips has become anonymous recently, are they only at Chelsea to pick up their pay packets, or have any of them got any ambitions with regards to actually making appearances? Can't be doing Shauns England prospects any good either. ....
Oh well the outside is calling ,glorious sunny day, I am off to enjoy it.
From barny1158 on Tue May 06 11:02AMDespite all the tongue in cheek innuendo going on (to which I contributed so I am not blameless), I think it all shows interesting international cultural differences - in Brazil women love to be considered hot no matter what they are doing so they don't mind a bit of smut and innuendo, British people tend to introduce smut at the merest opportunity but there is the political correctness issue always there, and then you have America, where "soccer" is the biggest female participation sport in the country (AFAIK) and where it is all "can do" and role models - look at Mia Hamm who is a national figure. In Britian we couldn't name a single player, readily diss standards without ever having seen a women's game, and primarily comment on the players' looks and gender preferences. Funny old world. I'll get back in my box now.
From andywalker269 on Tue May 06 11:03AMpost 30,
Nice joke, but I dread to think....Really got to go now....From barny1158 on Tue May 06 11:05AMDantomprez: I went to school with one of the Blackburn ladies players...hope it wasnt her that tried to pull you...she was scary as hell! Mind you, I might just be jealous that she was better than me at footy and always got picked before me...
Anyone got any un-PC women's footy related jokes? Sav??
From northern_hamster on Tue May 06 11:08AMI have to agree, having watched a couple of ladies' matches on telly, the were quite poor. The worst for me though was playing for the college footy team in defence, a couple of the opposition teams tended to field a girl in their side. Don't get me wrong, both of these girls were actually quite good, but marking them was pants, firstly because I didn't want to end up kicking them, but more pertinently, I didn't want to cause offence by putting my hands where they, um, weren't meant to be. As a result I was even more rubbish than usual...;o)
Only got the Suggs joke on second reading, must have been a bit hot yesterday...
From garethcoletranslations on Tue May 06 11:08AMI'm not an Arsenal Fan, I'm English and live in Scotland (someone has to) but I admire AW's efforst at Arsenal. I like the style of their football, but you have to worry that they're getting a reputation for producing and developing young players, but not holding on to them and not winning things
From kingoswy66 on Tue May 06 11:14AMMichael Owen walks into a nightclub, straight up to a stunning woman and says 'Get your coat, sexy, your coming home with me!'
The girl says 'Your a little forward.'Not a woman 1 but I'll think
From sav46e on Tue May 06 11:16AMWomens football....its not a sport in my eyes. Imagine the centre back getting a bit emotional becaus it was her time of the month.
The only footballer in the mens game like it would be Ashley Cole, he had a few games off for "womens problems"
From th_lgnd on Tue May 06 11:20AMsav46e, if you are going to be crude, at least make it funny, eh?
From the jokefile:Why did the chicken cross the road? - football managers explain
Arsene Wenger
"From my position in the dug-out I did not see the incident clearly so I cannot really comment. However, I do think that he gets picked on by opposition players and fans who are clearly chickenophobic."Glenn Hoddle
"The chicken was hit by the lorry when crossing the road because in a previous life it had been a bad chicken."Kevin Keegan
"OK, so the chicken's dead, but I still feel, hey, he can go all the way to the other side of the road."From garethcoletranslations on Tue May 06 11:54AMneil avery-
you lucky boy-Swedish women footballers are the fittest on the planet. Suits you sir. OOH!
