Congestion charge
Fri May 16 08:58AM
Chelsea will be denied an open-top bus parade on Thursday if they win the Champions League as the council believe it will cause massive traffic jams.
A Hammersmith and Fulham councillor said: "Holding a parade on Thursday evening is not an option considering that it would bring a large part of west London to a standstill in rush hour." So no change from a normal morning, then.
The council want Chelsea to do it at the weekend or on Bank Holiday Monday, but it seems the club can't be bothered, particularly as most of their players will have scarpered on international duty.
The Blues are predictably peeved, and are considering taking the matter to the desk of London's new fop-haired Mayor who, having successfully located the paper clips after a fortnight in the job, is now ready to make some big decisions.
As a man who perpetrated this tackle on former Germany international Maurizio Gaudino, Boris Johnson clearly possesses a sound grasp of the game's finer points, and will surely view Chelsea's plight sympathetically.
Early Doors doesn't like to disclose too much personal information about itself, lest it gives a useful lead to the several international intelligence services on its tail.
But it does recall a time when it received a letter through its door, complete with a nifty little map, advising local residents of Arsenal's Champions League victory parade.
Amid much self-congratulatory rescheduling of bin collections, closing of roads and erecting of barriers, the council almost forgot to mention that Gunners might in fact lose the game. Which they duly did.
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There is probably a reason why the FA Cup final build-up has focused more on the teams' suits than their football ability.
And who is Early Doors to buck a trend? For the record, Pompey's garb was designed by a Welshman - sheet metal-worker's son Jeff Banks.
After David James's cream Armani fiasco for Liverpool's Spice Boys in 1996, Sol Campbell was handed suit selection duties, a sound choice given his interest in fashion and interior designer girlfriend.
Campbell's squeeze Fiona Barratt is no ordinary WAG, and has risked the wrath of Abi, Coleen, Posh and the girls with these comments about getting on the team bus at the 2006 World Cup.
"I didn't care and got on the bus with my Financial Times and my sudoku. The nonentity WAGs had to walk out first. The higher the profile, the later they were," she said.
"Of course, Queen Bee Victoria came out last, there being at least 10 or 15 minutes before she appeared, and her hair and make-up team were all in the lobby."
Banks praised Campbell's "conservatism" in opting for a navy pinstripe design. If you want a sober, non-flashy suit, Early Doors would suggest ditching the big-name designer and taking a trip to Marks & Spencer's.
This is exactly what Cardiff did for their semi-final trip to Wembley, but they have now ditched M&S in favour of local tailors Woodies Emporium.
Meanwhile, organisers have chosen to inflict not one but two sopranos on us, with the addition of Katherine Jenkins to sing 'Land of my Fathers' in Welsh while the loathsome Lesley Garrett performs God Save the Queen.
Excuse Early Doors if it seems a little pedantic here, but what is the point? God Save the Queen is the national anthem of Great Britain which, the last time Early Doors checked, covers Wales.
If Colin Jackson hadn't kept knocking those flipping hurdles over, it would have been the British anthem playing at the Olympics.
ED doesn't care whether the anthem is sung in English, Welsh or Norwegian, and it certainly has no beef with Welsh involvement in the 'English' FA Cup. The point is this: it hates opera singers and now it has to listen to two of them.
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TRANSFER TALK: Roman Abramovich is set to open his wallet for his first acquisition of the summer - Amy Winehouse. Roman's girlfriend Daria Zhukova wants the pharmaceutical-friendly singer to perform at the opening of an art gallery in Moscow and will pay her £1 million for the privilege.
FOREIGN VIEW: Appropriately enough for the day before Calamity James takes on Peter Enckelman in the Cup final, there is news of a goalkeeping blunder in South America.
Claudio Bieler capitalised on San Lorenzo goalkeeper's Agustin Orion ball-juggling blunder to grab a 1-1 draw for Ecuadorean champions LDU in the first leg of their Copa Libertadores quarter-final.
San Lorenzo defender Gaston Aguirre passed the ball back to Orion, who flicked it up and juggled with it but then lost control, which allowed LDU's Bieler to touch it into the goal.
BUMPER TALKING POINT: The UEFA Cup final might have been everything we expected and less, but the chaotic scenes in Manchester during and after the game at least sparked a lively debate among the message board faithful.
Good job the Early Doors doesn't come complete with 20 pints of Skol Super and a malfunctioning TV screen, otherwise we could have had a riot of our own.
kevmun82: "Well, now the majority of England and Manchester in particular know why Rangers are so hated up here. Result didn't go your way? Smash the place up. Big Screen TV not working? Smash the place up. No dodgy refereeing decisions to blame the result on? Smash the place up. Not being allowed to smash the place up by Riot Police? Smash the place up and then claim there was no provocation whatsoever from yourselves, that the Police were just barbaric and treated you like animals. Thanks a bunch, you worked really hard to keep up the stereotype of the 'Boozed-up Jock spoiling for a fight' and managed to set us back yet again."
t.nutkins: "40 arrests out of 100,000? Doesn't sound like a riot to me. Sounds like a few pissed up idiots, and of course no other club in the world has these types of 'fans' does it? I think any fans from any club would be p'd off if they went to celebrate their team in a European cup final and then couldn't watch the match on the big screen provided thanks to a technical hitch. Try blaming the council for cocking up the entire day and not being able to handle so many supporters, even though they openly invited every Rangers fan to Manchester for a festival atmosphere."
not_blonde_really: "I was in Manchester city centre last night, and it was absolutely fine. There was a lady who clearly had nothing to do with the football walking her pram through the hoards, and she was loving the sense of camaraderie. I believe the arrests were largely at the stadium, which shows it's got nothing to do with fans without tickets, and incidents involving 0.0004% of the people there should not reflect on the rest of the fans."
