Bigger than Jesus
Mon Sep 22 08:53AM
A week ago, a major satellite broadcaster was full of the importance of Liverpool versus Manchester United.
It argued, with apparent sincerity, that the fixture's history and rivalry made it the biggest game in English football.
So Early Doors was confused when it saw Chelsea versus Manchester billed as "the biggest game of the season so far".
Alex Ferguson, meanwhile, spent the build-up trumpeting his biannual skirmishes with Arsene Wenger.
"If you look back over the last 12 or 13 years, who has it been? - Arsenal v Manchester United, Manchester United v Arsenal," he said.
"Of course we've got Chelsea at the moment, that's without question, but the history of Arsenal versus Manchester means that you're not just talking about winning a football match, you're talking about your own history against the other team's history."
Good news for the Sky hype machine when November 8 rolls around.
They should stop beating around the bush, take a leaf out of John Lennon's book and declare the fixture bigger than Jesus.
Their trailer could feature the Messiah returning from ankle surgery with shiny green boots and a deep mahogany tan, shimmying his way past several opponents before diving to win a penalty.
As for yesterday's game at Stamford Bridge... well, it was OK.
Chelsea were more powerful but lacked the subtlety they might have had if Deco had been fit. And Robinho might have helped.
United, despite their seven yellow cards, looked short of a Michael Essien-style midfield enforcer and a goalkeeper.
Edwin van der Sar has morphed into one of the most staggeringly hapless keepers this side of Massimo Taibi, Tomasz Kuscczak failed to punch the ball away for the Chelsea equaliser, and Ben Foster cannot seem to visit the gents without spraining, twisting or rupturing some part of his body.
- - -
Last month Stuart Attwell became the youngest man to referee a Premier League match. Today he is the chump who awarded the stupidest goal of all time.
During Reading's game at Watford, the ball was bundled wide from a corner and a goal-kick signalled (the wrong decision, in fact, since it came off John Eustace).
As both teams ran back down the pitch, assistant referee Nigel Bannister flagged furiously and somehow persuaded Attwell the ball had gone in.
If you haven't seen it yet, you should really look it up on a popular video sharing website as it really is unbelievable.
Watford's Eustace reacted to being charged with an own goal by describing the decision as "shocking", "ridiculous" and "embarrassing", while no less an authority than Stephen Hunt called it: "Probably the worst decision I've ever witnessed in football."
According to Watford manager Aidy Boothroyd: "It was like watching a UFO landing."
So, obviously young Attwell is set for a lifetime refereeing in the Belper and District Under-13 Reserve League? Apparently not.
The Professional Game Match Officials board leapt to the 25-year-old's defence, insisting: "The referee has got no way of knowing for definite at the particular time whether the ball has crossed the line for a goal."
Well, other than the abundant visual evidence that the ball has gone a yard-and-a-half wide, the complete lack of celebration or appeals from Reading, and the fact that an attacking player attempted to clear the ball "off the line". Other than that, no way at all.
The PGMO simultaneously threw Bannister's career under a passing number 47 bus by saying the hapless linesman "made a human error".
For his part, Bannister was supposed to have blamed "an optical illusion" for his mistake.
Early Doors is still trying to work out a way of blaming Dennis Wise for the fiasco.
Newcastle's Prince of Darkness turned up at Vicarage Road - perhaps on the lookout for a new manager, a new Kevin Doyle or indeed a new job - and it may just be possible that his aura of evil affected Bannister's vision during that crucial goalmouth scramble.
Wisey's attendance might indicate he wants Steve Coppell to take the worst job in football, and he must have been impressed by Reading's cynical refusal to step aside and let Watford score an unchallenged equaliser.
Coppell's explanation left ED wondering if he doesn't have a secret life as an undercover agent: "If someone stops you in a car park and gives you a present, you don't say 'no' do you?"
Not unless it's tickets to 'Mamma Mia', you don't.
- - -
George Bernard Shaw once said: "You'll never have a quiet world till you knock the patriotism out of the human race."
Clearly the great man never saw the betting opportunities afforded by people's conviction that their country is superior to all other countries because they were born in it.
But the drinks are on Early Doors tonight after it won a packet backing Britons (and continental Europeans) to bottle it at major sporting events.
ED witnessed a small moment in betting history as Alex Bogdanovic - he of the nought-and-eight Grand Slam record - found himself odds-on to win a match at Wimbledon.