From samuelbanks on Tue May 06 11:55AMma jokes were better than that
From sav46e on Tue May 06 11:56AMthere is nothing wrong with a women playing football they dont get big wages but they try their best .they dont get mardy like blokes do they dont get paid millions and to get 24000 crowd we all carnt be wrong we want more womens football on tv all the fun now has gone from mens football since they started paying them millions . it it not football anymore its how much money you have got
From samdemlee on Tue May 06 11:58AMsamuelbanks, I think you can omit the word "footballers" from your post without being too wide of the mark... ;o)
From garethcoletranslations on Tue May 06 12:00PMMaybe you all missed the fact that the England Women's team are IN Euro 2009 and will probably top their group and that they reached the quarters of the World Cup recently! OR that they are not paid to play football and if they were and were able to train as much as the men, we might be fitter and stronger! Plus, Hope Powell has been in the SAME management position for ten years and has more success than most premierhip managers. As fo 'Munch' I played against her when she guested for Gainsborough Trinity Ladies not long back and yup, they're right, no prizes for guessing where her nickname came from! Anyway, women's football is a rapdily growing sport and needs support, not critiscism. Maybe if the guys took a leaf out of their books, there might not be so much cheating and diving. Did you see any of those, full time working mums rolling around the pitch in agony to get a free kick? Huh??
From saz_juk on Tue May 06 12:16PMDon't be soft - no offense taken!!! But yer jokes're a bit old - like most of the dust gathering pidgeon racks that leave messages on here. Hahaha!
What do you tell a girl with two black eyes? Nothing. You've already told the @#$% twice. see ya!
If yer gonna do it - do it well! hahaha!
From paulathompson15 on Tue May 06 12:19PMED, why no mention of Exeter City's heroics yesterday to turn around the 2-1 deficit to Torquay from the first (home) leg? 4 goals in the last 10 minutes is surely worth a mention in anybidy's book? Rock on Wembley...
From garethcoletranslations on Tue May 06 12:21PMThat is older than mines. Is a good 1 but. Old ones are the best. No bein soft, just dnt want cranky women on at me.
Come on Chelsea, hadnt said that today yet!
From sav46e on Tue May 06 12:34PMED
Please tell me what the hell this article was about?
http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/04052008/58/ch
ampionship-zidane-set-qpr-job.htmlClub captain Gareth Ainsworth has written in his programme notes: "Sunday promises to be a day every QPR fan, old and young, remembers for the rest of their lives."
I missed the game so you maybe someone can enlighten me?
First there were rumours of Figo playing for QPR now Zidane is taking over as coach. What next, Beckham to join as his assistant?
From double_t_uk2002 on Tue May 06 12:37PMLet women footballers play in short skirts and knickers. It would make the English Premiership look as popular as Tiddlywinks.
From samuelbanks on Tue May 06 12:41PMBeing from Nottingham i would like to defend womens football. I got on the train to go home yesterday and it was full of nice ladies!!
From bennods on Tue May 06 12:46PMThe best womens footballer plays for LA Galaxy.Shes the most famous footballer in da world.
From samuelbanks on Tue May 06 12:49PMSav, good effort with the jokes but I dont think your latest (post 44) will be highlighted by ED as their joke of the day... ;)
From northern_hamster on Tue May 06 12:49PMOops! Looks like Sav's joke from post 44 has been removed...
From northern_hamster on Tue May 06 12:52PMha ha. ow well. As long as sum1 liked them!
From sav46e on Tue May 06 12:54PMClearly ED has "hamstered" away both of the offending jokes, presumably for use down the pub later.
From garethcoletranslations on Tue May 06 12:54PMMaybe we should ask the girlies to play in killer stilletoe heels rather than football boots - nice to look at & probably improve their ball control too!
From nickrichco on Tue May 06 12:55PMLooks like this site is monitored after all.I thought you could just say anything.Anyway, whats the differene between Arsenal Ladies and the Yorkshire ripper? The Yorkshire ripper had a better defence.I've got better ones dan dat but the PC machine would go into overdrive. Infact it would explode.
From samuelbanks on Tue May 06 01:08PMfanofkdc I'm glad you prefer playing with men - can I be first on the list - you sound like my kind of girl ;)
From dartingdamo on Tue May 06 01:17PMAnyone else think Slaven Bilic sounds like a slang word? I pulled a cracker last night, she was pure dirt. She even had a Slaven Bilic.
From chrisnewman950 on Tue May 06 01:21PMchrisnewman
I loved your post yesterday-from great optimism to utter pessimism in the space of a sentence.Don't worry my friend, i think Stoke will do better than Derby.They'll get twice as many points.From samuelbanks on Tue May 06 01:33PM
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