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Mon May 12 08:52AM
Early Doors thoroughly enjoyed its Sunday afternoon. Due to skin so prone to burning the slightest exposure to sunlight could provoke spontaneous human combustion, it stayed indoors, engrossed in 'The Jewel of the Nile' on ITV.
ED loved the on-screen chemistry between Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner, and laughed out loud at the comic interjections of Danny De Vito.
All the while there was a nagging feeling that ED was missing something... or maybe it was just the sense of yearning with which director Lewis Teague infused the film.
At 10 to five, as the final strains of Billy Ocean's 'When the Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going' faded from the battered old black-and-white set, it flicked through the sports channels hoping to catch up with the Champions League handball.
Instead of burly Schleswig-Holsteiners hurling a Shoot 5 at each other, Early Doors was instead confronted by hordes of weeping topless men.
Troublingly, Early Doors was slightly turned on by all those pierced nipples, smudged tattoos and rippling pink bellies, and watched on - only to discover it had only gone and missed the last day of the MOST EXCITING SEASON EVER!!!
It felt almost as stupid as Gerard Pique, who stepped up to receive his Premier League winner's medal before realising he was one appearance short of qualifying and skulked off, medal-less, to assume the David May "who's that bloke?" pose in all the photos.
- - -
Chelsea keeper Petr Cech looked like he had got lost on the way to a motorway maintenance-themed fancy dress party, given his striking resemblance to a traffic cone.
His retina-scorching fluorescent orange get-up, topped as always by that ridiculous scrum cap, meant you could hardly miss him.
John Terry certainly didn't (appropriately enough for a man with a speeding fine to his name), dislocating his elbow on the giant Czech's knee and getting stretchered off in agony.
Say what you like about Terry and his Tourette's-fuelled rants, but he does possess remarkable powers of recovery.
Like the Bionic Man or that silvery thing from Terminator, it seems he can absorb any kick to the face, distended arm or broken bone and continue unaffected after the briefest dab of a magic sponge.
To quote 1980s hard man par excellence Ray Wilkins, he is a "proper bloke".
- - -
Showers in the north-west ensured Alex Ferguson looked far from his best as Manchester United wrapped up the title.
There was no sign of the usual smart club blazer as Fergie and the whole United coaching staff donned bright white nuclear fallout suits.
It seemed like an over-reaction to a bit of drizzle, but clearly Wigan has more of an acid rain problem than Early Doors gave it credit for.
And on a day of sartorial mayhem, Early Doors couldn't help but notice Steve Bruce forgot his kit altogether.
If ED had done such a thing in its schooldays, it would have been forced to continue wearing only its threadbare y-fronts.
Mercifully for everybody, the Wigan boss came out in a t-shirt bearing the initials 'AC'. Early Doors has just ferreted around the Wigan website, and believes Brucey raided the kit bag of physio Alex Cribley.
- - -
Manchester City went into yesterday's game at Middlesbrough knowing a place in Europe was theirs for the taking, irrespective of the result, thanks to their position in the Fair Play league.
They could even lose 8-1 and everything would be OK. So, job done then? Er, no.
When you are chasing a place at the top of the Fair Play league, you can show all the defensive resilience of wartime Italy but you can't get your captain sent off for a professional foul, which is what happened to Richard Dunne on 14 minutes.
A smidgen of crowd trouble at full-time cannot have impressed the suit at UEFA in charge of doling out gold stars either.
City face an anxious wait to see if Fulham have pipped them to that relegation-ensuring berth in Europe's penultimate club competition.
Given Thaksin Shinawatra's volatile nature, the moments after an 8-1 defeat hardly seemed like the right time for Sven-Goran Eriksson to be issuing ultimatums.
Yet the Swede, apparently anxious to collect his P45 and a large sack of used twenties, demanded showdown talks "within hours" of yesterday's debacle.
Should Thaksin oblige, Eriksson's reign will fizzle out in familiar fashion; a promising start fading into crushing mediocrity.
