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Mon May 12 08:52AM
Early Doors thoroughly enjoyed its Sunday afternoon. Due to skin so prone to burning the slightest exposure to sunlight could provoke spontaneous human combustion, it stayed indoors, engrossed in 'The Jewel of the Nile' on ITV.
ED loved the on-screen chemistry between Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner, and laughed out loud at the comic interjections of Danny De Vito.
All the while there was a nagging feeling that ED was missing something... or maybe it was just the sense of yearning with which director Lewis Teague infused the film.
At 10 to five, as the final strains of Billy Ocean's 'When the Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going' faded from the battered old black-and-white set, it flicked through the sports channels hoping to catch up with the Champions League handball.
Instead of burly Schleswig-Holsteiners hurling a Shoot 5 at each other, Early Doors was instead confronted by hordes of weeping topless men.
Troublingly, Early Doors was slightly turned on by all those pierced nipples, smudged tattoos and rippling pink bellies, and watched on - only to discover it had only gone and missed the last day of the MOST EXCITING SEASON EVER!!!
It felt almost as stupid as Gerard Pique, who stepped up to receive his Premier League winner's medal before realising he was one appearance short of qualifying and skulked off, medal-less, to assume the David May "who's that bloke?" pose in all the photos.
- - -
Chelsea keeper Petr Cech looked like he had got lost on the way to a motorway maintenance-themed fancy dress party, given his striking resemblance to a traffic cone.
His retina-scorching fluorescent orange get-up, topped as always by that ridiculous scrum cap, meant you could hardly miss him.
John Terry certainly didn't (appropriately enough for a man with a speeding fine to his name), dislocating his elbow on the giant Czech's knee and getting stretchered off in agony.
Say what you like about Terry and his Tourette's-fuelled rants, but he does possess remarkable powers of recovery.
Like the Bionic Man or that silvery thing from Terminator, it seems he can absorb any kick to the face, distended arm or broken bone and continue unaffected after the briefest dab of a magic sponge.
To quote 1980s hard man par excellence Ray Wilkins, he is a "proper bloke".
- - -
Showers in the north-west ensured Alex Ferguson looked far from his best as Manchester United wrapped up the title.
There was no sign of the usual smart club blazer as Fergie and the whole United coaching staff donned bright white nuclear fallout suits.
It seemed like an over-reaction to a bit of drizzle, but clearly Wigan has more of an acid rain problem than Early Doors gave it credit for.
And on a day of sartorial mayhem, Early Doors couldn't help but notice Steve Bruce forgot his kit altogether.
If ED had done such a thing in its schooldays, it would have been forced to continue wearing only its threadbare y-fronts.
Mercifully for everybody, the Wigan boss came out in a t-shirt bearing the initials 'AC'. Early Doors has just ferreted around the Wigan website, and believes Brucey raided the kit bag of physio Alex Cribley.
- - -
Manchester City went into yesterday's game at Middlesbrough knowing a place in Europe was theirs for the taking, irrespective of the result, thanks to their position in the Fair Play league.
They could even lose 8-1 and everything would be OK. So, job done then? Er, no.
When you are chasing a place at the top of the Fair Play league, you can show all the defensive resilience of wartime Italy but you can't get your captain sent off for a professional foul, which is what happened to Richard Dunne on 14 minutes.
A smidgen of crowd trouble at full-time cannot have impressed the suit at UEFA in charge of doling out gold stars either.
City face an anxious wait to see if Fulham have pipped them to that relegation-ensuring berth in Europe's penultimate club competition.
Given Thaksin Shinawatra's volatile nature, the moments after an 8-1 defeat hardly seemed like the right time for Sven-Goran Eriksson to be issuing ultimatums.
Yet the Swede, apparently anxious to collect his P45 and a large sack of used twenties, demanded showdown talks "within hours" of yesterday's debacle.
Should Thaksin oblige, Eriksson's reign will fizzle out in familiar fashion; a promising start fading into crushing mediocrity.
The fact that his final game was against Gareth Southgate, the man who described him as 'Iain Duncan Smith' after the 2002 World Cup, proved the final indignity.
An unsuccessful pursuit of Big Phil Scolari and subsequent reluctant appointment of Steve McClaren will follow in short order.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY 1: "As far as I am concerned, this has been a near-death experience," Birmingham City chairman David Gold. As far as anyone else is concerned, it is getting sworn at by some disgruntled Brummies.
QUOTE OF THE DAY 2: "The fans who say we're not fit to wear the shirt are right," Paul Jewell delivers the final verdict on record-breaking Derby. "We've everything in place at this club except the team." Tell me I'm sweating...