Others attempted an impromptu caption competition, or more accurately a 'describe what the photo looks like' competition.
samuelbanks: "The man in the picture reminds me of one of those dads dancing badly at a wedding."
mpasc66: "I know that Phill Jupitus is an obnoxious unfunny p***k, but I'm not sure he deserves the beating he's getting in the photo above - then again, maybe he does."
garethcoletranslations: "Looks like the old guy in the picture has just felt the full force of his fourth kebab with some major follow-through action. The guy in the riot gear on the left is inspecting the damage, while the one on the right is just shielding himself against any aftershocks."
Meanwhile, did somebody just compare Avram Grant to Sir Alf Ramsey? Yes, it's pete.mccrory1: "So Avram Grant is the quiet man ED. I can't remember any bon mots credited to Sir Alf in '66 but he did all right. I know you weren't born then but that is no excuse."
No, no bon mots from Mr Ramsey at all. Other than guaranteeing that England would win the World Cup, calling Argentina 'animals', and his pre-extra time team-talk in the final: "You've beaten them once. Now go out and bloody beat them again." And let's not forget Sir Alf also once said: "There is great harmonium in the dressing room."
COMING UP: It's a welcome day of rest for our million Premier League preview monkeys sat at a million typewriters. Settle instead for some Cup final build-up and League One playoff action this evening.
E-mail this story
IM this storyNo, didn't think so. Nothing she writes scans and the imagery is boring.
Paula reminds me of a horrible little guy with a Polish name that I did my 'A' levels with 40 years ago. He would produce a perpetual stream of unfunny obscene drivel punctuated with with campy Ooohs and Aaahs whose point was to get me to take a punch at him. I think it's called sado-masochist harassment.
From james_ssmith on Fri May 16 04:27PMAhhhh, look at all the sad little buddies coming out to play with each other!!! ahhh sweet, init!! What the fcuk do you think you can do??? other than try and impress each other with your unwaivering love for one another. hahaha!! Wow Mitty, don't you think you're passed it?!!! I fcukin do!!! So does your publisher hahahahaha!!! what a whopper!!! hahahaha!!!
It's been so much fun I'll see you all tomorrow!! nighty night, dicks!!!
From paulathompson15 on Fri May 16 04:28PMWay to Walter!!! hahaaha!!! another little b u l l s h i t story from your sad little life. Self obsessed sad broing old loser!!! hahahaha!!!
From paulathompson15 on Fri May 16 04:31PMShe really is an excitable little person(?), isn't she?
From g_hine on Fri May 16 04:33PMRunning scared, huh? Pity the operation went wrong and you can't piss without it hurting. You have my sympathy, Paula.
Let's get back to party grub. Isn't the anchovy the worst thing you can put on top of a canape?From james_ssmith on Fri May 16 04:35PMgotta hand it to her, she can sure tear folk to pieces!!
almost as funny as rangers record in europe!!
From marcgrant7 on Fri May 16 04:38PMNo, anchovies are God's-own food. Tapenade, gentleman's relish (don't worry Paula that isn't a gay reference) are both fantastic on canapes.
gherkins too (still not a gay reference Paula, sorry) are good.
From g_hine on Fri May 16 04:41PMhahaha, scared of what??? hahahaha!!! what a dick!!! your keyboard?!!! your boring b u l l s h i t stories???!!! although they are fcukin bad and boring as fcuk!!! ahahaha!!! you couldn't fight your way out of mothercare you sad old cnut!!! hahaha!!!
From paulathompson15 on Fri May 16 04:41PMhow is a bunch of swear words and "hahahaha" as you say, tearing folk to pieces?
She is just a bored girl who thinks cyber abuse is fun, which it may be for her, but then there is abuse and then there is banter... i prefer banter don't you marcy boy?
From the_kop2003 on Fri May 16 04:43PMGherkins, of course, are de rigueur down here (that's not a gay reference either). Chicken and beef with a Thai sauce dip easy to do and they disappear as soon as you turn your back. Anything Greek - tarasamalata, houmous on a piece of pitta bread.
From james_ssmith on Fri May 16 04:48PMAgree on the anchovies thing. I love them when I know they are coming, but unsuspectingly on the top of a hurried mouthful - you'd just want to hurl!