The fact that his final game was against Gareth Southgate, the man who described him as 'Iain Duncan Smith' after the 2002 World Cup, proved the final indignity.
An unsuccessful pursuit of Big Phil Scolari and subsequent reluctant appointment of Steve McClaren will follow in short order.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY 1: "As far as I am concerned, this has been a near-death experience," Birmingham City chairman David Gold. As far as anyone else is concerned, it is getting sworn at by some disgruntled Brummies.
QUOTE OF THE DAY 2: "The fans who say we're not fit to wear the shirt are right," Paul Jewell delivers the final verdict on record-breaking Derby. "We've everything in place at this club except the team." Tell me I'm sweating...
QUOTE OF THE DAY 3: "If Everton can finish fifth, why can't we? We have a bigger stadium and more fans, but they all play for each other and that's the spirit we don't have." Kevin Keegan gives plucky minnows Everton the 'my dad's better than your dad' treatment.
QUOTE OF THE DAY 4: "We have finished 15th in the table and I have to say we are probably the 15th best team. Manchester United have been the best and the three worst teams have gone down." Roy Keane, you old romantic.
ACRONYM OF THE DAY: Early Doors was shocked and appalled to learn that 'ED' is also used as a convenient abbreviation for Erectile Dysfunction. Which could mean an end to those Pele gags.
GESTURE OF THE DAY: Earlier this season it emerged that Didier Drogba has made a habit of sneaking into the Chelsea shop and buying shirts with his name on, hoping to make him the 'most popular' player at the club.
Well, Drogba was well and truly trounced by Olof Mellberg, who bought replica shirts for all 3,000 of Aston Villa's travelling fans at West Ham. That's £150,000 worth of official merchandise. Early Doors can't decide whether it is a wonderfully generous or staggeringly egotistical act.
FOREIGN VIEW: Marco Materazzi has apologised for taking and missing a penalty in Internazionale's 2-2 draw against Siena yesterday. The panto villain wrestled the ball off Julio Cruz before shooting tamely at Alex Manninger. "I'm sorry, I should have let Julio take it," Materazzi said, although coach Roberto Mancini countered: "Maybe Cruz would have missed too." Inter's Serie A lead is down to a point with one game remaining.
COMING UP: Our final Team of the Week is in the pipeline, and the much-anticipated Team of the Season. Plus there is a bumper edition of Winners and Losers. And get your dinner jacket and revolving bow tie ready - tomorrow Early Doors is a special end-of-season awards spectacular!
Cool it, Samuelbanks. There have been worse provocations. Just think of what hamsetsr normally do all day - round and round on that little wheel of theirs. ED's intro was a trifle laboured. It didn't make lol.
From james_ssmith on Mon May 12 05:55PMGrats ManU.
From aardhaart on Mon May 12 06:00PMMichelangelo
Cheers mate-did you read what that hamster runt had to say about me. What sort of @#$% chastises other users for spelling mistakes? He thinks we're having a litery competition. What do you think of his name michel? northern hamster.Everybody else has normal usernames. Why did he have to be so pathetic calling himself a hamster? Its probably because he's a skinny litte runt who smells of @#$%. Im normally quite a nice bloke-but that little rodent has really got be pissed.I think we should warn people now-the next person to criticise other users for spelling errors gets a cyber beating.(a vicious one) I was critiscising ED for their poor attempt at wit.Its a whole different ball game when you start pointing out spelling mistakes made by fellow users.All he did was make himself look lik a bit of a @#$%. As far as being on here for attention is concerned-of course i am-everybody is.
Cya michel
From samuelbanks on Mon May 12 06:08PMNow Michelangelo, you had a little pop at me earlier? I will let it go under the circumstances..lol...And just what did happen to City yesterday, I know they only had ten men , but most teams shut up shop under those circumstances, what on earth was going through those players minds if indeed they were against Sven leaving?. What a send off!. City made progress under Sven, but if Thaksin thinks he will get a yes man in Philipe Scolari he best think again. He's a fiery chap who will not have anyone tell him how to do his job. Cannot see him even entertaining the post to be honest, (no offence city fans,) but with the owner being Thaksin, who wants to work under such a man? Don't think Scolari likes the weather over here either!...Season's over so now we have months of endless speculation about every team and who they are buying, just wished the media would come up with a little more truth instead of all the over-hyped garbage about all and sundry. Don't think they get many right, and most of its to fill the sports pages as we know, but some close season suggestions insult the publics intelligence .....