QUOTE OF THE DAY 3: "If Everton can finish fifth, why can't we? We have a bigger stadium and more fans, but they all play for each other and that's the spirit we don't have." Kevin Keegan gives plucky minnows Everton the 'my dad's better than your dad' treatment.
QUOTE OF THE DAY 4: "We have finished 15th in the table and I have to say we are probably the 15th best team. Manchester United have been the best and the three worst teams have gone down." Roy Keane, you old romantic.
ACRONYM OF THE DAY: Early Doors was shocked and appalled to learn that 'ED' is also used as a convenient abbreviation for Erectile Dysfunction. Which could mean an end to those Pele gags.
GESTURE OF THE DAY: Earlier this season it emerged that Didier Drogba has made a habit of sneaking into the Chelsea shop and buying shirts with his name on, hoping to make him the 'most popular' player at the club.
Well, Drogba was well and truly trounced by Olof Mellberg, who bought replica shirts for all 3,000 of Aston Villa's travelling fans at West Ham. That's £150,000 worth of official merchandise. Early Doors can't decide whether it is a wonderfully generous or staggeringly egotistical act.
FOREIGN VIEW: Marco Materazzi has apologised for taking and missing a penalty in Internazionale's 2-2 draw against Siena yesterday. The panto villain wrestled the ball off Julio Cruz before shooting tamely at Alex Manninger. "I'm sorry, I should have let Julio take it," Materazzi said, although coach Roberto Mancini countered: "Maybe Cruz would have missed too." Inter's Serie A lead is down to a point with one game remaining.
COMING UP: Our final Team of the Week is in the pipeline, and the much-anticipated Team of the Season. Plus there is a bumper edition of Winners and Losers. And get your dinner jacket and revolving bow tie ready - tomorrow Early Doors is a special end-of-season awards spectacular!
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IM this storyTo al_pachino666, u want to know the last time Liverpool n Spurs won back 2 back titles? Well I'll tell u... Liverpool - League Winners: 1981,1982,1983,1984. European Cup: 1977,1978 AND Spurs... FA Cup: 1961,1962
Football League North and South: 1943-44, 1944-45. I TOTALLY understand if u weren't born during these times. Got to go, my teacher is coming...lol
From tibury1172001 on Mon May 12 12:09PMLittle bit soggy on the irony, ED, in that opening section and churlish not to mention Samuelbanks after his heroic entry jag over the weekend. Congratulations to Utd a deserving winner. Hope Arsenal can hang on to Hleb and find someone like Owen Hargreaves to replace Flamini. Cech looks as though he is proposing to a traffic warden (off-screen to the left).
From james_ssmith on Mon May 12 12:13PM*His left, our right
From james_ssmith on Mon May 12 12:13PMTo tibury1172001
Ah yes ofcourse
Thank you for telling me. You are absolutly right, I wasn't born that time yet. So basically that was in another life and the next trophy for them would be in another 100 years time.
From al_pachino666 on Mon May 12 12:14PMEXACTLY...U know what, you are actually smarter than you sound. Us Mancs are gonna paint Moscow RRRREEEEEEEEEEEEDDDD.
From tibury1172001 on Mon May 12 12:16PMI don't usually criticise the ED crew but Samuelbanks, you got it dead right today. From title contenders on Friday to also rans today. Oh no, that was Chelsea!
From michelangeloindeed on Mon May 12 12:19PMal_pachino, another person who seems to think football history started circa 1993.......?
Well done Man U. Still will hate you until my dying day however. Unlucky B'ham and Reading - I know what it is like (twice) to reach the last day of the season with relegation hanging over you. Thankfully we did not go down, and Davie Moyes is taking us to bigger and better things. 5th place and European football on a squad that small is magnificent. Apparently using a rating of number of points divided by size of wage bill, Everton would to champions. Shame that is not how it works lol.
And as for Tango Man Petr Cech, I read something online recently that new research has shown that goalies who wear orange appear bigger to opposition players. Sounds like Michael Ballacks to me.
From andywalker269 on Mon May 12 12:23PMIt was said that Cech's new suit is a psychological ploy to get people to shoot the ball straight at him. Well it worked on Sunday - shame no-one told him to close his legs!
From michelangeloindeed on Mon May 12 12:26PMIt seemed as though despite unable to beat reading at home and only s@#$%e past Derby 1-0 Middlesbrough still have enough in their tank to secure the the title of 'biggest win of the season', 'highest scoring game of the season', and biggest win since (insert year here after the relevant research is done - I would appreciate it if ED got their white boney fingers to the computer and did some fact-finding)'. This is what Gareth Southgate had to say after the match.
"Well I think we defended well for most of the match, the first goal for us was important but I was disappointed to se us concede the goal. I told the lads that they had to prove something after the result against Cardiff and..."