Once Bogo had gone a set up, ED lumped big on the other guy (who it had never heard of) then sat back and enjoyed another trademark meltdown.
And that Ryder Cup gamble on the United States came in. A clue: when they're playing in Kentucky you need to bet on the blokes called Hunter, JB, Chad and Boo; not Ian, Henrik and Robert.
While Early Doors would love to join in the chorus of criticism of Europe skipper Nick Faldo, it can't help but feel it is all slightly absurd.
People are upset that Faldo put Europe's 'big guns' at the end, and by the time their matches came to a climax it was already game over.
But if you're going to score 11.5 points to your opponents' 16.5, does it really matter in what order you score them?
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: Alex Ferguson believes his new assistant Mike Phelan has a lot to learn about the art of influencing match officials. In this case, Phelan missed an opportunity to explode a balloon in the vicinity of referee Mike Riley: "[He should have] burst it under Riley. It might have woken him up."
FOREIGN VIEW: Jens Lehmann has infuriated residents near Stuttgart's training ground in the small town of Berg by flying a helicopter to training everyday.
The likeable ex-Arsenal man, who lives over 150 miles away, has landed in the town centre on several occasions, and Berg's mayor has had enough.
"Numerous people have already complained," said Ruper Monn. "I hope that Mr Lehmann will cease to land in the town in future, otherwise I will speak to him personally."
"We did not have these problems with Ballack."
COMING UP: An acolyte of Early Doors has been beavering away compiling our Team of the Week spreadsheet since dawn. He is glumly totting up marks out of 10 while listening to Radiohead songs. It is a pitiful sight. For his sake, please read and enjoy Team of the Week.
Boring Boring Boring early doors. Arsenal for life
From oluwasegun on Mon Sep 22 08:56AMwell well well
From mrstyches on Mon Sep 22 08:59AMEarly Doors rulez mate...JS PARK is excellence mates.MANUTD 4 LIFE Baby
From united4lifebaby on Mon Sep 22 09:08AMWe are the Hibees
From emmapeebles on Mon Sep 22 09:08AMGreat comment from Aidy Boothroyd,1st laugh of the day,and if Steven Skull-Smasher Hunt says it was a bad decision it must of been bad
From mrstyches on Mon Sep 22 09:13AMany talking points...make one up then..CITY fans feel that because they blazed past hapless pompey they might have a chance at silverware...nought..
From watsupiyke on Mon Sep 22 09:15AMGreat article today boys... Makes up for the Friday afternoon special that was published Friday morning (in what I must assume was a busy day due to Ryder cup duties)
From g_hine on Mon Sep 22 09:16AMAm i the only Man U fan that thought berbatov was a complete waste of space at the bridge?...unfit?, coming back from injury?...or jst a lazy git?..sorry alex, i think rocky santacruz was the better buy....it was like playing with ten men yesterday...if they had player cam on berb it would have shown the most static performance ever filmed in a man u shirt!...time to turn the hairdryer on in bulgarian alex...and wake the lazy git up to what playing for united means!
From stuartxland on Mon Sep 22 09:21AMthree holes in the ground
From jlaston_85 on Mon Sep 22 09:21AME-I-E-I-E-I-OH Up the football here we go.
To all of you confidently predicting Stoke would get thrashed like Derby - Ha!
Oatcakes all round
From chrisnewman950 on Mon Sep 22 09:22AMArsenal remains my favourite club. Thanks for your artical.
From desiresluv20@yahoo.com
From desiresluv20 on Mon Sep 22 09:27AMOne game at a time watsupiyke. You know what they say "It's not over til the fat lady sings" see if City's cuboard is bare at the end of the season, then make the claims.
From asxtc on Mon Sep 22 09:28AMI agree Berbatov was shocking I know he plays with a laid back approach nut that was taking the p**s! And as for Man City a lucky day at the office has sadly built up more hype only for City fans to be crying at the end of the season
From jlaston_85 on Mon Sep 22 09:29AMwell done mr newman, stoke put 11 men behind the ball and liverpool could not break you down, rafa played a safe team (e.g. 4-4-2) which was not set up to go all out attack (and had with no strikers on the subs bench).... but liverpool also should have had a goal in the 2nd minute.... but fair do's you deserved a point....
why oh why does rafa like to drop players who are on form (babel) at the wrong time?