From barny1158 on Mon May 12 06:09PMWoah...Whats been going on whilst I was writing my post? Samuelbanks, I see you are peed off my friend, deep breaths and chill! Not patronising you lad , but getting irate is indeed easy on this site, so you have to take a different slant on what people write, and learnt to ignore the ones that wind you up. Don't want you getting upset lad, not worth it, just gratifies someone else does it not?
From barny1158 on Mon May 12 06:21PMFair shout Michelangeloindeed - I knew I'd make at least one mistake (did you spot that I'd written "straightforward" as two words too...?). Schoolboy error! Stitched myself right up there, didnt I? Didnt mean to have a pop at anyone - was just mildly frustrated that people always seem to be posting comments saying how badly written ED was. Wanted to defend it a little, as I read it most days and think it's very amusing. Apologies for any offence caused!
Sammy, apologies specifically to you - didnt mean to cause such offence - see above. Pointing out that I abbreviated "Congratulations" to "Congrats" though? Hmm, thought congrats was quite a widely used term. And you quote me out of context, I said "SUGGESTS that you're only on here to get noticed" not that you are...
My favorite part of your response though was "In my experience it always takes one to know one.your an absolute t**t" - comedy genius!
Please, feel free to pick out any errors in any of my posts - I really dont care in the slightest!
From northern_hamster on Mon May 12 06:24PMjamessmith
How you doing mate.Im not in a great mood today.Plus i don't take well to being savaged like that.Its very difficult spotting spelling errors on this site.Unless you read over the comments about 3 or 4 times-but thats a bit sad.I don't know why i had ago at ED anyway.Their writing is excellent-its just over ladened with metaphors and similes at times.Unless the sentence is funy,there is absolutely no point to it.Anyway, has the rodent never heard of Simon and paula?-they are the regular ED dissers.From samuelbanks on Mon May 12 06:24PMWow! After a dull start we're getting going. Samuelbanks verses northernrat. As Harry Hill says - FIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHTTTTTT!!!!!!
And my dear Barney - it was just a little joke - I gave Taksin a much bigger wallop and I am expecting my next visa request to Thailand to be denied as a result.
Have a great evening fellow posters.
From michelangeloindeed on Mon May 12 06:31PMSorry again for any offence people!
I'm off home now so wont be posting any more tonight - keep the witty banter going (and I'll try and check it out tomorrow!). Loving your work with variations on my email name - it's just a random name selected many years ago when i set up my email. I'm not precious about it! ;)
Have a good evening!
From northern_hamster on Mon May 12 06:36PMnorthern hamster-
Try not to lauch a vicious assault on me again.You don't know what people are truely like on this site.You might just upset an absolute nutjob who would go to any lengths to get their revenge.Anyway why are you being so polite in the face of such nasty comments?. I hate it when people do that.It totally disarms you. But if you're genuinly sorry then i'll let it go. By the way,attacks on ED are on the rise.I just thought i'd join in.Although i genuinly feel their litery style is a bit suspect at times.And before you ask-i probably could do better, since i used to work for a local rag. Got sacked though, for a catalog of unforgivable offences-notably spelling mistakes and grammatical errors.From samuelbanks on Mon May 12 06:41PMAnyway is there any football to talk about?. I just can't get over how polite the young hamster is.Im starting to regret my litle rant already.I think he's a nice chap actually.Samuelbanks is only interested in talking footy-but a word to the wise-Northern Irishmen are renowned for getting into fights.(We had a very big one a while back-it lasted for 30 odd years.) Im not saying i get into fights-but i have been known to lose my temper.I don't bother with simondenham because that boy has something wrong with him-and its not right to take the wee out of backward people.I quite like him though.But simon, if you would stop writing 'ALEX CHICK IS THE ONLY ED'that would be great.We got the point along time ago.