"Gareth..."
"Yes, old John Motson old chap?"
"You won 8-1"
"Oh. Guess the goal they scored didn't really matter then. Unlike when we played Arsenal, Aston Villa..."
This is what Sven Goren Eriksson had to say
"Well I think the team were not there today. I told them to go and play and show them how much they wanted me to manage their team and tactics and club next season, and they showed me, but they didn't show, because they weren't there. Now I need to talk to Foreskin Sinatra and see if he'll release me for that job I've been courting in Portugal...'
From fistfullofvisas on Mon May 12 12:39PMwell said 46e - on the button.How predictable Man United get cheating referee Steve''are you Mike Reilly in disguise'' Bennett- who ''missed'' clear peno for Wigan while awarding dodgy peno to united, did 'nt have the guts to send scholes off for 2nd yellow, book rooney for dissent,blew game up, when fergie checked his watch etc -the list goes on.He even took yellow card out to book Rooney and then changed his mind.Wigan surprisingly played brillant and deserved more from the game and maybe if they had a bit more luck and the benefit of an ''accomodating referee'' could have got 3 points.Well done Steve Bennett - that money will be in your bank account after the next Manchester United payroll goes out.
From osullo on Mon May 12 12:41PMAny truth in the rumour Petr Cech asked for a dayglow orange kit to make him more visible to opponents (and team mates) to avoid any further collisions with players? Maybe John Terry got injured because he turned his back on Cech after being dazzled?
I think I can see why Bolton scored their goal. Clearly in the picture Cech is trying save a ball at chest height which went through his legs. Sorry Cech, you're a great keeper but please wear that kit in the Champs league final.
From grahamnpotter on Mon May 12 12:51PMMOTD - I managed to not hear any scores all day, and I was really happy with how they presented the matches. I desperately wanted Reading to stay up, but never mind. I was also so relieved that the title wasn't decided by any bad refereeing decisions on the last day. How Chelsea must regret that draw against Wigan a few weeks ago. Can't get very excited about the prospect of the FA Cup final yet - anybody else?
From garethcoletranslations on Mon May 12 12:51PMChelsea have conceded late equalisers in seveeral games this season (Everton, Spurs, Villa, Wigan all sprong to mid without any thinking about it). If Wigan hadn't equalised, Chelsea would have gone into the Man U game in a different position and perhaps Fergie would have picked a different team against us. The whole season is full of ifs and buts and maybes. I do have the feeling though that we should have done better in all those drawn games, whereas when Utd dropped points, it was just a case of them being beaten on the day. Does that make sense? I didn't feel the Chelsea team really believed that Utd would drop points on Sunday and played as if they had Moscow on their minds.
From michelangeloindeed on Mon May 12 01:00PM@Chelsea payers and fans: I don't get it. What happened to being gracious?? All of a sudden it's only the CL cup that matters cos u've won (just) 2 Prem cups? All of a sudden Terry starts moaning about the CL being the real one? The BIG one? Is this defensive mechanism or what?? Even Liverpool fans don't disrespect the Premier League this pathetically.
From tosinsbox on Mon May 12 01:09PM@ michaelangelo: U do remember most people saying Wigan would just roll over (Chelsea players, coach as well). No one actually believed Chelsea would once again draw at home. I'd rather be a Liverpool fan right now (God Forbid) than be a Blue - they probably won't stop counting the but's and if's till August.
From tosinsbox on Mon May 12 01:13PMSamuelbanks - a bit of advice for next season - how about you just give up reading ED? Maybe stay away from any light-hearted satirical sites altogether? Or, if you do want to read them, maybe you should reconsider leaving comments criticising the writing? The "flowery" talk of which you talk is to add to the humour - it's why ED talks about 'The Jewel of the Nile' in today's article. If you want straight forward comment on the previous day's football - stick to the regular news websites!
People really shouldn't criticise someone else's writing by leaving comments littered with spelling mistakes and grammatical error. For example it's not "if your not going to accknowledge answers" Samuelbanks, it's "if you're not going to acknowledge answers"...
And, while I'm at it, the fact that you're so concerned about all the recent comments, and ED not mentioning them, suggests that you're only on here to be noticed. Isn't there internet chatrooms for that sort of thing??
Congrats to Man U though, they deserved to win the league again.
From northern_hamster on Mon May 12 01:19PMSounds like you're getting desperate in your need to attack Chelsea, Tosin me old China. Most of the posts I have seen from Chelsea fans have been quite gracious. I sent texts to Man U supporting mates likewise. What do you expect trerry to say? He has won all three domestic trophies in the last few years - of course he wants a crack at the CL. Its's the captain's job to be positive. That's a bit of a no-brainer really. As for you last comment - being a true fan is not about "rather" supporting one club or another. You get the one you get and you can't imagine supporting any other. "Rather" doesn't come into it. And I say it again less anyone isn't sure - Congratulations United and I look forwards to rejoining battle in Moscow.