From some_steam on Mon Sep 22 09:30AMWake me up if a game gets billed as bigger than infinity, I might be forced to go and watch it down the Boot & Hoof
From arttidesco on Mon Sep 22 09:34AMLets be honest - The game was shocking. Chelsea were stronger especially in the second half but other than the Anelka sitter and their Wimbledon goal they never looked like scoring
From gazmassie on Mon Sep 22 09:38AM@14 - because Benitez is actually not that good a manager? If AC Milan hadn't gone to sleep and gifted the Champions League final to Liverpool a few years ago, Benitez would have been queueing at the Spanish equivalent of a job centre a long time ago. Liverpool should have the quality, playing at home against Stoke, to not have to winge about the ref not awarding a goal - it should be a stroll against a team like that. This result shows that once again they will be the bridesmaid not the bride come the end of the season.
From benmychree2003 on Mon Sep 22 09:46AMWELL DONE STOKE!! Liverpool really need to start picking up points from smaller teams. Its no good beating united at anfield and drawing with stoke the week after.
Arsenal TOP!!....spurs BOTTOM!! need i say more yido's hahahahahahahahahahaha......ha!
From jay8my on Mon Sep 22 09:47AMVANDER SAR was rubbish.... Chelsea was impressive but they needed and really needed Deco.....mancity showed what class they are finally... and congrats to the states on their ryder cup win... Forza Juventus!!!!
From omobobo on Mon Sep 22 09:47AM@13
City fans don't cry... we shrug and mummble "Typical City" when it all goes, as it inevitably will go, titsup.
Still, always a giggle to see Flash 'Arry on the wrong end of a six nil tonking
D
From rcsmiley on Mon Sep 22 09:54AMJust read a report that Van Der Sar has been taken to hospital and is having x-rays and counseling because he dropped a feather on his foot.......
From benmychree2003 on Mon Sep 22 09:54AMSome media reported he has an account on a site to find love. Seems it's called 'Ri ch kis s Co m' it is said it brings rich women and young men together. After checking it,I saw a lot of charming girls and rich men in the club.
From stone.lostgo on Mon Sep 22 09:56AMhidkd
From stone.lostgo on Mon Sep 22 09:57AMjay morning.... i just do not understand rafa it seems as though he expects to win games against the easy teams. His team selection gave stoke (no offence) too much respect... at anfield against such a team he should have started with an attacking side (including the on form babel) the subs bench included two defenders, a defence midfielder, yossi and babel.... where was a striker? where was the urgency? I agree we will never win the league if we can't beat the stokes of the world at home (and away)..... but of course it is still early days so I am sure our strikers will actually do some striking!
From some_steam on Mon Sep 22 10:00AMOh and the reading goal was classic, no-one had a clue what was going on. The watford goalies face was quality, he was trying to take the goal kick for a few minutes then the linesman decided it was a goal...how, i dont know. The fact ED and the media all jump on the '25 year old ref' bandwagon doesnt suprise me. It wasn't his fault it was the linesman, the ref put faith in his colleague and it was the wrong desicion every1s done that one time or another.
From jay8my on Mon Sep 22 10:01AMjust cant understand why Fergei left out the hardworking Tevez and left the lazy Berbatov on the pitch for 90 minutes. Benitez should have taught him some lessons about tinkering
From kaggwa2000 on Mon Sep 22 10:02AM20 million plus 30 million = keane and berbatov.
The cost of a project for fresh water in a fair-sized slice of African territory = minimal entertainment or passion for 100,000+ English football supporters
From james_ssmith on Mon Sep 22 10:05AMwho cares about man utd chelsea?!
the big result of the weekend for me was dundee united beating the sheep at pittotrie. beautiful.
didnt play great but il take the points, now the charge for europe is on!
rangers cheated again. kenny miller was gash. some things never change
From marcgrant7 on Mon Sep 22 10:06AM@21, that is true, but then again tho its always gud 2 c sum1 get a complete thumping, as long as it aint your own team!
From jlaston_85 on Mon Sep 22 10:08AMhi some_steam/former hargreaves,
Yeah its getting quite comical with rafa really. I think the hardest thing for the pool fans to take is the win against untied doesn't really count for nothing now. Kaggwa i totally agree. Tevez has ben Man Poo's best player this season, to leave him on the bench at chelsea was criminal.From jay8my on Mon Sep 22 10:09AM
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