From samuelbanks on Mon May 12 06:54PMHi barney
Polite Sammy is back.I rarely get like that these days.Used to be a hot head when i was 19/20.Calmed down alot believe it or not. Are you going to watch the UEFA Cup final on wednesday.I think Rangers will get savaged.Don't get me wrong, i want them to win.I just feel their players are knackered.Don't think too bad of me barney for my little rant at the hamster.My fuse is a bit short today.I don't have your wisdom and experience to draw on.I still don't have a clue what age you are.But don't worry im not asking.My mum says you should never ask a women her age.From samuelbanks on Mon May 12 07:16PMjust a wee point on Guniea pigs though Michel.My brother used to have one when he was little. They're actually really good pets-and the most placid of animals.(Can you believe im talking about guniea pigs on early doors-im laughing as im writing this.)To be honest, im not in the mood for talking footy today.The hamster completely threw me with his insults.But maybe we shouldn't be too @#$% him. He's no paula or simon.He can actually string a sentence together.Anyway, back to talking about animals.Do any of you kids have cats? wow!.Now thats a proper animal.Dogs are cool-but cats invented the meaning of cool.I have two little 2 year old cats and they're mental-and smart-i mean smart.They try to trick you into letting them outside.(Am i just talikng about my cats on ED?-Please people-i need help).Anyway they will pretend to be sick over the carpet knowing that you will have to let them out.I've caughten on to this attempt at trickery though-Sammy doesn't fall for it anymore.No no no.But nonetheless they're smart litle b*****ds. Stupid in some ways thouh-One of them went to jump onto a window ledge the other day and nearly went through the glass.
From samuelbanks on Mon May 12 07:43PMWhere are all you people?-michel,barney,james,umar,gareth,-anyone
From samuelbanks on Mon May 12 07:46PMWere the Man City players trying to make a statement yesterday?.It seems too much of a coincidence.8-1 is a bit odd-and against Middlesborough of all people. Either Sven's boys were pissed or they weren't tryng-or both.I don't think half these owners have a clue what they're doing.Sacking Sven would be ridiculous, but employing him in the first place? well that was just downright silly.Haheha
From samuelbanks on Mon May 12 08:04PMI have a story about guinea pigs. I went to visit a woman with learning disabilities (in a professional capacity) and she had two guinea pigs so I aske her what they were called. She said "Pinky and Perky". So I said, "That's nice" and then she said - "do you want to know what the other one is called?" A moment of great humour!
From michelangeloindeed on Mon May 12 08:26PMHello,
Just watching the Leeds v Carlisle play-off and Leeeds are one nil down at home, Carlisle's keeper is playing a blinder. Can't recognise many of the Leeds team , but was curious so put it on. Well my little Samuelbanks I am glad to see you have calmed down, I am sure I have told you how old I am before? Nearly fifty..SSSH don't tell anyone lolFrom barny1158 on Mon May 12 08:40PMApologies, did not check my spelling before I posted ,there's only two e's in Leeds!! Doh!!! Samuelbanks, will try to watch the UEFA cup final, very busy this week. Won't miss the CL final though. And Michelangelo you have just signed Bosingwa? Apparently, Man U, Arsenal and a few others were interested in procuring his signature, but you have got him!! Right back I think....
From barny1158 on Mon May 12 08:51PMI had this misconceived idea that you were alot older.You're still a young thing. My parents are considerably older-well 56 or there about.Do you go to the Emirates to watch the Arsenal? Or the Cesc Fabregas show? What's that all about by the way.I think the boy has gone off the boil, but i like him as a player.
From samuelbanks on Mon May 12 09:06PMI saw the news about Bosingwa. He was signed by Jose at Porto. What i didn't know until today is that he seems to have taken Miguel's place in the Portugal side and miguel's a player I always rated so he must be good.