From michelangeloindeed on Mon May 12 01:22PMSurely northern-guinea pig, you mean "aren't there internet chat rooms for that sort of thing?". I don't normally correct spelling and grammar but you had a pop at Sammy. No-one's perfect (except Barney of course). Live and let live, eh, my friend.
From michelangeloindeed on Mon May 12 01:25PMI thought ED was a horse, but now I'm told he's a flaccid penis. Oh dear. Jewel of The Nile is a delightful film. Where are the early scenes set? South of France somewhere, I suppose. Forget watching the Reds. Look at Kathleen Turner in that red dress - succulent! Setting of for Mockba shortly to watch USA v Russia. Nuclear confrontation or a damp squib?
From duck.preston on Mon May 12 01:26PMDesperate to attack Chelsea?
Yeah true. Ever considered the fact that we don't move in the same circles, hence we don't hear the same comments? Possible ur friends have been gracious so far (good to know U sent texts), but I'm sure u agree that your "most of the posts I've seen" is just a tiny fragment of pot. Anyway it makes no difference to me. I was expressing my view and I stand by my words.
P.S. Good point about Terry being positive. I assume all the fans are doing the same. I guess it's not just something I'm used to when supporting my team.From tosinsbox on Mon May 12 01:29PMEven here in Poland one never hears anyone comparing a writer (sports or otherwise) to a flacced penis. That was deep.
From tosinsbox on Mon May 12 01:36PMP.S. and that was supposed to be flaccid
From tosinsbox on Mon May 12 01:44PMAcronym Of The Day, Polskii droog!
From duck.preston on Mon May 12 01:46PMPolish version of Drogba?
From tosinsbox on Mon May 12 01:47PMApology accepted Toxinbox
From michelangeloindeed on Mon May 12 02:03PMWe still made it a good run for the title. Up to the last game
So far it's been most fascinating season of football I've seen, since I started to cheer for Chelsea in 1998. Well done United!!! Well done Premier League!!! It has been very inriguing.Congratulations to all ManU fans. Spare the sarkazm and just enjoy it From al_pachino666 on Mon May 12 02:19PMTo add to al-pacinko's words - the standard of refereeing has been higher than ever, diving has almost disappeared, players have stopped berating referees, crowds have stopped all racist and sexist and homophobic singing, coaches have stopped making snide remarks to each other in the press, Wenger has seen something, Alex has stopped chewing gum, Rafa took my order in a little Spanish place down the road, Avram got his badges, and Taksin didn't order any more mass executions of the poor and downtrodden in Thailand.
From michelangeloindeed on Mon May 12 02:31PMin simplest term... there is nothing worth to look forward to for the next 12 or so saturdays and sundays.
From williemg on Mon May 12 03:28PMYesterday was like one of the worst days of my footballing life, my belovered Man City got annihilated 8-1 and Man Utd win the Premierleague, tears filled my eyes.
I know everyone is banging on how bad Frank is treating Eriksson but where was the professionalism yesterday ? they may have their differences but to play like we did was diabolical,i could have understood if it was at Chelsea that's more acceptable but Boro, come on, it was most probably the worst display i can ever remember from a City team, very embarrassing, they all deserve a good kick up the ass and ordered back to the training ground instead of swanning off on holiday.
It says to me no matter who is in charge at City we still have a very very long way to go and that's just for the top 6.
From rigby515 on Mon May 12 03:38PMNorthern hamster (what sad person would call themselves a hamster..hahaha)
You dissapoint me-you really do. Everything you said was utter @#$%.You don't get it you @#$%. I know that ED needs to make their articles interesting, but theres such a thing as overkill.Do you really expect me to let you get away with that little rant. Where have you been anyway?.I never criticise ED for their writing-that was the first time. And spelling mistakes and grammatical error? I've got a broken wrist so i don't think im doing too bad. You're the sort of person who probably reads over his comments 20 times to make sure you haven't made any spelling mistakes. By the way its not 'congrats' northern @#$%-its congratulations. When my hand does get better im going to find out where you live and beat the living @#$% out of you. Piece of advise for you-don't say stupid things like -'you're only on here to get noticed'.In my experience it always takes one to know one.your an absolute @#$%.Everytime you are on this site from now on im going to be scanning your comments for errors.You better be on the boil or i'll be on hand to make you look very silly.You my son have got me very @#$% indeed.You shouldn't direct your comments at other users. All you do is start wars-and my God you have just started one hell of a fight.
From samuelbanks on Mon May 12 05:44PM
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