From garethcoletranslations on Fri May 16 04:52PMbecause she is getting everyones backs up. thats why i am finding it funny!! or maybe its the fact i have been staring at the clock for the past two hours!!
of course a bit of banter is better than full on abuse, but uv gotta laugh!! its not exactly witty banter but its still quite funnyFrom marcgrant7 on Fri May 16 04:53PMHahahaa Paula paula paula. I really am ripping you to shreds today. What do you think lads? The best thing she came up with was...wait for it, 'Shame you have only an imaginary girlfriend'. Let me tell you paula there's nothing imaginary about her. And i tell you another thing paula (vicky pollard) thompson,Northern Irish peole are very good at arguing.So you don't have a chance with me. Now get back to your homework.What is it today, adding and subtracting?.Come on Paula hit me with more ' ahhhh @#$% suckers.. you people that are all but one person ahh dick @#$%' @#$% again.You really are a sad little tranny. And paula, stop stalking me-you know im (Northern Irish), you know i have a girlfriend and you know im 24.What are you like u sad @#$%?
From samuelbanks on Fri May 16 04:55PMpaula thompson is the Anti- Christ.Paula , do the numbers 666 mean anything to you?
From samuelbanks on Fri May 16 05:00PMSamuelbanks, it's me she's after not you. Pistols at dawn!!
From james_ssmith on Fri May 16 05:00PMNo i've checked, the Anit Christ is supposed to be likeable. Its not her. She could be the devil-just a thought.
From samuelbanks on Fri May 16 05:02PMDon't you mean Thick-thick-thick?
From james_ssmith on Fri May 16 05:03PMJames
You don't deserve all that abuse.
She is weird though, don't you think? Her insults are so pathetic they don't even hurt.From samuelbanks on Fri May 16 05:06PMthick thick thick-very good Jamesy boy.
From samuelbanks on Fri May 16 05:07PMWho was it said paula thompson reminded them of the little girl in the Excorcist. Thats exactly how i pictured her. Maybe not as pretty as the wee girl in the film though.
From samuelbanks on Fri May 16 05:11PMThat girl was a victim, which can't be said of PaulaT. The only similarity is the reaction when all that green pea soup comes flying out - the equivalent of a Paula blog. Mind you I have a sneaking suspicion that Paula is an ED alis designed to keep the entries flowing in.
From james_ssmith on Fri May 16 05:15PMHas everbody calmed down.Where's the we girl (paula) gone?.Probably away to feed her wains. Then she's probably off down the off license for a tin of Tennants superstrength-and maybe a packet of fags.Hope she trips on a curb and breaks her face.It might actually improve her face.Can't get any worse.Aww, maybe im going too far now.I better leave her alone.She's only wee. A wee @#$%.
From samuelbanks on Fri May 16 06:28PMPaula thompson was tired of everyone thinking that she was stupid. To end the injustice, she decided to prove to the world that she was smart. In order to prove herself, she chose to memorize the capital of every European Country . It wasn't an easy task, but she was determined and eventually managed to do it. A few days later she was in school, and heard a couple of boys laughing at at her. This was the perfect opportunity to start righting all the wrongs that had been done to her in the past - she would set these boys straight! Marching over at a rapid pace she announced,
"It isn't true that I is thick and I will prove it. Just ask me the capital of any American state, and I will tell you what it is.” Although a little surprised, the boys did challenge her and asked,"Ok, how about Germany?" After pausing for a moments thought, Paula proudly gave the answer,
"G"From samuelbanks on Fri May 16 07:04PMI cocked a bit of that up. It was European countries, not American states. forgive me.
From samuelbanks on Fri May 16 07:06PMHow do you make Paulathompson laugh on a Wednesday? Tell her a joke on a Monday!
From samuelbanks on Fri May 16 07:08PMPaula Thompson and her chavy mate are watching the six O’clock news. A man is shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and Paula bets her mate £50 that he wouldn't jump. Sure enough, he jumped, so Paula gives her mate £50. The mate says "I can't take this, you're my friend" (Imagine that-Paula has a friend). But Paula insists saying, "No. A bet's a bet". Then Paula’s mate says "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money." Paula Replies "Well, so did I, but I didn't think the fuc**r would jump again!"
From samuelbanks on Fri May 16 07:32PMWow!! you guys have really been through it today haven't you, but James I am beginning to think that simon?Paula/ ....ED,? Surely the boys at the top of the page would not sink so low? But I did notice that you are all "gilding the lily" so to speak, cos you are all responding? Funny the posts are still coming on here, seems reporting abuse means nothing at all. As for a few finding it funny, I never did find sick abuse amusing in any context......
From barny1158 on Fri May 16 07:37PMCan i just pay tribute to Northern Irish motorcycling legend Robert Dunlop. He was killed last night at the NW 200.(Huge motorracing event). His bike stalled at over 200mph catipulting him into a field.He stood no chance.
From samuelbanks on Fri May 16 08:31PMED im setting up a rival football blog here on Yahoo Eurosport. Its called Late Windows.
From samuelbanks on Fri May 16 08:57PMSamuelbanks
Not another sport death, gees its all doom and gloom lately but condolences to his family. Did you have a few beers last night then lad? lol...surely tonights the best night for a drink ?From barny1158 on Fri May 16 09:05PM
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