From michelangeloindeed on Mon May 12 09:28PMED, i take it all back-there was nothing wrong with that article-please forgive me-im as tired as anybody of the people who constantly rave about the quality of the articles. Maybe i just don't get some of the humour-which is odd because i am officially known in sammy circles as 'the joker'.I am looking forward to these awards tomorrow.Do Derby feature by any chance? Or is that a ridiculously stupid question. And the worst team goes to -Wigan-wait theres been a mistake says someone-surely there was only ever one contender-what were they called..ah-it begins with D.The award for the worst bit of play acting has to go to ...Mr Nani. What a clown. And the award for the siliest post match comment from a manager goes to Kevin Keegan-'The British Premier league is the bestest but most shitest league in the world. I think we have no chance of winning the league next season but hopefuly we will do a good league and maybe finish 2nd or third.'You should dedicate a whole award's do to Keegan comments alone.'If an average but good side like Everton can finish fifth, a club like Newcastle can definetly finish sixth'.
From samuelbanks on Mon May 12 09:36PMThat was a funny story about the guinea pig michel.I would love a ferit but my cats would eat it.
From samuelbanks on Mon May 12 09:41PMPaul Jewell likes his drivel aswell i see. Jewell; 'Footballers at Derby are well paid but you can't buy playing for Derby-no money in the world can buy a white shirt.Didier Drogba better not move to Derby then. His popularity would be f***ed. By the way ED, are you sure you weren't watching a documentary about Derby County's delusions of grandeur called 'The Jewell in Denial'.Aww thats a classic.
From samuelbanks on Mon May 12 10:08PMHi, Sammy, been off work today with a dreadful throat and so my concentration has not been good. The hamster sounds like a good bloke and I recall some sharp intelligent comments from him. Just seen Ramos on CNN talking in Spanish about breaking into the top 4. I wouldn't be at all surprised. Still think ED had an off day with the silly pretending to watch a movie when the clinchinhg games were on. But still ED IS THE ONLY ED!! Our dog is very fond of cats. Crows and pigeons on the other hand.
From james_ssmith on Mon May 12 10:12PMNice one, Sammy. My current boss will be pissed off tomorrow as Leeds have just lost. Isn't The Jewell in Denial the sequel to The Jewell in the @#$%?He should join a very large Serbian gentlemen who was on TV trying to explain that his Radical party (horrible nationalists) han't really lost the election yesterday. Maybe we might be in for a bit of bother down here.
From james_ssmith on Mon May 12 10:20PMI have to go to sleep soon but i'll have a natter with you for a few minutes.Thats a coincidence-i have a sore throat.I think thats why i really set into the hamster.To be honest i got carried away with the comments about the Movie thing.On reflection i wish i hadn't said anything.Tottenham need to bolster their midfield if they want to break into the top 4-Jenas,Malbranque? good players but not good enough.
From samuelbanks on Mon May 12 10:20PMThe same with Arsenal. They need that old-fashioned player in midfield - a ball-winner to replace Flamini. Gilberto is a bit old and Denilson is still too young. I guess Arsenal are looking and waving a big cheque.
From james_ssmith on Mon May 12 10:26PMjames
Im just thinking to myself-there is me and a few others ranting and raving about the quality of some fooball article and there is thousands upon thousands of people in Burma dying from disease and starvation. We all get things out of perspective at times. Your're quite rational though.You're a good bit older than me maybe.From samuelbanks on Mon May 12 10:27PMIndeed 60 next month. My brother is involved in Burma (apparently this is the correct name, the other name is a bit of Junta pedantry) He looks after a family and has bought them a restaurant. A couple of months ago he flew to Chang Mai just over the border in Thailand and paid some of their debts - would you believe these life-threatening debts amounted to about 3 dollars?
From james_ssmith on Mon May 12 10:31PMYou were watching Leeds then? Any chance of them geting back to the Championship.Can you believe how far they've fallen since the 2001 season?They were Champions league semi finalists that year.It wouldn't be inconceivable for them to get relegated into league two.I think Derby could go into freefall.
From samuelbanks on Mon May 12 10:32PM
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